New events bring down the server with lag as everyone feels compelled to collect the latest Storage -1 and shouts to the world what random piece of junk they want to deliver to a moogle.
And then there's the same old events that everybody already obsessed over last year.
Moogle>> Take this lame katana, kupo, and go get the bejesus beaten out of you by possessed armor!
Reeree>> Didn't this happen last year?
Moogle>> This is totally different, kupo. This time it's not posessed, it was stolen by pirates.
Reeree>> Yeah... I'm thinking you don't really want it back, then.
Moogle>> It's a national treasure, kupo.
Reeree>> What about me suggests "Civic minded" to you?
Moogle>> Come on, kupo, it'll be fun!
Reeree>> For whom?
Moogle>> Why, for me, kupo!
Reeree>> Right.
Moogle>> Moogles don't have cable, kupo. We have to make our own fun.
Reeree>> Thanks for the stick.
Hey look, there's some armor running around by itself. I mean, on a pirate. I'd chase it, but I'm not a dog.
Mules are stubborn like that.
Maybe if I throw the stick, the armor will chase it.
Reeree throws away a Lotus Katana.
Guess not.
Aw, there's some adventurers chasing it. I mean dying.
Reeree cheers DeadGuy on!
Don't start on the fabulous prizes. Your mog safe is overflowing with the fabulous prizes from last year that you haven't touched in all this time, but you never missed an opportunity to whine about having no space. You don't need any freaking mocci.
It's not my fault it takes you two hours to change clothes.
Friday, April 28, 2006
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Lamia on an Airship
I'm rank one, and not allowed to spend money on myself, so I don't have an airship pass, yet I can get on the airship. We don't talk about it.
Don't ask.
I'm always amused as I head toward the airship, and the NPCs ask security questions.
NPC : Has your luggage been with you at all times since you packed it?
Reeree : Yes. The airship's leaving in 2 minutes, can we hurry this up?
NPC : Has anyone asked you to carry any packages for them onto the airship?
Reeree : Not yet.
NPC : Are there any lamia in your gobbiebag?
I think standing in the same place all the time gets to their brains after a while.
Homeland Security has really fouled up the experience.
The make you put your gobbie bag on a belt where it is scanned by Coerl, now, and potentially detonated by Tarutaru trainees from the Rhinostery.
They take away things like Flint Stones that could be used to cause an incident while flying.
They make you check your weapons
And then four or five different NPCs /check you repeatedly. I had to change my config settings to make it stop.
After all that security, what do I do every time? I walk right up to Pygmalian and get the latest drug shipment.
Oh sure, you thought he was asking you to return something that someone dropped. Of course you believed that.
He hands you a package and describes what a mysterious "Passenger" will look like. Then, when you get on the airship, you discover that there are at least 10 different people all trying to look just like that guy so they can steal what you've got. If you talk to the wrong one, they laugh about how it's not really for them, and they take it anyway. What the hell else did you think it could be?
But I like talking to Pygmalian because delivering drugs for him makes riding the airship a profitable experience for me. 500 gil may not sound like much, but it's all under the table and tax free. If they wouldn't change my freaking title, my slaveowner might never even know I have it.
Another thing I like about the airship is messing with the heads of people who just got their airship pass and are still nervous about flying. If riding the boat between Mhaura and Selbina doesn't make you nervous about public transportation, then a little Tarutaru /shouting "«Danger» «Run away!» «sky» «monk»!" might be the motivation you need to become my entertainment.
Seeing people run below on the airship gets me every time.
It's always a let down when a giant squid fails to appear and slaughter everyone.
Today, thanks to the new monsters in the Aht Urghan expansion, I got my payback for that.
Reeree>> Here's your drugs.
Passenger>> Thank you! I don't know what I would have done...
Reeree>> Whatever. Listen, we never met. Give me my gil.
Passenger>> Have you seen Snakes on a Plane?
This must be new content. No Passenger has ever said that before.
Reeree>> Excuse me?
Passenger>> Turn around.
Somehow, despite the heightened terror alert, someone had managed to smuggle 40 Lamia onto the airship.
Since all the adventurers had had their weapons taken away before boarding, it was the most beautiful festival of death and dismemberment I have ever seen.
White mages started casting teleports. They were the first to die.
Cries rang out for D2, but the black mages only cared about themselves. Olympics-worthy synchronized warping started, but it wasn't as cool as 40 sychrionized Tail Slaps followed by some Hysteric Barrages.
