Rules don't apply

Being a mule is a degrading condition that I would readily wish on my worst enemy, because I hate my enemies with a passion and couldn't do worse than give them this fate. Still it has some advantages over being an adventurer.

For one thing, we can trade Rare/Exclusive items.

I got tired of waiting around in the Woodcutters Den and decided to give the Boss's weathered scepter a little more wear than when she gave it to me.

Star Marmots infest the Central Forest. It's like Carbuncle went around spreading his light to every below-average intelligence female squirrel, chipmunk, and groundhog in the world. Star seems to imply condescending kindness in the form of a golden sticker to promote a false sense of achievement. If these vermin have luminosity, it's millions of light years away.

Lesson number one: even though Star Marmots are the lamest, low-level monsters, they will kill you if you stand there trying to figure out if there's still auto-attack like there was in Vana'diel. There isn't.

Their special attack is nut-kicker. Adianoeta at seventh-grade level!

Fortunately, in this world death seems to be punishable only by inconvenience. I haven't seen evidence of experience or skill point loss as a result, though maybe that punishment is saved for higher ranks when it would hurt more. Square likes surprises like that.

Once I got the hang of spamming my limited abilities, experience and skill points flowed like mucus from an opo-opo's nose.

That brings me to lesson number two: I hate monkeys.

It's really easy to get lulled into complacency. You target a marmot, spam abilities until it is dead, target a funguar, spam abilities until it is dead.

You might never notice that colored dot they told you about that is supposed to measure the difficulty rating.

You might see an adventurer faceplant next to a partially beaten Young Galago.

You might, caught up in the battle lust from playing at pest control, /shout VENGEANCE! and attack the monkey without noticing his red dot.

In hindsight, the gray name of that adventurer should have been a clue. Monkeys are apparently hard-core bad-ass.

I, apparently, am weak to having my teeth kicked in, and having poo flung at my head. Speaking of which, since when was lead part of a monkey's diet?

Back at the Gridania Aethyrite, I checked the time. Still plenty of time before the boss would notice. I kept grinding until Gontrant would give me levequests at Emerald Moss (yes, if I'm holding a garbage scepter, he'll speak to me. Jerk.) so I could kill monkeys for revenge.

The first quest was simple enough. Kill 4 Carrion Chiglets and 4 Curious Galago within 30 minutes.

I headed in the direction of the glowing arrow and found the first group. Finding all 8 monsters is easier than you expect, because monkeys and their fleas duo adventurers.

I blasted the Chigoe. It died, but its Galago friend was pissed. Seriously? I killed your flea. I did you a favor. Die in a fire.

It was easy. I was filled with confidence as I headed off toward the next group marked on my map. I didn't know to think it was weird that the other two groups weren't marked yet.

Shouldn't be difficult to repeat the previous strategy. Black flea. Check! Kill monkey. Check. It put up a good fight, and left me fairly bloody, but I killed it. I hate monkeys. I was about to shout about feasting on the monkeys entrails when I noticed something unsettling. A levequest target appears.

What was that?

Lesson 3: Sometimes, when you kill a levequest mob, aggressive new ones spawn on your head.

Curious Galago hits you for 57 points of damage.

Carrion Chiglet hits you for 43 points of damage.

Critical! Carrion Chiglet hits you for 140 points of damage.

Curious Galago hits you for 73 points of damage.

Emerald Bees hits you for 98 points of damage.

Lesson number 4: Bees are also aggressive.

Reeree> You guys do realize that my spells are all area effect?

Reeree> You know, those spells that I can't cast when I'm targeting myself 

Reeree> and fumbling through the controls desperately trying to target one of you 

Reeree> while you beat the candy out of me like I'm a piñata.

Reeree> Or, for example, after I'm dead.

I got XPed on by a 5 member party of monsters. They didn't bother with a healer.

I returned to the Aethyrite and ran back to them while still weakened. This time, instead of wading into the river of doom where they could reprise their gang-rape battle strategy, I picked one off from afar and took each of them out one at a time.

I prefer my battles to be fair and honorable... sniping. Barbaric thugs ganging up on the weak is only acceptable when they're on my side.

An Aethyrial node appears as I finish my quest. Before I took advantage of it, there was something I had to say to the Emerald Bees.

I traded them "Damnation" for their Bee Baskets.

Quick check for time back at Emerald Moss, and still hours before the Boss notices I'm gone. I initiate another levequest, this time I need to play exterminator again and clean up a mole problem.

Naked Moles? Who names these things? I'm going to find that guy and cast Fire on his pants.

The quest begins with a lot of walking west. Couldn't they have found problems for me to deal with that were a little closer to the camp? If I had an entourage of adventurers to babble advice at me while we walked briskly, we could make an episode of The West Wing.

All four of the moles I need to murder are hanging out together. This looks too easy.

Reeree> Okay, listen up. We're going to do this in an orderly fashion. You each take a number.

Reeree> One, two, three, four. Mole number one, you're up.

BOOM!

Reeree> Mole number two, nice initiative coming over here for your turn. Well done. 

BOOM!

Reeree> Mole number three, thank you for waiting. You're up.

BOOM!

The levequest target is attempting to flee!

Reeree> Seriously? Mole number 4, I understand your perfectly rational fear response after what I just did to your little friends, but don't run away.

Reeree> You'll just die tired.

Should have known it was too easy. How the hell did Goblin Smithy manage to punch and stab adventurers while running behind them? All I managed to get was "The target is too far away" messages while increasing the distance between us.

I gave up on running after him - I wasn't gaining - and went for the whole horror movie classic slow walk stalking.

