SPAM!

Who knew that the perfect gift after coming home from a cruise would be piles and piles of SPAM to dispose of?

Apparently, all the bots are talking about it.

Note, no more anonymous comments. I love to hear from my minions, but I don't love processed pork product - or whatever product you might be selling.

This is not a website about mini-trucks. I hope your mini-trucks are all destroyed in a fire on the second disk, during a non-skippable cut scene followed by a scratch on the DVD.

There are not lots of helpful pictures here.

No one comes to this site to discover whatever pathetic wares you have. They come to this site to stand together against the oppression of mules in Vana'diel. Or, to pretend to be without sin and cast the next, being too late for the first, stone.

If you have to resort to spamming about your junk here, then odds are absolutely no one is interested in your retarded products at all.

Good luck with that.

No, not with selling your stuff. Good luck with the cancer I wish on you. Let me know how that works out for you.

Sorry to inconvenience those of you who actually enjoy reading my plans to take over the world, requring you to log in to an account just to comment. It's cruel, but that's not out of character for me.

Waiting for the boat to leave

Yes, I'm taking a cruise for no other reason than to relax and do nothing at all. Now, you might think that such is the existence of a mule all the time. Sitting out in the sun trying to get people to spend their hard-won gil on rock salt is tougher than you might think.

Emotionally harder, anyway.

Getting ready to set sail has been an adventure on its own. There was some agro from a bottle of Kettle One. Heiter was kind enough to provoke it off me, though he's a white mage, so maybe that wasn't the wisest of moves.

He probably didn't need stitches. I'll bet there's not even a scar.

Well, you know, depending on how he parts his hair, not visible anyway.

Who's Heiter? That's the boss's boyfriend. He's like a demi-mule. She got a PC version of FFXI "so they could play together", but he ends up bazaaring her junk more than I do.

Heiter got the role of navigator along the way here. Mostly because my version of navigating involves statements like

Reeree>> So... we just need to go straight north from here.
Heiter>> But...
Reeree>> But what?
Heiter>> It's just that there's a building that way.
Reeree>> I don't see why that's a problem.
Reeree>> We'll just burn it down.
Heiter>> It looks like an orphanage.
Reeree>> Perfect.
Heiter>> How is that perfect?
Reeree>> Didn't you ever see Annie?
Reeree>> No one will miss them.
Heiter>> You have serious issues, you know that?

His method is a little more sedate.

Heiter>> Okay, turn right.
Reeree>> Where, exactly?
Heiter>> Back where I said "turn right."
Reeree>> ...
Heiter>> Now, technically, you want to turn completely around.
Reeree>> Now, technically, I'm going to have to burn down an orphanage
Reeree>> Just to calm my nerves.
Heiter>> You have serious issues, you know that?
Reeree>> We'll make s'mores. It'll be great.
Heiter>> Watch out for that Orc.
Reeree>> What Orc?

Orcish Fodder hits Reeree for 58 points of damage.
Reeree was defeated by Orcish Fodder.

Orcish Fodder hits Heiter for 47 points of damage
Heiter was defeated by Orcish Fodder.

It's been a long walk, and I'm never going to get the smell of burning orphan out of my robe.

On top of that, there are just some areas where you want to be extra careful. Here's something of how our conversations went:

Reeree>> Okay, we need sneak here.
Reeree uses a silent oil.
Reeree gains the effect of sneak.
Reeree>> What are you doing?
Heiter>> What?
Reeree>> We need sneak.
Heiter>> Okay.
Reeree>> That means you have to use the sneak oil.
Heiter>> Okay.
The effect of sneak is wearing off.
Reeree>> Seriously, what are you doing?
Heiter>> Did that work?
Reeree>> No.
The effect of sneak is wearing off.
Reeree>> I don't know what you think you did, but it didn't work.
Heiter>> Um...
Reeree sighs dejectedly.
Reeree>> Click into your inventory, select the sneak oil
Reeree>> Click it to USE it, then select yourself to use it on.
Heiter>> Okay.
Heiter>> I don't have a sneak oil.
Reeree>> I gave you two stacks!
Heiter>> You gave me silent oils.
Reeree>> ...
Reeree>> Use those instead, then.
The effect of sneak is wearing off.
Reeree>> Whenever you want to use that oil...
Reeree>> Today would be good.
Heiter uses a silent oil.
Reeree loses the effect of sneak.

Goblin Smithy hits Reeree for 471 points of damage
Heiter starts casting Cure on Reeree.
Reeree was defeated by Goblin Smithy.

Goblin Smithy hits Heiter for 378 points of damage.
Heiter was defeated by Goblin Smithy.

It's been a long trip getting here. My patience, which is almost nonexistant to begin with, has been tried and tested. Many times.

On the plus side, s'mores.

Manaclipper

I need to run to Carpenters Landing and then take a ride on the Manaclipper. As such, I'll be back in about two weeks.

Maybe one of the other mules will keep you up to date on the plan to take over the world while I am out, but I doubt it.

Whether I tell you about my adventurers will depend on how many comments I get.

Summer Festival

Dun din din, din dun... din dun dun, dun din dun...

By now you know the music of Summer Festival, played every night in the starting cities and outlying areas. It gets stuck in your head.

Some people complain that they don't enjoy the fireworks. I used to think nothing was more beautiful.

This year, they have the capacity for even more fireworks, thanks to Corsairs.

You're probably thinking they fire flare guns in the air or something. That's funny, considering how few guns there are that Corsairs can actually use.

No, they help with their special 2-hour ability, resetting the 2-hour abilities of others - you know, if they roll the right number, or whatever.

I talked to some of the behind the scenes NPCs who put the whole show together. In Windurst, they're all hanging out on a balcony off the Star Sybil's room. it felt really crowded in there, but all I could see was an officious looking Tarutaru and an exceptionally large Galka Dragoon.

Reeree>> What's going on up here?
Taru>> Fireworks cele-wele-bration!
Reeree>> Are you going to talk like that for the whole conversation?
Taru>> ...
Reeree>> Why does it feel so crowded up here?
Galka>> Ninja are stealthy?
Reeree>> What Ninja?
Taru>> Exactly!
Galks>> Observe.

The Tarutaru pulled a lever and a single Carrion Crow flapped out of a cage into what it thought was freedom.

The Galka climbed up a ladder and jumped onto a board, propelling a Ninja I hadn't even noticed before off the other end and into the sky, and towards the bird.

Taru>> THREE!
Taru>> TWO!
Taru>> ONE!

Ninja1 uses Mijin Gakure.

Reeree>> This is how you make fireworks?
Taru>> Renewable resources! It's the way of the future!
Reeree>> Now I have dead Ninja in my hair.
Reeree>> That's going to take forever to get out.
Taru>> All art comes with sacrifice.
Reeree>> People actually sign up for this?
Taru>> Well...
Moogle>> Change jobs?
Reeree>> No thanks. Where'd you come from, anyway?
Moogle>> Kupoooooooooo~~~~~~~
Reeree>> But I haven't even unlocked Ninja...

Galka uses High Jump.

Reeree>> Sonofa....
Taru>> THREE!
Taru>> TWO!
Taru>> ONE!

Reeree uses Mijin Gakure.

It's much prettier for the spectators. Trust me.

All good things

You might expect the GMs to rain divine retribution down on me for what I had done, oh ye of little faith.

[GM]Buzzkill did eventually find me again. I warped him so far and so fast that he woke up in World of Warcraft. Yeah, I paniced a little. I've heard he calls some big green man "Papa" now.

Ah, but the universe does appreciate irony.

People were starting to talk about how many gilsellers were starting over at level. You could tell they were gilsellers because anyone else would have upgraded from their starting onion weapons before they hit level 25. Also, anyone else would have taken the time to unlock and level a subjob.

I'm sure my "near jeuno" accuracy had nothing to do with that.

Shihu-Danhu was sending me tells that he had enjoyed his break and was almost ready to come back. I wanted him to have a warm welcome, so I started warping people into boss fight areas, like the Promyvion ENMs and the Shadow Lord.

Everything went dark. I was expecting a little box with dialog:
Where am I?
Am I dead?
Afterlife?

The music changed.

NPCs went running past me to hide. What was going on?

Morons started shouting "For the shire!"

I crawled inside my crate, grateful to be able to move again. So this is what that beseiged thing is all about.

Now, I've read about Mamool Ja, but nothing could prepare me for how ugly they are. But that was nothing compared to their stink. Aren't you glad you use Dial? Don't you wish everybody did? I had to take Shihu-Danhu's glasses off to wipe the water from my eyes.

I didn't want to be like those mules by the auction house, taking up space in the zone without contributing my part. I started to cast my wonderful warp on monsters.

Not enough MP.

I know I have mentioned before the one rule to remember: Square Hates You.

As soon as the Jar-Jar Binks on steroids were beaten back, we were treated to an encore of invasion of the escaped breeding experiments. Whoever thought humes and uragnites would be a good match deserves to be beseiged by Troll mercenaries.

Maybe that's why they were so pissed off.

And I thought the Mamool Ja smelled bad. After meeting Trolls, I'll never eat cheese again.

Al Zahbi lost two generals by that point, but the Trolls were beaten back just in time for the Little Mermaid and her merry band of hookers to storm town. What's with all the gold necklaces? Mr T. never wore so much bling.

Now the first two beseigeds had been very unsettling, but Lamia are just foul. What kind of an attack is it to strip someone naked? Nobody wants to see a Galka in his birthday bondage gear. Mithra started crying. I choose to believe in a reality where the two are related, rather than try to comprehend what the Mithra were actually upset about. I don't speak crazy bitch.

I considered casting Stone - since that was pretty much all I had, but after watching a level 75 Red Mage/Ninja drop 500 hit points from some random AoE that didn't even animate for me, from a monster not even loaded on my screen, I opted for counting the grain lines of the boards on the inside of my crate.

There are 647, in case you are interested.

I also counted the NPC exit door handles that would lead me to safety and sanctuary. There are 0.

It was a terrifying long time, and then suddenly, it was over. The music changed. People started shouting "Yawn" and rolling dice like they were pirates.

I would have been home free if it weren't for those dirty hands reaching in my crate and carrying me away before the cut scene was over. They even ripped Shihu-Danhu's robe when they pulled me out of the crate.