Nor was it as fast.
PC players tried to use the glitch and jump overboard, but there was no escape.
Monks had it a little better than anyone else. Homeland security couldn't take away their fists, so they were still able to fight. What they weren't able to do, was land a punch. They used Hundred Fists and missed even faster.
Ninjas tried to hide in the shadows.
Samurai whined about not having their katanas, while Dragoons whined about not having their wyverns. None of them whined for long.
Carbuncle died 37 times before he finally snapped.
Carbuncle>> Screw you guys, I'm going home.
Summoner>> But.. they'll kill me!
Your tell was not received. Recipient is either offline or changing areas.
Paladins lasted the longest. Or they would have if their stupid code of honor didn't make them provoke the damned things.
Turned out that all they wanted was a harp. Their harp. According to Brady, some Bard named Carmelo stole it and gave it to some adventurer as a reward for talking to his ex-girlfriend.
As movie ideas go, Lamia on an Airship has no redeeming qualities. As the experience went, however, I laughed until I died.
And then I laughed some more.
Don't ask.
I'm always amused as I head toward the airship, and the NPCs ask security questions.
NPC : Has your luggage been with you at all times since you packed it?
Reeree : Yes. The airship's leaving in 2 minutes, can we hurry this up?
NPC : Has anyone asked you to carry any packages for them onto the airship?
Reeree : Not yet.
NPC : Are there any lamia in your gobbiebag?
I think standing in the same place all the time gets to their brains after a while.
Homeland Security has really fouled up the experience.
The make you put your gobbie bag on a belt where it is scanned by Coerl, now, and potentially detonated by Tarutaru trainees from the Rhinostery.
They take away things like Flint Stones that could be used to cause an incident while flying.
They make you check your weapons
And then four or five different NPCs /check you repeatedly. I had to change my config settings to make it stop.
After all that security, what do I do every time? I walk right up to Pygmalian and get the latest drug shipment.
Oh sure, you thought he was asking you to return something that someone dropped. Of course you believed that.
He hands you a package and describes what a mysterious "Passenger" will look like. Then, when you get on the airship, you discover that there are at least 10 different people all trying to look just like that guy so they can steal what you've got. If you talk to the wrong one, they laugh about how it's not really for them, and they take it anyway. What the hell else did you think it could be?
But I like talking to Pygmalian because delivering drugs for him makes riding the airship a profitable experience for me. 500 gil may not sound like much, but it's all under the table and tax free. If they wouldn't change my freaking title, my slaveowner might never even know I have it.
Another thing I like about the airship is messing with the heads of people who just got their airship pass and are still nervous about flying. If riding the boat between Mhaura and Selbina doesn't make you nervous about public transportation, then a little Tarutaru /shouting "«Danger» «Run away!» «sky» «monk»!" might be the motivation you need to become my entertainment.
Seeing people run below on the airship gets me every time.
It's always a let down when a giant squid fails to appear and slaughter everyone.
Today, thanks to the new monsters in the Aht Urghan expansion, I got my payback for that.
Reeree>> Here's your drugs.
Passenger>> Thank you! I don't know what I would have done...
Reeree>> Whatever. Listen, we never met. Give me my gil.
Passenger>> Have you seen Snakes on a Plane?
This must be new content. No Passenger has ever said that before.
Reeree>> Excuse me?
Passenger>> Turn around.
Somehow, despite the heightened terror alert, someone had managed to smuggle 40 Lamia onto the airship.
Since all the adventurers had had their weapons taken away before boarding, it was the most beautiful festival of death and dismemberment I have ever seen.
White mages started casting teleports. They were the first to die.
Cries rang out for D2, but the black mages only cared about themselves. Olympics-worthy synchronized warping started, but it wasn't as cool as 40 sychrionized Tail Slaps followed by some Hysteric Barrages.
Nor was it as fast.
PC players tried to use the glitch and jump overboard, but there was no escape.
Monks had it a little better than anyone else. Homeland security couldn't take away their fists, so they were still able to fight. What they weren't able to do, was land a punch. They used Hundred Fists and missed even faster.
Ninjas tried to hide in the shadows.
Samurai whined about not having their katanas, while Dragoons whined about not having their wyverns. None of them whined for long.
Carbuncle died 37 times before he finally snapped.
Carbuncle>> Screw you guys, I'm going home.
Summoner>> But.. they'll kill me!