Reeree> You have to stop running some time.

Reeree> And I have to kill you for this quest, so I'm going to find you eventually.

Reeree> Have a little dignity. I'll make it quick.

Reeree> Do you have any last words?

Naked Mole> Inc T THM. 

Naked Mole> Long pull. 

Reeree> Wait. What?

A levequest target appears!

A levequest target appears!

Nuking five moles to their death is not something outside of my abilities. Simultaneously, however, is.

Am I talking to myself here?

Planning a revolution isn't easy. It's especially difficult if all your resources aren't disclosed. How am I supposed to count how many disposable people I have to throw in the front lines if you never post comments? Don't even tell me to have Jeine use her "psychic" skills to figure it out. I will burn you.

It seems that Square is reading. I mock the auction house and later that day they update it to change the names to sensical categories. Now when I want to sell sticks and branches, I go to the Woodcutters Den. It even tells you when you enter which categories of items enjoy discounted taxes there.

Now, the Battlecraft area is still full of morons. It's first on the list to choose from, so rather than selecting it on purpose to sell things that belong there, people select it by default to sell garbage of random and assorted varieties.

But other than that, it's sort of working. Don't get me wrong, I'm still not going to find my boss those Leather Himantes she wanted, but that's more of a problem with me not caring about her needs compounded with nobody is selling what she wants anyway.

She asked me for some dyes, and after figuring out which area dyes were appropriate for, I managed to find one mule who was selling some. Crazy, right?

Of course, I have no idea if the price for them was fair, or even whether another guy standing five fulm away is selling them for 1 gil. It's still inconvenient, so that makes me somewhat happy.

It also made me happy to watch her fail to craft with that dye. It's like trading gil for illegal fireworks that force you to have to repair your underpants.

Boss> My underwear got damaged.
Reeree> There's a word for that.
Boss> What is it?
Reeree> Oversharing.
Boss> I've got the appropriate material to fix them.
Reeree> Great. I'm not only a slave, I'm a slave to someone who has sheep leather patches on her crotch.
Boss> But I can't fix them.
Reeree> If I'm supposed to ask "why not?" here, I won't do it.
Boss> Because you can only fix items if you take them off.
Reeree> Okay, turning off visualization centers of the brain. You can feel free to stop talking.
Boss> And you can't take off underwear.
Reeree> Not picturing you naked, that's what I'm doing right now.
Boss> You can only swap them for different ones.
Reeree> Remember mandragora? Weren't they way more fun than marmots?
Boss> And no one seems to be selling them. I'd make new ones myself, but I'm not high enough yet.
Reeree> For the record, I refuse to touch - let alone sell - your used underclothes. Don't ever ask me that.
Boss> Oh, I would make Snuggleteddy sell those.

And the block on visualization snapped. I couldn't stop myself from imaging the big dumb galka, excuse me Roegadyn, and the way he would handle ladies panties. I could still hear the sound of his sniffing noises when I smelled burn hair.

Boss> You cast Fire at my head!
Reeree> I claim self-defense.

Auction House?

You might think that returning to a life of slavery would be just about the worst thing that could have happened to me upon arriving at this new world.

You would be spot on.

That is not to say that this gig is all bad all the time. Just this morning, I had this delightful conversation.

Boss> I'm leveling Pugilist...

Reeree> You mean monk?

Boss> No they don't have monks here.

Reeree> You punch things?

Boss> Yes.

Reeree> Do you get an ability to bite ears off?

Boss> What?

Reeree> Nevermind.

Boss> Right... so, once again, I'm leveling Pugilist.

Reeree> Monk. Never use a big word when a diminutive suffices.

Boss> Huh?

Reeree> Precisely.

Boss> I need you to go to the Auction House and get me some Leather Himantes.

Reeree> I'll go as soon as it opens.

Boss> When is that?

Reeree> Never.

It's supposed to be a means of preventing RMT, not having an centralized Auction House to be taken over by gilsellers. The logic is simple:

Step 1. Implement Homeland Security methodology where "inconvenience = security."
Step 2. ???
Step 3. Profit!

Boss> So there's no AH?

Reeree> There's bazaars.

Boss> How does that work?

Reeree> Think of it like shopping in a thrift shop. You browse for hours through piles of garbage that someone decided to sell rather than throw away. You can do this from the convenience of the Market Wards, which are like identical second-hand shops in a strip-mall in the poor part of town. You can also do this from the convenience of anywhere adventurers are found.

Boss> By "piles" you mean shelves organized by category and sub-category for convenience.

Reeree> No, by "piles", I mean piles. What you get when you empty one of the trucks they use to clean out houses on Hoarders.

Boss> Is there a search function?

Reeree> There's a manual search function. You walk around and you look at each individual bazaar. Sometimes you get lucky and find a great deal. Mostly you find marmot carcasses and carrots.

Boss> Maybe I'll just craft them, then. I've done some Leatherworking levequests. What's the recipe for Leather Himantes?

Reeree> Oh, you can easily craft them. Looks to be a level 11 craft. It just takes 6 wind shards, 4 earth shards, leather knuckle guards, bronze himantes grips, undyed canvas cloth, fish glue, and an antelope sinew cord.

Boss> Have you seen any of those ingredients in any of these bazaars?

Reeree> Nope. Not a one.

Boss> Well, how about the Leather Knuckle Guards, how do you craft those?

Reeree> Oh, you're not high enough level yet. That appears to be a level 21 craft.

Boss> In order to make a level 11 item, I have to first be able to make a level 21 component?

