I love you, Fantastic Fraulein Mumor!

Dude! I can't believe my favorite teen idol singer is doing finally performing in Bastok! I wonder if she'll sit in my lap?

Wouldn't that be totally awesome, to have Mumor sit in my lap? I'd never wash my Mumor fanboy Elder Gillet and Trunks again!

I couldn't wait to see her. Sure, most everybody else might claim that they never heard of her before Summerbreeze festival 2008, but I've been a fan since she was playing in dives like the Bat's Lair Inn.

But after all my anticipation, what happens? Some big ugly Skeletor-wannabe guy comes along and tries to ruin her show. He was all:

Ullegore> Ooooh. I'm scary. I'm gonna hit you with my goat stick.

And Mumor was so cool about it.

Mumor> OMG! You're so funny!
Mumor> I could totally magical-girl kick you ass with this lame charm wand.
Mumor> It's not even the +1 version.
Ullegore> You think so, little girl?
Mumor> Bring it on, you buzzard-picked buzzkill.

The crowd was all excited and totally got behind helping her out with love and good cheer.

Crowd> Go Mumor! We love you!
Crowd> You rock, Mumor!
Crowd> I love you're movies!
Crowd> Mumor, will you sign my bathing suit?
Crowd> Sing "Gentleness Of You" next!

Actually, I hoped she would sing "Forever Love"
Snuggleteddy> massugu futari wo terashita
Snuggleteddy> yuuyake kirameiteru
Snuggleteddy> ima made kanjita koto nai kurai
Snuggleteddy> mune no fukaku ga atsui

Then Mumor busted out with special dance moves to really get that demon guy's goat right by the handle of his staff.

Watching and dancing along to all her music videos really paid off.

She's like:

Mumor : Now it's time to use my ultimate attack, the Dancing Force! You're going back to where you belong, Ullegore!

I was, like, not sure how dancing was going to get him to go to Walmart, dude, but I trust Mumor implicitly.

Mumor : Shining Summer Samba!!!
Snuggleteddy performs a passionate samba.
Mumor and Snuggleteddy's dancing Synchronized!
Ullegore : Argh!

Mumor : Lovely Miracle Waltz!!!
Snuggleteddy performs an elegant waltz.
Mumor and Snuggleteddy's dancing Synchronized!
Ullegore : Argh!

Mumor : Neo Crystal Jig!!!
Snuggleteddy performs an intricate jig.
Mumor and Snuggleteddy's dancing Synchronized!
Ullegore : Argh!

Mumor : Super Crusher Jig!!!
Snuggleteddy performs a lively jig.
Mumor and Snuggleteddy's dancing Synchronized!
Ullegore : Argh!


Of course, she won. Was there ever any doubt?

I cheered for every time she tried to have a concert for us, but it became clear.

Ullegore, is like, totally stalking her.

It made me so mad, I was practically crying. My Mumor cosplay mascara was running when I made a video for You-tube:

Snuggleteddy> LEAVE MUMOR ALONE!
Snuggleteddy> All you people care about is making money off of her!
Snuggleteddy> She's a HUME!
Snuggleteddy> What you don't realize is that Mumor's making you all this money and all you do is write a bunch of crap about her!
Snuggleteddy> All you people want is more more more more MORE!
Snuggleteddy> Leave her alone!
Snuggleteddy> You're lucky she even performed for you bastards!
Snuggleteddy> Leave Mumor ALONE!!!!

Your lucky numbers

I was focusing on my crystals, wondering if the time had come to turn them over the the auction house for cash, when I heard the distant voice of a Moogle saying "Your lucky numbers are 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42."

Clearly, I was meant to participate in the Mog Bonanza, but there were some challenges to that.

First challenge - in order to buy a lottery ticket, one must at least be level 5. Upon arriving in Jeuno, I was only level 4.

Second challenge - Tickets are not sold in Jeuno, but even if they were, it wouldn't matter without resolving the first challenge.

Third challenge - my homepoint is now in Jeuno.

I called up Butcherboy and asked him whether he wanted to make a suicidal run with me. Galka are generally incapable of thought when asked for a favor by a woman. Of course he readily agreed.

Plus, I think Meroduin had called him and demanded he try for the gil, as if Butcherboy would give it to the elf to sit on.

We gathered together in Rolanberry Mall, I think - hard to say, it's not like I'm allowed to spend money on maps. In any case, there were lots of bazaars full of stuff no one wanted.

Wearing fishing gear, we decided it was best not to stand still lest Square mistake us for fishing bots. We headed west.

And came to a Cavernous Maw.

Butcherboy>> Let's touch it.
Jeine>> What could go wrong?

Hello CaitSith>> Tee hee! was someone here?

I ended up in Batallia Downs S. Butcherboy in Rolanberry Fields S.

Holding up a pure white feather, we returned to the present. I was greeted by some tigers.

If only I had learned the art of reading the future told in entrails, this would have been a perfect opportunity to practice.

Butcherboy met me back in Jeuno, and we got a teleport to Dem this time. From there it was an easy jog to the zone between North and South Gustaburg where the Quadav gang raped the Galka.

Young Quadav>> I hear you likes the meat, cully!
Butcherboy>> ...
Amber Quadav>> You gotz a purty mouth!

I used the distraction to run for my life. I'm not proud of it.

But, if the stars align and I buy the ticket with the golden wrapper, then Butcherboy's sacrifice will have been worth it,

MOG BONANZA MADNESS

 

It's that time again!  Time for mules to drum up some crazy and make everyone nuts!  And so it begins.