Your tell was not received. Recipient is either offline or changing areas.
Paladins lasted the longest. Or they would have if their stupid code of honor didn't make them provoke the damned things.
Turned out that all they wanted was a harp. Their harp. According to Brady, some Bard named Carmelo stole it and gave it to some adventurer as a reward for talking to his ex-girlfriend.
As movie ideas go, Lamia on an Airship has no redeeming qualities. As the experience went, however, I laughed until I died.
And then I laughed some more.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
One hit wonders
I've heard that everyone wants to have bards in their parties. Why?
For the love of Altana, why?
Those guys are annoying as all get out. They only know like 5 songs. Even when their spell list is full, they only know 5 songs. They have as much variety as Taco Bell.
And they sing like they are adults in It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. Totally creepy.
You know why Threnody gets so much hate? Because the monsters are freaking sick of hearing the same old songs over and over again.
I saw a party of 5 bards and a warrior, once. I can't ever unsee that.
Thom : OHMIGAWD! A Bumblebee! OY!
Jai : EEEEK! I just peed!
Kyan : Those things are totally unhygenic.
Kyan : I have to brush my hair and use some Crest Whitestrips now.
Ted : I bet it has honey! Mmmm. Honey.
Carson : Ohh, let's make the straight guy fight it,
Kyan : and then maybe moisturize.
Carson : and then cover him with honey!
StraightGalka : ..........
Carson : I get the honey, but where's the bumble bee holding the pot?
Carson : Oh, I bed I know!
StraightGalka : ..........
I had to cast Stone on myself twice to escape that.
But despite the horror, I see bards as an opportunity.
No, not that kind of opportunity, I'm a girl.
You see, I've got MP3s, and I've got ideas. When the pied pipers stroll through Windurst Woods, I want to hear them humming Cold Play, Dave Matthews, Jack Johnson, Barry White... Genesis, for Altana's sake, anything but that wretched moaning ballad they're so fond of.
Yes, I want to sell the bards ringtones. Everybody loves ringtones, right? And you have to be filthy rich to be a bard in the first place, so why not throw some of that disposable income my way?
I get money, bards get actual music. The people in their parties get down, get down, and do a little dance. Everybody wins.
For the love of Altana, why?
Those guys are annoying as all get out. They only know like 5 songs. Even when their spell list is full, they only know 5 songs. They have as much variety as Taco Bell.
And they sing like they are adults in It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. Totally creepy.
You know why Threnody gets so much hate? Because the monsters are freaking sick of hearing the same old songs over and over again.
I saw a party of 5 bards and a warrior, once. I can't ever unsee that.
Thom : OHMIGAWD! A Bumblebee! OY!
Jai : EEEEK! I just peed!
Kyan : Those things are totally unhygenic.
Kyan : I have to brush my hair and use some Crest Whitestrips now.
Ted : I bet it has honey! Mmmm. Honey.
Carson : Ohh, let's make the straight guy fight it,
Kyan : and then maybe moisturize.
Carson : and then cover him with honey!
StraightGalka : ..........
Carson : I get the honey, but where's the bumble bee holding the pot?
Carson : Oh, I bed I know!
StraightGalka : ..........
I had to cast Stone on myself twice to escape that.
But despite the horror, I see bards as an opportunity.
No, not that kind of opportunity, I'm a girl.
You see, I've got MP3s, and I've got ideas. When the pied pipers stroll through Windurst Woods, I want to hear them humming Cold Play, Dave Matthews, Jack Johnson, Barry White... Genesis, for Altana's sake, anything but that wretched moaning ballad they're so fond of.
Yes, I want to sell the bards ringtones. Everybody loves ringtones, right? And you have to be filthy rich to be a bard in the first place, so why not throw some of that disposable income my way?
I get money, bards get actual music. The people in their parties get down, get down, and do a little dance. Everybody wins.
Monday, April 24, 2006
One bird feather
You've probably heard about that guy who wants to buy a house with a paper clip. I hate that guy. I don't know why this is news, nor why everything thinks this is an original idea. It's been done. Maybe not from his two exact endpoint items, but the concept is unoriginal.
But if it works for him, then I don't see why I shouldn't cash in on the crazy.
My master told me she wants an enfeebling torque. I told her I want a pony. How's it feel to want?
I've got a bird feather. A single pretty bird feather. I really don't care what you might want to use it for, just that you have something interesting to trade me for it. If I like what you have to trade, we can get together.
