Some Damned Expensive Rocks

So Moogle went gambling, and came home with these two really dark rocks.

"It's ore, kupo! It's really valuable!"

"That's great Moogle, now... WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?"

After some argument, Moogle convinced me to send the rocks to be sold in Jeuno, and that the value of the rocks would convince me to not be angry.

So I sent the rocks to Butcherboy, and he asks, "Do you want me to try having them made into beads first or should I sell them as they are?"

I told him I had no idea what he was talking about.  Who would make rocks into beads, and why would I want beads over rocks?

"Well, you see," Butcherboy explained, "it's not actually a black rock, it's a chunk of dark ore.  Filled with dark elemental energy, extremely valuable, and used to make dark beads for use in elemental staves and jewelry."

o.O

"So I could take the risk and --"

"NO RISK!  YOU WILL NOT RISK MY PRECIOUS PRECIOUS PROFITS!"

Once Butcherboy stopped using horrible workds like "risk" and "possible loss through crafting" we agreed to sell the rocks - I mean ores - as they were.

"How long will it be before I can collect my sweet profits?" I asked.

"Oh, you know goldsmiths," said Butcherboy, "they'll probably be sold by the time I get back to my mog house."

"Hah hah... you are joking right?"

"Nope," said Butcherboy with a grin, "they've sold, I'll run back out and send this gil to you so you can go ... do whatever it is you do with all that gil."

O.o

Who pays this much for rocks?  Seriously?  Why would... who would...

I made a huge pile of my gil and sat on it.  Then I fell asleep and had weird dreams about gil falling from the sky and growing from my flowerpots.  When I woke up, Moogle was gone.  He left a note this time, "GONE GAMBLING, WILL COME BACK WITH MORE ORES OR NOT AT ALL."

Choco!

Reeree says if you are going to raise chocobos then you need to get a fast food business license or it's a complete waste of time and gil. I don't think that's right, though. I don't get what french fries and Pepsi have to do with chocobo raising. Reeree says I should ask Purdue or Foster, but I don't know those people. Reeree says try Colonel Sanders but I couldn't find him or his special thingamawhosie.

I LOVE chocobos!

I don't think the NPCs who take care of them do a very good job, though. For some reason they won't let me keep my chocobo in my Mog House, but they don't ever feed him unless I go over there to watch.

This one time, my chocobo was tired, so I told them to let him rest. I was like, if I was tired, I would take a nap, so why not?

Reeree says they drug them and you can't call them organic after you do that. I don't think that's right, but Reeree's really smart and I don't know how else to explain it.

I don't know what happened, but the next few times I checked on my chocofriend he was still all sleepyheaded and wouldn't wake up for me.

I brought him green things to munch on, but he couldn't eat them while he was sleeping and the silly trainer people couldn't make him wake up.

Squirt>> He looks really skinny-winny.
Hantileon>> That's because he's starving to death.
Squirt>> !
Squirt>> Why aren't you feeding him, Mr. Chocobo trainer?
Hantileon>> He's your bird, and he's asleep.
Squirt>> But, can't you feed him when he wakes up?
Hantileon>> Sure.
Hantileon>> Just come back with food at that time.
Squirt>> Will you call me if he wakes up?
Hantileon>> Of course not! Why would you ask that?

It made me sad that my chocobo was starving to death in his sleep, but Reeree says there's nothing you can do about it besides preheating the oven to 350 degrees, but I'm not sure how that helps.

I went back the next day to see how my chocobo was doing.

Squirt>> Is my chocobo awake yet?
Hantileon>> Good news! Your chocobo is finally awake!
Squirt>> Yay!
Squirt>> Um... where is he?
Hantileon>> Bad news! Your chocobo has run away!
Squirt>> WHAT?
Hantileon>> He was pretty mad at you.
Squirt>> What?? Why?
Hantileon>> Well, for one, you never feed him.
Squirt>> ...
Hantileon>> He's been starving for weeks now.
Squirt>> ...
Squirt>> Why did you let him get out without feeding him?
Hantileon>> What do you mean?
Squirt>> You're here to watch him.
Hantileon>> That's right!
Hantileon>> I watched him run away.
Squirt>> Why didn't you stop him?
Hantileon>> What do you mean?
Squirt>> He's been all sleepy-weepy for weeks, and weak from hunger.
Hantileon>> That's right! You're not a very good chocobo raiser.
Squirt>> So how did a weak, sleepy-headed chocobo get loose when you were here?
Hantileon>> I don't understand your question.
Squirt>> Why are you even here?

