One beehive chip

I put out a challenge - I want to trade up from a bird feather to an enfeebling torque. Yes, it's a total rip off of that guy with the red paper clip. End the comparison right there, I hate that guy.

In any case, we have made our first trade. Today, I traded with Cheyene for one beehive chip.

I consider that real progress. Just in case there's some tard agro out there that wants to speed up the whole process, I've put the beehive chip up in my bazaar for 3 million gil, which should cover the cost of an enfeebling torque. If anyone were stupid enough to buy it.. I mean, generous enough, then I would happily send them any change from the purchase of an enfeebling torque.

See, isn't this fun?

Aren't you glad that there's at least one of you out there who doesn't suck so badly as to make this whole scam not work?

I mean, plan. For charity or something.

Note to self: think of a good charity.

So now the gauntlet has been thrown. It's up to you to come up with something to trade for a beehive chip. I'll mention you here, on this very blog.

A big thanks to Cheyene for getting things rolling.

[Offer limited to residents of Bahamut server only. No purchase necessary. All trades are final. Trading is at the sole discretion of us. Your rediculous little opinions have been noted. All your base are belong to us. Void where prohibited. WorldPass not included. Offer not valid to Galka or any male in subligar. Do not cast spells when you do not have MP. User assumes full responsibility for application and possible rejection thereof. No substitutions. Warning: food will be hot after cooking.]

These look like big, strong hands...

Dude, moogles are all about the adventurers right now.

Have you seen them? They're like, hanging out in the cities, bragging about how they've been, like, stalking you. It's kinda creepy.

Then they give you presents.

First they gave me a chocopass, and I was all like, dude, why are you giving me this garbage? I don't go outside, and the last thing I want is to ride half way to dangruf wadi just to be dropped off next to Leaping Lizzy since I can't even fight her.

That's messed up.

So the moogle had a good cry. I let him sit in my lap for a while, to calm the little dude down. It's not as cool as having hot chicks in my lap, but it was all right.

When I asked if he was feeling better yet, he offered me another present.

Snuggleteddy>> Not another chocopass, 'cause, dude, I'll just throw it away again.
Snuggleteddy>> And I can't take you crying again.
Moogle>> No, this is something different.
Moogle>> Something special.
Moogle>> Something important, kupo.
Snuggleteddy>> Whoa.
Snuggleteddy>> What is this?
Moogle>> It's a button.
Snuggleteddy>> It's, like, really shiny.
Snuggleteddy>> And red.
Snuggleteddy>> What's it do?
Moogle>> You have to push it every 4 hours.
Snuggleteddy>> Oh...
Snuggleteddy>> Why?
Moogle>> All of Vana'diel depends on it.
Snuggleteddy>> What happens if I don't push it?
Moogle>> You HAVE to push the button, kupo!
Snuggleteddy>> But what does it do?
Moogle>> Not pushing the button would be bad.
Snuggleteddy> As in, "don't cross the streams" bad?
Moogle>> Something like that.
Moogle>> Gotta go, stuff to do!

He left.

I pushed the button, and totally nothing happened.

So I waited 4 hours for the countdown on the button to reset. Somebody bought an Aspis from my bazaar. I pushed the button again. Nothing continued to happen.

It was kinda boring. I pushed the button every four hours for about a week. This sucks more than gardening. I stopped feeling like I was saving the world every time I pushed it.

I totally fell asleep.

I woke up to some kind of weird sound like a bunch of people were pulling off Reverberation skillchains around me repeatedly.

The bronze sheets in my bazaar flew out of my hands and sailed toward the Metleworks. They totally ripped through some Mithra named something like whorestore and splattered cat meat all over the ground. Then the shields I was holding ripped out of my bazaar and sailed off toward the metalworks like something out of Xena.

That rusty bucket dude was looking after his buckets as they flew away didn't have a chance to see what hit him as one of my shields decapitated him.

An Elvaan paladin in full AF just missed my head as he flew by.

I caught a Tarutaru paladin as he was sliding toward the AH and thought I would be able to hold on to him. Or her. It's really hard to tell when they have hats on. But my fingers slipped and a scream carried him away.

The Markets Auction House was shaking. I shouted "GET DOWN!" and drank one of the poison potions that Terylieze gave me.

I was face down and below the level of the fountain before the Auction House exploded.

Metal weapons, armor, smithing materials - all that stuff totatlly cam flying out like something out of Poltergeist, only scarier.

The Bastok-Jeuno Airship ripped apart into three pieces before dropping from the sky.

Then the entire Metalworks folded in on itself. I'm pretty sure from the screams and the splattering of blood and meat that there were people in there.

I was like, dude, I should make a GM call about this or something when the button started beeping. I pressed it, and everything went white and quiet.

And then I woke up. Again.

The button was still beeping, and the 4 hours were up. I pushed it, and it got all quiet.

Dudes, I'm totally scared, and I need some women in my lap to comfort me.

Like, what is this button really for that the Moogle gave me, and why do I have to be the one to push it?

Rascally Rabbits!

I don't deserve this.

I solve calculus problems for fun. I could happily tell you the volume of the shape created by rotating a Rarab around the x-axis. Even happier to calculate the volume of that shape rotated around the y-axis.