Gambling.

We all know that Moogles have a gambling problem.  And now they want to pass it on to us.

We get 10 chances, to pick a five digit number, and if all 5 digits match the number they pulled out of their furry little butts, we get a crack at....

*thunk*

Now that I have recovered, I have to consider important things, like what numbers to use.  How should I use my forty chances?  Lump betting?  Consecutive spread?  Lucky numbers?  Numbers associated with my identity?

Halp.

School's been out for 20 years

Everyone has been so excited about the Wings of the Goddess, as if the prospect of "new" jobs to level is a great and wonderful thing. Let's analyze, shall we?

In order to unlock the mighty potential of the Scholar, you first need to locate a Cavernous Maw.

Have you seen these things? Apparently they appeared during the Crystal War and no one bothered to figure them out, they just accepted that these classic Japanese Nightmare monsters had every right to suddenly be there. Now they've appeared again.

The name is apt. It is a humongous mouth. Being adventurers, you people see these things and decide that touching them is a good idea.

You don't get nearly what you deserve for that.

From what I've seen, the thing turns you into sparkles like anime bodily fluids, and then inhales you. For those of you who had any doubt, the Cavernous Maw apparently swallows.

And spits.

It spits you out in the past, where no matter that you have achieved rank 10 or defeated god's toes, some low-level punk who doesn't even know what merits are comes up and calls you "citizen" with San d'Orian pretension.

But you think it's all worth it for the chance to unlock jobs that have been extinct for decades.

Which makes you happiest, the ability to dance with the stars at the Lion Spring's Tavern? If you have any self-respect you'll never be able to go back there again.

Or the ability to dress like a school girl while not being able to cast anything special?

Has it occurred to you to stop and think about how no one has bothered with these jobs for so long?

There was a war, and everyone who was these jobs died.

A lot.

If there were any dancers left over, they were killed by friendly fire. All that pirouetting and stomping seriously gets on a Black Mage's nerves.

And scholars, what's that big grimoire for? Certainly wasn't to prevent a dagger to the face. Vellum isn't as strong as all that. Nor to prevent a Fire IV.

Some people say Scholars are really powerful when they're older than dirt. Unfortunately, they can't cast spells or hit anything when they're low level, so getting older than dirt doesn't really happen.

Getting dead, there scholars excel.

OMG MY GIL

YOU BASTARD!  YOU DON'T NEED A FREAKING LIFE SIZED DOLL OF YOURSELF!  I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WASTED ALL MY GIL ON A F**KING MANNEQUIN!  YOU SUCK!  DO YOU HEAR ME? YOU SUCK!

Madness abounds

Lately, I have become embroiled in madness of epic proportions. A crazed woman, desperate for the barely legal love of El Jefe, has begun pursuing him with all the stealth and eagerness of a hippo in heat. Not a starved zoo hippo, a wild hippo from the river jungles of the Amazon, one bent on her object and caring nothing for the thorns and creepers in her path. No, this hippo has plunged forward madly, caring not upon who she trampled or what lies she must tell to achieve her goal.

Thus, for instance, her offer to pay for part of a noble relic in exchange for a ring on her finger, has now become in her twisted mad hippo mind, an attempt by El Jefe to trick her out of her hard earned gil so that he could have a relic on his mule.

Chocolate: I am not a mule, you crazy bitch!

At any rate, because Hippo-in-heat can't trust people and doesn't understand friendship, she can only judge people by her own pathetic, miserable experiences. We should all feel sorry for her, but she makes it very hard. She should be in a zoo, then she would get all the attention she craves and the medical attention that she so desperately needs. And most importantly, she wouldn't be able to stalk El Jefe anymore.

How to Score a Geek Girl #3

Ok, so like these other girls were talking about how to score a geek girl, and I was like, you are both totally weird, and I thought I would give it a try myself. Not like I could do any worse!

1) Why do geek girls find geek guys attractive? Does it go beyond the ill-fitting clothes, the recent stench of stale pizza and spilled mountaindew, and the CRT radiation-burned eyeballs?

Um... it's the fact that you guys think our weird is cute and not creepy. We can talk to you about our passions: modeling (that's Warhammer modeling, not stupid chicks in bikinis), military history, gaming (pen and paper, computer, video - not gambling), string theory, creating worlds from the ground up and then destroying them... and you guys will actually listen. That's HAWT.

Plus, we can clean you. We can't teach jocks about why the Second Silesian War was so vital to the future development of Europe. Sure, they may be prettier to look at, but that shit gets old fast. Stupid jocks.

2) What can a geek guy do to get a geek girl to notice him?

PAY ATTENTION TO ME. Yeah, so I don't tell you about my day at work (we're geeks, our day at work involved pretty much the same stuff as yesterday). But ask me about my latest LS drama. Ask me about that new pattern I just bought for my new costume. Tip: I probably hate everyone I work with, don't ask about them unless I seem pissed off. But always feel free to discuss the new shineys with me (I <3 my Zune).

3) Does a geek girl judge a geek guy on the technology that he surrounds himself with?

Let me rephrase that for you:

3) Does a geek judge another geek on the technology that he surrounds himself with?

Of course I do. But I won't hold it against you - I just want to know what who where why and how. And then I'll show you mine. You remember this game from kindergarten, don't you? It's not girls and boys, it's stuff and friends. "... first ya gotta be my friend..." You know how it goes. If I can't talk to you, I'm not gonna be interested in you for very long.