The next few times I checked in at the stables, all they could tell me was that my chocobo was off roaming the wild places by himself, and they couldn't figure out how to bring him home.

Squirt>> What about the whistle?
Hantileon>> That doesn't work in town.
Squirt>> But if I go outside and blow this whistle, he'll come to me.
Hantileon>> Yup.
Squirt>> So, would you mind coming outside to bring him back to the stable?
Hantileon>> Can't do that.
Squirt>> So, what are you doing to try and get him back?
Hantileon>> I don't understand your question.
Squirt>> You say he left because he doesn't like me?
Hantileon>> That's right.
Squirt>> But he comes when I call him.
Hantileon>> That's right.
Squirt>> And he won't come back here to the stables.
Hantileon>> That's right.
Squirt>> Where YOU are.
Hantileon>> That's right.
Squirt>> ...
Squirt>> WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY CUTE BIRDIE YOU MEANIE-STUPID HEAD?
Hantileon>> Hey there, no need to shout.
Hantileon>> That's the sort of thing that marks you as not a very good chocobo raiser.

Eventually, he came home, but Reeree says it would be better to have Moogle shoot him in the back of the head with a Power Bow than allow him to continue to suffer his existence. I'm not sure how being shot in the head is a good idea, though so I told Reeree to stop trying to make me cry.

I tried to play games with him, but he wasn't very good at them.

Squirt>> Aren't birdies supposed to be smarter than this one?
Hantileon>> Yes, most all of them are.
Squirt>> He just walked into a wall!
Hantileon>> Looks like your chocobo is injured.
Squirt>> Why does he do things like that?
Hantileon>> Well, you never fed him any smart food.
Hantileon>> So now it's too late, and he's destined to be retarded forever.
Squirt>> ...
Squirt's eyes brim over with tears.
Squirt>> YOU NEVER LET ME FEED HIM ANYTHING!
Squirt>> Tell the chocobo-trainer what you told me.
Chocobo>> Kweh?
Squirt>> No, no, the other thing.
Chocobo>> U RUIND MY LIVE!
Chocobo>> RUIND!!!!!

Oh Nough You Didn't

First of all, you know that people named after words just can't be trusted.  So there's this guy, Nough.  It's pronounced 'no' if you were wondering.  (And I'm sure that you were.)  Please keep in mind that his is a wholly fictional account based on various incidents.  Any resemblence to persons currently sobbing in a corner are totally incidental.

When you party with people, or do bizarre events with them, in fact, any time you are forced to join a party there is a Treasure Pool.  Things will drop into it.  Usually, out of politeness, people will just let items fall where they may.  Sometimes, someone may have a specific need for certain crystals ("Can I lot the water crystals? I'm an alchemist."  "Can I lot the fire crystals? I'm broke as hell.") or perhaps the entire purpose of the event was to kill a monster and get an item.  Usually, ownership of this coveted item is decided beforehand ("Your orb, your loot.") and are generally not at all complicated.  For example, he who trades the orb gets all the loot that drops.  When the next person trades their orb, they are entitled to that loot.  And so forth.  And that brings us back to Nough.

Nough joined in on one of these simple events with me (what can I say? the Big Man can do it alone but you need a minimum number of people to get in or something, I wasn't really paying attention.) and the rule was: The Big Man decides who gets what, since El Jefe was ... unavailable.  There will be no discussion, discussions waste time.  We had a large group of people, some of them were doing this just to get it done, some of them wanted shiny items.  But the rule was stated clearly: The Big Man decides, no one else.

Apparently, what is clear to a simple, goodhearted mule is completely unfathomable to someone who has spent years working on their jobs and adventuring and earning a decent reputation.  Or perhaps the sight of shiny things makes adventurers go crazy.  I've never really been very sure.

You find a Shiny Thing on the Big Wussy Monster.
You find a Neat Pants on the Big Wussy Monster.
You find a Fire Crystal on the Big Wussy Monster.
The Big Man: Okay, Chocolate, you lot that Shiny Thing and lets move on.
Nough: El Jefe said I could have the next Shiny Thing.
Butcherboy: Oh, this will be fun.
The Big Man: What? No he didn't.
Nough: Yes he did!  He totally did!  He said I could have if because I was so nice last time and didn't make a scene!  He said I could have the next one! Just call him if you don't believe me!*

Please note: El Jefe is off doing something where calling him would be ... Bad.  Also, useless.

<El Jefe> Abrázame con la piernas ¿así?... ¡Qué coño! <click>

The Big Man: Ok, the last thing El Jefe said to me before he left was that I was in charge.  And I told you all before we came, that I was in charge and I would decide who gets what.
Nough: ....