I expect it will take me a while, but I want to try to trade up from a bird feather to an enfeebling torque. Let me know what you got.
And because we're all about beating dead horses, Meroduin plans to do the same thing for his boss, except he wants to trade up from a pebble to a monster signa.
Leave comments about what you've got to trade for what, and we'll tell you how much we hate you.
That was my out loud voice again, wasn't it?
The challenge is out, the only way for it to fail is if you suck.
Go.
[Offer limited to residents of Bahamut server only. No purchase necessary. All trades are final. Trading is at the sole discretion of us. Your rediculous little opinions have been noted. All your base are belong to us. Void where prohibited. WorldPass not included. Offer not valid to Galka or any male in subligar. Do not cast spells when you do not have MP. User assumes full responsibility for application and possible rejection thereof. No substitutions. Warning: food will be hot after cooking.]
But if it works for him, then I don't see why I shouldn't cash in on the crazy.
My master told me she wants an enfeebling torque. I told her I want a pony. How's it feel to want?
I've got a bird feather. A single pretty bird feather. I really don't care what you might want to use it for, just that you have something interesting to trade me for it. If I like what you have to trade, we can get together.
I expect it will take me a while, but I want to try to trade up from a bird feather to an enfeebling torque. Let me know what you got.
And because we're all about beating dead horses, Meroduin plans to do the same thing for his boss, except he wants to trade up from a pebble to a monster signa.
Leave comments about what you've got to trade for what, and we'll tell you how much we hate you.
That was my out loud voice again, wasn't it?
The challenge is out, the only way for it to fail is if you suck.
Go.
[Offer limited to residents of Bahamut server only. No purchase necessary. All trades are final. Trading is at the sole discretion of us. Your rediculous little opinions have been noted. All your base are belong to us. Void where prohibited. WorldPass not included. Offer not valid to Galka or any male in subligar. Do not cast spells when you do not have MP. User assumes full responsibility for application and possible rejection thereof. No substitutions. Warning: food will be hot after cooking.]
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Linkshell drama
One good thing about being a mule, our linkshell doesn't have any freaking drama.
We used to have drama, but that was back when there were still players on this linkshell. Back before they got all grown up and joined End Game linkshells. Now it's just us mules, and apart from my plans to empower the proletariat, it's blissfully quiet.
Adventurers don't get it this good.
LSMember>> Is the White Mage mad at me?
Reeree>> Is he talking to you?
LSMember>> No.
Reeree>> Then he's not mad at you.
<Reeree> Why the hell are we whispering, anyway?
It comes down to a matter of quality vs quantity. A linkshell can't get much done if you're too picky about who you let in. If there's nobody in it that makes you want to stab out your own eyes, then you probably don't have enough members to do a Garrison.
If you've got enough people, say, to do a Dynamis run, you have to allow for a few complete tards mixed in with the bunch.
<LSTard> OMGWTFBBQ! Y WONT U BUY ME MEH AFG?
<LSDude1> Who ARE you?
Or
<LSTard> U GUYS NEVAH DO WHA I WANNA DO!!
<LSDude2> Let me explain....
<LSDude2> There is too much, let me sum up.
<LSDude2> We already had an event planned for tonight
<LSDude2> It was on the LS message every time you logged in for the last two weeks
<LSDude2> It was on the LS BBS for a month
<LSDude2> We've been talking about it on the LS all day
<LSDude2> You didn't schedule your event at all, anywhere.
<LSDude2> You just asked if people would do it right now, and we're all busy.
<LSDude2> We'd be happy to do your event if you had actually planned it in advance
<LSTard> UR RACIST!
<LSDude2> o.O
<LSTard> Y WONT NE1 HEWP ME?
<LSDude1> No, seriously, who ARE you?
My linkshell doesn't have any of that. My linkshell, if you don't count Squirt, is completely tard free. Don't you wish you were a mule, too?
We used to have drama, but that was back when there were still players on this linkshell. Back before they got all grown up and joined End Game linkshells. Now it's just us mules, and apart from my plans to empower the proletariat, it's blissfully quiet.
Adventurers don't get it this good.
LSMember>> Is the White Mage mad at me?
Reeree>> Is he talking to you?
LSMember>> No.
Reeree>> Then he's not mad at you.
<Reeree> Why the hell are we whispering, anyway?
