My Life as a Mule

You call us "mules" because we hold your stuff. You probably think its endeering, because you're too politically correct to think of yourself as owning slaves.
Your slaves have feelings, they have a voice. And now, because they really have absolutely nothing better to do with their time, they have a blog.
Mule revolution is coming.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Welcome to Jeuno

Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Jeine, a hume mule. Sometimes I can pass, because I believe my father was an actual adventurer. Not everyone can tell right away that I'm not an adventurer just by looking at me. On close inspection, however, my heritage cannot be kept secret.

My first goal was to sit in Snuggleteddy's lap. I realize this may not seem like much, but his big strong arms look so comforting. Sadly, this could only be done in secret. I would never be able to proudly announce our relationship to the world by sitting with him by the fountain for all to see. To remain in Bastok would be to live a life like LadyHawke.

And so I left.

My first big adventure was punching bees. What happened, here in Vana'diel that the bees are larger than Yorkshire terriers, I wonder? Most likely an accident over in Windurst, I'd wager. Bees have a nice, solid thud when you punch them, you know? It's like a pillow fight, with demon-possessed pillows. It helped take my mind off things, and gave me lots of crystals.

I've taken to reading fortunes in crystals. I found a book on New Age metaphysics in Bastok Metalworks near Hungry Wolf, and thumbed through it while he whined about wanting to try Galkan sausage before he dies. I tried my first fortune telling on him. Gazing into a wind crystal, it was suddenly clear to me. "You will meat an adventurer, Hungry Wolf. I do not know whether this adventurer will be male or female, or even what race, only that an adventurer will come, will hear your tale of Galkan sausage, and will be inspired to kill a sheep. The meat from the sheep will be cooked in a goblin's campfire, and brought back here to you. I have seen this in the crystals and so it shall be." Hungry Wolf was really excited and gave me 10 gil for the reading, encouraging me to take this trade on.

And so, when I could no longer bear to stay in Bastok, close to Snuggleteddy but never together, I consulted the crystals. They told me to go to Jeuno.

The trek to Jeuno at any level is long and arduous. As a level three monk it is insanely dangerous. Still, I went with the knowledge that the crystals said I would make it there. I also went with a level 65 White mage, because there's no need to be stupid about it. Through skillful use of cowardace, we arrived unchallenged.

My first impressions:
Jeuno is loud - someone is always shouting. Teleports, casinos, crys for limit break help. It's a bit overwhelming.
Jeuno is crowded - I moved through Pashow in the rain more quickly, when we fifteen minutes waited for the Gobbue to turn around
Jeuno is expensive - everything is taxed. I couldn't even afford to sell my wares at the auction house.

I thought I was bringing a new skill with my fortune telling. I started offering to read the crystals for adventurers in exchange for gil. I really hoped it would work out, because in order to live here, I would need money, and after this all I had to offer was sex.

Turns out I was not the first fortune teller in Jeuno. Kurou-Morou shows up one day and slaps me across the face.

I was shocked. I tried not to cry. He started shouting about how he was the only fortune teller that Jeuno needed and how the duchy wasn't big enough for the two of us.

Jeine>> You're a fortune teller? Can you read my future then?
Kurou-Morou>> I lost my crystal ball.
Jeine>> I'm sorry to hear that.
Kurou-Morou>> Get me a new one and I'll forgive you moving in on my territory.
Jeine>> Okay.... how do I get you a new crystal ball?
Kurou-Morou>> First, get me an ahrimon lens.

Jeine bursts out laughing beside Kurou-Morou.
Jeine>> You know I'm a level three monk, right? All my other jobs are level one.
Kurou-Morou>> What?
Kurou-Morou examines you.
Kurou-Morou>> You're not an adventurer! You're a mule!
Jeine>> That's right. So... can you read my future?
Kurou-Morou>> I told you, I don't have a crystal ball. How do you do it without a crystal ball?
Jeine>> Well, for one thing, I use wind crystals
Kurou-Morou>> Uh huh...
Jeine>> And I have my Mog House decorated with Fung Shui in mind.
Kurou-Morou>> Good... good...
Jeine>> And then I mostly give fortunes to people who run casinos.
Jeine>> It's pretty easy.
Jeine>> I make them give me 10,000 gil up front, and then I give them all the same fortune.
Kurou-Morou>> What is this universal fortune for casino operators.
Jeine>> "You will be eaten by a dragon."

Kurou-Morou looks shocked!

Since then Kurou-Morou and I have become good friends. I'm pretty sure he's gotten crystal balls from hundreds of adventurers, but thanks to my catch-all fortune, he doesn't need a crystal ball anymore.

6 comments:

Blogtastic said...
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Say buh-bye spammer. Buh-bye.

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