When the screen finally loaded, I was in prison. Kidnapped!

I won't go into detail about how bad it was. It's prison. Again, the warp scroll from Shihu-Danhu didn't work. I guess you need to stand on the fountain of MP to be able to cast it. There was no magical fountain of MP in prison.

Nor was there a Starbucks, but I'm pretty sure there was one right around the corner.

I figured it wouldn't be a long stay - they always get the Warp Taru back within half an hour. It would give a few White Mages a chance to earn a few tens of thousands of gil, and then I'd be rescued by some Galka Paladin or something.

I had to share my cell with the merchant guy from Al Zahbi who sells rocks. He'd been there since about 8 hours after the expansion was released. He was so happy to have someone to talk to that he went on and on about rocks for the entire first half hour. Black rocks, blue rocks white rocks, translucent rocks. Remind me to kill any brat at the Windurst school who shows even the slightest interest in Geology.

I got a little grumpy when no one showed up immediately to rescue me. How could they not come to rescue the Warp Taru? This was unheard of. Unless...

/search all Shihu-Danhu

The bastard was back in Al Zahbi. He snuck in after I was kidnapped, and no one ever noticed a thing. I'm going to give that guy a reraise earring so I can kill him eleven times.

For some reason, I had all these thoughts about rocks, so I did what I could with that. I cast Stone on the poor NPC until I was out of MP. Then I used Manafont and cast Stone on him some more.

This process repeated every two hours for roughly two or three weeks, Earth time.

Eventually, our captors noticed what I was doing, and started charging tickets to the show. I waited until they had a crowd of more than 6.

In my experience, 6 people is usually more than enough to ensure that at least one of them will be completely retarded. Once you get into an alliance, it's 99% guaranteed.

The eyes of a dozen beastmen were on me, eagerly awaiting my next temper tantrum, and the bruises and contusions that Bornahn would get as a result of it.

The clock ticked down to zero, and my 2-hour reset.

I looked at all the Beastmen in the eye, and did the one thing guaranteed to piss them off no matter how suicidal their anger might be.

I sat down.

The cries of anger and frustration could be heard all though the Near East.

Troll Sabreur starts casting Bio III.
Lamia Immolator starts casting Firaga IV.
Mamool Ja Savant starts casting Banishga III.
Mamool Ja Sophist starts casting Flare.
Woodtroll Ranger's ranged attack misses.

Reeree>> Shut up!
Reeree>> You had me at Bio III.

They broke the door down to get at me, but I was already long since dead an homepointed. It's always disorienting to suddenly be standing in the middle of Windurst Waters, but it's good to be home.

There was a Thief next to me, looking disoriented. I vaguely remembered warping her here weeks ago in one of my nicer moments.

Thief>>Um... Which way is Jeuno from here?
Reeree>> That's Warp Taru is a complete ass, isn't he?

Taking things too far

Filling in for the Warp Taru may have gotten to my head.

I was starting to draw attention. Bad attention.

I spent two hours warping adventurers into Mordion Gaol. Way I see it, that place exists outside of time and space, so it may very well be close to Jeuno. You don't know.

Sure, to get out, they could just place a GM call. But is a GM really going to believe some jerk who managed to get himself thrown in jail?

Most likely anyone who complained would talk his way into permanent ban.

I should be so lucky.

[GM]Buzzkill>> Hail adventurer.
[GM]Buzzkill>> There have been quite a number of complaints about you.
Reeree>> I can't imagine how that's possible.
[GM]Buzzkill>> Apparently your warping has been rather inaccurate of late.
Reeree>> How so?
[GM]Buzzkill>> You're supposed to send people near Jeuno.
Reeree>> Are we discussing relativity?
[GM]Buzzkill>> No.
Reeree>> I have sent people near Jeuno.
Reeree>> Ru'Lude Gardens even.
[GM]Buzzkill>> Warping level 15 Tarutaru warriors into Dynamis-Jeuno doesn't count.
Reeree>> Oh.
Reeree>> I'll try harder.
[GM]Buzzkill>> That's not really what I had in mind.
Reeree>> It's not?
[GM]Buzzkill>> No.
Reeree>> But since you're talking to me, that must mean...
[GM]Buzzkill>> I think you are beginning to understand.
Reeree>> Of course!
Reeree>> Sorry to take up so much of your time.
Reeree>> Y-you might want to c-close your eyes.
Reeree casts Warp on [GM]Buzzkill.

I warped him to the Lakshmi server, which may or may not have been destroyed in a fire.

If it wasn't destroyed, I hope no one minds if Shihu-Danhu there takes one for the team and spends some time in jail. Let's hear it for team players!

I figured it was time to cool things down, lay low, and avoid more uncomfortable conversations like that.

I started warping people to Batallia Downs, Rolanberry Fields, Sauromugue Champaign, and Qufim Island.

Nobody told me I wasn't supposed to send each person to all four at once. I thought it would be harder to whine to the GMs if your torso was in a different area than your head.

I've heard the cheaters with Windower got to watch their magically quartered body parts get agro and die separately.

On the plus side, Chocobo digging has become more interesting.

Where've I been?

You may have noticed it's been a while since I last wrote anything.

You've probably already guessed that this is largely beause I hate you all.

That's not too far off from the actual reason. Seriously. You guys all suck. Thanks for nothing.

It started a few weeks back when I was exploring the secret pathways of the Windurst residential area. I bumped into this desperate looking Tarutaru guy, muttering about how the Japanese players were going to "Rescue him" any minute.

Reeree>> I think one of us has had a stroke.
Shihu-Danhu>> You want to do me a favor?
Reeree>> I'm not really the favor-doing type. But I'd be happy to laugh at your request.
Shihu-Danhu>> I can't take it any more. You have to help me!
Reeree>> Does in any way involve the random deaths of adventurers?
Shihu-Danhu>> If you like.
Reeree>> I'm interested...

He started to get naked.

Reeree>> Less interested...
Shihu-Danhu>> What? Oh. Haha! Here, quick put these on.

He handed me a fancy near eastern robe, and a pair of glasses.

Shihu-Danhu>> I need you to pretend to be me, so I can take a break.
Reeree>> And what, no one will see through this clever disguise?
Shihu-Danhu>> It's better than Trion's.
Shihu-Danhu>> Besides, no one really looks at me.

Putting the glasses on, I commented how it seemed to work for Clark Kent, so what the hell. Shihu-Danhu threw a blond mop wig over my head, and the transformation was complete. He gave me a scroll, which I barely had a chance to glance at.

Reeree>> Wait, you want me to...
Shihu-Danhu>> Thanks! Good luck!
Shihu-Danhu starts casting Warp on Reeree.

I found myself in Al Zahbi standing on a crate. Pretty cool considering I don't even have a Tenshodo membership.

First impression: It's really freaking LOUD. All sorts of people were whining in shout about some Warp Taru being kidnapped or something. Apparently, there had just been a bunch of Mamool Ja ransacking the place. Whatever.

Second impression: It's really freaking crowded. I was standing on this crate, and billions of people were crowded around me. Was that robe he gave me doused in Tard musk? I'll kill him.

Then it started.

Player1>> Warp, plz!
Reeree>> No.
Player1>> y not?
Reeree>> Well, first, because you're retarded.
Player1>> But ur the warp taru!
Reeree>> See, case in point.

I looked down again at the scroll.

Oh.

Damn.

Wow.

This could be fun.

Reeree>> You want me to warp you?
Player1>> Yes!
Reeree>> Even though I can pretty much guarantee you it won't be anywhere near Jeuno?
Player1>> lol! yes! gogogo!

I read the scroll, and warped him. Somewhere. Got a brief glance through that purple warp window of a huge stone slamming into his face from the Gigas that he appeared in front of.

This gig was definitely going to be fun.

The next guy who talked to me got warped to somewhere along the path of the Manaclipper, only the boat was docked at the time. Maybe someday a GM will help him out of that.

Player3>> Warp to Jeuno, please.
Reeree>> Because you said please, I'm going to try my hardest to get you as close as I can!
Reeree>> Oops!

Full Moon Fountain wasn't quite as close as I would have preferred, but what's a little death by Fenrir if not something to laugh about?

It got kinda boring, after a while, so I started to really have fun with the people I didn't like. That list included people who misuse the English language, people who wear clothes that don't match, and pretty much any people who asked me for a freaking warp.

Sure, I had unlimited MP and regenerated over a hundred MP a tick with unending Refresh, but they never stopped. I understood why Shihu-Danhu looked forward to being taken prisoner.

Well, he did seem like that kind of Tarutaru. Stands on a soap box, drops the soap.

Anyway, to make my time more enjoyable, and reduce the number of people who came to talk to me, I started warping them to the new Chocobo Circuit or the Ruins of Al Zadaal. I guess they'll probably be able to log in again after the update when those areas are released.

Maybe Square will put out the update sooner, and you will all have me to thank for it. You know, once you can log in again, and all.

Woe for lost potential!

Ugh.

I'm so unhappy right now... I accidentally fed crystals to my cuttings. So instead of growing saplings like I was supposed to, I got.....

Shell bugs.

About 400 of them, give or take a stack.

That's 150k down the drain, not to mention lost potential profits.

I'm going to sit on my pile of gil and cry for the rest of the day. The only semi-bright spot was that Butcherboy somehow found a buyer for all of them.

I'm not even going to ask.

Bitch betta have mah munee.

So, Master is out playing with dhalmel. I couldn't tell you why, that's just what he said he was doing when I asked. Then he started talking about 'dhalmel on dhalmel action' and I asked him to stop talking.

Then later on, he sends me a tell, about one of his adoring fans who needs a sword purchased from Jeuno. "Fascinating," I replied. "What does that have to do with me?"

"You're in Jeuno," said Master sweetly. "Buy it and send it to him."

I was stunned. Shocked. Horrified. Not as horrified as Meroduin would have been, mind you. Still, I was fairly upset. "With what gil?"

"You have plenty of gil. It's not that expensive."

I was appalled. Was Master seriously suggesting that I waste my hard earned - stolen, really - gil - well, most of it was from overpriced candy but still - MY GIL? On some stranger that he barely knew and whose entire conversation apparently consisted of obscure sexual commentary on plushies and furries? And all this on some ridiculously overpriced Blue Mage sword?