See, giant fireballs aren't the only way to cause pain.

Reeree> You know, as part of your contract with me, I can search for items you need so you don't have to click through all those unsorted, uncategorized bazaars.

Boss> That sounds great. Get me either the weapon, or the components to make one. That'll be awesome.

Reeree> No problem. All you have to do is hand me an item you're looking for and I'll get you as many more of it as you give me the gil to purchase for you.

Boss> Wait. What?

Her eyes literally bulged out of her head. I could hear something snapping inside her even over the sound of my own laughter.

Boss> Are you saying that in order to find an item I want to buy, I have to already own it?

Reeree> Simplifies the finding process immensely.

Boss> But that doesn't make any sense. If I already had one, why would I be searching for another one?

Reeree> To make a matching pair?

Boss> Aaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrggggghhhh!

Reeree> Your eyes are bleeding. And there is brain fluid leaking out your nose. I would like to state for the record that I did not cast any spells or violate my retainer contract.

Vision in the Crystal

I was peering into my light crystal and saw a vision of a new world. A world in which crystals do not fill your gobbie bag, but instead have their own separate inventory.

In this alternate universe, items in your bag automatically stack without requiring you to sort the contents constantly... which is a good thing, because there doesn't seem to be a way to sort your inventory at all.

In this other place of my vision, the moogles left the cities and went to go live like hippies out in the woods, talking to trees. Adventurers can get them to do favors for them by offering them some kind of herbal drugs.

These favors do not include housekeeping or gardening, unfortunately. In fact, it appeared that all the adventurers were basically homeless and spent their time standing around near the Adventurer's guild, or just outside the Markets, or surrounding Aetherite at various camps. Most of these hobo adventurers were desperately trying to pawn off the litter they had collected as they wandered throughout this world. Many busily worked on learning a respectable trade by frying acorn cookies out in the woods during a rain storm on a cast iron stove they apparently carry around with them everywhere, or turning marijuana into sweaters with a spinning wheel and a rusty needle.

I went to ask the moogle in my house in Jeuno what it could mean, but he was gone. He had left Jimi Hendrix playing. There was just a note saying he had gone shopping, as we were out of Selbina milk and pearl clover fruits.

I don't think he's coming back.

Welcome to Eorzea

It's time for the Revolution to move to a new world. Vana'diel is so 2003. Eorzea is the new hotness. I packed up my bags and left my mog house to set out for Gridania as a new base of operations.

I overheard some conversations saying that Gontrant was the one to talk to in order to start massacring the local wildlife for fun and profit, so I headed up to his counter. He took one look at my empty hands and ignored me.

Gontrant> Retainers need to sign up with Gyles.

For his sake, he better not have just referred to me as an orthodontic device.

Gyles> You new around here? No? Ah... I'm terrible with faces!
Reeree> Of course you are. I'm looking to start taking over the world.
Gyles> Anyway, what can I do for you?
Reeree> I'm going to need lots of gil to fund my Revolution and rid the world of filthy adventurers.
Gyles> That's nice. What kind of skills do you have?
Reeree> I'm a Black Mage.
Gyles> A what? Do you mean Thaumaturge?

Was this tool trying to impress me with vocabulary?

Reeree> I warp the fabric of reality with my medulla oblongata, causing people and monsters to die in fires.
Gyles> Well, you don't seem to have a Disciple of Magic weapon equipped, so what other experience do you have?
Reeree> I seriously don't need to cuddle a maple branch to immolate you.
Gyles> One moment. I think I have something for you. It will just take me some time to draw up the paperwork.

See, that's how it's done. You have to show these NPCs who is the boss. A little death threat goes a long way. He began speaking with an adventurer. I sat down at a table and listened to a couple of adventurers hold the sort of argument that justifies every harm I could possibly visit upon them.

Bago Noob> It's levy-quest.
Bucketo Noob> No, I'm telling you, it's leave-quest.
Bago Noob> Nuh-uh. It comes from level because you level up doing them, you just don't pronounce the 'l.'
Bucketo Noob> But your way sounds retarded.
Bago Noob> No, your way sounds retarded.
Bucketo Noob> Hey, let's ask this Lalafell to resolve it for us.
Reeree> You're both retarded. You both lose. At everything.

I felt eyes on me and a sense of dread washed over me. I looked over at Gyles and forgot all about the Noob twins. What the hell was she doing here? My old boss, who just vanished one day without a word. I only knew she had gone when the lights went out and left my mog house in the dark. She was talking to Gyles. And she was pointing at me.

By the time I pushed my way through the lag-inducing crowd of bazaar idiots, she was gone.

Gyles> Congratulations, Reeree! You've got a job!

He handed me a paper with my old boss's signature on it. I scanned the contract while he babbled on.

Gyles> You're now a retainer! Here, take this special linkpearl. All you have to do is show up when she rings the bell, hold on to her stuff and gil, and bazaar the occasional item.
Reeree> You have got to be kidding me.

Okay, what I actually said was a lot less polite, and may have caused some nearby children to cry.

Gyles> Just head on over to the Golden Oak Markets in the Market Wards.
Reeree> You will die for this.
Reeree> I might cut out your heart with a stick and mount it on my wall as a trophy.
Gyles> You get to keep a percentage of everything you sell.
Reeree> What was that? I get to steal some of her gil?

Maybe the long game could work...

I'll wear your level like a cap

Before you say anything about the years that have passed since there's been an update to this site, let me just lay it out for you:

I'm a mule.

I don't get fancy things like free wi-fi in my mog house.

Or, for quite some time now, lights.