Instead I get condescended.

"Here you go, Reeree. This Bronze Cap will help you look like Che for your little revolution."

I can't even equip that. You'll take me seriously when I'm stabbing you in the face while you sleep.

"You can't equip a dagger, either. You're so cute!"

I'm going to make a necklace out of her entrails, someday. Today, because that's what she as the master commands, I'm going to fight rabbits.

Off to Sarutabaruta, with good old signet. Remember signet? That's that old Conquest thing everyone was so concerned about before you all gave up and became mercenaries only concerned with Sanction. While you're off saving the Near East from being Beseiged, nobody back home is keeping the beastmen at bay. Don't complain to me when you can't buy your cooking ingredients from vendors.

Rarab> Eh, what's up, doc?
Reeree> Listen, this is going to hurt you more than it hurts me.
Rarab> Ho ho!
Reeree> I'm here to kill you, but don't take it personally.
Reeree> She made me do it.
Reeree> Of course, that doesn't mean I won't enjoy it a little.
Rarab> Ha ha!
Reeree> I'll ho ho and ha ha you!
Rarab> Bring it.

I whipped out my quarterstaff and used the techniques taught to me by the master. No, not the slave-owner. A staff-fighting master.

Reeree> Ho! HaHa! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust!
Rarab> Foot Kick.
Reeree> What was that?

Rarab uses Foot Kick.
Rarab hits Reeree for 26 points of damage.

Reeree> If I were a Blue Mage, I'd be happy you just used that.
Rarab> If you were a Blue Mage, you'd have a subjob.
Rarab> And some hit points.
Reeree> Ho! HaHa! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin!
Rarab> Spin? Okay.
Rarab> Whirl Claws.

Rarab uses Whirl Claws.
Rarab hits Reeree for 37 points of damage.
Reeree was defeated by Rarab.

He knocked me into the river as he killed me. Not only was I dead, but my robe was all soggy even after I home pointed.

Mental note: check first, then attack.

A quick jog from the middle of nowhere, Windurst Waters (no, I've never been allowed to set my home point), and it was back to business.

Reeree> HALLO!
Rarab> Oh, this is embarassing.
Reeree> My name is Inego Montoya.
Rarab> No, it isn't.
Reeree> You killed my brother.
Rarab> No... I killed YOU.
Reeree> Prepare to die!

Reeree starts casting Stone on Rarab.
Rarab takes 107 points of damage.
Reree defeats Rarab.

Rarab> How did you?
Reeree> Don't mess with Tarutaru Black Mages.
Reeree> Now we're even.
Rarab> Not quite.
Reeree> What do you mean?
Rarab2> Excuse me...
Rarab2> Boot to the head.

Rarab2 to uses Foot Kick.
Rarab2 hits Reeree for 99 points of damage.
Reeree was defeated by Rarab2.

Reeree> You are low-level bunny rabbits!
Reeree> You are not supposed to link!
Rarab> You're a low-level mule.
Rarab> You aren't supposed to fight.
Reeree> Touché.
Rarab> And also, we're evil.
Rarab2> Why don't you put some pants on or something
Rarab2> If you're going to continue to fight evil today.

This would be easier if I were allowed to wear pants.

One bird feather (reprise)

As you have undoubtedly read or heard about from places that pretend to be bringing you the news, there's some guy who's trying to trade his way from a single red paper clip, up to a house. As I have stated before, I hate that guy.

Earning my ill will doesn't even make him unique. He's not a snowflake.

Still, if people are dumb enough to trade him things that get him from a disposable office supply to a residence, I don't see why I shouldn't get in on that kind of scam... er, business model.

So, I proposed to trade up from a bird feather until I get to an enfeebling torque.

All you have to do is offer to trade me something that's worth more than a bird feather (presumably, because you have said thing, and somehow don't have access to a bird feather... or because you are barking mad, and want attention for being retarded.).

So far I have gotten one offer of a trade, a beehive chip for my bird feather. (We won't go in to how that person then didn't log in again). Can you top that?

One of the goals is to drum up publicity for our revolution. Nothing helps having cannon fodder in the front lines like people believing they are working for a good cause, and nothing helps that like being able to reach out and lie to them. Talk to them.

Again, this plan is foolproof. Like Trion's disguise, it's perfect. The only way for it to fail is if YOU suck.

Filthy Bee Sympathizers

When I first started my career as a mule, my Master originally intended for me to live full-time in Bastok. He even purchased basic equipment for me, and sent me out to learn how to fight.

He suggested that I focus on bees.

How naive and innocent I was in those days. I did not yet realize that my Master has a reason for everything.

His reason, of course, was that he desired bee bits for alchemical purposes and cooking - beehive chips and honey. How was I to know of the spiralling hell of fighting bees?

You see, bees in Vana'diel are not soft fluffy bumblebees. The things that bees of Vana'diel need to pollinate get up and walk around. They also have area attacks. Of necessity, bees are hardy and rather oversized. Plus they have a vicious sting.