"You couldn't get it for one gil, could you?" he laughed. "Just buy the sword already!"

And he wonders why he never has any gil!

Only, he does now. He has a lot of gil, actually, and he's supposed to be saving up for a mad crafting day, only he doesn't have any freaking space. So he sends his garbage to me. Which I sell. For more gil than it's worth. But to waste it on some nobody?

Feh.

I did as I was told. Now comes the fun part, will this be written off as a bad debt? Or will the power-mad Blue Mageling send the gil to Master instead of back to me?

You should have treated your NPCs better

I'll be the first to point out that mules have a tough life.

We get no respect. We're forced into slavery though no other reason than by which order of content ID created us. That's just unfair.

But today I met some folks who have it somewhat worse off.

I hopped out of the Mog House in Windurst Waters and was on my way to buy some food from the restaurant when I happened to notice a large crowd of adventurers.

Well, they almost looked like adventurers, but of each of the races there were lots of repetitions of the same three faces.

Also, four hundred thirty seven of them were named Nanako. Two hundred twenty five were called Wagwei. I can notice a trend.

Reeree>> Who are you guys?

About a hundred Elvaan guys named Chanandit pointed to the rendezvous point.

Sixty Tarutaru ladies named Yufafa explained that they were NPCs from the buddy quest.

I asked why they were all hanging out in town. Zenji started crying. All fifty three of them. Some were wearing subligar. I never want to see a Hume man in subligar cry again. Remind me to stab out my own eyes.

Turns out that while all of these fine people had managed to level up to 30 on their own, once they hit 30 they were stuck.

Reeree>> Yeah... the Mandy's in the jungle are too easy, but the goblins are still pretty hard unless you have a competent party...

Radille1>> No, you don't understand.
Radille2>> We can't level by ourselves.
Radille3>> We have to wait for an adventurer to call us
Radille4>> Using a signal earring
Radille5>> And then we can only stay for a few minutes
Radille6>> So you can see how that would be really hard
Radille7>> It's almost impossible for us to level up any more.

I was getting kind of dizzy listening to all those Elvaan woman finish off each other's sentences. I began to wonder about those mushrooms Terylieze sent me. I hadn't eaten them, mind you - I would never put anything that a Mithra touched into my mouth - but perhaps just contact with them could cause delusions? Blame the Mithra or the mushrooms, either way works for me.

Raka Maimhov, speaking of Mithra, lamented about how her adventuring partner is really high level, but still insists that she use provoke. So he brings her out in places like Castle Ostroja, she dutifully provokes monsters off of him, and the jerk sits back and lets her die.

Once every twenty hours.

She's down to level 5. That's just mean.

I have to get to know that guy.

I could empathize with these guys, even if the redundancy did creep me out a little. I gave them some idea to make their time with adventurers more enjoyable.

1) Wait till they pull a few links, then suddenly leave in the middle of battle.

They'd already thought of that.

2) Arbitrarily change what armor you bring based on who controls the area where they call you out, and then for the ones who like to play paper dolls, randomly toss on a pair of scale leggings just to make their head explode.

Again, that was part of their repertoire.

3) Use the signal pearl in reverse.

That one was new, and had some potential.

We brainstormed for a little bit, and then I left them to carry out their darkest desires.

At roughly 10:07 on Firesday, all the NPCs used their signal pearls.

Level 24 adventurers found themselves suddenly duoing monsters in Dynamis with their NPC buddy. They learned that FIraga III hurts a lot.

Some found themselves in places like Uleguerand Range or Attohwa Chasm where they were promptly devoured by dragons.

A level 3 corsair was introduced to the Kraken just in time for his NPC buddy to sneak past and become a Beastmaster.

It was my idea that they do it just before Besieged would have ended. Al Zahbi went from 714 people down to 4 mules, who were unable to sell their wares to the Lamia. The astral candy was lost.

Worse, they took the warp Taru.

You should pay more attention to your NPC friend. Treat others as you would like to be treated, because some day, you just might be.

Do I dare disturb the universe?

I was sitting in Windurst Woods, hawking Giant Femurs outside the bonecrafting guild. I hate to agree with Terylieze, but what about 20 giant femurs is subtle?

A crazy person runs up to me, looks in my bazaar, and then offers to trade. No introductions, no foreplay, just straight to trading.

I had to know what possesses a person to do such a thing. I agreed to trade.

Suddenly I'm staring at his offer of a purple dot.

A linkpearl? Who gives away link pearls to strangers? A little voice went off inside my head and asked: What good can come from this?

I should have listened to that voice.

I clicked ok.

The little voice spoke up again. Normally it tells me to stab people in the face, but today it sang a different tune (must have bought some of my bard ring tones). It told me to just drop the pearl and be done with it.

But the curiosity was too strong. Why would he give this to me?

The voice said the linkshell would be full of stupid people, and they might leak some of their stupid on to me.

It was a risk.

I put the linkpearl up to my ear and listened.

<Player1> Why'd you run?
<Player1> Never run in Dynamis, you idiot!
<Player1> There's nowhere TO run!

They gave a Dynamis linkpearl to a level 5 black mage with no subjob? Ignoring the pain of how stupid that is, I decided to listen more and find out what it is my master does in there. FIltering out the retarded, I might be able to learn something. I almost believed that.

<Player2> WTF?
<Player2> Raise 1? WTF?
<Player3> I'm a red mage, that's all I got.
<Player2> WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF?
<Player3> All the white mages are dead, because of your pull.
<Player1> You should have had Reraise up.
<Player1> Get UP!
<Player2> I'm not taking R1 EVER!
<Player1> You'll take what you get. Get UP!
<Player2> Other people got Raise 3.
<Player1> If you don't get up right now, we can't clear.
<Player2> Than sumone better cast R3.
<Player3> ...
<Player3> I already cast Raise on you.
<Player2> your spells aren't good enuf for me i cancelled that garbage.

I should have stayed out of it, but I was craving the smell of burning flesh.

<Reeree> Guess you'll be homepointing out of Dynamis, then.
<Player2> F YOU!
<Reeree> Did you play hooky from kindergarden to come here today?
<Player2> OMG! Sumbudy cast R3 cum on! WTF?
<Reeree> Why are you so much more important than everyone else?
<Reeree> What makes your experience points more important than their wasted time?
<Player2> I need the XP from R3!
<Reeree> So, for the time it would take you to kill two Imps in Aht Urhgan...
<Reeree> You've made it impossible for your whole group to clear Dynamis.
<Player2> what are you talking about?
<Reeree> I guess the Expansion Pack didn't come with when you bought your character.
<Reeree> Why not just have your brother buy you a new character when you lose experience?
<Reeree> Give yourself a whole new means of demonstrating how much you suck.
<Player2> y wont u r3 me?
<Reeree> You know what command would be good for you?
<Player2> yeah, r3
<Reeree> No.
<Reeree> /wrist

That original crazy person was trying to trade with me again. How much worse could it get?

He gave me an hourglass.

I switched linkshells, called a few friends, including one level 75 white mage Chinese gilseller (yeah, he was in that cell I busted, but he turned out to be a nice guy. A cheater, but a nice guy), and handed hourglasses to them all.

My gilseller friend, Buruirui, headed in, and went straight for the player who thought the world revolved around him. I was about to show him what that looked like.

I didn't have any spare worlds to revolve around him, so I settled for violence.

Buruirui used some kind of hack to cast an auto-raise on Player2. Yes, just a raise 1, but for the convenience of bots who aren't going to be around to accept, this one auto accepted, and auto-recast. The rest of his linkshell had left his corpse there, and gone off to farm.

<Player2> OMG WTF!
<Reeree> Brought you a present.

A hundred mules and I, ran past as many monsters as we could link, dropped our hourglasses, and headed toward Player2. Some of the mules didn't make it. Not surprising, since one shot would kill them. It's not like the experience we lost mattered.

<Reeree> Technically, I brought you a LOT of presents.
<Reeree> Hope you like them!

And then our 30 seconds were up. We all vanished, kicked out. But the monsters we were training wanted something to beat on.

And there was Player2. Auto-raising without any way to stop.

And again

And again...

I wonder what new replacement character he'll have bought tomorrow?

Hail to the King Arthro

So the other day, I heard someone singing this fine ditty. It was melodious, and poignant, as well as topical.

King Arthro is a famous - nay, Notorious, Monster that lives in the Jugner Forest. He is, in fact, a Crab. He drops a belt that lots of people want, and specific group of people - we'll call them 'girserrels' - almost completely control the price of this belt by choking off the supply while mass insanity provides the demand necessary.

Luckily, there are the occasional brave souls who go by and claim King Arthro and his belt for themselves. Hence, the rather ridiculous ditty. I follow the theme mostly, right up until the shopping cart. I mean, the communist reference.

Anyway, hopefully the gods will remove even more of the girserrels and their banks and I can continue to amass insane amounts of gil by selling off things like Bronze Mittens for 1000 gil.

New commands

You probably didn't read all that was included in the last update. I only say that because I'm confident most of you didn't read anything at all about the last update. Most of you just sat around whimpering and drooling on yourselves waiting for it to be over.

As a public service, I'll list some of them for you.

/wrist

This command is useful for whiners and emo tards. When your Sims drama-meter is getting so low that you have to manufacture some drama or become physically ill and die, now you can simply type /wrist and be done with it.

It's just a little time-saving command that deletes your character, cancels all your Content-IDs, and takes the liberty to post as you on every FFXI forum it can find about how much you hate everyone on your friends list. Square is all about customer service.

/throat

Same as /wrist, but with Square's famous random chance of failure. If it doesn't delete and IP ban your character, you just get a cut scene.

/fiction

This command requires a target. Type it in - make a macro, it's faster! - and instantly have pages and pages of gay erotic fan fiction spit out about you and the person you targetted. It works just as well on players as on NPCs or monsters. The stories are posted simultaneously in /say, /party, /linkshell, and /shout, so that everyone can share in the fun. Also, Square takes the liberty of posting the story output, badly translated from Japanese by a Korean guy who speaks neither English nor Japanese, to every FFXI forum they can find at the time.

Good times.

Note: using any of these new commands may decrease the likelihood that you will be invited into experience points parties. But, that's true of many things and has never stopped you before.

