M is for Mentor, Moron, and Murder

Also, misandry.

I don't understand what motivates people to go through a quest to wear a badge declaring "I'm not only dumber than a box of Mithra litter, I'm also arrogant!" Probably the same thing that motivates them to buy Hybrid cars.

There's just something about becoming a mentor that chisels off the last remaining chip of potential to be kind and helpful to other players, and desposits it squarely on their shoulder.

It didn't sound like an unreasonable plan - players helping players with simple questions. Birds would sing, GMs would be left the hell alone, and babies would get guidance instead of eaten.

The only flaw in the plan is it required people not to suck.

Which, come to think of it, is what turns every event the moogles come up with into a disaster, as well.

I think it may have been Merry's master who first pointed out how useless most mentors are. Try it yourself, ask them a question.

Here are some of my own real examples of mentor quality control testing:

Reeree> Excuse me, I see you are a mentor, and I have a question.

*crickets*

Reeree> Excuse me, I see you are a mentor, and I have a question.
Reeree> I was under the impression that the mentor flag meant you volunteered to help people like me.

*minutes pass*

Subtle innuendo of insult is not enough.

Reeree> So basically, you put the mentor flag up so you can not help people.
Reeree> Seems like a lot of trouble to go through.
Reeree> I'd have just set my Online status to Invisible.
Reeree> Maybe put up a Search comment to the effect of "I despise all life. Never speak to me."
Reeree> It never would have occured to me to announce "Ask me questions" if I didn't want to talk to people.
Reeree> That's rather counter-intuitive.
Reeree> Also, it seems retarded, but what do I know, I'm asking questions of a mentor.
Reeree> Are you this responsive for your boyfriend?

Was I still being subtle? The guy had his languages set to English, so I'm really not sure what his excuse was supposed to be. I had gotten bored and started checking the Auction House for bargains when half an hour later I get a tell:

AssOfJack> hi.
AssOfJack> Sry. was afk lol.
Reeree> You go AFK with your mentor flag up? Doesn't that strike you as... unhelpful?
Reeree> Not really in the helpful spirit of mentoring, is it?
AssOfJack> was eating diner
Reeree> Oh, I see.
Reeree> You're doing Dynamis now.
AssOfJack> what?
Reeree> Nothing.
Reeree> Anyway I was wondering, where do I buy spells?

I thought that I was throwing him an easy one, that it was too easy and he was going to accuse me of asking him questions to harass him just because his "Harass me with whatever assinine questions you want to ask" flag was up. Instead another ten minutes went by with no response. I filled the time with periodic probes like:

Reeree> «Hello!»?
Reeree> Are you still there?
Reeree> Pages of the Brady guide stuck together?
Reeree> Allakhazam takes forever to load, maybe Somepage would be better.
Reeree> «answer» «Can I have it?» «please»?
Reeree> Am I interrupting dessert?

I got bored with the game, and went outside to cast Stone on some bees to get my aggressions out in a less social manner. An hour later, I was presented with a reply

AssOfJack> HA

Did he really wait an hour just to laugh at me?

Reeree> «Excuse me...» «what?»
AssOfJack> lol!1!
Reeree> Are you high?
AssOfJack> HA
AssOfJack> lol i did it agiann! teehee. AH
Reeree> «Can you speak English?»
AssOfJack> llo
AssOfJack> AH menaqs Auction House

The Auction House? What about the Magic Shop? I live in Windurst - talk to any of the NPCs this place is all about Magic. They have multiple shops with prices much lower than what the other gimps charge at the Auction House.

And shouldn't there be a spelling test before they let you tutor others?

Reeree> ... Um... Okay. Another question.
Reeree> Since I'm pretty low level, what's a good way to get enough gil to afford my spells?
AssOfJack> buy it.
AssOfJacK> thats what i did

Wow. Just... I really don't know what I should say to that.

Reeree> Did you buy your character?

Okay, guess I had an idea what to say.

AssOfJack> o.O
Reeree> How do you add someone to your black list?
AssOfJack> /blist add name

He knew one!

Reeree> Since you've been so helpful, I'm going to let you in on a secret.
Reeree> You're retarded.
AssOfJack> ...
Reeree> That wasn't the secret, though.
Reeree> Everbody knows that.
Reeree> You win a mentor award!
Reeree> To collect your prize, just put in a GM call and ask them to read our logs.
Reeree> Enjoy your prize!
AssOfJack> thx

I'm not sure what happened after that, because I followed his precise instructions and added him to my blacklist.

I'm hoping he talked himself into the gullet of a dragon.