Chocolate's lot for the Shiny Thing: 23 points.

Butcherboy: Heh, good thing you don't have to beat anybody with that pathetic lot, Chocolate.

Nough's lot for the Shiny Thing: 938 points.
Nough's lot for the Neat Pants: 201 points.

The Big Man: wtf?
Chocolate:  凸(｀$´メ）
Butcherboy: Did you just try to ninja lot?
PersonX: You can't even wear the pants you idiot!
Butcherboy: And we haven't even all passed yet, you moron.
The Big Man: Pass, right now or else.
Nough: NO! It's not fair, I always get fucked over, I never get the stuff I want, even tho I come to every event! It's mine and I'm lotting for it!** °
Butcherboy: You've been in this shell for a week.  Almost.
Chocolate: I think he came with baggage.
The Big Man: Well, he's not leaving with our stuff.

Nough has left your party.
Nough is no longer a member of your linkshell.

And then Nough got humiliated on national television (or at least the Vana'diel equivalent).

But Chocolate got her Shiny Thing!  And some other person who didn't do anything very interesting (i.e., he didn't contribute to the crazy) got the Neat Pants!  I got a free Fire Crystal!  The Big Man got to crush someone like a bug!  And El Jefe...

<El Jefe> ¿Vienes de una vez, coño? ¡Guau!

*I compressed a spread out period of babbling into one sentence to make the story a) coherent and b) flow better.

**Again, the actual babblings were much more spread out and insane.

°<El Jefe> I said he would get one with us, not that he could have the next one.

Not even trying

When I woke up this morning, I had the strangest compulsion to try my hand at fishing. It's not such a strange thing. You cast a line, you exhaust a living creature to the point where you can lift him into the air by a cheek piercing, then you hand him over to the crazy Tarutaru by the guild and run for the zone so you can do it all again.

There's boredom, pain, death, money, and fame. Only thing missing is fire.

I checked my delivery box to make sure the master hadn't sent me a bunch of imp wings or tiger fangs to sell. I promptly screamed, much to my embarrassment and the amusment of the moogle.

Moogle didn't even warn me.

In my delivery box, like a scene out of Indiana Jones, were piles and piles of insects squirming around and sliming one another. It was like watching a bunch of adventurers in Valkurm Dunes.

Also, there was a fishing pole.

I checked my messages.

Jeine>> Had a feeling you would want to go fishing today, so I sent you a pole and some bait.

That's just spooky.

No, I don't believe Jeine is psychic. Don't be retarded. What's spooky is you can mail live insects to people, unpackaged and unwrapped - you just put them in the mail and they show up in someone else's Mog House.

I wrote her a note of "thanks", took the pole and the bait, and headed off toward the fountain in Windurst Woods.

Appears I wasn't the only one who felt like fishing today. A circle of nine fishermen surrounded the fountain.

I took a spot on the bridge, cast my line into the river, and waited, an eerie feeling creeping over me.

The sound of nine fishing rods being cast simultaneously is surprisingly ominous.

I looked around at my fellow fishermen. All were hume males with face 1a. Their names were unpronounceable mashings of the keyboard. I decided to try to speak to them.

Reeree>> 怎么i 矿为鱼?
Reeree seems lost in thought.
Reeree>> Assalamu alaikum!

Nine fishing poles cast with such perfect synchronization - this could be an Olympic event.

Reeree>> script run ./fish?

Hgghhshhgh caught a Bastore Sardine!
Oddly, all the other eight waited patiently, doing nothing while Hgghhshhgh realed in his sardine.

Reeree>> 09 F9 11 02 9D 74 E3 5B D8 41 56 C5 63 56 88 C0?

It was clear they weren't going to answer me. I no longer held any desire for fishing today. Somehow, it just seemed dirty.

I placed a GM call to ask how they would prefer such obvious instances of botter cheating be reported.

Almost instantly there was red shimmering armor in front of me.
GM[Lokoi]>> Hail Adventurer!
Reeree>> Please don't feed me to a dragon!!
GM[Lokoi]>> Dave doesn't exist. How can I help you today?
Reeree>> See those people fishing over there?

He watched for about 5 seconds.

GM[Lokoi] starts casting Warpga.

Nine hume fishing bots vanished in perfect synchronization - this could be an Olympic event.

GM[Lokoi]>> Nope.
GM[Lokoi]>> Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Reeree>> No, thanks. I'm good.

I think about the cost of purchasing 9 copies of the game, setting up nine characters all on the same server, and having all your accounts banned in one shot. It almost makes me smile.