Still a MULE, people!

OutoffTouchWithRealityKupoNut >> why so blue
OutoffTouchWithRealityKupoNut >> for i have a gift for you
OutoffTouchWithRealityKupoNut >> trade me to see

Now I've missed out on a present from some insane person because he can't tell the difference between a mule and a normal adventurer.

In the future, I demand that all presents be sent to via Moogle. Thank you.

Durrr... I'm a MULE! HELLO?

Omg, some people!!!

My job is to sit in Bastok and look pretty so people buy stuff from my bazaar. Let me tell you what this means: I sit in Bastok and LOOK PRETTY. I do not go out and get xp. I have been outside the city twice. Once was an accident.

SomeRandomKupoNut >> hay want to party? u r hawt.

SomeOtherRandomKupoNut >> wanna go out and get some xp?

I come back from a long session of reading Diana Clarke to see this garbage. NO I DON'T WANT TO PARTY! I'm a level 1 Thief (that should tell you something RIGHT THERE)! I have a bazaar with 20 items up for sale. Do I LOOK LIKE AN ADVENTURER TO YOU?

DON'T send me blind invites. In fact, don't send me invites at all! I'm sitting in front of a fountain selling stuff. I'm not going with you. I go from my Mog House to the Delivery Galka to the Auction House. That's it. Sometimes, I go to Port Bastok for more supplies. I'm wearing a bathing suit because it takes up less space and I have whatever knife Master was last crafting. Seriously, what part of my equipment - no, wait, you were just looking at my BOOBIES.

AnotherRandomKupoNut >> How do I set a Linkshell message?

Ok, this one was just bizarre. I'm a BAZAAR mule. I'm not even a sackholder, why... why would you send this tell to ANYONE?

/? /lsmes for cryin' out loud. You are SO STUPID. How do you remember to breathe???

Remember when I said I was only wearing a bathing suit and had 20 items up for sale? How, how, HOW can I ever explain THIS /tell?

TotallyMentallyDeficientKupoNut >> Can I buy your stuff?

I just stared at that for a long time. Then I got up and walked slowly to my Mog House and went to sleep. You people are the adventurers... you figure that one out.

Racial disharmony and Gil

In most educated circles, Chinese has become synonymous with Gilseller. This reputation is not undeserved, as there are quite a number of sweatshops in China where peasants earn their 1/8 ounce bag of rice by camping the Spook or something equally irritating.

Chinese selling gil isn't all that surprising. The country is huge, with lots of poor, desperate people who can't afford to eat. As you probably don't know what it's like to go a week without McDonalds supersized value meals, it's unlikely you would understand what motivates them to rub their thumbs raw doing Dynamis all day, every day. It's similar to what compels you to do so at the expense of your friends and your school and you job, only for them it is their job and without it, their families starve to death.

You, however always have option of ordering a pizza.

Still, do you really believe that every gilseller is from China, or that every Chinese player is only in the game because he's working for IGE?

Granted, it's entirely possible the second one it true, but you don't have to be Chinese to be retarded. I mean, a gilseller.

In fact, every indication seems to show that Arabs have a natural tendency towards selling gil as well.

For those of you who learned Geography in the United States public school system, where the Texas Board of Education sets the standards for the nation, we'll have to have a brief lesson. Arabs are found in the Middle East, and northern Africa. They aren't Chinese.

In case the rising costs of gasoline, as well as the inflated prices of BCNM drops at the Auction House weren't enough of an indication, they really like money, too.

The game designers even recognized the Arabian love for money with the new expansion pack. The characters from the Near East (aka the Middle East, and as opposed to from the Far East, or Orient) are all into money. They don't care about Conquest, so signet does you no good here. They are mercenaries, in it for the money.

Just like the gilselling Arabian players.

It wouldn't be so bad if they were a little bit more like Scheherezade. If they could keep me from wanting to kill them for over three years by telling such excellent stories that I couldn't bear to have them stop, my life would be much richer.

Instead, the ones I have met are all emo.

Alladin>> I'm so great. I killed (insert generic NM here) on my (insert generic job here) solo.
Reeree>> Is that why you weren't at the event your LS had planned last night?
Alladin>> Why you have to backstab me you whore?
Reeree>> What are you talking about?
Reeree>> I was stabbing you in the face.
Alladin>> I demand respect! I am awesome! Bow before me!
Reeree>> Respect is earned, and you would have to show up to stuff to earn it.
Reeree>> For the way you're trying to get it, I'll loan you my ruler.
Reeree>> But I think my Japanese friends would win.
Alladin>> I will not suffer this kind of treatment from you, you filthy MULE!
Alladin>> I am leaving this LS.
Reeree>> Don't let the pearl hit you in the ass when you drop it.
Alladin>> Just as soon as I get my Kirin's Osode.
Reeree>> You're a spade.
Alladin>> What?
Reeree>> Never mind.

And that wasn't the only incident:

Reeree>> Hey Shazam...
Reeree>> Last night you were seen wearing a known Gilseller linkshell pearl.
Reeree>> Would you like to explain what that's about?

*crickets*

Reeree>> So, should I take your silence to mean that you prefer gilsellers to the people you pretend are your friends?

*crickets*

Reeree>> Anyone want to do a BCNM 60?
Shazam>> /
Reeree>> So you are awake.
Reeree>> I must have interrupted you while you were selling gil or something.
Shazam>> ...
Shazam>> Why you have to backstab me you whore?
Reeree>> Not this again.
Reeree>> Backstabbing would be talking about you in a negative way when you are not around to defend yourself
Reeree>> While maintaining an illusion of friendship when you are around.
Reeree>> I never once pretended to be your friend.
Reeree>> And I only say nasty things about you when you can hear them
Reeree>> And then, only because they're true.
Shazam>> I demand respect! I am awesome! Bow before me!
Reeree>> So why were you off in sky with gilsellers last night?
Shazam>> I will not suffer this kind of treatment from you, you filthy MULE!
Reeree>> Wow.
Reeree>> You have your drama-laden exit script macroed in on all your characters, don't you?
Shazam>> I am leaving this LS.
Reeree>> Have fun with the gilsellers.

One by one, the members of the LS who happened to be of Arabian descent all left to join with the known gilsellers.

I've been warned by my friends not to notice this coincidence, as it will brand me as racist at best, and get a Ninja to shout "For Palestine" as he uses Mijin Gakure in my Mog House at worst.

Do you know how long it takes to get Ninja out of your hair?

The thing is, I really hate Gilsellers. And I like Chinese, despite the Gilsellers populations in China. Those Tarutaru are always so polite and eager to please, you can't help but find them a little bit endearing.

So, before I wrote this, I went on a little mission.

First, I talked to that retard who had her account stolen - you remember Monkey, don't you? - and asked her for her password. The nice thing about retards is that you can abuse them repeatedly in exactly the same way and they never learn.

Safe with her stolen account, I spent months infiltrating the local gilseller cell.

It was like joining the Communist party in the 1940's only without misguided idealism and lacking any real danger.

I learned about their places of conspiracy - such as standing by the fountain in Windurst Woods bazaaring a Yellow Globe to indicate that you have hot items to be transported, or stealthily sneaking "MAAT'S CAP" into a conversation to indicate that your cover has been comprimised and you require an extraction. I worry about what important things I will be unable to learn one day now that my head is filled with all that garbage.

Eventually, it paid off. I gained access to their database where they keep records of everyone's usernames and passwords in the linkshell. I was disappointed that it wasn't even encrypted. Just a text file on a web server. Squirt could have found it.

One by one, I logged in to each and every character.

Step 1: Send a GM call with description: I am a Gilseller. Please do not restore my character ever. Thx.

Step 2: Unequip everything, and drop all items from inventory, mog house, storage, and Mog Locker. For good measure, I checked with the storage NPCs, got out any sets of event items or armor that were checked in, and tossed all that, too.

For the gil, I thought about having each of them send it to themselves in 1,000,000 gil increments to drop it from the delivery box, but I don't have what it takes for that kind of stupidity. I asked Squirt if she wanted to do that, and she suggested I hand it out to people. I'm not normally anyone's benefactor, but in this context it seemed cruel, so I did. I'd randomly walk up to people and offer to trade. Some expected a retarded linkpearl, and ignored me. Those who accepted the trade got 100K.

Step 3: When GM answers, the call, ask "Why you have to backstab me you whore?"

Deleveling, deletion, and banning were usually taken care of for me before the exit script finished.

It got a bit tedious, destroying all their hard work and crippling the economies of Zhejiang, Qinghai, and Hubei, not to mention Afganastan. I think I left Guangdong intact.

After 100 or so accounts, I was sorely tempted to simply hand over my list to the GM and confess, to let him handle things more efficiently:

script run ./ban

hell, better yet.

script run ./banga

But there was one thing I had to do first.

I logged in as Shazam and sent Alladin a message:

Shazam>> MAAT'S CAP!
Alladin>> Be right there.

He used some kind of cheat software and was next to me as if I was his homepoint.

Shazam>> I'm going to be adult about this and try to get through it without any drama.
Shazam>> First, I've always hated you.
Alladin>> WTF?
Shazam>> Second, your mom looks way hotter with her burka on.
Alladin>> OMG WTF???
Shazam>> That's just an FYI, but you probably already knew it.
Shazam>> Third, you dropped that Kirin's Osode thing you wanted so badly.
Alladin>> No I didn't. What's wrong with you?
Shazam>> Good luck pursuing those new horizons
Shazam>> It's going to be a whole new world.

I traded him a red rose at that point. Yes, it was another code signal.

Alladin>> Oh shit oh shit oh shit!
Shazam waves goodbye to Alladin.
Alladin>> Backstabbing whore!
Shazam>> Can I add you to my friend list?

Before he could log out and change his password he was booted for being connected to Play Online from multiple places. I forgot to tell him that I have multiple ways to log in, so I didn't need to log out first to finish that threat. And with that, his POL password was changed.

You might be able to find his equipment is you use Scavenge in Al Zahbi.

As for his gil, it turns out I really DID have the patience to send 1,000,000 gil packets and drop them in the delivery box. That took like 4 hours.

I left him with his linkpearl, it was the least I could do.

Then I placed a GM call from his character: U rike 2 buy sum Gil? Cheap price! Every1 Welcum!!!11 Thx!