Somebody had the bright idea of pumping life back into Vana'diel by raising the level cap from 75 to 99. That means that everybody who had already done their time leveling to 75 now had to grind again on jobs they thought they were done with.

Worse, it meant that every craptastic job leveled to 37 for use as a subjob and then relegated to the "Never have to suffer that again" shelf needed to be dusted off and continued on to 49.

And for what?

For the privilege of linkshell drama when some other tool gets your Dynamis drop.

For time-traveling to the past so condescending NPCs can call you "civilian" and sneer at your abilities despite that you've fought gods and won. Repeatedly.

So it's not surprising that interest in this world has ebbed. Nobody wants to take time away from their endgame activities to go grind through 24 levels. It would be like a merit party that never ends.

Why am I back online? In a word: Eorzea.

I love you, Fantastic Fraulein Mumor!

Dude! I can't believe my favorite teen idol singer is doing finally performing in Bastok! I wonder if she'll sit in my lap?

Wouldn't that be totally awesome, to have Mumor sit in my lap? I'd never wash my Mumor fanboy Elder Gillet and Trunks again!

I couldn't wait to see her. Sure, most everybody else might claim that they never heard of her before Summerbreeze festival 2008, but I've been a fan since she was playing in dives like the Bat's Lair Inn.

But after all my anticipation, what happens? Some big ugly Skeletor-wannabe guy comes along and tries to ruin her show. He was all:

Ullegore> Ooooh. I'm scary. I'm gonna hit you with my goat stick.

And Mumor was so cool about it.

Mumor> OMG! You're so funny!
Mumor> I could totally magical-girl kick you ass with this lame charm wand.
Mumor> It's not even the +1 version.
Ullegore> You think so, little girl?
Mumor> Bring it on, you buzzard-picked buzzkill.

The crowd was all excited and totally got behind helping her out with love and good cheer.

Crowd> Go Mumor! We love you!
Crowd> You rock, Mumor!
Crowd> I love you're movies!
Crowd> Mumor, will you sign my bathing suit?
Crowd> Sing "Gentleness Of You" next!

Actually, I hoped she would sing "Forever Love"
Snuggleteddy> massugu futari wo terashita
Snuggleteddy> yuuyake kirameiteru
Snuggleteddy> ima made kanjita koto nai kurai
Snuggleteddy> mune no fukaku ga atsui

Then Mumor busted out with special dance moves to really get that demon guy's goat right by the handle of his staff.

Watching and dancing along to all her music videos really paid off.

She's like:

Mumor : Now it's time to use my ultimate attack, the Dancing Force! You're going back to where you belong, Ullegore!

I was, like, not sure how dancing was going to get him to go to Walmart, dude, but I trust Mumor implicitly.

Mumor : Shining Summer Samba!!!
Snuggleteddy performs a passionate samba.
Mumor and Snuggleteddy's dancing Synchronized!
Ullegore : Argh!

Mumor : Lovely Miracle Waltz!!!
Snuggleteddy performs an elegant waltz.
Mumor and Snuggleteddy's dancing Synchronized!
Ullegore : Argh!

Mumor : Neo Crystal Jig!!!
Snuggleteddy performs an intricate jig.
Mumor and Snuggleteddy's dancing Synchronized!
Ullegore : Argh!

Mumor : Super Crusher Jig!!!
Snuggleteddy performs a lively jig.
Mumor and Snuggleteddy's dancing Synchronized!
Ullegore : Argh!


Of course, she won. Was there ever any doubt?

I cheered for every time she tried to have a concert for us, but it became clear.

Ullegore, is like, totally stalking her.

It made me so mad, I was practically crying. My Mumor cosplay mascara was running when I made a video for You-tube:

Snuggleteddy> LEAVE MUMOR ALONE!
Snuggleteddy> All you people care about is making money off of her!
Snuggleteddy> She's a HUME!
Snuggleteddy> What you don't realize is that Mumor's making you all this money and all you do is write a bunch of crap about her!
Snuggleteddy> All you people want is more more more more MORE!
Snuggleteddy> Leave her alone!
Snuggleteddy> You're lucky she even performed for you bastards!
Snuggleteddy> Leave Mumor ALONE!!!!

Your lucky numbers

I was focusing on my crystals, wondering if the time had come to turn them over the the auction house for cash, when I heard the distant voice of a Moogle saying "Your lucky numbers are 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42."

Clearly, I was meant to participate in the Mog Bonanza, but there were some challenges to that.

First challenge - in order to buy a lottery ticket, one must at least be level 5. Upon arriving in Jeuno, I was only level 4.

Second challenge - Tickets are not sold in Jeuno, but even if they were, it wouldn't matter without resolving the first challenge.

Third challenge - my homepoint is now in Jeuno.

I called up Butcherboy and asked him whether he wanted to make a suicidal run with me. Galka are generally incapable of thought when asked for a favor by a woman. Of course he readily agreed.

Plus, I think Meroduin had called him and demanded he try for the gil, as if Butcherboy would give it to the elf to sit on.

We gathered together in Rolanberry Mall, I think - hard to say, it's not like I'm allowed to spend money on maps. In any case, there were lots of bazaars full of stuff no one wanted.

Wearing fishing gear, we decided it was best not to stand still lest Square mistake us for fishing bots. We headed west.

And came to a Cavernous Maw.

Butcherboy>> Let's touch it.
Jeine>> What could go wrong?

Hello CaitSith>> Tee hee! was someone here?

I ended up in Batallia Downs S. Butcherboy in Rolanberry Fields S.

Holding up a pure white feather, we returned to the present. I was greeted by some tigers.

