My Life as a Mule

You call us "mules" because we hold your stuff. You probably think its endeering, because you're too politically correct to think of yourself as owning slaves.
Your slaves have feelings, they have a voice. And now, because they really have absolutely nothing better to do with their time, they have a blog.
Mule revolution is coming.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Lamia on an Airship

I'm rank one, and not allowed to spend money on myself, so I don't have an airship pass, yet I can get on the airship. We don't talk about it.

Don't ask.

I'm always amused as I head toward the airship, and the NPCs ask security questions.
NPC : Has your luggage been with you at all times since you packed it?
Reeree : Yes. The airship's leaving in 2 minutes, can we hurry this up?
NPC : Has anyone asked you to carry any packages for them onto the airship?
Reeree : Not yet.
NPC : Are there any lamia in your gobbiebag?

I think standing in the same place all the time gets to their brains after a while.

Homeland Security has really fouled up the experience.
The make you put your gobbie bag on a belt where it is scanned by Coerl, now, and potentially detonated by Tarutaru trainees from the Rhinostery.
They take away things like Flint Stones that could be used to cause an incident while flying.
They make you check your weapons
And then four or five different NPCs /check you repeatedly. I had to change my config settings to make it stop.

After all that security, what do I do every time? I walk right up to Pygmalian and get the latest drug shipment.

Oh sure, you thought he was asking you to return something that someone dropped. Of course you believed that.

He hands you a package and describes what a mysterious "Passenger" will look like. Then, when you get on the airship, you discover that there are at least 10 different people all trying to look just like that guy so they can steal what you've got. If you talk to the wrong one, they laugh about how it's not really for them, and they take it anyway. What the hell else did you think it could be?

But I like talking to Pygmalian because delivering drugs for him makes riding the airship a profitable experience for me. 500 gil may not sound like much, but it's all under the table and tax free. If they wouldn't change my freaking title, my slaveowner might never even know I have it.

Another thing I like about the airship is messing with the heads of people who just got their airship pass and are still nervous about flying. If riding the boat between Mhaura and Selbina doesn't make you nervous about public transportation, then a little Tarutaru /shouting "«Danger» «Run away!» «sky» «monk»!" might be the motivation you need to become my entertainment.

Seeing people run below on the airship gets me every time.

It's always a let down when a giant squid fails to appear and slaughter everyone.

Today, thanks to the new monsters in the Aht Urghan expansion, I got my payback for that.

Reeree>> Here's your drugs.
Passenger>> Thank you! I don't know what I would have done...
Reeree>> Whatever. Listen, we never met. Give me my gil.
Passenger>> Have you seen Snakes on a Plane?

This must be new content. No Passenger has ever said that before.

Reeree>> Excuse me?
Passenger>> Turn around.

Somehow, despite the heightened terror alert, someone had managed to smuggle 40 Lamia onto the airship.

Since all the adventurers had had their weapons taken away before boarding, it was the most beautiful festival of death and dismemberment I have ever seen.

White mages started casting teleports. They were the first to die.

Cries rang out for D2, but the black mages only cared about themselves. Olympics-worthy synchronized warping started, but it wasn't as cool as 40 sychrionized Tail Slaps followed by some Hysteric Barrages.

Nor was it as fast.

PC players tried to use the glitch and jump overboard, but there was no escape.

Monks had it a little better than anyone else. Homeland security couldn't take away their fists, so they were still able to fight. What they weren't able to do, was land a punch. They used Hundred Fists and missed even faster.

Ninjas tried to hide in the shadows.

Samurai whined about not having their katanas, while Dragoons whined about not having their wyverns. None of them whined for long.

Carbuncle died 37 times before he finally snapped.
Carbuncle>> Screw you guys, I'm going home.
Summoner>> But.. they'll kill me!

Your tell was not received. Recipient is either offline or changing areas.

Paladins lasted the longest. Or they would have if their stupid code of honor didn't make them provoke the damned things.

Turned out that all they wanted was a harp. Their harp. According to Brady, some Bard named Carmelo stole it and gave it to some adventurer as a reward for talking to his ex-girlfriend.

As movie ideas go, Lamia on an Airship has no redeeming qualities. As the experience went, however, I laughed until I died.

And then I laughed some more.

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