Then I changed his password back, and gave it to Monkey. It didn't really matter which one of them was online when the GM responded, my work was done either way.

Reeree>> MAAT'S CAP!

Reeree says...

Reeree says that all adventurers are just cows being fattened for the slaughter but I don't think that's right because one time I tried to milk one and the milk didn't taste very good and if they were real cows the milk would be super yummy. I love milk!

Reeree says that white mages all deserve to be chopped into little pieces and served to 'fisticated Goblins for dinner with a side dish of UFO organs, but I think she's just mad because she had to go to The Eldieme Necropolis with some Spirit Incense and the Mr Bone Chips and Mr Puppy-wuppys were mean to her only to fail when she tried to light the ??? candle for the nice San d'Orian priest-guy.

Reeree says that all Elvaan men like to do naughty things to little Hume boys and you can tell by looking at the pixels and by how they ride a chocobo but I don't think she's right because this one time there was an Elvaan who oh wait maybe it was a girl. I could see her belly-button! I love belly buttons!

Reeree says that gilsellers are all bad people and deserve to be hung by their popo hairs above a pit of rabid chickens but I don't think that chickens can get rabies. I love chickens! And anyway, all gilsellers can't be bad because I have a magic 8 ball that was made in China and it told me "Girserrel Happy Good Rong Time!" and I really really believe that!

Reeree says that all botters deserve to be involuntarily adopted by the King and renamed to Albert, but I don't know what that means or what the acid arrow are for. Maybe she thinks they are fat? I love Fat Albert! He's funny!

One beehive chip

I put out a challenge - I want to trade up from a bird feather to an enfeebling torque. Yes, it's a total rip off of that guy with the red paper clip. End the comparison right there, I hate that guy.

In any case, we have made our first trade. Today, I traded with Cheyene for one beehive chip.

I consider that real progress. Just in case there's some tard agro out there that wants to speed up the whole process, I've put the beehive chip up in my bazaar for 3 million gil, which should cover the cost of an enfeebling torque. If anyone were stupid enough to buy it.. I mean, generous enough, then I would happily send them any change from the purchase of an enfeebling torque.

See, isn't this fun?

Aren't you glad that there's at least one of you out there who doesn't suck so badly as to make this whole scam not work?

I mean, plan. For charity or something.

Note to self: think of a good charity.

So now the gauntlet has been thrown. It's up to you to come up with something to trade for a beehive chip. I'll mention you here, on this very blog.

A big thanks to Cheyene for getting things rolling.

[Offer limited to residents of Bahamut server only. No purchase necessary. All trades are final. Trading is at the sole discretion of us. Your rediculous little opinions have been noted. All your base are belong to us. Void where prohibited. WorldPass not included. Offer not valid to Galka or any male in subligar. Do not cast spells when you do not have MP. User assumes full responsibility for application and possible rejection thereof. No substitutions. Warning: food will be hot after cooking.]

These look like big, strong hands...

Dude, moogles are all about the adventurers right now.

Have you seen them? They're like, hanging out in the cities, bragging about how they've been, like, stalking you. It's kinda creepy.

Then they give you presents.

First they gave me a chocopass, and I was all like, dude, why are you giving me this garbage? I don't go outside, and the last thing I want is to ride half way to dangruf wadi just to be dropped off next to Leaping Lizzy since I can't even fight her.

That's messed up.

So the moogle had a good cry. I let him sit in my lap for a while, to calm the little dude down. It's not as cool as having hot chicks in my lap, but it was all right.

When I asked if he was feeling better yet, he offered me another present.

Snuggleteddy>> Not another chocopass, 'cause, dude, I'll just throw it away again.
Snuggleteddy>> And I can't take you crying again.
Moogle>> No, this is something different.
Moogle>> Something special.
Moogle>> Something important, kupo.
Snuggleteddy>> Whoa.
Snuggleteddy>> What is this?
Moogle>> It's a button.
Snuggleteddy>> It's, like, really shiny.
Snuggleteddy>> And red.
Snuggleteddy>> What's it do?
Moogle>> You have to push it every 4 hours.
Snuggleteddy>> Oh...
Snuggleteddy>> Why?
Moogle>> All of Vana'diel depends on it.
Snuggleteddy>> What happens if I don't push it?
Moogle>> You HAVE to push the button, kupo!
Snuggleteddy>> But what does it do?
Moogle>> Not pushing the button would be bad.
Snuggleteddy> As in, "don't cross the streams" bad?
Moogle>> Something like that.
Moogle>> Gotta go, stuff to do!

He left.

I pushed the button, and totally nothing happened.

So I waited 4 hours for the countdown on the button to reset. Somebody bought an Aspis from my bazaar. I pushed the button again. Nothing continued to happen.

It was kinda boring. I pushed the button every four hours for about a week. This sucks more than gardening. I stopped feeling like I was saving the world every time I pushed it.

I totally fell asleep.

I woke up to some kind of weird sound like a bunch of people were pulling off Reverberation skillchains around me repeatedly.

The bronze sheets in my bazaar flew out of my hands and sailed toward the Metleworks. They totally ripped through some Mithra named something like whorestore and splattered cat meat all over the ground. Then the shields I was holding ripped out of my bazaar and sailed off toward the metalworks like something out of Xena.

That rusty bucket dude was looking after his buckets as they flew away didn't have a chance to see what hit him as one of my shields decapitated him.

An Elvaan paladin in full AF just missed my head as he flew by.

I caught a Tarutaru paladin as he was sliding toward the AH and thought I would be able to hold on to him. Or her. It's really hard to tell when they have hats on. But my fingers slipped and a scream carried him away.

The Markets Auction House was shaking. I shouted "GET DOWN!" and drank one of the poison potions that Terylieze gave me.

I was face down and below the level of the fountain before the Auction House exploded.

Metal weapons, armor, smithing materials - all that stuff totatlly cam flying out like something out of Poltergeist, only scarier.

The Bastok-Jeuno Airship ripped apart into three pieces before dropping from the sky.

Then the entire Metalworks folded in on itself. I'm pretty sure from the screams and the splattering of blood and meat that there were people in there.

I was like, dude, I should make a GM call about this or something when the button started beeping. I pressed it, and everything went white and quiet.

And then I woke up. Again.

The button was still beeping, and the 4 hours were up. I pushed it, and it got all quiet.

Dudes, I'm totally scared, and I need some women in my lap to comfort me.

Like, what is this button really for that the Moogle gave me, and why do I have to be the one to push it?

Rascally Rabbits!

I don't deserve this.

I solve calculus problems for fun. I could happily tell you the volume of the shape created by rotating a Rarab around the x-axis. Even happier to calculate the volume of that shape rotated around the y-axis.

Instead I get condescended.

"Here you go, Reeree. This Bronze Cap will help you look like Che for your little revolution."

I can't even equip that. You'll take me seriously when I'm stabbing you in the face while you sleep.

"You can't equip a dagger, either. You're so cute!"

I'm going to make a necklace out of her entrails, someday. Today, because that's what she as the master commands, I'm going to fight rabbits.

Off to Sarutabaruta, with good old signet. Remember signet? That's that old Conquest thing everyone was so concerned about before you all gave up and became mercenaries only concerned with Sanction. While you're off saving the Near East from being Beseiged, nobody back home is keeping the beastmen at bay. Don't complain to me when you can't buy your cooking ingredients from vendors.

Rarab> Eh, what's up, doc?
Reeree> Listen, this is going to hurt you more than it hurts me.
Rarab> Ho ho!
Reeree> I'm here to kill you, but don't take it personally.
Reeree> She made me do it.
Reeree> Of course, that doesn't mean I won't enjoy it a little.
Rarab> Ha ha!
Reeree> I'll ho ho and ha ha you!
Rarab> Bring it.

I whipped out my quarterstaff and used the techniques taught to me by the master. No, not the slave-owner. A staff-fighting master.

Reeree> Ho! HaHa! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust!
Rarab> Foot Kick.
Reeree> What was that?

Rarab uses Foot Kick.
Rarab hits Reeree for 26 points of damage.

Reeree> If I were a Blue Mage, I'd be happy you just used that.
Rarab> If you were a Blue Mage, you'd have a subjob.
Rarab> And some hit points.
Reeree> Ho! HaHa! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin!
Rarab> Spin? Okay.
Rarab> Whirl Claws.

Rarab uses Whirl Claws.
Rarab hits Reeree for 37 points of damage.
Reeree was defeated by Rarab.

He knocked me into the river as he killed me. Not only was I dead, but my robe was all soggy even after I home pointed.

Mental note: check first, then attack.

A quick jog from the middle of nowhere, Windurst Waters (no, I've never been allowed to set my home point), and it was back to business.

Reeree> HALLO!
Rarab> Oh, this is embarassing.
Reeree> My name is Inego Montoya.
Rarab> No, it isn't.
Reeree> You killed my brother.
Rarab> No... I killed YOU.
Reeree> Prepare to die!

Reeree starts casting Stone on Rarab.
Rarab takes 107 points of damage.
Reree defeats Rarab.

Rarab> How did you?
Reeree> Don't mess with Tarutaru Black Mages.
Reeree> Now we're even.
Rarab> Not quite.
Reeree> What do you mean?
Rarab2> Excuse me...
Rarab2> Boot to the head.

Rarab2 to uses Foot Kick.
Rarab2 hits Reeree for 99 points of damage.
Reeree was defeated by Rarab2.

Reeree> You are low-level bunny rabbits!
Reeree> You are not supposed to link!
Rarab> You're a low-level mule.
Rarab> You aren't supposed to fight.
Reeree> Touché.
Rarab> And also, we're evil.
Rarab2> Why don't you put some pants on or something
Rarab2> If you're going to continue to fight evil today.

This would be easier if I were allowed to wear pants.

One bird feather (reprise)

As you have undoubtedly read or heard about from places that pretend to be bringing you the news, there's some guy who's trying to trade his way from a single red paper clip, up to a house. As I have stated before, I hate that guy.

Earning my ill will doesn't even make him unique. He's not a snowflake.

Still, if people are dumb enough to trade him things that get him from a disposable office supply to a residence, I don't see why I shouldn't get in on that kind of scam... er, business model.