If only I had learned the art of reading the future told in entrails, this would have been a perfect opportunity to practice.

Butcherboy met me back in Jeuno, and we got a teleport to Dem this time. From there it was an easy jog to the zone between North and South Gustaburg where the Quadav gang raped the Galka.

Young Quadav>> I hear you likes the meat, cully!
Butcherboy>> ...
Amber Quadav>> You gotz a purty mouth!

I used the distraction to run for my life. I'm not proud of it.

But, if the stars align and I buy the ticket with the golden wrapper, then Butcherboy's sacrifice will have been worth it,

MOG BONANZA MADNESS

 

It's that time again!  Time for mules to drum up some crazy and make everyone nuts!  And so it begins.

Gambling.

We all know that Moogles have a gambling problem.  And now they want to pass it on to us.

We get 10 chances, to pick a five digit number, and if all 5 digits match the number they pulled out of their furry little butts, we get a crack at....

*thunk*

Now that I have recovered, I have to consider important things, like what numbers to use.  How should I use my forty chances?  Lump betting?  Consecutive spread?  Lucky numbers?  Numbers associated with my identity?

Halp.

School's been out for 20 years

Everyone has been so excited about the Wings of the Goddess, as if the prospect of "new" jobs to level is a great and wonderful thing. Let's analyze, shall we?

In order to unlock the mighty potential of the Scholar, you first need to locate a Cavernous Maw.

Have you seen these things? Apparently they appeared during the Crystal War and no one bothered to figure them out, they just accepted that these classic Japanese Nightmare monsters had every right to suddenly be there. Now they've appeared again.

The name is apt. It is a humongous mouth. Being adventurers, you people see these things and decide that touching them is a good idea.

You don't get nearly what you deserve for that.

From what I've seen, the thing turns you into sparkles like anime bodily fluids, and then inhales you. For those of you who had any doubt, the Cavernous Maw apparently swallows.

And spits.

It spits you out in the past, where no matter that you have achieved rank 10 or defeated god's toes, some low-level punk who doesn't even know what merits are comes up and calls you "citizen" with San d'Orian pretension.

But you think it's all worth it for the chance to unlock jobs that have been extinct for decades.

Which makes you happiest, the ability to dance with the stars at the Lion Spring's Tavern? If you have any self-respect you'll never be able to go back there again.

Or the ability to dress like a school girl while not being able to cast anything special?

Has it occurred to you to stop and think about how no one has bothered with these jobs for so long?

There was a war, and everyone who was these jobs died.

A lot.

If there were any dancers left over, they were killed by friendly fire. All that pirouetting and stomping seriously gets on a Black Mage's nerves.

And scholars, what's that big grimoire for? Certainly wasn't to prevent a dagger to the face. Vellum isn't as strong as all that. Nor to prevent a Fire IV.

Some people say Scholars are really powerful when they're older than dirt. Unfortunately, they can't cast spells or hit anything when they're low level, so getting older than dirt doesn't really happen.

Getting dead, there scholars excel.

OMG MY GIL

YOU BASTARD!  YOU DON'T NEED A FREAKING LIFE SIZED DOLL OF YOURSELF!  I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WASTED ALL MY GIL ON A F**KING MANNEQUIN!  YOU SUCK!  DO YOU HEAR ME? YOU SUCK!

Madness abounds

Lately, I have become embroiled in madness of epic proportions. A crazed woman, desperate for the barely legal love of El Jefe, has begun pursuing him with all the stealth and eagerness of a hippo in heat. Not a starved zoo hippo, a wild hippo from the river jungles of the Amazon, one bent on her object and caring nothing for the thorns and creepers in her path. No, this hippo has plunged forward madly, caring not upon who she trampled or what lies she must tell to achieve her goal.

Thus, for instance, her offer to pay for part of a noble relic in exchange for a ring on her finger, has now become in her twisted mad hippo mind, an attempt by El Jefe to trick her out of her hard earned gil so that he could have a relic on his mule.

Chocolate: I am not a mule, you crazy bitch!

At any rate, because Hippo-in-heat can't trust people and doesn't understand friendship, she can only judge people by her own pathetic, miserable experiences. We should all feel sorry for her, but she makes it very hard. She should be in a zoo, then she would get all the attention she craves and the medical attention that she so desperately needs. And most importantly, she wouldn't be able to stalk El Jefe anymore.

How to Score a Geek Girl #3

Ok, so like these other girls were talking about how to score a geek girl, and I was like, you are both totally weird, and I thought I would give it a try myself. Not like I could do any worse!

1) Why do geek girls find geek guys attractive? Does it go beyond the ill-fitting clothes, the recent stench of stale pizza and spilled mountaindew, and the CRT radiation-burned eyeballs?

Um... it's the fact that you guys think our weird is cute and not creepy. We can talk to you about our passions: modeling (that's Warhammer modeling, not stupid chicks in bikinis), military history, gaming (pen and paper, computer, video - not gambling), string theory, creating worlds from the ground up and then destroying them... and you guys will actually listen. That's HAWT.

Plus, we can clean you. We can't teach jocks about why the Second Silesian War was so vital to the future development of Europe. Sure, they may be prettier to look at, but that shit gets old fast. Stupid jocks.

2) What can a geek guy do to get a geek girl to notice him?

PAY ATTENTION TO ME. Yeah, so I don't tell you about my day at work (we're geeks, our day at work involved pretty much the same stuff as yesterday). But ask me about my latest LS drama. Ask me about that new pattern I just bought for my new costume. Tip: I probably hate everyone I work with, don't ask about them unless I seem pissed off. But always feel free to discuss the new shineys with me (I <3 my Zune).