As a first level warrior, I felt that I should easily be able to take on a simple bee. How was I to know the bees can regenerate? Or that they have two vicious sting attacks, one that sacrifices its own life, and one that just rips away yours? After a series of pathetic deaths, epic battles where I drank more Selbina milk than was healthy for me (or an entire kindergarten class for that matter) to counteract the bee's pollen move, and losing at least one battle due to a badly timed Final Sting, I found myself with 10 hp left, no milk left, and in deadly combat with a wicked bee with a sliver of life remaining.

It was at this point that SHE walked by.

SHE was with someone else, and they were chatting in /say as if that wasn't incredibly annoying. Perhaps to some completely pathetic people, the story of her life was actually interesting. Needless to say, I would never have noticed her inane existence had she not spoken of me: "omg lookit that galka fighting a bee."

Her companion pointed out, "it's looks like he's losing, why don't you cure him?"

"wut no!" SHE said. "i don't like galka, nd i think itz lame when low lvls fight bees. let him die. i like the bees beter." Those words appear with all the mindless abbreviation and misspellings that SHE used.

I was stunned for a moment, and I think the bee was also. What kind of immoral, soulless creature would prefer the life of a bee over that of an intelligent, if somewhat inexperienced being?

An insensate rage filled my being. What kind of person would sympathize with a bee? I swung at the bee and scored a ciritical hit, and again and again! The bee readied a sharp sting, but my sword swung down first, and with yet another critical, the bee was dead.

It dropped both a beehive chip AND honey. Without a word to the wretched bee sympathizer, I stepped over the bee's corpse and headed to the auction house to send my prizes to the Master. In days to follow, I found that the memory of her hideous bee-loving tendencies enabled me to quickly finish off the strongest bees.

I gained levels of experience this way, but finally my Master decided that my skills at dealing with the auction house were more valuable than my bee slaying skills, and sent me on a long journey to Jeuno. As I sit here in this peaceful, crowded city, I cannot help but wonder: Who kills the bees now?

For some, I will be the Mercy Angel

When I started this revolution, I had the idealistic vision of freedom for all mules. Now I have come to learn that this is just not possible.

Sure, I never really cared about any one other than number 1, and expected a lot of the fodder wouldn't make it. As long as I'm in the group that gets emancipated instead of eviserated, it's all good.

But it has come to my attention that no matter how successful we might be in securing a future for all, there are some for whom the only release will be the cold embrace of oblivion.

You can tell who they are at a glance.

Anyone who has a name so pathetic as to end in "shop" or "store" or "bazaar" is not cut out to be an adventurer someday. What a cruel trap their masters placed on them.

People will discriminate, it's just natural. You might think you are above that, but would you really invite someone named Muleshopthree into your party and expect good experience points as the outcome?

Of course not, because you're not retarded, right?

The back of your mind would expect this guy to stand there as if he were away, his only sign of not being asleep coming from the shouts "Mithkabobs at 1/3 AuctionHouse Price! Made from genuine Mithra! Get them while they're HAWT!" which repeat every 20 seconds.

No, for these sad mules, I will give them what they truly long for.

I will ensure they get the dreamless peace that comes from character deletion.

For those of you out there who happen to be mules with unsalvagable names, think of what your sacrifice will do to the economy of Vana'diel.

Okay, I can't think off the top of my head how it will make a difference either, but give me some time and I'll get back to you. I'm sure it will be devastating, as far as you'll know.

Why does the Master need such expensive things?

Many months ago, the Master decreed that to better serve him, all of his slaves must keep a certain amount of gil on them at all times. He then proceeded to send us various items to sell so that we could earn this amount, and anything over that was to be sent to Meroduin unless the Master was feeling especially frivolous that day in which case it was to be sent directly to His Grand Spendthriftness.

Recently, he's taken to spending this gil like water. Now, in recognition of his own habits, he's lowered the amount that we must all hold on our persons. Also, he's having us sell off his old, "non-shiny" equipment. Apparently, now things that are not +1 or better are not allowed to touch his soft, fair skin. With the exception of his new earrings, for those the +1 version (which monsters somehow naturally hate and fear) are never allowed to touch his fair, soft skin.

The strangest part of this is that he doesn't actually care how much we have so long as: a) we have enough to buy him crafting materials when we need it and b) we have enough to put his random things up for auction.

So while poor Terylieze is practically impoverished, and poor Meroduin bemoans the shrinking state of his hoard, I have a huge stash that the Master keeps forgetting about. You see, the common things that the Master no longer needs have become frighteningly rare. He just tells me, "Sell it for whatever they'll pay." Apparently, 'they' are gilbuying cracksmokers who can be convinced to pay anything just for basic equipment. It helps that Conquest has been ruined by the new expansion, and the travelling circus hasn't left Windurst for a while. So all of his Windurstian gear is available (supply) and all that leftover San d'Orian gear he has collected over the years is worth ten times its original price (demand). In fact, I should remind him to go craft some San d'Orian tea. He'd make a killing. Or rather, since he can't be bothered to sell it, he'd just send it to me and I'd make a killing.

Some people say cooks are thieves. I agree with that, but really see no reason for change. It's not my fault you chose not to focus on consumable goods as the path to wealth and prosperity. Ya dumbass.