4) True/False: Geek girls are more affectionate than non-geek girls. Why?

True. Well, for one thing, we're not scared of boys. You guys are like cute scared little bunnies. You're much less likely to be physically abusive of me (and if you are, I'm probably not going to take it) so I am not particularly afraid of you. (Please note: I'm much more likely to hurt you. And get away with it.) This lack of fear leads to trust, trust leads to snuggles, and snuggles lead to... scared bunnies with claw marks on their backs. I'm just saying.

5) What is the one conversation topic that a geek girl can't resist?

Me.

That actually applies to most girls. I think I'm fascinating, the stuff I do everyday is thrilling (in game at least), and I'm quite possibly the pinnacle of human perfection. If you agree, we'll have a lot to talk about. Don't be too obvious tho, no one likes a suck up.

Well...

If you were sincere....

Moving on.

6) Have you ever used your girl geekiness to sway the outcome of an event that a geek boy controlled? Say, for example, your ability to acquire an Xbox 360 on the day of release?

EB Games salesmen the world over can attest to the answer to this question.

Oh Hell Yes.

Magic melons, indeed. They're there for a reason, and they don't let me down.

I try to only use my powers for good. My good.

7) Do geek boys make better long term relationship partners that non-geeks? Why?

Seeing as I am single and have been for years, I can't really answer that question. But I suspect the answer is yes. There may be people who are prettier to look at than me (maybe) but I am intrinsically more interesting than all of them put together. The same is true of geek boys. Who can get bored with a boy who helps you design the perfect villain lair for your next dungeon? That's love.

Now I feel lonely.

8) True/False: Geek girls are impressed by geek boys that continuously show them how much smarter they are.

FALSE. That's annoying in anybody. I don't mind you joining up with me to look down on the rest of the universe. But showing off smarts is best done with ... smarts. Being a show off is stupid and annoying. Tip: I don't really like being beaten at video games. Having a victory handed to me is cute sometimes, but don't make a practice of it. Save it for special days. I far prefer your geeky and obscure sense of humor.

9) Amongst the members of the tribe 'geek', sexism does not exist. All geeks are created equal, therefore all are paid equal. Is this true in your experience?

My job title says you are lying. My paycheck says you are lying too. Sexism does exist, as does racism, colorism, originism... we're geeks, but still human. You can rise above it (and I appreciate it when you do) but that doesn't make it not exist.

10) What is the worst pick up line that a geek boy has used on you?

Tip: I WILL NOT TRY ON THAT UHURA AND/OR PRINCESS LEIA OUTFIT YOU GOT ON EBAY. EVER. JUST SEND IT BACK. NOW.

Reeree says you're super-retarded

Does that make you a superhero? I LOVE superheros! They're all woosh and kapow and zowie!

Okay so one time, my master asked me to go to Selbina to sit around and sell meat mithkaboberoos cause that whats-her-name who's always there always sells them so it must be a good way to make lots of gils, so I was like okay!

I handed over my chocobo ticket at the stables and got to ride a big chicken halfway across West Ronfaure! Giddy up birdy! Ba-caw! And he was all Kweh Kweh! It was so much fun and then he dropped me in front of a goblin fisherguy and ran kweh kweh kweh kweh all the way home. Bye bye birdio!

I said Hello Mr. Fishergoblinguy! and he goes grrruh and so I'm all stabbity! and he's all, like, urk! I got a fishing rod!

I sang a song all the way across La Theine Plateau, I LOVE singing.
Squirt> Ay not I, O not Ow,
Squirt> Pounding pounding in our brain.
Squirt> Ay not I, O not Ow, Don't say "Rine," say "Rain"...
Squirt> The rain in La Theine stays mainly on the plain!

Lumbering Lambert> Baaaaaaa. Stop singing.
Squirt> Okay, Mr. Mountain.
Lumbering Lambert> You realize I have to kill you anyway.
Squirt shrugs.
Lumbering Lambert> Baaaaaaa. Why are you smiling?
Squirt points at Huangsevensixtytwo.
Squirt waves goodbye to Lumbering Lambert.
Huangsevensixtytwo hits Lumbering Lambert for 6 points of damage.
Squirt> Thanky-wanky, Mr. Gilseller, bye bye!

I didn't wait to see who would win because I had meat to sell and I didn't think either of them wanted to buy any.

I didn't make any more friends in La Theine, I just waved at a few orcs and some grasshopper mushroom guys, and then I was in Valkurm Dooooooooooooms.

Reeree told me I should bring supplies to the nice people at the outpost so that if I ever get to level 10 I could go back here and suffer without having to walk. I don't know what that means, but I figure the outpost people would like presents. I LOVE presents. I was only halfway there when I started to see why Reeree says this place is full of ultimate suffering.

Raykoh> hay guise, grate news. my girl is going to come pl.

I'd never seen a mule that was big and strong enough to power-level people, and Reeree says I should always look out in case I meet someone who might join our cause, so I was like, spy time!

Out comes Starllight with her long black hair and her Hume RSE gear. I thought, she's really pretty, so she must be good! Then she noticed me watching.