It comes down to a matter of quality vs quantity. A linkshell can't get much done if you're too picky about who you let in. If there's nobody in it that makes you want to stab out your own eyes, then you probably don't have enough members to do a Garrison.
If you've got enough people, say, to do a Dynamis run, you have to allow for a few complete tards mixed in with the bunch.
<LSTard> OMGWTFBBQ! Y WONT U BUY ME MEH AFG?
<LSDude1> Who ARE you?
Or
<LSTard> U GUYS NEVAH DO WHA I WANNA DO!!
<LSDude2> Let me explain....
<LSDude2> There is too much, let me sum up.
<LSDude2> We already had an event planned for tonight
<LSDude2> It was on the LS message every time you logged in for the last two weeks
<LSDude2> It was on the LS BBS for a month
<LSDude2> We've been talking about it on the LS all day
<LSDude2> You didn't schedule your event at all, anywhere.
<LSDude2> You just asked if people would do it right now, and we're all busy.
<LSDude2> We'd be happy to do your event if you had actually planned it in advance
<LSTard> UR RACIST!
<LSDude2> o.O
<LSTard> Y WONT NE1 HEWP ME?
<LSDude1> No, seriously, who ARE you?
My linkshell doesn't have any of that. My linkshell, if you don't count Squirt, is completely tard free. Don't you wish you were a mule, too?
Friday, April 21, 2006
Vana'diel recruitment program
Are you a downtrodden mule who seeks to better his lot in life?
Do you dream of being a real adventurer?
Would you appreciate getting to use the gil you earn on yourself instead of handing it over to a slaveowner?
Wouldn't you rather that your inventory spaces hold your stuff, instead of junk for your master?
If you answered yes to the above questions, you might be able to join my revolution.
For the dream of a society where mules are equal to become reality, all mules must stand together with their onion weapons and fight for their liberty. Social changes do not come about without hardship, sacrifice, and carnage, and cannon fodder is a step up in life for most of you.
We're looking for a few good men.
Or women.
Or just some people who, if not good, don't completely suck.
Let's review the merits and flaws of those I've got signed on to this revolution so far:
Squirt:
Merits - Cheerful positive attitude makes people like her
Flaws - Head full of cotton candy, I think she sniffs animal glue at the auction house
Snuggleteddy:
Merits - Has the cash to fund the revolution, has a really big sword
Flaws - Puts the dumb in Galka, listens to Mithra
Jeine:
Merits - Operates out of centrally located Chicago O'Hare... I mean Jeuno, Hume, can sometimes pass as an adventurer.
Flaws - New age freak with no true marketable skills
Meroduin:
Merits - Possibly the smartest mule on the team, certainly the highest rank and level, lots of gil
Flaws - Arrogant as any San D'Orian Elvaan, miserly, lazier than a Windurstian Tarutaru shopkeeper, an ultimately uncaring of advancing himself
Terylieze:
Merits - Mithra (knuckle-draggers get stupid over cat-girls)
Flaws - Mithra (being bat-shit insane is a prerequisite), her speaking is a constant reminder that Bastok (industrial wastland of Vana'diel) is really New Jersey
Butcherboy
Merits - He has meat, and it takes lots of food to supply an army, and he's also literate
Flaws - Flamable... maybe that should go under merits?
So... we need your help. If not you, then someone better than you.
Sign up by telling us in 100 words or less
A) Who you are
B) What you think you can contribute toward the cause
Do you dream of being a real adventurer?
Would you appreciate getting to use the gil you earn on yourself instead of handing it over to a slaveowner?
Wouldn't you rather that your inventory spaces hold your stuff, instead of junk for your master?
If you answered yes to the above questions, you might be able to join my revolution.
For the dream of a society where mules are equal to become reality, all mules must stand together with their onion weapons and fight for their liberty. Social changes do not come about without hardship, sacrifice, and carnage, and cannon fodder is a step up in life for most of you.
We're looking for a few good men.
Or women.
Or just some people who, if not good, don't completely suck.
Let's review the merits and flaws of those I've got signed on to this revolution so far:
Squirt:
Merits - Cheerful positive attitude makes people like her
Flaws - Head full of cotton candy, I think she sniffs animal glue at the auction house
Snuggleteddy:
Merits - Has the cash to fund the revolution, has a really big sword
Flaws - Puts the dumb in Galka, listens to Mithra
Jeine:
Merits - Operates out of centrally located Chicago O'Hare... I mean Jeuno, Hume, can sometimes pass as an adventurer.