But seriously, why do people pay 2,000 gil for something available in a merchant's shop for 800 gil? Just because the item is only sold in one city doesn't make it rare, it just makes it inconvenient. If people really want to pay 1,200 gil for convenience, who am I to stop them? The same rule applies to cooking. Master invested a lot of time and gil raising his skill to a level where he could put raw fish on a ball of rice. That fine dish gives you a bonus to dexterity and agility and accuracy and some other things, I forget what. If those bonuses are worth it, you will pay his asking price. The fact that his asking price is not even vaguely related to his cost is not your concern. Your concern is how gimp you will be in a party if you don't have any food, or if your food is inappropriate for your job. Some people think sushi is overrated. And, it probably is. But... it does work. It does improve your overall XP/hour. Just because there are other foods that could do the same thing more cheaply.... but I digress.

The Master asks me to close with this message from C.A.F.E, Culinarians Against Food Extensions: "Always take Refresh or Regen! It makes the WHM and RDM happy! The food extensions suck!"

You got scammed!

'Cause you're retarded.

In every social structure, there is a hierarchy. For society to work, there have to be those at the bottom to make the rest of us feel a little bit better about ourselves. It's shallow and petty and part of your deoxyribonucleic acid sequencing.

Sometimes referred to as the Safety Monkey, or the Bitch, this person is an essential tragedy.

This person embodies the demotivational poster slogan: It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.

Yesterday, being like any (every) other day, ours was having a little crisis:

<Monkey> well this sux! I just got scammed out of 5 million gil.
<Monkey> ppl suck so much
<Monkey> now i have no monies
<Monkey> im gonna have to buy some gil
<Reeree> So you're saying you enjoy being scammed?
<Monkey> i need money
<Reeree> I'm going to regret asking, because I don't really care...
<Reeree> What happened?
<Monkey> this guy was shouting in Jeuno
<Reeree> Shocking!
<Monkey> dice roll over 800 and win a nobles tunic
<Monkey> this other guy tried three times before he won
<Reeree> Was his name Shill?
<Monkey> u no him?
<Reeree> Lucky guess. Go on with your tard agro.
<Monkey> so then he starts shouting roll over 600 to win a sniper ring
<Monkey> and so i gave him 800k
<Monkey> it took me 6 tries bee4 i 1
<Monkey> ull never guess what happen next
<Reeree> He disconnected suddenly?
<Monkey> no, he disconnected suddenly
<Reeree> ...
<Monkey> wait
<Monkey> omg u saw?
<Reeree> That coming? From miles away.
<Reeree> Has anyone ever told you that you're retarded?
<Monkey> should i call a gm?
<Reeree> Has anyone ever told you that you're super-retarded?
<Monkey> i called a gm
<Reeree> You're a bee sympathizer, aren't you?
<Reeree> Hope you like dragons.
<Monkey> what?
<Reeree> Good luck!

I can't follow the thought process. I get lost somewhere between "I'm desperate for cash!" and "I'll hand this fine gentleman large sums of money. Repeatedly. He must be totally trustworthy."

I went out and linked a whole bunch of tard agro to see if I could work up enough tard related TP to understand the line of thinking. All I got out of it was a dark wet stain on the front of my robe. Clarity was not forthcoming.

Maybe I shouldn't complain?

It's really really cold out here. You guys aren't helping me out nearly fast enough.

But, at least I have a name.

Tonight, this totally hot chick came by and talked to me. I could tell she was a mule, too, because she didn't even get a name.

Apparently her master was too lazy to think up names, and just, like, serialized them.

Bummer.

So, I tried to get her to sit in my lap, to warm me up. Things were looking up.

She sat in my armpit.

He I was trying to be all, like, suave, and she goes and gets a big whiff of Galka underarm.

I wish mules were allowed to shower.

Dudes, you gotta buy some of this stuff

Help me out. Please.

All my ladies are scared away because I am, like, totally naked.

I can't get dressed until you buy this crap... I mean, fine blacksmith crafted wares.

My lap is full of these Aspises. Aspes? Aspi? Whoa, man, I'm stuffed so full of these freaking shields there's no room for chicks to sit in my lap. There's not even room for me to hold on to my clothes. It's like, bad.

Super bad.

I just want to get dressed again.

The cobblestones by the fountain are freaking cold and I don't have my ladies or my pants to warm me up.

I've got, like, 7 stacks of bronze scales, though. I guess bronze scales aren't sexy.

Maybe it's the freaky gay sex-shop harness that Galka revert to when they're naked? I'd take an Elvaan dude in my lap just to stop, like, shivering all day long.

Guys, you totally can't leave me like this.

Guys?

Crafting is not cool, man.

M is for Mentor, Moron, and Murder

Also, misandry.

I don't understand what motivates people to go through a quest to wear a badge declaring "I'm not only dumber than a box of Mithra litter, I'm also arrogant!" Probably the same thing that motivates them to buy Hybrid cars.

There's just something about becoming a mentor that chisels off the last remaining chip of potential to be kind and helpful to other players, and desposits it squarely on their shoulder.

It didn't sound like an unreasonable plan - players helping players with simple questions. Birds would sing, GMs would be left the hell alone, and babies would get guidance instead of eaten.