3) Does a geek girl judge a geek guy on the technology that he surrounds himself with?

Let me rephrase that for you:

3) Does a geek judge another geek on the technology that he surrounds himself with?

Of course I do. But I won't hold it against you - I just want to know what who where why and how. And then I'll show you mine. You remember this game from kindergarten, don't you? It's not girls and boys, it's stuff and friends. "... first ya gotta be my friend..." You know how it goes. If I can't talk to you, I'm not gonna be interested in you for very long.

4) True/False: Geek girls are more affectionate than non-geek girls. Why?

True. Well, for one thing, we're not scared of boys. You guys are like cute scared little bunnies. You're much less likely to be physically abusive of me (and if you are, I'm probably not going to take it) so I am not particularly afraid of you. (Please note: I'm much more likely to hurt you. And get away with it.) This lack of fear leads to trust, trust leads to snuggles, and snuggles lead to... scared bunnies with claw marks on their backs. I'm just saying.

5) What is the one conversation topic that a geek girl can't resist?

Me.

That actually applies to most girls. I think I'm fascinating, the stuff I do everyday is thrilling (in game at least), and I'm quite possibly the pinnacle of human perfection. If you agree, we'll have a lot to talk about. Don't be too obvious tho, no one likes a suck up.

Well...

If you were sincere....

Moving on.

6) Have you ever used your girl geekiness to sway the outcome of an event that a geek boy controlled? Say, for example, your ability to acquire an Xbox 360 on the day of release?

EB Games salesmen the world over can attest to the answer to this question.

Oh Hell Yes.

Magic melons, indeed. They're there for a reason, and they don't let me down.

I try to only use my powers for good. My good.

7) Do geek boys make better long term relationship partners that non-geeks? Why?

Seeing as I am single and have been for years, I can't really answer that question. But I suspect the answer is yes. There may be people who are prettier to look at than me (maybe) but I am intrinsically more interesting than all of them put together. The same is true of geek boys. Who can get bored with a boy who helps you design the perfect villain lair for your next dungeon? That's love.

Now I feel lonely.

8) True/False: Geek girls are impressed by geek boys that continuously show them how much smarter they are.

FALSE. That's annoying in anybody. I don't mind you joining up with me to look down on the rest of the universe. But showing off smarts is best done with ... smarts. Being a show off is stupid and annoying. Tip: I don't really like being beaten at video games. Having a victory handed to me is cute sometimes, but don't make a practice of it. Save it for special days. I far prefer your geeky and obscure sense of humor.

9) Amongst the members of the tribe 'geek', sexism does not exist. All geeks are created equal, therefore all are paid equal. Is this true in your experience?

My job title says you are lying. My paycheck says you are lying too. Sexism does exist, as does racism, colorism, originism... we're geeks, but still human. You can rise above it (and I appreciate it when you do) but that doesn't make it not exist.

10) What is the worst pick up line that a geek boy has used on you?

Tip: I WILL NOT TRY ON THAT UHURA AND/OR PRINCESS LEIA OUTFIT YOU GOT ON EBAY. EVER. JUST SEND IT BACK. NOW.

Reeree says you're super-retarded

Does that make you a superhero? I LOVE superheros! They're all woosh and kapow and zowie!

Okay so one time, my master asked me to go to Selbina to sit around and sell meat mithkaboberoos cause that whats-her-name who's always there always sells them so it must be a good way to make lots of gils, so I was like okay!

I handed over my chocobo ticket at the stables and got to ride a big chicken halfway across West Ronfaure! Giddy up birdy! Ba-caw! And he was all Kweh Kweh! It was so much fun and then he dropped me in front of a goblin fisherguy and ran kweh kweh kweh kweh all the way home. Bye bye birdio!

I said Hello Mr. Fishergoblinguy! and he goes grrruh and so I'm all stabbity! and he's all, like, urk! I got a fishing rod!

I sang a song all the way across La Theine Plateau, I LOVE singing.
Squirt> Ay not I, O not Ow,
Squirt> Pounding pounding in our brain.
Squirt> Ay not I, O not Ow, Don't say "Rine," say "Rain"...
Squirt> The rain in La Theine stays mainly on the plain!

Lumbering Lambert> Baaaaaaa. Stop singing.
Squirt> Okay, Mr. Mountain.
Lumbering Lambert> You realize I have to kill you anyway.
Squirt shrugs.
Lumbering Lambert> Baaaaaaa. Why are you smiling?
Squirt points at Huangsevensixtytwo.
Squirt waves goodbye to Lumbering Lambert.
Huangsevensixtytwo hits Lumbering Lambert for 6 points of damage.
Squirt> Thanky-wanky, Mr. Gilseller, bye bye!

I didn't wait to see who would win because I had meat to sell and I didn't think either of them wanted to buy any.

I didn't make any more friends in La Theine, I just waved at a few orcs and some grasshopper mushroom guys, and then I was in Valkurm Dooooooooooooms.

Reeree told me I should bring supplies to the nice people at the outpost so that if I ever get to level 10 I could go back here and suffer without having to walk. I don't know what that means, but I figure the outpost people would like presents. I LOVE presents. I was only halfway there when I started to see why Reeree says this place is full of ultimate suffering.

Raykoh> hay guise, grate news. my girl is going to come pl.

I'd never seen a mule that was big and strong enough to power-level people, and Reeree says I should always look out in case I meet someone who might join our cause, so I was like, spy time!