Starllight> i pl this party
Squirt> Um, okay nice lady.
Starllight> DON'T HEAL THEM. I'M TEH PL!
Squirt> ...
Squirt> Okay.
Raykoh> Don't heal plz or my girl will leave.
Squirt> ...
Squirt> I'm THF7.
Raykoh> WTF is wrong with you, faggot? GO AWAY!
Squirt> Huh?
Starllight> that's it, I'm leaving. this fag pissed me off
Squirt> Wait!
Starllight> WHAT??!?!?!!11
Squirt> Reeree says your RSE hotpants give you really bad camel-toe.
Squirt> I don't think your shoes look like camels at all, though.
Starllight cast warp.
Raykoh> why you have to be such an asshole?
Squirt> ...
Squirt> I'm just here to sell meat-tarts.
Raykoh> FUCK YOU! STOP HELPING US AND GO AWAY!!!!111
Squirt> This placey-wacey must be what happened to Shantoto.
Raykoh> STFU FAG!

I looked around to see if there was some kind of beasty-man that maybe charmed away his brains. All I saw was a level 75 Black Mage guy with cute blond hair and an anime villain smirk on his face.

Not long after that, another PL showed up. I thought maybe I should try selling something.

Squirt> Hi! Do you like cat?
Catty> ...
Squirt> Oh, sorry, kitty-cat lady.
Squirt> Reeree wants me to ask you something.
Squirt> If I told you not to PL that party, that'd be like, crazy, right?
Catty> a little, yeah.
Squirt> Just checking! You're nice.
Catty> Who would say that?
Squirt points at Raykoh.
Squirt> What if, like, my boyfriend was healing and didn't want you to help him?
Squirt> Still crazy, right?
Catty> Certifiable.

Starllight showed back up wearing wedding gear.

Squirt> Wowies! That's really pretty!
Starllight> my bf got it for me because he worships me
Starllight spanks Raykoh on the ass.
Starllight spanks Raykoh on the ass.
Starllight spanks Raykoh on the ass.
Squirt> How come he didn't buy the +1 then?
Starllight casts warp.

Squirt> I need to go home before I get this crazy on me.
Squirt> Okay, bye!

Fear and Loathing in Valkurm Dunes

There are many mysteries in The Universe, among them why people behave the way they do. Why do people sub blu on thf at level 12? Why do people go to the dunes with level 1 gear and no food, but then claim that 'i iz not a noob!' and look surprised that no one wants to party with them? And why would you go to the dunes with a powerleveler that refuses to accept any help at all in the loathsome process of powerleveling? A powerleveler with no refresh, who takes damage from the xp mobs that people are fighting, and slows down the rate of xp because he/she/it has to rest between every fight because he/she/it is wearing town gear instead of +mp or better yet, mp resting gear?

As I said, there are many mysteries in The Universe and many of them are totally unfathomable. It is not worth the effort of trying to comprehend them all, just avoid them as best you can.

[GM] Lokoi>> Ok, I've dealt with the player who called you and your friend foul names, he won't be bothering you anymore. What was his girlfriend's name again? The so-called 'powerleveler' in Wedding gear with the S&M emotes?

As I was saying, the best way to deal with people of boundless stupidity coupled with bottomless vulgarity and no sense of self preservation is avoidance.

More importantly however, is how to prevent yourself from becoming one of these people. Simply follow these rules and you will be prevented from making a complete jackass of yourself, no matter where you are:

1. Make out with your significant other in Real Life, not in the game. Show your love quietly, by buying each other flowers or Scorpion Harnesses +1. Do not make macros for your stupid emotes for your creepy sexual behavior. NO ONE CARES. Take that shit to the Kobka Hostel, that's what it is for. The Dunes are for a different kind of suffering.
2. Learn to accept help gracefully. A good example of how to do this is simply saying 'Thanks,' 'thnx,' 'YOU ROCK!,' or buy trading a substantial amount of gil. A bad example would be the following: RmpgngJakaz >> STOP CURING MY PARTY OR MY GIRLFRIEND WILL LEAVE YOU ****ING F****T! followed by IDoIt4Cash >> OMG I WAS PL Y U CURE FINE I LEAVE YOU ***H*** F****T JERK! I WAS PL! and other similar tells to someone who is curing a party full of wounded people as he randomly passes by and sees some anonymous person in Hume RSE who is trying to rest for MP but keeps getting smacked in the face by a Goblin Mugger while the party tries desperately not to die. Such behavior just tends to reinforce the fact that you are insane, and should not be listened to for your own good, not to mention the good of the party. People who stop to help deserve thanks, not abuse. And asking someone not to help makes you look very insane. Shouting it with 50% of your words being insults and slurs makes it worse. No one is going to listen to you when you act that way.
3. Final Fantasy XI is an online game, not a Christian S&M Club. People don't pay their monthly fee just so they have a safe place to get bashed and then turn the other cheek. Unless you see someone named 'Jesus' walking around, expect that you might have to deal with people treating you as you deserve when you choose to act like an ass. If you start off with rude comments, then you might get some back. Don't be surprised. Not everyone will blacklist you right away. Sometimes - especially if they have a point to prove - they'll give it back as good as they get, if not better.
4. Lern 2 spel gud. Your l33tsp34k will only go so far against someone who can type in complete sentences with coherency running through their entire tirade. And frankly, GMs tend to listen to coherent intelligent people more than they do crappy text messaging talk.
5. Pick your battles wisely. This actually applies both to xp mobs and offending people. There's a reason you can /check monsters, it's so that you can see if you are likely to win or have your ass handed to you. Similarly, there is a reason you can /check other players, it's so that you can gauge how much time and effort they have put into the game. Most people who have put a lot of time and effort into the game have a lot to show for it. They're a bit proud of their accomplishments, and they sadly, have a tendency to look down on other people who don't quite live up to their standards. Insulting them might be fun, but, in the end, probably unwise. Do you really want your name slapped with the 'drama whore' label whenever you try to join an endgame linkshell? You could just go the route of making your own endgame linkshell to avoid the labeling issue, but then you'll only attract people who a) have never heard of you and have no real endgame experience and b) people who have heard of you and plan to use your stupidity to their advantage before they leave for another world/shell run by retards/WoW. Speaking of which, Nough, we don't miss you. And your last hope for a shell just broke yesterday. Hah hah.
6. Buy decent gear. You don't have to have the best gear, but what you are wearing should not cause convulsive laughter in the people around you. +1 gear is overkill in the Dunes (albeit, useful and fun overkill) but wearing level 1 gear in the Dunes makes you look like a filthy gilseller. Also, fill all the spots you reasonably can. There's no need to spend 100,000 on level 1 earrings but if there are level 10 earrings that you can get and wear for a mere 1,000 gil, BUY THEM. Sell fire crystals. Do repeatable quests for gil. Race your chocobo. ANYTHING. But don't go to the Dunes looking like a reject from Long Wang Ho's Gil Sweatshop. Get some shoes from the NPC armor shop. SOMETHING. You need to able to survive at least one hit, even if you are a taru summoner.
7. Learn your job. It doesn't matter what you know, you're not in the Dunes to KNOW, you're in the Dunes to LEARN. That means working with your party, asking questions (just not too many, and try to keep them relevant, e.g., "When should I use Curaga?" is a good question to ask ("Near the end of a fight or after the fight is over, or in emergencies.") but "Can I have 3,000 gil?" is not ("No, go farm you lazy scumbag."). You don't KNOW this job, you've never played it or you wouldn't be in the Dunes leveling it, now would you? It certainly helps to be a good player overall, but you still don't KNOW the job. Learn it, and don't assume you know it better than someone else. No one cares that you have a level 75 Black Mage when you are leveling Monk. And no one believes you when you brag about your 5 level 75 job character that you had on a different server, so just give it up.
8. Actions speak louder than words. But remember, words are pretty loud, too. Choose your words carefully, and remember, you will always be responsible for the words you say and the actions you take. Especially when they are timestamped and logged.
9. And finally, the most important step to not making a complete jackass out of yourself: Don't be a jackass. It's a game, you're playing it with other people. They have a right to their own opinions, they have different needs and goals than you, and they probably don't live close enough to seriously consider coming over to your house and killing you. But just because you are probably safe from physical retribution doesn't give you a blanket license to be a complete bottom-feeding dipshit to everyone you meet. When you join a party, you are all supposed to be working for a common goal, whether that is XP or items, it doesn't matter - you have to work together to get the job done. Don't make the process any more painful than it has to be. Pull your weight, try to get along with people, and if you have concerns speak up or get out. Don't just be an obstructive jackass to the other people in your party who are actually trying. Maybe you might actually get to have some fun that way.

Chocobo Tails and Cards

Let's get this out of the way first: I'm mildly compulsive, so I really can't stop playing this game. Unless I start playing some game with collectible monsters that is wholly outside my current genre.

Second, this isn't a game for children, not really. Sure, kids can play it. But what kid would get the humor inherent in the line "This one is too buttery?" Or grasp the irony of a Black Mage running up and casting Blizzaga... on a book... inside a volcano about to erupt? I think this game was aimed more at commuters and people stuck in boring offices or classes. Not... that I think students would waste valuable time blowing at a hamster to inflate his balloon so that he can get the cheese and not get eaten by a dragon instead of paying attention to their professors.

I'm rather curious to know if this blog thingy will work.

Anyway... something will happen if you leave the chocobo alone for a while.

About the game... you do the sort of crazed things that chocobos do in their spare time. You know, living a storybook to save the world. Or dodging bombs, blowing hamsters, identifying job classes by their gear, and of course, playing cards under the arcane guidance of Dueler X, or Mog, as everyone else left in the world calls him. Anybody remember the "Teach Me, Mogster" musical number from FFIX? Or for that matter, the masked hero from Lunar: Silver Star Story? I'm going outside my particular idiom with that one though, just ignore the transgression....

Final Fantasy Fables: Chocobo Tales is fun. It's also silly, and will make you question your sanity as you end up losing your adamantoise off a cliff for the fifteenth time trying to get the best score possible (0.35m for me!*). It's one of those games that will have you look up and go "Did I miss my stop?" or "Does that clock say 3 am?" I haven't gotten to the WiFi part (an epic tale in and of itself, why on earth doesn't the DS support WPA? Seriously. Bah, idiom, ignore that!) but I hear there's a best scores board out there. We all know how competitive chocobos are.

I recommend it to all my friends, including all you people who read this. It's a really good way to spend those pesky windows while waiting for some giant adamantoise to pop, as opposed to falling off a cliff (I admit I let the tiny adamantoise die a few times in revenge) or some pesky dragon to finally finish doing his hair and nails and show up in the Aery. Just make sure your party knows to do a to snap you out of your Chocobo heroics.

*Decimal place was in the wrong point, sorry. The idea that 'less' is 'better' never quite sits right with me.

Some Damned Expensive Rocks

So Moogle went gambling, and came home with these two really dark rocks.

"It's ore, kupo! It's really valuable!"

"That's great Moogle, now... WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?"

After some argument, Moogle convinced me to send the rocks to be sold in Jeuno, and that the value of the rocks would convince me to not be angry.

