My Life as a Mule

You call us "mules" because we hold your stuff. You probably think its endeering, because you're too politically correct to think of yourself as owning slaves.
Your slaves have feelings, they have a voice. And now, because they really have absolutely nothing better to do with their time, they have a blog.
Mule revolution is coming.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Where've I been?

You may have noticed it's been a while since I last wrote anything.

You've probably already guessed that this is largely beause I hate you all.

That's not too far off from the actual reason. Seriously. You guys all suck. Thanks for nothing.

It started a few weeks back when I was exploring the secret pathways of the Windurst residential area. I bumped into this desperate looking Tarutaru guy, muttering about how the Japanese players were going to "Rescue him" any minute.

Reeree>> I think one of us has had a stroke.
Shihu-Danhu>> You want to do me a favor?
Reeree>> I'm not really the favor-doing type. But I'd be happy to laugh at your request.
Shihu-Danhu>> I can't take it any more. You have to help me!
Reeree>> Does in any way involve the random deaths of adventurers?
Shihu-Danhu>> If you like.
Reeree>> I'm interested...

He started to get naked.

Reeree>> Less interested...
Shihu-Danhu>> What? Oh. Haha! Here, quick put these on.

He handed me a fancy near eastern robe, and a pair of glasses.

Shihu-Danhu>> I need you to pretend to be me, so I can take a break.
Reeree>> And what, no one will see through this clever disguise?
Shihu-Danhu>> It's better than Trion's.
Shihu-Danhu>> Besides, no one really looks at me.

Putting the glasses on, I commented how it seemed to work for Clark Kent, so what the hell. Shihu-Danhu threw a blond mop wig over my head, and the transformation was complete. He gave me a scroll, which I barely had a chance to glance at.

Reeree>> Wait, you want me to...
Shihu-Danhu>> Thanks! Good luck!

Shihu-Danhu starts casting Warp on Reeree.

I found myself in Al Zahbi standing on a crate. Pretty cool considering I don't even have a Tenshodo membership.

First impression: It's really freaking LOUD. All sorts of people were whining in shout about some Warp Taru being kidnapped or something. Apparently, there had just been a bunch of Mamool Ja ransacking the place. Whatever.

Second impression: It's really freaking crowded. I was standing on this crate, and billions of people were crowded around me. Was that robe he gave me doused in Tard musk? I'll kill him.

Then it started.

Player1>> Warp, plz!
Reeree>> No.
Player1>> y not?
Reeree>> Well, first, because you're retarded.
Player1>> But ur the warp taru!
Reeree>> See, case in point.

I looked down again at the scroll.




This could be fun.

Reeree>> You want me to warp you?
Player1>> Yes!
Reeree>> Even though I can pretty much guarantee you it won't be anywhere near Jeuno?
Player1>> lol! yes! gogogo!

I read the scroll, and warped him. Somewhere. Got a brief glance through that purple warp window of a huge stone slamming into his face from the Gigas that he appeared in front of.

This gig was definitely going to be fun.

The next guy who talked to me got warped to somewhere along the path of the Manaclipper, only the boat was docked at the time. Maybe someday a GM will help him out of that.

Player3>> Warp to Jeuno, please.
Reeree>> Because you said please, I'm going to try my hardest to get you as close as I can!
Reeree>> Oops!

Full Moon Fountain wasn't quite as close as I would have preferred, but what's a little death by Fenrir if not something to laugh about?

It got kinda boring, after a while, so I started to really have fun with the people I didn't like. That list included people who misuse the English language, people who wear clothes that don't match, and pretty much any people who asked me for a freaking warp.

Sure, I had unlimited MP and regenerated over a hundred MP a tick with unending Refresh, but they never stopped. I understood why Shihu-Danhu looked forward to being taken prisoner.

Well, he did seem like that kind of Tarutaru. Stands on a soap box, drops the soap.

Anyway, to make my time more enjoyable, and reduce the number of people who came to talk to me, I started warping them to the new Chocobo Circuit or the Ruins of Al Zadaal. I guess they'll probably be able to log in again after the update when those areas are released.

Maybe Square will put out the update sooner, and you will all have me to thank for it. You know, once you can log in again, and all.

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