My Life as a Mule

You call us "mules" because we hold your stuff. You probably think its endeering, because you're too politically correct to think of yourself as owning slaves.
Your slaves have feelings, they have a voice. And now, because they really have absolutely nothing better to do with their time, they have a blog.
Mule revolution is coming.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

All good things

You might expect the GMs to rain divine retribution down on me for what I had done, oh ye of little faith.

[GM]Buzzkill did eventually find me again. I warped him so far and so fast that he woke up in World of Warcraft. Yeah, I paniced a little. I've heard he calls some big green man "Papa" now.

Ah, but the universe does appreciate irony.

People were starting to talk about how many gilsellers were starting over at level. You could tell they were gilsellers because anyone else would have upgraded from their starting onion weapons before they hit level 25. Also, anyone else would have taken the time to unlock and level a subjob.

I'm sure my "near jeuno" accuracy had nothing to do with that.

Shihu-Danhu was sending me tells that he had enjoyed his break and was almost ready to come back. I wanted him to have a warm welcome, so I started warping people into boss fight areas, like the Promyvion ENMs and the Shadow Lord.

Everything went dark. I was expecting a little box with dialog:
Where am I?
Am I dead?

The music changed.

NPCs went running past me to hide. What was going on?

Morons started shouting "For the shire!"

I crawled inside my crate, grateful to be able to move again. So this is what that beseiged thing is all about.

Now, I've read about Mamool Ja, but nothing could prepare me for how ugly they are. But that was nothing compared to their stink. Aren't you glad you use Dial? Don't you wish everybody did? I had to take Shihu-Danhu's glasses off to wipe the water from my eyes.

I didn't want to be like those mules by the auction house, taking up space in the zone without contributing my part. I started to cast my wonderful warp on monsters.

Not enough MP.

I know I have mentioned before the one rule to remember: Square Hates You.

As soon as the Jar-Jar Binks on steroids were beaten back, we were treated to an encore of invasion of the escaped breeding experiments. Whoever thought humes and uragnites would be a good match deserves to be beseiged by Troll mercenaries.

Maybe that's why they were so pissed off.

And I thought the Mamool Ja smelled bad. After meeting Trolls, I'll never eat cheese again.

Al Zahbi lost two generals by that point, but the Trolls were beaten back just in time for the Little Mermaid and her merry band of hookers to storm town. What's with all the gold necklaces? Mr T. never wore so much bling.

Now the first two beseigeds had been very unsettling, but Lamia are just foul. What kind of an attack is it to strip someone naked? Nobody wants to see a Galka in his birthday bondage gear. Mithra started crying. I choose to believe in a reality where the two are related, rather than try to comprehend what the Mithra were actually upset about. I don't speak crazy bitch.

I considered casting Stone - since that was pretty much all I had, but after watching a level 75 Red Mage/Ninja drop 500 hit points from some random AoE that didn't even animate for me, from a monster not even loaded on my screen, I opted for counting the grain lines of the boards on the inside of my crate.

There are 647, in case you are interested.

I also counted the NPC exit door handles that would lead me to safety and sanctuary. There are 0.

It was a terrifying long time, and then suddenly, it was over. The music changed. People started shouting "Yawn" and rolling dice like they were pirates.

I would have been home free if it weren't for those dirty hands reaching in my crate and carrying me away before the cut scene was over. They even ripped Shihu-Danhu's robe when they pulled me out of the crate.

When the screen finally loaded, I was in prison. Kidnapped!

I won't go into detail about how bad it was. It's prison. Again, the warp scroll from Shihu-Danhu didn't work. I guess you need to stand on the fountain of MP to be able to cast it. There was no magical fountain of MP in prison.

Nor was there a Starbucks, but I'm pretty sure there was one right around the corner.

I figured it wouldn't be a long stay - they always get the Warp Taru back within half an hour. It would give a few White Mages a chance to earn a few tens of thousands of gil, and then I'd be rescued by some Galka Paladin or something.

I had to share my cell with the merchant guy from Al Zahbi who sells rocks. He'd been there since about 8 hours after the expansion was released. He was so happy to have someone to talk to that he went on and on about rocks for the entire first half hour. Black rocks, blue rocks white rocks, translucent rocks. Remind me to kill any brat at the Windurst school who shows even the slightest interest in Geology.

I got a little grumpy when no one showed up immediately to rescue me. How could they not come to rescue the Warp Taru? This was unheard of. Unless...

/search all Shihu-Danhu

The bastard was back in Al Zahbi. He snuck in after I was kidnapped, and no one ever noticed a thing. I'm going to give that guy a reraise earring so I can kill him eleven times.

For some reason, I had all these thoughts about rocks, so I did what I could with that. I cast Stone on the poor NPC until I was out of MP. Then I used Manafont and cast Stone on him some more.

This process repeated every two hours for roughly two or three weeks, Earth time.

Eventually, our captors noticed what I was doing, and started charging tickets to the show. I waited until they had a crowd of more than 6.

In my experience, 6 people is usually more than enough to ensure that at least one of them will be completely retarded. Once you get into an alliance, it's 99% guaranteed.

The eyes of a dozen beastmen were on me, eagerly awaiting my next temper tantrum, and the bruises and contusions that Bornahn would get as a result of it.

The clock ticked down to zero, and my 2-hour reset.

I looked at all the Beastmen in the eye, and did the one thing guaranteed to piss them off no matter how suicidal their anger might be.

I sat down.

The cries of anger and frustration could be heard all though the Near East.

Troll Sabreur starts casting Bio III.
Lamia Immolator starts casting Firaga IV.
Mamool Ja Savant starts casting Banishga III.
Mamool Ja Sophist starts casting Flare.

Woodtroll Ranger's ranged attack misses.

Reeree>> Shut up!
Reeree>> You had me at Bio III.

They broke the door down to get at me, but I was already long since dead an homepointed. It's always disorienting to suddenly be standing in the middle of Windurst Waters, but it's good to be home.

There was a Thief next to me, looking disoriented. I vaguely remembered warping her here weeks ago in one of my nicer moments.

Thief>>Um... Which way is Jeuno from here?
Reeree>> That's Warp Taru is a complete ass, isn't he?

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