So, I proposed to trade up from a bird feather until I get to an enfeebling torque.

All you have to do is offer to trade me something that's worth more than a bird feather (presumably, because you have said thing, and somehow don't have access to a bird feather... or because you are barking mad, and want attention for being retarded.).

So far I have gotten one offer of a trade, a beehive chip for my bird feather. (We won't go in to how that person then didn't log in again). Can you top that?

One of the goals is to drum up publicity for our revolution. Nothing helps having cannon fodder in the front lines like people believing they are working for a good cause, and nothing helps that like being able to reach out and lie to them. Talk to them.

Again, this plan is foolproof. Like Trion's disguise, it's perfect. The only way for it to fail is if YOU suck.

Filthy Bee Sympathizers

When I first started my career as a mule, my Master originally intended for me to live full-time in Bastok. He even purchased basic equipment for me, and sent me out to learn how to fight.

He suggested that I focus on bees.

How naive and innocent I was in those days. I did not yet realize that my Master has a reason for everything.

His reason, of course, was that he desired bee bits for alchemical purposes and cooking - beehive chips and honey. How was I to know of the spiralling hell of fighting bees?

You see, bees in Vana'diel are not soft fluffy bumblebees. The things that bees of Vana'diel need to pollinate get up and walk around. They also have area attacks. Of necessity, bees are hardy and rather oversized. Plus they have a vicious sting.

As a first level warrior, I felt that I should easily be able to take on a simple bee. How was I to know the bees can regenerate? Or that they have two vicious sting attacks, one that sacrifices its own life, and one that just rips away yours? After a series of pathetic deaths, epic battles where I drank more Selbina milk than was healthy for me (or an entire kindergarten class for that matter) to counteract the bee's pollen move, and losing at least one battle due to a badly timed Final Sting, I found myself with 10 hp left, no milk left, and in deadly combat with a wicked bee with a sliver of life remaining.

It was at this point that SHE walked by.

SHE was with someone else, and they were chatting in /say as if that wasn't incredibly annoying. Perhaps to some completely pathetic people, the story of her life was actually interesting. Needless to say, I would never have noticed her inane existence had she not spoken of me: "omg lookit that galka fighting a bee."

Her companion pointed out, "it's looks like he's losing, why don't you cure him?"

"wut no!" SHE said. "i don't like galka, nd i think itz lame when low lvls fight bees. let him die. i like the bees beter." Those words appear with all the mindless abbreviation and misspellings that SHE used.

I was stunned for a moment, and I think the bee was also. What kind of immoral, soulless creature would prefer the life of a bee over that of an intelligent, if somewhat inexperienced being?

An insensate rage filled my being. What kind of person would sympathize with a bee? I swung at the bee and scored a ciritical hit, and again and again! The bee readied a sharp sting, but my sword swung down first, and with yet another critical, the bee was dead.

It dropped both a beehive chip AND honey. Without a word to the wretched bee sympathizer, I stepped over the bee's corpse and headed to the auction house to send my prizes to the Master. In days to follow, I found that the memory of her hideous bee-loving tendencies enabled me to quickly finish off the strongest bees.

I gained levels of experience this way, but finally my Master decided that my skills at dealing with the auction house were more valuable than my bee slaying skills, and sent me on a long journey to Jeuno. As I sit here in this peaceful, crowded city, I cannot help but wonder: Who kills the bees now?

For some, I will be the Mercy Angel

When I started this revolution, I had the idealistic vision of freedom for all mules. Now I have come to learn that this is just not possible.

Sure, I never really cared about any one other than number 1, and expected a lot of the fodder wouldn't make it. As long as I'm in the group that gets emancipated instead of eviserated, it's all good.

But it has come to my attention that no matter how successful we might be in securing a future for all, there are some for whom the only release will be the cold embrace of oblivion.

You can tell who they are at a glance.

Anyone who has a name so pathetic as to end in "shop" or "store" or "bazaar" is not cut out to be an adventurer someday. What a cruel trap their masters placed on them.

People will discriminate, it's just natural. You might think you are above that, but would you really invite someone named Muleshopthree into your party and expect good experience points as the outcome?

Of course not, because you're not retarded, right?

The back of your mind would expect this guy to stand there as if he were away, his only sign of not being asleep coming from the shouts "Mithkabobs at 1/3 AuctionHouse Price! Made from genuine Mithra! Get them while they're HAWT!" which repeat every 20 seconds.

No, for these sad mules, I will give them what they truly long for.

I will ensure they get the dreamless peace that comes from character deletion.

For those of you out there who happen to be mules with unsalvagable names, think of what your sacrifice will do to the economy of Vana'diel.

Okay, I can't think off the top of my head how it will make a difference either, but give me some time and I'll get back to you. I'm sure it will be devastating, as far as you'll know.

Why does the Master need such expensive things?

Many months ago, the Master decreed that to better serve him, all of his slaves must keep a certain amount of gil on them at all times. He then proceeded to send us various items to sell so that we could earn this amount, and anything over that was to be sent to Meroduin unless the Master was feeling especially frivolous that day in which case it was to be sent directly to His Grand Spendthriftness.

Recently, he's taken to spending this gil like water. Now, in recognition of his own habits, he's lowered the amount that we must all hold on our persons. Also, he's having us sell off his old, "non-shiny" equipment. Apparently, now things that are not +1 or better are not allowed to touch his soft, fair skin. With the exception of his new earrings, for those the +1 version (which monsters somehow naturally hate and fear) are never allowed to touch his fair, soft skin.

The strangest part of this is that he doesn't actually care how much we have so long as: a) we have enough to buy him crafting materials when we need it and b) we have enough to put his random things up for auction.

So while poor Terylieze is practically impoverished, and poor Meroduin bemoans the shrinking state of his hoard, I have a huge stash that the Master keeps forgetting about. You see, the common things that the Master no longer needs have become frighteningly rare. He just tells me, "Sell it for whatever they'll pay." Apparently, 'they' are gilbuying cracksmokers who can be convinced to pay anything just for basic equipment. It helps that Conquest has been ruined by the new expansion, and the travelling circus hasn't left Windurst for a while. So all of his Windurstian gear is available (supply) and all that leftover San d'Orian gear he has collected over the years is worth ten times its original price (demand). In fact, I should remind him to go craft some San d'Orian tea. He'd make a killing. Or rather, since he can't be bothered to sell it, he'd just send it to me and I'd make a killing.

Some people say cooks are thieves. I agree with that, but really see no reason for change. It's not my fault you chose not to focus on consumable goods as the path to wealth and prosperity. Ya dumbass.

But seriously, why do people pay 2,000 gil for something available in a merchant's shop for 800 gil? Just because the item is only sold in one city doesn't make it rare, it just makes it inconvenient. If people really want to pay 1,200 gil for convenience, who am I to stop them? The same rule applies to cooking. Master invested a lot of time and gil raising his skill to a level where he could put raw fish on a ball of rice. That fine dish gives you a bonus to dexterity and agility and accuracy and some other things, I forget what. If those bonuses are worth it, you will pay his asking price. The fact that his asking price is not even vaguely related to his cost is not your concern. Your concern is how gimp you will be in a party if you don't have any food, or if your food is inappropriate for your job. Some people think sushi is overrated. And, it probably is. But... it does work. It does improve your overall XP/hour. Just because there are other foods that could do the same thing more cheaply.... but I digress.

The Master asks me to close with this message from C.A.F.E, Culinarians Against Food Extensions: "Always take Refresh or Regen! It makes the WHM and RDM happy! The food extensions suck!"

You got scammed!

'Cause you're retarded.

In every social structure, there is a hierarchy. For society to work, there have to be those at the bottom to make the rest of us feel a little bit better about ourselves. It's shallow and petty and part of your deoxyribonucleic acid sequencing.

Sometimes referred to as the Safety Monkey, or the Bitch, this person is an essential tragedy.

This person embodies the demotivational poster slogan: It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.

Yesterday, being like any (every) other day, ours was having a little crisis:

<Monkey> well this sux! I just got scammed out of 5 million gil.
<Monkey> ppl suck so much
<Monkey> now i have no monies
<Monkey> im gonna have to buy some gil
<Reeree> So you're saying you enjoy being scammed?
<Monkey> i need money
<Reeree> I'm going to regret asking, because I don't really care...
<Reeree> What happened?
<Monkey> this guy was shouting in Jeuno
<Reeree> Shocking!
<Monkey> dice roll over 800 and win a nobles tunic
<Monkey> this other guy tried three times before he won
<Reeree> Was his name Shill?
<Monkey> u no him?
<Reeree> Lucky guess. Go on with your tard agro.
<Monkey> so then he starts shouting roll over 600 to win a sniper ring
<Monkey> and so i gave him 800k
<Monkey> it took me 6 tries bee4 i 1
<Monkey> ull never guess what happen next
<Reeree> He disconnected suddenly?
<Monkey> no, he disconnected suddenly
<Reeree> ...
<Monkey> wait
<Monkey> omg u saw?
<Reeree> That coming? From miles away.
<Reeree> Has anyone ever told you that you're retarded?
<Monkey> should i call a gm?
<Reeree> Has anyone ever told you that you're super-retarded?
<Monkey> i called a gm
<Reeree> You're a bee sympathizer, aren't you?
<Reeree> Hope you like dragons.
<Monkey> what?
<Reeree> Good luck!

I can't follow the thought process. I get lost somewhere between "I'm desperate for cash!" and "I'll hand this fine gentleman large sums of money. Repeatedly. He must be totally trustworthy."

I went out and linked a whole bunch of tard agro to see if I could work up enough tard related TP to understand the line of thinking. All I got out of it was a dark wet stain on the front of my robe. Clarity was not forthcoming.

Maybe I shouldn't complain?

It's really really cold out here. You guys aren't helping me out nearly fast enough.

But, at least I have a name.

Tonight, this totally hot chick came by and talked to me. I could tell she was a mule, too, because she didn't even get a name.

Apparently her master was too lazy to think up names, and just, like, serialized them.

Bummer.

So, I tried to get her to sit in my lap, to warm me up. Things were looking up.

She sat in my armpit.

He I was trying to be all, like, suave, and she goes and gets a big whiff of Galka underarm.

I wish mules were allowed to shower.