So I sent the rocks to Butcherboy, and he asks, "Do you want me to try having them made into beads first or should I sell them as they are?"

I told him I had no idea what he was talking about.  Who would make rocks into beads, and why would I want beads over rocks?

"Well, you see," Butcherboy explained, "it's not actually a black rock, it's a chunk of dark ore.  Filled with dark elemental energy, extremely valuable, and used to make dark beads for use in elemental staves and jewelry."

o.O

"So I could take the risk and --"

"NO RISK!  YOU WILL NOT RISK MY PRECIOUS PRECIOUS PROFITS!"

Once Butcherboy stopped using horrible workds like "risk" and "possible loss through crafting" we agreed to sell the rocks - I mean ores - as they were.

"How long will it be before I can collect my sweet profits?" I asked.

"Oh, you know goldsmiths," said Butcherboy, "they'll probably be sold by the time I get back to my mog house."

"Hah hah... you are joking right?"

"Nope," said Butcherboy with a grin, "they've sold, I'll run back out and send this gil to you so you can go ... do whatever it is you do with all that gil."

O.o

Who pays this much for rocks?  Seriously?  Why would... who would...

I made a huge pile of my gil and sat on it.  Then I fell asleep and had weird dreams about gil falling from the sky and growing from my flowerpots.  When I woke up, Moogle was gone.  He left a note this time, "GONE GAMBLING, WILL COME BACK WITH MORE ORES OR NOT AT ALL."

Choco!

Reeree says if you are going to raise chocobos then you need to get a fast food business license or it's a complete waste of time and gil. I don't think that's right, though. I don't get what french fries and Pepsi have to do with chocobo raising. Reeree says I should ask Purdue or Foster, but I don't know those people. Reeree says try Colonel Sanders but I couldn't find him or his special thingamawhosie.

I LOVE chocobos!

I don't think the NPCs who take care of them do a very good job, though. For some reason they won't let me keep my chocobo in my Mog House, but they don't ever feed him unless I go over there to watch.

This one time, my chocobo was tired, so I told them to let him rest. I was like, if I was tired, I would take a nap, so why not?

Reeree says they drug them and you can't call them organic after you do that. I don't think that's right, but Reeree's really smart and I don't know how else to explain it.

I don't know what happened, but the next few times I checked on my chocofriend he was still all sleepyheaded and wouldn't wake up for me.

I brought him green things to munch on, but he couldn't eat them while he was sleeping and the silly trainer people couldn't make him wake up.

Squirt>> He looks really skinny-winny.
Hantileon>> That's because he's starving to death.
Squirt>> !
Squirt>> Why aren't you feeding him, Mr. Chocobo trainer?
Hantileon>> He's your bird, and he's asleep.
Squirt>> But, can't you feed him when he wakes up?
Hantileon>> Sure.
Hantileon>> Just come back with food at that time.
Squirt>> Will you call me if he wakes up?
Hantileon>> Of course not! Why would you ask that?

It made me sad that my chocobo was starving to death in his sleep, but Reeree says there's nothing you can do about it besides preheating the oven to 350 degrees, but I'm not sure how that helps.

I went back the next day to see how my chocobo was doing.

Squirt>> Is my chocobo awake yet?
Hantileon>> Good news! Your chocobo is finally awake!
Squirt>> Yay!
Squirt>> Um... where is he?
Hantileon>> Bad news! Your chocobo has run away!
Squirt>> WHAT?
Hantileon>> He was pretty mad at you.
Squirt>> What?? Why?
Hantileon>> Well, for one, you never feed him.
Squirt>> ...
Hantileon>> He's been starving for weeks now.
Squirt>> ...
Squirt>> Why did you let him get out without feeding him?
Hantileon>> What do you mean?
Squirt>> You're here to watch him.
Hantileon>> That's right!
Hantileon>> I watched him run away.
Squirt>> Why didn't you stop him?
Hantileon>> What do you mean?
Squirt>> He's been all sleepy-weepy for weeks, and weak from hunger.
Hantileon>> That's right! You're not a very good chocobo raiser.
Squirt>> So how did a weak, sleepy-headed chocobo get loose when you were here?
Hantileon>> I don't understand your question.
Squirt>> Why are you even here?

The next few times I checked in at the stables, all they could tell me was that my chocobo was off roaming the wild places by himself, and they couldn't figure out how to bring him home.

Squirt>> What about the whistle?
Hantileon>> That doesn't work in town.
Squirt>> But if I go outside and blow this whistle, he'll come to me.
Hantileon>> Yup.
Squirt>> So, would you mind coming outside to bring him back to the stable?
Hantileon>> Can't do that.
Squirt>> So, what are you doing to try and get him back?
Hantileon>> I don't understand your question.
Squirt>> You say he left because he doesn't like me?
Hantileon>> That's right.
Squirt>> But he comes when I call him.
Hantileon>> That's right.
Squirt>> And he won't come back here to the stables.
Hantileon>> That's right.
Squirt>> Where YOU are.
Hantileon>> That's right.
Squirt>> ...
Squirt>> WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY CUTE BIRDIE YOU MEANIE-STUPID HEAD?
Hantileon>> Hey there, no need to shout.
Hantileon>> That's the sort of thing that marks you as not a very good chocobo raiser.

Eventually, he came home, but Reeree says it would be better to have Moogle shoot him in the back of the head with a Power Bow than allow him to continue to suffer his existence. I'm not sure how being shot in the head is a good idea, though so I told Reeree to stop trying to make me cry.