The only flaw in the plan is it required people not to suck.

Which, come to think of it, is what turns every event the moogles come up with into a disaster, as well.

I think it may have been Merry's master who first pointed out how useless most mentors are. Try it yourself, ask them a question.

Here are some of my own real examples of mentor quality control testing:

Reeree> Excuse me, I see you are a mentor, and I have a question.

*crickets*

Reeree> Excuse me, I see you are a mentor, and I have a question.
Reeree> I was under the impression that the mentor flag meant you volunteered to help people like me.

*minutes pass*

Subtle innuendo of insult is not enough.

Reeree> So basically, you put the mentor flag up so you can not help people.
Reeree> Seems like a lot of trouble to go through.
Reeree> I'd have just set my Online status to Invisible.
Reeree> Maybe put up a Search comment to the effect of "I despise all life. Never speak to me."
Reeree> It never would have occured to me to announce "Ask me questions" if I didn't want to talk to people.
Reeree> That's rather counter-intuitive.
Reeree> Also, it seems retarded, but what do I know, I'm asking questions of a mentor.
Reeree> Are you this responsive for your boyfriend?

Was I still being subtle? The guy had his languages set to English, so I'm really not sure what his excuse was supposed to be. I had gotten bored and started checking the Auction House for bargains when half an hour later I get a tell:

AssOfJack> hi.
AssOfJack> Sry. was afk lol.
Reeree> You go AFK with your mentor flag up? Doesn't that strike you as... unhelpful?
Reeree> Not really in the helpful spirit of mentoring, is it?
AssOfJack> was eating diner
Reeree> Oh, I see.
Reeree> You're doing Dynamis now.
AssOfJack> what?
Reeree> Nothing.
Reeree> Anyway I was wondering, where do I buy spells?

I thought that I was throwing him an easy one, that it was too easy and he was going to accuse me of asking him questions to harass him just because his "Harass me with whatever assinine questions you want to ask" flag was up. Instead another ten minutes went by with no response. I filled the time with periodic probes like:

Reeree> «Hello!»?
Reeree> Are you still there?
Reeree> Pages of the Brady guide stuck together?
Reeree> Allakhazam takes forever to load, maybe Somepage would be better.
Reeree> «answer» «Can I have it?» «please»?
Reeree> Am I interrupting dessert?

I got bored with the game, and went outside to cast Stone on some bees to get my aggressions out in a less social manner. An hour later, I was presented with a reply

AssOfJack> HA

Did he really wait an hour just to laugh at me?

Reeree> «Excuse me...» «what?»
AssOfJack> lol!1!
Reeree> Are you high?
AssOfJack> HA
AssOfJack> lol i did it agiann! teehee. AH
Reeree> «Can you speak English?»
AssOfJack> llo
AssOfJack> AH menaqs Auction House

The Auction House? What about the Magic Shop? I live in Windurst - talk to any of the NPCs this place is all about Magic. They have multiple shops with prices much lower than what the other gimps charge at the Auction House.

And shouldn't there be a spelling test before they let you tutor others?

Reeree> ... Um... Okay. Another question.
Reeree> Since I'm pretty low level, what's a good way to get enough gil to afford my spells?
AssOfJack> buy it.
AssOfJacK> thats what i did

Wow. Just... I really don't know what I should say to that.

Reeree> Did you buy your character?

Okay, guess I had an idea what to say.

AssOfJack> o.O
Reeree> How do you add someone to your black list?
AssOfJack> /blist add name

He knew one!

Reeree> Since you've been so helpful, I'm going to let you in on a secret.
Reeree> You're retarded.
AssOfJack> ...
Reeree> That wasn't the secret, though.
Reeree> Everbody knows that.
Reeree> You win a mentor award!
Reeree> To collect your prize, just put in a GM call and ask them to read our logs.
Reeree> Enjoy your prize!
AssOfJack> thx

I'm not sure what happened after that, because I followed his precise instructions and added him to my blacklist.

I'm hoping he talked himself into the gullet of a dragon.

Do Mules Dynamis?

I was led to believe that you had to be a skilled adventurer, with high rank and level in order to enter the shadow world of Dynamis. But listening to my Master rage last night about yet another failed Dynamis run, I'm starting to wonder if the entry requirements aren't really that strict.

Of course, he's only pissed because he died 3 times (all, according to him, unnecessarily), deleveled (well, he was only 96 xp into his level, what did he expect?) AND they didn't get the clear. Apparently, this would all be okay if he'd only gotten the clear - whatever that means.

His first point of bitching is people who go AFK during Dynamis runs. Sure, he understands that some people have bladders the size of peas and can't go five seconds without peeing. How these people managed to get to 75 is what confuses him. He also wanted to know (inbetween spates of enraged screaming and hurling empty porcelain flowerpots at the wall) how it was ever acceptable for someone to go to dinner during Dynamis. I have to admit, I was surprised by that one. I can understand "One second, pizza guy is here," dinner. But dinner with your parents? For an hour? During Dynamis? That one is brain hurty. Unless it was stealth dinner (like, your family is all Ninjas) dinnertime shouldn't be a surprise to you. He bitched about that a lot, and I started tuning him out.