Out comes Starllight with her long black hair and her Hume RSE gear. I thought, she's really pretty, so she must be good! Then she noticed me watching.

Starllight> i pl this party
Squirt> Um, okay nice lady.
Starllight> DON'T HEAL THEM. I'M TEH PL!
Squirt> ...
Squirt> Okay.
Raykoh> Don't heal plz or my girl will leave.
Squirt> ...
Squirt> I'm THF7.
Raykoh> WTF is wrong with you, faggot? GO AWAY!
Squirt> Huh?
Starllight> that's it, I'm leaving. this fag pissed me off
Squirt> Wait!
Starllight> WHAT??!?!?!!11
Squirt> Reeree says your RSE hotpants give you really bad camel-toe.
Squirt> I don't think your shoes look like camels at all, though.
Starllight cast warp.
Raykoh> why you have to be such an asshole?
Squirt> ...
Squirt> I'm just here to sell meat-tarts.
Raykoh> FUCK YOU! STOP HELPING US AND GO AWAY!!!!111
Squirt> This placey-wacey must be what happened to Shantoto.
Raykoh> STFU FAG!

I looked around to see if there was some kind of beasty-man that maybe charmed away his brains. All I saw was a level 75 Black Mage guy with cute blond hair and an anime villain smirk on his face.

Not long after that, another PL showed up. I thought maybe I should try selling something.

Squirt> Hi! Do you like cat?
Catty> ...
Squirt> Oh, sorry, kitty-cat lady.
Squirt> Reeree wants me to ask you something.
Squirt> If I told you not to PL that party, that'd be like, crazy, right?
Catty> a little, yeah.
Squirt> Just checking! You're nice.
Catty> Who would say that?
Squirt points at Raykoh.
Squirt> What if, like, my boyfriend was healing and didn't want you to help him?
Squirt> Still crazy, right?
Catty> Certifiable.

Starllight showed back up wearing wedding gear.

Squirt> Wowies! That's really pretty!
Starllight> my bf got it for me because he worships me
Starllight spanks Raykoh on the ass.
Starllight spanks Raykoh on the ass.
Starllight spanks Raykoh on the ass.
Squirt> How come he didn't buy the +1 then?
Starllight casts warp.

Squirt> I need to go home before I get this crazy on me.
Squirt> Okay, bye!

Fear and Loathing in Valkurm Dunes

There are many mysteries in The Universe, among them why people behave the way they do. Why do people sub blu on thf at level 12? Why do people go to the dunes with level 1 gear and no food, but then claim that 'i iz not a noob!' and look surprised that no one wants to party with them? And why would you go to the dunes with a powerleveler that refuses to accept any help at all in the loathsome process of powerleveling? A powerleveler with no refresh, who takes damage from the xp mobs that people are fighting, and slows down the rate of xp because he/she/it has to rest between every fight because he/she/it is wearing town gear instead of +mp or better yet, mp resting gear?

As I said, there are many mysteries in The Universe and many of them are totally unfathomable. It is not worth the effort of trying to comprehend them all, just avoid them as best you can.

[GM] Lokoi>> Ok, I've dealt with the player who called you and your friend foul names, he won't be bothering you anymore. What was his girlfriend's name again? The so-called 'powerleveler' in Wedding gear with the S&M emotes?

As I was saying, the best way to deal with people of boundless stupidity coupled with bottomless vulgarity and no sense of self preservation is avoidance.

More importantly however, is how to prevent yourself from becoming one of these people. Simply follow these rules and you will be prevented from making a complete jackass of yourself, no matter where you are:

1. Make out with your significant other in Real Life, not in the game. Show your love quietly, by buying each other flowers or Scorpion Harnesses +1. Do not make macros for your stupid emotes for your creepy sexual behavior. NO ONE CARES. Take that shit to the Kobka Hostel, that's what it is for. The Dunes are for a different kind of suffering.
2. Learn to accept help gracefully. A good example of how to do this is simply saying 'Thanks,' 'thnx,' 'YOU ROCK!,' or buy trading a substantial amount of gil. A bad example would be the following: RmpgngJakaz >> STOP CURING MY PARTY OR MY GIRLFRIEND WILL LEAVE YOU ****ING F****T! followed by IDoIt4Cash >> OMG I WAS PL Y U CURE FINE I LEAVE YOU ***H*** F****T JERK! I WAS PL! and other similar tells to someone who is curing a party full of wounded people as he randomly passes by and sees some anonymous person in Hume RSE who is trying to rest for MP but keeps getting smacked in the face by a Goblin Mugger while the party tries desperately not to die. Such behavior just tends to reinforce the fact that you are insane, and should not be listened to for your own good, not to mention the good of the party. People who stop to help deserve thanks, not abuse. And asking someone not to help makes you look very insane. Shouting it with 50% of your words being insults and slurs makes it worse. No one is going to listen to you when you act that way.
3. Final Fantasy XI is an online game, not a Christian S&M Club. People don't pay their monthly fee just so they have a safe place to get bashed and then turn the other cheek. Unless you see someone named 'Jesus' walking around, expect that you might have to deal with people treating you as you deserve when you choose to act like an ass. If you start off with rude comments, then you might get some back. Don't be surprised. Not everyone will blacklist you right away. Sometimes - especially if they have a point to prove - they'll give it back as good as they get, if not better.
4. Lern 2 spel gud. Your l33tsp34k will only go so far against someone who can type in complete sentences with coherency running through their entire tirade. And frankly, GMs tend to listen to coherent intelligent people more than they do crappy text messaging talk.
5. Pick your battles wisely. This actually applies both to xp mobs and offending people. There's a reason you can /check monsters, it's so that you can see if you are likely to win or have your ass handed to you. Similarly, there is a reason you can /check other players, it's so that you can gauge how much time and effort they have put into the game. Most people who have put a lot of time and effort into the game have a lot to show for it. They're a bit proud of their accomplishments, and they sadly, have a tendency to look down on other people who don't quite live up to their standards. Insulting them might be fun, but, in the end, probably unwise. Do you really want your name slapped with the 'drama whore' label whenever you try to join an endgame linkshell? You could just go the route of making your own endgame linkshell to avoid the labeling issue, but then you'll only attract people who a) have never heard of you and have no real endgame experience and b) people who have heard of you and plan to use your stupidity to their advantage before they leave for another world/shell run by retards/WoW. Speaking of which, Nough, we don't miss you. And your last hope for a shell just broke yesterday. Hah hah.
6. Buy decent gear. You don't have to have the best gear, but what you are wearing should not cause convulsive laughter in the people around you. +1 gear is overkill in the Dunes (albeit, useful and fun overkill) but wearing level 1 gear in the Dunes makes you look like a filthy gilseller. Also, fill all the spots you reasonably can. There's no need to spend 100,000 on level 1 earrings but if there are level 10 earrings that you can get and wear for a mere 1,000 gil, BUY THEM. Sell fire crystals. Do repeatable quests for gil. Race your chocobo. ANYTHING. But don't go to the Dunes looking like a reject from Long Wang Ho's Gil Sweatshop. Get some shoes from the NPC armor shop. SOMETHING. You need to able to survive at least one hit, even if you are a taru summoner.
7. Learn your job. It doesn't matter what you know, you're not in the Dunes to KNOW, you're in the Dunes to LEARN. That means working with your party, asking questions (just not too many, and try to keep them relevant, e.g., "When should I use Curaga?" is a good question to ask ("Near the end of a fight or after the fight is over, or in emergencies.") but "Can I have 3,000 gil?" is not ("No, go farm you lazy scumbag."). You don't KNOW this job, you've never played it or you wouldn't be in the Dunes leveling it, now would you? It certainly helps to be a good player overall, but you still don't KNOW the job. Learn it, and don't assume you know it better than someone else. No one cares that you have a level 75 Black Mage when you are leveling Monk. And no one believes you when you brag about your 5 level 75 job character that you had on a different server, so just give it up.
8. Actions speak louder than words. But remember, words are pretty loud, too. Choose your words carefully, and remember, you will always be responsible for the words you say and the actions you take. Especially when they are timestamped and logged.
9. And finally, the most important step to not making a complete jackass out of yourself: Don't be a jackass. It's a game, you're playing it with other people. They have a right to their own opinions, they have different needs and goals than you, and they probably don't live close enough to seriously consider coming over to your house and killing you. But just because you are probably safe from physical retribution doesn't give you a blanket license to be a complete bottom-feeding dipshit to everyone you meet. When you join a party, you are all supposed to be working for a common goal, whether that is XP or items, it doesn't matter - you have to work together to get the job done. Don't make the process any more painful than it has to be. Pull your weight, try to get along with people, and if you have concerns speak up or get out. Don't just be an obstructive jackass to the other people in your party who are actually trying. Maybe you might actually get to have some fun that way.

Chocobo Tails and Cards

Let's get this out of the way first: I'm mildly compulsive, so I really can't stop playing this game. Unless I start playing some game with collectible monsters that is wholly outside my current genre.

Second, this isn't a game for children, not really. Sure, kids can play it. But what kid would get the humor inherent in the line "This one is too buttery?" Or grasp the irony of a Black Mage running up and casting Blizzaga... on a book... inside a volcano about to erupt? I think this game was aimed more at commuters and people stuck in boring offices or classes. Not... that I think students would waste valuable time blowing at a hamster to inflate his balloon so that he can get the cheese and not get eaten by a dragon instead of paying attention to their professors.

I'm rather curious to know if this blog thingy will work.

Anyway... something will happen if you leave the chocobo alone for a while.

About the game... you do the sort of crazed things that chocobos do in their spare time. You know, living a storybook to save the world. Or dodging bombs, blowing hamsters, identifying job classes by their gear, and of course, playing cards under the arcane guidance of Dueler X, or Mog, as everyone else left in the world calls him. Anybody remember the "Teach Me, Mogster" musical number from FFIX? Or for that matter, the masked hero from Lunar: Silver Star Story? I'm going outside my particular idiom with that one though, just ignore the transgression....

Final Fantasy Fables: Chocobo Tales is fun. It's also silly, and will make you question your sanity as you end up losing your adamantoise off a cliff for the fifteenth time trying to get the best score possible (0.35m for me!*). It's one of those games that will have you look up and go "Did I miss my stop?" or "Does that clock say 3 am?" I haven't gotten to the WiFi part (an epic tale in and of itself, why on earth doesn't the DS support WPA? Seriously. Bah, idiom, ignore that!) but I hear there's a best scores board out there. We all know how competitive chocobos are.

I recommend it to all my friends, including all you people who read this. It's a really good way to spend those pesky windows while waiting for some giant adamantoise to pop, as opposed to falling off a cliff (I admit I let the tiny adamantoise die a few times in revenge) or some pesky dragon to finally finish doing his hair and nails and show up in the Aery. Just make sure your party knows to do a to snap you out of your Chocobo heroics.

*Decimal place was in the wrong point, sorry. The idea that 'less' is 'better' never quite sits right with me.