I tried to play games with him, but he wasn't very good at them.

Squirt>> Aren't birdies supposed to be smarter than this one?
Hantileon>> Yes, most all of them are.
Squirt>> He just walked into a wall!
Hantileon>> Looks like your chocobo is injured.
Squirt>> Why does he do things like that?
Hantileon>> Well, you never fed him any smart food.
Hantileon>> So now it's too late, and he's destined to be retarded forever.
Squirt>> ...
Squirt's eyes brim over with tears.
Squirt>> YOU NEVER LET ME FEED HIM ANYTHING!
Squirt>> Tell the chocobo-trainer what you told me.
Chocobo>> Kweh?
Squirt>> No, no, the other thing.
Chocobo>> U RUIND MY LIVE!
Chocobo>> RUIND!!!!!

Oh Nough You Didn't

First of all, you know that people named after words just can't be trusted.  So there's this guy, Nough.  It's pronounced 'no' if you were wondering.  (And I'm sure that you were.)  Please keep in mind that his is a wholly fictional account based on various incidents.  Any resemblence to persons currently sobbing in a corner are totally incidental.

When you party with people, or do bizarre events with them, in fact, any time you are forced to join a party there is a Treasure Pool.  Things will drop into it.  Usually, out of politeness, people will just let items fall where they may.  Sometimes, someone may have a specific need for certain crystals ("Can I lot the water crystals? I'm an alchemist."  "Can I lot the fire crystals? I'm broke as hell.") or perhaps the entire purpose of the event was to kill a monster and get an item.  Usually, ownership of this coveted item is decided beforehand ("Your orb, your loot.") and are generally not at all complicated.  For example, he who trades the orb gets all the loot that drops.  When the next person trades their orb, they are entitled to that loot.  And so forth.  And that brings us back to Nough.

Nough joined in on one of these simple events with me (what can I say? the Big Man can do it alone but you need a minimum number of people to get in or something, I wasn't really paying attention.) and the rule was: The Big Man decides who gets what, since El Jefe was ... unavailable.  There will be no discussion, discussions waste time.  We had a large group of people, some of them were doing this just to get it done, some of them wanted shiny items.  But the rule was stated clearly: The Big Man decides, no one else.

Apparently, what is clear to a simple, goodhearted mule is completely unfathomable to someone who has spent years working on their jobs and adventuring and earning a decent reputation.  Or perhaps the sight of shiny things makes adventurers go crazy.  I've never really been very sure.

You find a Shiny Thing on the Big Wussy Monster.
You find a Neat Pants on the Big Wussy Monster.
You find a Fire Crystal on the Big Wussy Monster.
The Big Man: Okay, Chocolate, you lot that Shiny Thing and lets move on.
Nough: El Jefe said I could have the next Shiny Thing.
Butcherboy: Oh, this will be fun.
The Big Man: What? No he didn't.
Nough: Yes he did!  He totally did!  He said I could have if because I was so nice last time and didn't make a scene!  He said I could have the next one! Just call him if you don't believe me!*

Please note: El Jefe is off doing something where calling him would be ... Bad.  Also, useless.

<El Jefe> Abrázame con la piernas ¿así?... ¡Qué coño! <click>

The Big Man: Ok, the last thing El Jefe said to me before he left was that I was in charge.  And I told you all before we came, that I was in charge and I would decide who gets what.
Nough: ....

Chocolate's lot for the Shiny Thing: 23 points.

Butcherboy: Heh, good thing you don't have to beat anybody with that pathetic lot, Chocolate.

Nough's lot for the Shiny Thing: 938 points.
Nough's lot for the Neat Pants: 201 points.

The Big Man: wtf?
Chocolate:  凸(｀$´メ）
Butcherboy: Did you just try to ninja lot?
PersonX: You can't even wear the pants you idiot!
Butcherboy: And we haven't even all passed yet, you moron.
The Big Man: Pass, right now or else.
Nough: NO! It's not fair, I always get fucked over, I never get the stuff I want, even tho I come to every event! It's mine and I'm lotting for it!** °
Butcherboy: You've been in this shell for a week.  Almost.
Chocolate: I think he came with baggage.
The Big Man: Well, he's not leaving with our stuff.

Nough has left your party.
Nough is no longer a member of your linkshell.

And then Nough got humiliated on national television (or at least the Vana'diel equivalent).

But Chocolate got her Shiny Thing!  And some other person who didn't do anything very interesting (i.e., he didn't contribute to the crazy) got the Neat Pants!  I got a free Fire Crystal!  The Big Man got to crush someone like a bug!  And El Jefe...

<El Jefe> ¿Vienes de una vez, coño? ¡Guau!

*I compressed a spread out period of babbling into one sentence to make the story a) coherent and b) flow better.

**Again, the actual babblings were much more spread out and insane.

°<El Jefe> I said he would get one with us, not that he could have the next one.

Not even trying

When I woke up this morning, I had the strangest compulsion to try my hand at fishing. It's not such a strange thing. You cast a line, you exhaust a living creature to the point where you can lift him into the air by a cheek piercing, then you hand him over to the crazy Tarutaru by the guild and run for the zone so you can do it all again.

There's boredom, pain, death, money, and fame. Only thing missing is fire.

I checked my delivery box to make sure the master hadn't sent me a bunch of imp wings or tiger fangs to sell. I promptly screamed, much to my embarrassment and the amusment of the moogle.

Moogle didn't even warn me.