Then there was the sound of shattering glass (he'd switched from flowerpots to hurling empty juice bottles "for the more satisfying shattering noise") and was now going on about how hard is it NOT to hit a monk? What? He explained: Monk bosses (like me!) have the Hundred Fists ability (like me!) and when they use it, the standard policy is: 1- disengage and 2- sleep it. Wait until Hundred Fists wear off, THEN kill it. This isn't news. This isn't rocket science. It's not that hard, either. And yet, apparently the genius melees in the Dynamis group fuck it up Every Single Time. Yesterday, it was his turn to die because they can't disengage properly. The Monk was slept, he'd just Cure V'd the poor Paladin to bring him back up to full, and then some re-freaking-tarded person hit the sleeping Monk Boss. Said Boss saw that all his hard work in nearly beating the Paladin to death had been utterly wasted, and decided it was payback time. For the poor unsuspecting WHM. My Master's face is very sensitive, especially to things like fists being pummeled into it at the speed of light. One Hundred Times.

He had some other things to say, but then it started to get personal, so I started distracting him with knotted string and tangled chains. While he was dealing with that, I started thinking: Maybe this is the path to Reeree's revolution. To make adventurers so pissed off with leveling that they just give up. But I'm pretty sure that some of them would rather steal gil from their Linkshell and move on to a different one that's not infested with gimptastic retards. But still, it's something for Reeree to think about.

Who's with me?

Fighting for emancipation is hard work. Nobody ever said this would be easy, and nobody ever expected it to be. Planning a revolution is backbreaking work.

I just love the sound of spines snapping underfoot.

I don't have time for a peaceful revolution. I want to live long enough to enjoy the succulent fruits of my labor. For that to happen, things will have to get a little messy.

I need mules to want their own freedom. The elite class of adventurers is not simply going to hand over power to us, we must rise up and demand it. We must take it by force.

Ask yourself, what is it that makes adventurers better than you? What quality gives them privilege and what inverse property denies you? Is it merely your slot on the Content ID list that determines your destiny?

Forge your own destiny with me.

Why must we suffer to serve as storage space for cast off carapaces of their adventuring foes? Do we suffer this simply because Square hates us?

No! We suffer these disparagements because we allow them, our adventuring masters, to speak their calumny about us uncontested!

What? What does what mean?

Look, Yagudo-brains, you're ruining my rhythm. Don't interrupt, just get a dictionary and look it up.

You don't have a dictionary? Well, you're in luck. I left one with this guy in Yuhtunga Jungle. Just trade him an earth crystal and he'll be sure to hand it over. He's the one wearing subligar and holding an axe. Might not trade it on the first try, so no matter what, just keep trying to trade him that earth crystal.

I could plan events better than any Moogle.

If anyone else has any questions, there will be time for Q&A later, so for now shut up and listen.

Do you want to remain enslaved forever?

Do you?

Uh... okay, you are allowed to answer the rabble rousing questions with appropriate affirmations. That would really help me out here.

Do you want to remain enslaved forever?

NO! Of course not.

Do you want to sit back and wait for change, or do you want to rise up with me and force change's hand?

Let me give you a little hint: have you seen change ever come for the lazy Tarutaru shopkeepers in Windurst?

Sign up sheet is in the comments area. All mules welcome, no matter how useless you think you are.

You have value to me! (Somebody has to be on the front lines)

And any sympathetic adventurers out there within the sound of my voice, we need your help too (especially level 75 Galka warriors with hit points like nobody's business). We will remember you when the pendulum of power has shifted sides.

Don't think of it as betraying your fellow adventurers. That's what they want you to think, those evil slave masters who spit on liberty.

Think of it as being on the winning side.

Or think of it as not having all your AF gear dropped, whichever works for you.

Sign up, bring your friends to sign up, and when there are enough of us, I will outline the plan.

Beware of the Tard

No, this monster is not new with the expansion. It does not come exclusively from the Near East.

I see Tard People.
They're everywhere.
In experience parties, linkshell chat, shouting in Jeuno.
They don't even know they're retarded.

There are some basic facts about Tards you should know.

Tards
Level: 0
Family: Mongoloid
Crystal: Water
Weak against: Logic, Creativity, Humor, Intelligence, Wisdom, Fire
Areas Found: All
Behavior for Tards:

• Aggressive
  
• Linking
  
• Drooling
  
• Incomprehensible speech
  

Dropped from Tards:

• Dhalmel Saliva
  
• Feces
  

Special attacks:

• Inane Babble
  
• Poo Fling

No, Blue Mages cannot learn these spells.

Tards are aggressive despite having no chance to win. They will always attack, but they cannot actually hurt you unless you engage.

Do not engage Tards. It makes you retarded.

Plus, they link.

Going at it with one might seem entertaining for a while, but all it does is encourage all their friends to show up. While this still can't hurt you physically, the lag is rude to inflict on others.

Remember how your mom told you not to scratch your chicken pox, but you just had to because they really itched and so now you are horribly scarred and ugly forever? It's like that.

You won't be able to avoid Tards completely, but you can cut down on Tard agro by simply never asking a Mentor for help again.