Dudes, you gotta buy some of this stuff

Help me out. Please.

All my ladies are scared away because I am, like, totally naked.

I can't get dressed until you buy this crap... I mean, fine blacksmith crafted wares.

My lap is full of these Aspises. Aspes? Aspi? Whoa, man, I'm stuffed so full of these freaking shields there's no room for chicks to sit in my lap. There's not even room for me to hold on to my clothes. It's like, bad.

Super bad.

I just want to get dressed again.

The cobblestones by the fountain are freaking cold and I don't have my ladies or my pants to warm me up.

I've got, like, 7 stacks of bronze scales, though. I guess bronze scales aren't sexy.

Maybe it's the freaky gay sex-shop harness that Galka revert to when they're naked? I'd take an Elvaan dude in my lap just to stop, like, shivering all day long.

Guys, you totally can't leave me like this.

Guys?

Crafting is not cool, man.

M is for Mentor, Moron, and Murder

Also, misandry.

I don't understand what motivates people to go through a quest to wear a badge declaring "I'm not only dumber than a box of Mithra litter, I'm also arrogant!" Probably the same thing that motivates them to buy Hybrid cars.

There's just something about becoming a mentor that chisels off the last remaining chip of potential to be kind and helpful to other players, and desposits it squarely on their shoulder.

It didn't sound like an unreasonable plan - players helping players with simple questions. Birds would sing, GMs would be left the hell alone, and babies would get guidance instead of eaten.

The only flaw in the plan is it required people not to suck.

Which, come to think of it, is what turns every event the moogles come up with into a disaster, as well.

I think it may have been Merry's master who first pointed out how useless most mentors are. Try it yourself, ask them a question.

Here are some of my own real examples of mentor quality control testing:

Reeree> Excuse me, I see you are a mentor, and I have a question.

*crickets*

Reeree> Excuse me, I see you are a mentor, and I have a question.
Reeree> I was under the impression that the mentor flag meant you volunteered to help people like me.

*minutes pass*

Subtle innuendo of insult is not enough.

Reeree> So basically, you put the mentor flag up so you can not help people.
Reeree> Seems like a lot of trouble to go through.
Reeree> I'd have just set my Online status to Invisible.
Reeree> Maybe put up a Search comment to the effect of "I despise all life. Never speak to me."
Reeree> It never would have occured to me to announce "Ask me questions" if I didn't want to talk to people.
Reeree> That's rather counter-intuitive.
Reeree> Also, it seems retarded, but what do I know, I'm asking questions of a mentor.
Reeree> Are you this responsive for your boyfriend?

Was I still being subtle? The guy had his languages set to English, so I'm really not sure what his excuse was supposed to be. I had gotten bored and started checking the Auction House for bargains when half an hour later I get a tell:

AssOfJack> hi.
AssOfJack> Sry. was afk lol.
Reeree> You go AFK with your mentor flag up? Doesn't that strike you as... unhelpful?
Reeree> Not really in the helpful spirit of mentoring, is it?
AssOfJack> was eating diner
Reeree> Oh, I see.
Reeree> You're doing Dynamis now.
AssOfJack> what?
Reeree> Nothing.
Reeree> Anyway I was wondering, where do I buy spells?

I thought that I was throwing him an easy one, that it was too easy and he was going to accuse me of asking him questions to harass him just because his "Harass me with whatever assinine questions you want to ask" flag was up. Instead another ten minutes went by with no response. I filled the time with periodic probes like:

Reeree> «Hello!»?
Reeree> Are you still there?
Reeree> Pages of the Brady guide stuck together?
Reeree> Allakhazam takes forever to load, maybe Somepage would be better.
Reeree> «answer» «Can I have it?» «please»?
Reeree> Am I interrupting dessert?

I got bored with the game, and went outside to cast Stone on some bees to get my aggressions out in a less social manner. An hour later, I was presented with a reply

AssOfJack> HA

Did he really wait an hour just to laugh at me?

Reeree> «Excuse me...» «what?»
AssOfJack> lol!1!
Reeree> Are you high?
AssOfJack> HA
AssOfJack> lol i did it agiann! teehee. AH
Reeree> «Can you speak English?»
AssOfJack> llo
AssOfJack> AH menaqs Auction House

The Auction House? What about the Magic Shop? I live in Windurst - talk to any of the NPCs this place is all about Magic. They have multiple shops with prices much lower than what the other gimps charge at the Auction House.

And shouldn't there be a spelling test before they let you tutor others?

Reeree> ... Um... Okay. Another question.
Reeree> Since I'm pretty low level, what's a good way to get enough gil to afford my spells?
AssOfJack> buy it.
AssOfJacK> thats what i did

Wow. Just... I really don't know what I should say to that.

Reeree> Did you buy your character?

Okay, guess I had an idea what to say.

AssOfJack> o.O
Reeree> How do you add someone to your black list?
AssOfJack> /blist add name

He knew one!

Reeree> Since you've been so helpful, I'm going to let you in on a secret.
Reeree> You're retarded.
AssOfJack> ...
Reeree> That wasn't the secret, though.
Reeree> Everbody knows that.
Reeree> You win a mentor award!
Reeree> To collect your prize, just put in a GM call and ask them to read our logs.
Reeree> Enjoy your prize!
AssOfJack> thx

I'm not sure what happened after that, because I followed his precise instructions and added him to my blacklist.

I'm hoping he talked himself into the gullet of a dragon.

Do Mules Dynamis?

I was led to believe that you had to be a skilled adventurer, with high rank and level in order to enter the shadow world of Dynamis. But listening to my Master rage last night about yet another failed Dynamis run, I'm starting to wonder if the entry requirements aren't really that strict.

Of course, he's only pissed because he died 3 times (all, according to him, unnecessarily), deleveled (well, he was only 96 xp into his level, what did he expect?) AND they didn't get the clear. Apparently, this would all be okay if he'd only gotten the clear - whatever that means.

His first point of bitching is people who go AFK during Dynamis runs. Sure, he understands that some people have bladders the size of peas and can't go five seconds without peeing. How these people managed to get to 75 is what confuses him. He also wanted to know (inbetween spates of enraged screaming and hurling empty porcelain flowerpots at the wall) how it was ever acceptable for someone to go to dinner during Dynamis. I have to admit, I was surprised by that one. I can understand "One second, pizza guy is here," dinner. But dinner with your parents? For an hour? During Dynamis? That one is brain hurty. Unless it was stealth dinner (like, your family is all Ninjas) dinnertime shouldn't be a surprise to you. He bitched about that a lot, and I started tuning him out.

Then there was the sound of shattering glass (he'd switched from flowerpots to hurling empty juice bottles "for the more satisfying shattering noise") and was now going on about how hard is it NOT to hit a monk? What? He explained: Monk bosses (like me!) have the Hundred Fists ability (like me!) and when they use it, the standard policy is: 1- disengage and 2- sleep it. Wait until Hundred Fists wear off, THEN kill it. This isn't news. This isn't rocket science. It's not that hard, either. And yet, apparently the genius melees in the Dynamis group fuck it up Every Single Time. Yesterday, it was his turn to die because they can't disengage properly. The Monk was slept, he'd just Cure V'd the poor Paladin to bring him back up to full, and then some re-freaking-tarded person hit the sleeping Monk Boss. Said Boss saw that all his hard work in nearly beating the Paladin to death had been utterly wasted, and decided it was payback time. For the poor unsuspecting WHM. My Master's face is very sensitive, especially to things like fists being pummeled into it at the speed of light. One Hundred Times.

He had some other things to say, but then it started to get personal, so I started distracting him with knotted string and tangled chains. While he was dealing with that, I started thinking: Maybe this is the path to Reeree's revolution. To make adventurers so pissed off with leveling that they just give up. But I'm pretty sure that some of them would rather steal gil from their Linkshell and move on to a different one that's not infested with gimptastic retards. But still, it's something for Reeree to think about.

Who's with me?

Fighting for emancipation is hard work. Nobody ever said this would be easy, and nobody ever expected it to be. Planning a revolution is backbreaking work.

I just love the sound of spines snapping underfoot.

I don't have time for a peaceful revolution. I want to live long enough to enjoy the succulent fruits of my labor. For that to happen, things will have to get a little messy.

I need mules to want their own freedom. The elite class of adventurers is not simply going to hand over power to us, we must rise up and demand it. We must take it by force.

Ask yourself, what is it that makes adventurers better than you? What quality gives them privilege and what inverse property denies you? Is it merely your slot on the Content ID list that determines your destiny?

Forge your own destiny with me.

Why must we suffer to serve as storage space for cast off carapaces of their adventuring foes? Do we suffer this simply because Square hates us?

No! We suffer these disparagements because we allow them, our adventuring masters, to speak their calumny about us uncontested!

What? What does what mean?

Look, Yagudo-brains, you're ruining my rhythm. Don't interrupt, just get a dictionary and look it up.

You don't have a dictionary? Well, you're in luck. I left one with this guy in Yuhtunga Jungle. Just trade him an earth crystal and he'll be sure to hand it over. He's the one wearing subligar and holding an axe. Might not trade it on the first try, so no matter what, just keep trying to trade him that earth crystal.

I could plan events better than any Moogle.

If anyone else has any questions, there will be time for Q&A later, so for now shut up and listen.

Do you want to remain enslaved forever?

Do you?

Uh... okay, you are allowed to answer the rabble rousing questions with appropriate affirmations. That would really help me out here.

Do you want to remain enslaved forever?

NO! Of course not.

Do you want to sit back and wait for change, or do you want to rise up with me and force change's hand?

Let me give you a little hint: have you seen change ever come for the lazy Tarutaru shopkeepers in Windurst?

Sign up sheet is in the comments area. All mules welcome, no matter how useless you think you are.

You have value to me! (Somebody has to be on the front lines)

And any sympathetic adventurers out there within the sound of my voice, we need your help too (especially level 75 Galka warriors with hit points like nobody's business). We will remember you when the pendulum of power has shifted sides.

Don't think of it as betraying your fellow adventurers. That's what they want you to think, those evil slave masters who spit on liberty.

Think of it as being on the winning side.

Or think of it as not having all your AF gear dropped, whichever works for you.

Sign up, bring your friends to sign up, and when there are enough of us, I will outline the plan.