In my delivery box, like a scene out of Indiana Jones, were piles and piles of insects squirming around and sliming one another. It was like watching a bunch of adventurers in Valkurm Dunes.

Also, there was a fishing pole.

I checked my messages.

Jeine>> Had a feeling you would want to go fishing today, so I sent you a pole and some bait.

That's just spooky.

No, I don't believe Jeine is psychic. Don't be retarded. What's spooky is you can mail live insects to people, unpackaged and unwrapped - you just put them in the mail and they show up in someone else's Mog House.

I wrote her a note of "thanks", took the pole and the bait, and headed off toward the fountain in Windurst Woods.

Appears I wasn't the only one who felt like fishing today. A circle of nine fishermen surrounded the fountain.

I took a spot on the bridge, cast my line into the river, and waited, an eerie feeling creeping over me.

The sound of nine fishing rods being cast simultaneously is surprisingly ominous.

I looked around at my fellow fishermen. All were hume males with face 1a. Their names were unpronounceable mashings of the keyboard. I decided to try to speak to them.

Reeree>> 怎么i 矿为鱼?
Reeree seems lost in thought.
Reeree>> Assalamu alaikum!

Nine fishing poles cast with such perfect synchronization - this could be an Olympic event.

Reeree>> script run ./fish?

Hgghhshhgh caught a Bastore Sardine!
Oddly, all the other eight waited patiently, doing nothing while Hgghhshhgh realed in his sardine.

Reeree>> 09 F9 11 02 9D 74 E3 5B D8 41 56 C5 63 56 88 C0?

It was clear they weren't going to answer me. I no longer held any desire for fishing today. Somehow, it just seemed dirty.

I placed a GM call to ask how they would prefer such obvious instances of botter cheating be reported.

Almost instantly there was red shimmering armor in front of me.
GM[Lokoi]>> Hail Adventurer!
Reeree>> Please don't feed me to a dragon!!
GM[Lokoi]>> Dave doesn't exist. How can I help you today?
Reeree>> See those people fishing over there?

He watched for about 5 seconds.

GM[Lokoi] starts casting Warpga.

Nine hume fishing bots vanished in perfect synchronization - this could be an Olympic event.

GM[Lokoi]>> Nope.
GM[Lokoi]>> Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Reeree>> No, thanks. I'm good.

I think about the cost of purchasing 9 copies of the game, setting up nine characters all on the same server, and having all your accounts banned in one shot. It almost makes me smile.

Man's Inhumanity to Man... well, Gilsellers.

It is a great grief to me to see people justifying cruel and foolish behavior by saying "Well, I'm stealing from gilsellers!"

Mostly because most people think that anyone who has anything to do with gilsellers is probably a gilbuyer.  It's one thing to MPK them, no one minds that.  That's just a natural consequence of their own stupidity.  It works equally well on gilbuyers and gilsellers.

Realplayer: Hey, stop stealing my xp mobs!
Gilseller: Kekekekeke!
Realplayer runs a train past the voke bots.  Gilsellers die.

That's only to be expected.

Here's where the line gets fuzzy:

Suspectedgilbuyer: Hey I'm going up to sky late at night when no one else from the LS is around and I'm gonna steal stuff from gilsellers by saying I'm going to pay them lots of gil and then not trading it!

Or possibly this is just a blind to cover up your gilbuying activities.  Either way, you just admitted to being a thief.  So you're stealing from gilsellers.  That's great!  Now they'll have to make up more gil to cover up that loss - that is, if you really did steal from them.  And you aren't just making up an elaborate story to cover up a massive gilbuying spree.

So you have screenshots of you getting items and being harassed for non-payment.  From people we all know will do ANYTHING for money.  So the occasional gilseller shows up and /shouts about how much they hate you.  It could be real, but it seems to be just part of the Expanded Service Package.

But on the other hand, the gilsellers DO appear everywhere you go now, leading your LS to extreme annoyance.  Which has one benefit: If you call a GM and say:

LSLeader: We are about to do a Kirin but there are gilsellers in the room and they are threatening us.

GM[Lokoi]*: BE RIGHT THERE!!

And now you get a guardian angel to save YOU from cheating gilsellers that YOU cheated out of millions.  Because, well, let's be honest.  Nobody really likes gilsellers.  It's not fair, two wrongs don't make a right, blah blah blah.  But the gilseller hating GM was pretty cool.  So while two wrongs do not make a right, they do cause a GM to take an active (and visible) interest in your activities.

*Names have been changed to protect the ... innocent.  Yes, the poor sweet innocent level 7 [snip] Mage with the Judge's Sword.

«Save» the «/cheer» «leader»

«Save» the «world».

Ever since I noticed the mule Peterpetrelli in Jeuno, I've known.

My ability to read the future in crystals is a super power, just like those people have on TV.

And the world is going to end on November 8th.

Now, Peter is supposed to be in New York, so I'm not sure why he's in Jeuno, which everyone knows is equivalent to the Chicago O'Hare airport.

He'd be much closer if he were in the industrial wastelands of Bastok, which clearly equates to New Jersey.

In any case, I must consult the crystals to find out what path we must take.

Wind crystals show change, and tell of a time when Windurst will control the Gustaberg region.

Fire crystals show Giddeus burning. Well, at least no one will have to bring the Yagudo any more food. Curse them anyway.

I must meditate to learn more. If you see Peterpetrelli, remind him of his mission:

«Save» the «/cheer» «leader»

«Save» the «world».