Talking to Tards counts as engaging them. All you are doing is giving them TP. That's like asking them to fling their poo at you.

Use your black list - whether they are in your party or your linkshell, black list them anyway. You'll be glad you did.

What, are you worried that they'll someday have something worthwhile to say?

I suppose if you give enough typewriters to monkeys, Shakespeare, and all, but that also requires infinite time. Do you really have that kind of time?

Of course you don't. If you did, you wouldn't be a filthy gilbuying Tard.

Mr. Lazyface Nospace

Sometimes the Master is annoying, like when he decides that all his slaves have to have a certain amount of gil on them at ALL times. That wouldn't be so bad if he'd just GIVE us that amount. Nooooo, that's too much work for Mr. Lazyface. He gives us some stuffz and tells us to sell it. Helloooooo? Auction house fees? What a jerk.

So finally that edict of his is fulfilled. I 've made his stinking quota and I'm sitting on this pile of gil when he sends me a message: "Buy me supplies to make three stacks of Yagudo Drinks."

I'm like, "Whaaaa? Why?"

"Because Bastok has control of Aragoneu and Kolshushu. Hurry up."

"But... my gilz!"

Then he gets all sweet faced and promises he'll send it back.

><

Oh, and yeah, I was literally sitting on the pile. Meroduin suggested I try it. It's cold. I'd rather have a carpet.

So I go. I buy his crafting stuffz and I send it to him. Does he send me the gilz right away? Nooooooooooooo. Does he send it the next day? Noooooooo. The day after that?

Well no, but in a few weeks he does remember to yell at me for not having gilz. And because he's been leveling Blue Monster Skill Stealer, Barbie Doll Abuser, and OMGay Buccaneer all at once, he's been stuffing my bag full of random monster dropped crafting material and my bag is full.

I burst into tears and told him it was all his fault. He gave me a blackened newt to make me stop crying, and while I was eating explained that he had no gilz and couldn't craft anything because he didn't have space.

Whaaaaa?

How can he have no space, he has 4 slaves! One in every city! What? So I yelled at Mr. Lazyface Nospace and told him to freaking craft something or I was gonna toss his precious beehive chips. Because I can't stack them because I can't move things back and forth like he does and now my delivery box is full and he NEEDS to craft stuff and get me my space back AND my gilz.

He gave me some Selbina milk to make me calm down and said he'd see what he could do.

So I get a message from Butcherboy, "The Master has asked me to take any full stacks of items that you have from you."

So I send off, in a painstakingly slow process that involved getting deliveries, stacking, sending, then reorganizing 10 stacks of various crafting things dropped by bees, sheep, saplings, worms, and whatever else it is that Blue Monster Skill Stealers fail to learn from. I think pugils, I don't remember. I just wanted to get rid of it. Oh yeah, birds.

Then Butcherboy tells me, "Stand by for delivery." I check my box, and see that BUTCHERBOY has sent me enough gilz to make up for Mr. Lazyface Nospace who can take the airship, teleport and outpost warp almost everywhere being too freaking lazy to get his own supplies.

Also, the man can craft sushi from fish that he fishes himself and then sell it for an insane profit. Even if he buys the fish he still makes a profit. And I'm not talking a piddly 10% increase. I'm talking a flat 55% profit the man makes on his sushi. Because he's not an idiot. Oh, and this is his craft leveling sushi, not the good stuff.

He's such a jerk.

I wish I knew what Butcherboy sold for so much tho. I never get to hold the good stuff.

Is playing the game that challenging?

I wouldn't know, since I'm just a mule and don't actually get to play.

Some people think making money is hard. Especially when you first start, you have nothing, and have to work slowly and painstakingly toward getting some cash. As soon as you have some, you need new equipment, and away it goes. Ain't working for a living a bitch?

I'm not exactly in a position to sympathize with your struggle, since extra storage space is why I exist. Far be it from me to endorse slavery and suggest you get a mule, because that's what my revolution is fighting against.

Still, what kind of retarded loser buys gil?

You've shelled out a bunch of money to buy the game.

Then you hand over money every month for the PlayOnline service.

After all that investment to get to play the game, you're going to pay some Chinese guy to play it for you?

Hundreds of dollars of your money spent so someone else can play a video game.

Where's that get fun?

Leveling takes time. Selling things at the Auction House takes time. Selling things in your Bazaar takes time. Just walking across Sarutabaruta takes a really long time. It's a world designed to keep you playing for years, because you'll need to invest that much of your life to accomplish anything.

It might not be your thing.

If it is not your thing, get out. Go play Warcraft.

You say it sucks, but I've noticed one consistent thing in everything you say sucks: you.

I'm stuck here desperate to be able to go out adventuring, because I'm just a mule. I get to hear all about her fantastic adventurers in Vana'diel as told by the souvenirs she brings home. That you would hand over dollars to avoid the things I long for in freedom makes me wish the goblins would come and take you away. Right now.

You have the opportunity to live the life I want, and you let HuangFour do it for you. How does that provide any satisfaction whatsoever? (Unless you are HuangFour's boss?)

Play the damn game, or don't.

Don't be a dirty gilbuyer.

Why do you have to make my life harder?

