Updates suck

The worst thing about updates is that they are over too quickly. During the update, it's great. I get to kick back in my Mog House and read some Harry Potter. No one bothers me. Even the moogle is off playing poker with his friends.

Of course, none of you people being able to log in means that none of you are buying the stuff I'm supposed to be selling, so as soon as she can get back online the boss is screaming at me for slacking off. Who did you expect me to sell your 69 scorpions rings to during this time that no one could log in? If you are that impatient, sell them to an NPC. You want me to bazaar them, you got to wait until all the morons are online to buy them. Not rocket science.

And also, I could kill you with my brain.

Granted, that's only if you stood very still while I cast Stone I repeatedly, rested for MP, and repeated the whole process for like 87 days. And if you didn't cheat by using Stoneskin, Blink, or Phalanx. Also, it would speed things up if you would strip naked and maybe drink some poison potions. Terylieze could hook you up with that.

So now we have an update. Whoop dee doo. I can look forward to exciting new garbage to hold for you and... no, that's about it. Oh, wait, there's some jerk by the fountain who'll stick a green badge on me while I'm not looking if I make the mistake of talking to him, and for some reason I'm not allowed to cast Stone on him instead. But then, he was there before the expansion came out. And he smells like tacos.

I want the awesome power of Blue Magic. Can I have it? Of course not. As a mule, I'll never get to level 30, so unlocking flag quests is just an impossible dream. If I had Blue Magic, I'd already have learned the amazing abilities of Oppress, Bitch Slap, Dog Whip, Spirit Crush, Kick While Down, and many, many more. Then we'd see who likes apples and how.

So, who cares if there's a new expansion? I'll never get to see these areas of the Near East. I rarely even get to see East Sarutabaruta.

I got your Treasures of Aht Urhgan right here.

Chains of Promathia wasn't any better. I wouldn't have even noticed that there was any kind of update at all if it wasn't for all the clove cigarettes that the goth kids leave littered behind the Auction House. It's not a freaking 7-11. Don't those little pricks have parents? No wonder Promathia wanted to destroy all creation. I would, too. Wait a minute, I still do.