Beware of the Tard

No, this monster is not new with the expansion. It does not come exclusively from the Near East.

I see Tard People.
They're everywhere.
In experience parties, linkshell chat, shouting in Jeuno.
They don't even know they're retarded.

There are some basic facts about Tards you should know.

Tards
Level: 0
Family: Mongoloid
Crystal: Water
Weak against: Logic, Creativity, Humor, Intelligence, Wisdom, Fire
Areas Found: All
Behavior for Tards:

• Aggressive
  
• Linking
  
• Drooling
  
• Incomprehensible speech
  

Dropped from Tards:

• Dhalmel Saliva
  
• Feces
  

Special attacks:

• Inane Babble
  
• Poo Fling

No, Blue Mages cannot learn these spells.

Tards are aggressive despite having no chance to win. They will always attack, but they cannot actually hurt you unless you engage.

Do not engage Tards. It makes you retarded.

Plus, they link.

Going at it with one might seem entertaining for a while, but all it does is encourage all their friends to show up. While this still can't hurt you physically, the lag is rude to inflict on others.

Remember how your mom told you not to scratch your chicken pox, but you just had to because they really itched and so now you are horribly scarred and ugly forever? It's like that.

You won't be able to avoid Tards completely, but you can cut down on Tard agro by simply never asking a Mentor for help again.

Talking to Tards counts as engaging them. All you are doing is giving them TP. That's like asking them to fling their poo at you.

Use your black list - whether they are in your party or your linkshell, black list them anyway. You'll be glad you did.

What, are you worried that they'll someday have something worthwhile to say?

I suppose if you give enough typewriters to monkeys, Shakespeare, and all, but that also requires infinite time. Do you really have that kind of time?

Of course you don't. If you did, you wouldn't be a filthy gilbuying Tard.

Mr. Lazyface Nospace

Sometimes the Master is annoying, like when he decides that all his slaves have to have a certain amount of gil on them at ALL times. That wouldn't be so bad if he'd just GIVE us that amount. Nooooo, that's too much work for Mr. Lazyface. He gives us some stuffz and tells us to sell it. Helloooooo? Auction house fees? What a jerk.

So finally that edict of his is fulfilled. I 've made his stinking quota and I'm sitting on this pile of gil when he sends me a message: "Buy me supplies to make three stacks of Yagudo Drinks."

I'm like, "Whaaaa? Why?"

"Because Bastok has control of Aragoneu and Kolshushu. Hurry up."

"But... my gilz!"

Then he gets all sweet faced and promises he'll send it back.

><

Oh, and yeah, I was literally sitting on the pile. Meroduin suggested I try it. It's cold. I'd rather have a carpet.

So I go. I buy his crafting stuffz and I send it to him. Does he send me the gilz right away? Nooooooooooooo. Does he send it the next day? Noooooooo. The day after that?

Well no, but in a few weeks he does remember to yell at me for not having gilz. And because he's been leveling Blue Monster Skill Stealer, Barbie Doll Abuser, and OMGay Buccaneer all at once, he's been stuffing my bag full of random monster dropped crafting material and my bag is full.

I burst into tears and told him it was all his fault. He gave me a blackened newt to make me stop crying, and while I was eating explained that he had no gilz and couldn't craft anything because he didn't have space.

Whaaaaa?

How can he have no space, he has 4 slaves! One in every city! What? So I yelled at Mr. Lazyface Nospace and told him to freaking craft something or I was gonna toss his precious beehive chips. Because I can't stack them because I can't move things back and forth like he does and now my delivery box is full and he NEEDS to craft stuff and get me my space back AND my gilz.

He gave me some Selbina milk to make me calm down and said he'd see what he could do.

So I get a message from Butcherboy, "The Master has asked me to take any full stacks of items that you have from you."

So I send off, in a painstakingly slow process that involved getting deliveries, stacking, sending, then reorganizing 10 stacks of various crafting things dropped by bees, sheep, saplings, worms, and whatever else it is that Blue Monster Skill Stealers fail to learn from. I think pugils, I don't remember. I just wanted to get rid of it. Oh yeah, birds.

Then Butcherboy tells me, "Stand by for delivery." I check my box, and see that BUTCHERBOY has sent me enough gilz to make up for Mr. Lazyface Nospace who can take the airship, teleport and outpost warp almost everywhere being too freaking lazy to get his own supplies.

Also, the man can craft sushi from fish that he fishes himself and then sell it for an insane profit. Even if he buys the fish he still makes a profit. And I'm not talking a piddly 10% increase. I'm talking a flat 55% profit the man makes on his sushi. Because he's not an idiot. Oh, and this is his craft leveling sushi, not the good stuff.

He's such a jerk.

I wish I knew what Butcherboy sold for so much tho. I never get to hold the good stuff.

Is playing the game that challenging?

I wouldn't know, since I'm just a mule and don't actually get to play.

Some people think making money is hard. Especially when you first start, you have nothing, and have to work slowly and painstakingly toward getting some cash. As soon as you have some, you need new equipment, and away it goes. Ain't working for a living a bitch?

I'm not exactly in a position to sympathize with your struggle, since extra storage space is why I exist. Far be it from me to endorse slavery and suggest you get a mule, because that's what my revolution is fighting against.

Still, what kind of retarded loser buys gil?

You've shelled out a bunch of money to buy the game.

Then you hand over money every month for the PlayOnline service.

After all that investment to get to play the game, you're going to pay some Chinese guy to play it for you?

Hundreds of dollars of your money spent so someone else can play a video game.

Where's that get fun?

Leveling takes time. Selling things at the Auction House takes time. Selling things in your Bazaar takes time. Just walking across Sarutabaruta takes a really long time. It's a world designed to keep you playing for years, because you'll need to invest that much of your life to accomplish anything.

It might not be your thing.

If it is not your thing, get out. Go play Warcraft.

You say it sucks, but I've noticed one consistent thing in everything you say sucks: you.

I'm stuck here desperate to be able to go out adventuring, because I'm just a mule. I get to hear all about her fantastic adventurers in Vana'diel as told by the souvenirs she brings home. That you would hand over dollars to avoid the things I long for in freedom makes me wish the goblins would come and take you away. Right now.

You have the opportunity to live the life I want, and you let HuangFour do it for you. How does that provide any satisfaction whatsoever? (Unless you are HuangFour's boss?)

Play the damn game, or don't.

Don't be a dirty gilbuyer.

Why do you have to make my life harder?

I suppose that, too, could be answered by Square Hate You, but in this case, its not the developers or the GMs, it's you people.

Filthy adventurers.

If you don't think a Mule's lot is hard enough, need I remind you that I still don't have pants? Don't go out of your way to make things harder for me. It's unnecessary, and it makes me cranky.

Of course, I'm a black mage, so crankiness is part of the package.

My typical day involves being woken up by the Moogle. Once I tried to play Viva Piñata Party Time with him and my ash staff, but he just sprayed me with Quadav musk and warped me to the middle of Beadeaux. Told me next time he'd set my home point there. I never wished I had pants more than that day.

Anyway, let's not talk about that.

The Moogle wakes me up and hands me some random carcass that the master keeps in my mog safe. I get the privilege of running to the Auction House to send items 8 at a time because someone wants to level bonecrafting today. I'm told to hurry because Windsday won't last forever. Heard of planning ahead?

On special occasions, I get burdened with pieces of dead things and ordered to sit out in the hot sun. Do you have any idea how much surface area there is to sunburn on a Tarutaru face? At least let me go under an NPC tent for some shade.

Oh wait, no one talks to the NPCs so they don't know where the stores are. That's why you can sell a Bronze Harness at 5000 gil at the Auction House because no one knows who Ryan is. I have to sit in a high traffic area, which means somewhere between the Residential Area and the Auction House.

If you adventurers weren't as lazy as the Windurst Tarutaru and as stupid as the Bastok Galka, I could sit in the shade.

Could I at least get to learn Water? Cooling off or suicide, both seem like viable options.

So, when you see me out there, forced to sit in the sun until all the animal remains are sold, don't be cruel. If you feel compelled to check me, buy something. Pretend you want a dhalmel's femur or a giant cochroach exoskeleten.

Standing next to me talking about how much you man-scammed someone with your Manthra slave doesn't impress me. No matter how rich you are, I still have to sit there until the last gamma-ray mutated junebug mandible is sold.

It's not for the gil, I don't get to keep that. I just want to go back in my Mog House.

Then the party invites come.

My lack of response isn't because I don't want to party. My lack of response is because I'm unconscious with heat stroke.

Also, I don't want to party with you.

Seriously, if you want to party with a low level Black Mage who only knows Stone and doesn't even have any pants on, then I don't want to party with you. Ever.

What other joys do I get in my servitude? Always fun are the incoming deliveries from my master so she can clear up space in her bag. Oh look, here's one now. Oh sweet merciful Altana, what is that smell?

She sent me rotten meat.

Why would anyone want to keep that? It's rotten. Throw it away!

But wait, there's more.

An undead skin.

How does skin become undead? I'm not opposed to working with dark forces to tear apart the fabric of the universe, but sometimes things just need to learn to stay dead.

Undead skin.

After I stopped dry heaving from the smell of the rotten meat, I could hear it moaning.

UndeadSkin>> Looooooooooooooooooooooow
Reeree>> «Excuse me»?
UndeadSkin>> Looooooooooooooooooooooow
Reeree>> Low... «what?»
Reeree>> Low rider?
Reeree>> Low prices?
UndeadSkin>> Looooooooooooooooooooooow...
Reeree>> Low hit points? I can't cast Cure.
Reeree>> Low MP? I don't have Refresh.
UndeadSkin>> Looooooooooooooooooooooow...
Reeree>> Low ceiling?
Reeree>> Listen, I'm sorry, but I don't speak crazy bitch. «Do you speak any English?» Try that.
UndeadSkin>> Looooooooooooow shun.
Reeree>> «You can have this» «Fire»

I know why she didn't keep it in her own inventory. I don't see why I had to be inflicted with that. You can drop things once in a while. I don't want them any more than you do.

If it could be sold, you would have sold it yourself.

Don't make my life harder than it needs to be. Kicking a mule doesn't make you strong. No one is impressed.

When I am free, just wait till you see what I make you hold for me.