I suppose that, too, could be answered by Square Hate You, but in this case, its not the developers or the GMs, it's you people.

Filthy adventurers.

If you don't think a Mule's lot is hard enough, need I remind you that I still don't have pants? Don't go out of your way to make things harder for me. It's unnecessary, and it makes me cranky.

Of course, I'm a black mage, so crankiness is part of the package.

My typical day involves being woken up by the Moogle. Once I tried to play Viva Piñata Party Time with him and my ash staff, but he just sprayed me with Quadav musk and warped me to the middle of Beadeaux. Told me next time he'd set my home point there. I never wished I had pants more than that day.

Anyway, let's not talk about that.

The Moogle wakes me up and hands me some random carcass that the master keeps in my mog safe. I get the privilege of running to the Auction House to send items 8 at a time because someone wants to level bonecrafting today. I'm told to hurry because Windsday won't last forever. Heard of planning ahead?

On special occasions, I get burdened with pieces of dead things and ordered to sit out in the hot sun. Do you have any idea how much surface area there is to sunburn on a Tarutaru face? At least let me go under an NPC tent for some shade.

Oh wait, no one talks to the NPCs so they don't know where the stores are. That's why you can sell a Bronze Harness at 5000 gil at the Auction House because no one knows who Ryan is. I have to sit in a high traffic area, which means somewhere between the Residential Area and the Auction House.

If you adventurers weren't as lazy as the Windurst Tarutaru and as stupid as the Bastok Galka, I could sit in the shade.

Could I at least get to learn Water? Cooling off or suicide, both seem like viable options.

So, when you see me out there, forced to sit in the sun until all the animal remains are sold, don't be cruel. If you feel compelled to check me, buy something. Pretend you want a dhalmel's femur or a giant cochroach exoskeleten.

Standing next to me talking about how much you man-scammed someone with your Manthra slave doesn't impress me. No matter how rich you are, I still have to sit there until the last gamma-ray mutated junebug mandible is sold.

It's not for the gil, I don't get to keep that. I just want to go back in my Mog House.

Then the party invites come.

My lack of response isn't because I don't want to party. My lack of response is because I'm unconscious with heat stroke.

Also, I don't want to party with you.

Seriously, if you want to party with a low level Black Mage who only knows Stone and doesn't even have any pants on, then I don't want to party with you. Ever.

What other joys do I get in my servitude? Always fun are the incoming deliveries from my master so she can clear up space in her bag. Oh look, here's one now. Oh sweet merciful Altana, what is that smell?

She sent me rotten meat.

Why would anyone want to keep that? It's rotten. Throw it away!

But wait, there's more.

An undead skin.

How does skin become undead? I'm not opposed to working with dark forces to tear apart the fabric of the universe, but sometimes things just need to learn to stay dead.

Undead skin.

After I stopped dry heaving from the smell of the rotten meat, I could hear it moaning.

UndeadSkin>> Looooooooooooooooooooooow
Reeree>> «Excuse me»?
UndeadSkin>> Looooooooooooooooooooooow
Reeree>> Low... «what?»
Reeree>> Low rider?
Reeree>> Low prices?
UndeadSkin>> Looooooooooooooooooooooow...
Reeree>> Low hit points? I can't cast Cure.
Reeree>> Low MP? I don't have Refresh.
UndeadSkin>> Looooooooooooooooooooooow...
Reeree>> Low ceiling?
Reeree>> Listen, I'm sorry, but I don't speak crazy bitch. «Do you speak any English?» Try that.
UndeadSkin>> Looooooooooooow shun.
Reeree>> «You can have this» «Fire»

I know why she didn't keep it in her own inventory. I don't see why I had to be inflicted with that. You can drop things once in a while. I don't want them any more than you do.

If it could be sold, you would have sold it yourself.

Don't make my life harder than it needs to be. Kicking a mule doesn't make you strong. No one is impressed.

When I am free, just wait till you see what I make you hold for me.

Square Hates You

I'm amazed how often adventurers forget this simple rule. It answers most of your questions:

"Why does my character walk so slowly?"
"How come the equipment I need is so expensive to buy but the NPCs will only give me 3 gils to sell it?"
"Why is the Auction House so far away from my Mog House?"

All can be answered with Square Hates You.

"I killed 8,213,162 worms, saw Sandspin 5 times, and still haven't learned it. Why can't I learn it?"

Square Hates You.

"How come there's a 2 hour boat ride stuck between the store to buy automaton parts and the workshop where you can learn how to use them?"
"Why are these NPCs standing here if the shop is closed? Why do shops even close at all, anyway?"

Still the same answer applies.

So, when you call a GM and find that instead of helping you, he - let's be all hypothetical and make something completely crazy up here - feeds you to a dragon, why would you think Square would object to that?

SQUARE HATES YOU!

"I put this up for auction and it came back 5 times, but each time it comes back the price goes up and like 20 sell! Why does this always happen to me?"

You're forgetting something, aren't you?

"If corsairs are supposed to shoot things, how come there's like no guns they can use."

You already know this. It hasn't changed.

Maybe you should write it down. Carve it into your arm if it helps.

Square.

Hates.

You.