Flaws - New age freak with no true marketable skills
Meroduin:
Merits - Possibly the smartest mule on the team, certainly the highest rank and level, lots of gil
Flaws - Arrogant as any San D'Orian Elvaan, miserly, lazier than a Windurstian Tarutaru shopkeeper, an ultimately uncaring of advancing himself
Terylieze:
Merits - Mithra (knuckle-draggers get stupid over cat-girls)
Flaws - Mithra (being bat-shit insane is a prerequisite), her speaking is a constant reminder that Bastok (industrial wastland of Vana'diel) is really New Jersey
Butcherboy
Merits - He has meat, and it takes lots of food to supply an army, and he's also literate
Flaws - Flamable... maybe that should go under merits?
So... we need your help. If not you, then someone better than you.
Sign up by telling us in 100 words or less
A) Who you are
B) What you think you can contribute toward the cause
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Welcome to Jeuno
Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Jeine, a hume mule. Sometimes I can pass, because I believe my father was an actual adventurer. Not everyone can tell right away that I'm not an adventurer just by looking at me. On close inspection, however, my heritage cannot be kept secret.
My first goal was to sit in Snuggleteddy's lap. I realize this may not seem like much, but his big strong arms look so comforting. Sadly, this could only be done in secret. I would never be able to proudly announce our relationship to the world by sitting with him by the fountain for all to see. To remain in Bastok would be to live a life like LadyHawke.
And so I left.
My first big adventure was punching bees. What happened, here in Vana'diel that the bees are larger than Yorkshire terriers, I wonder? Most likely an accident over in Windurst, I'd wager. Bees have a nice, solid thud when you punch them, you know? It's like a pillow fight, with demon-possessed pillows. It helped take my mind off things, and gave me lots of crystals.
I've taken to reading fortunes in crystals. I found a book on New Age metaphysics in Bastok Metalworks near Hungry Wolf, and thumbed through it while he whined about wanting to try Galkan sausage before he dies. I tried my first fortune telling on him. Gazing into a wind crystal, it was suddenly clear to me. "You will meat an adventurer, Hungry Wolf. I do not know whether this adventurer will be male or female, or even what race, only that an adventurer will come, will hear your tale of Galkan sausage, and will be inspired to kill a sheep. The meat from the sheep will be cooked in a goblin's campfire, and brought back here to you. I have seen this in the crystals and so it shall be." Hungry Wolf was really excited and gave me 10 gil for the reading, encouraging me to take this trade on.
And so, when I could no longer bear to stay in Bastok, close to Snuggleteddy but never together, I consulted the crystals. They told me to go to Jeuno.
The trek to Jeuno at any level is long and arduous. As a level three monk it is insanely dangerous. Still, I went with the knowledge that the crystals said I would make it there. I also went with a level 65 White mage, because there's no need to be stupid about it. Through skillful use of cowardace, we arrived unchallenged.
My first impressions:
Jeuno is loud - someone is always shouting. Teleports, casinos, crys for limit break help. It's a bit overwhelming.
Jeuno is crowded - I moved through Pashow in the rain more quickly, when we fifteen minutes waited for the Gobbue to turn around
Jeuno is expensive - everything is taxed. I couldn't even afford to sell my wares at the auction house.
I thought I was bringing a new skill with my fortune telling. I started offering to read the crystals for adventurers in exchange for gil. I really hoped it would work out, because in order to live here, I would need money, and after this all I had to offer was sex.
Turns out I was not the first fortune teller in Jeuno. Kurou-Morou shows up one day and slaps me across the face.
I was shocked. I tried not to cry. He started shouting about how he was the only fortune teller that Jeuno needed and how the duchy wasn't big enough for the two of us.
Jeine>> You're a fortune teller? Can you read my future then?
Kurou-Morou>> I lost my crystal ball.
Jeine>> I'm sorry to hear that.
Kurou-Morou>> Get me a new one and I'll forgive you moving in on my territory.
Jeine>> Okay.... how do I get you a new crystal ball?
Kurou-Morou>> First, get me an ahrimon lens.
Jeine bursts out laughing beside Kurou-Morou.
Jeine>> You know I'm a level three monk, right? All my other jobs are level one.
Kurou-Morou>> What?
Kurou-Morou examines you.
Kurou-Morou>> You're not an adventurer! You're a mule!
Jeine>> That's right. So... can you read my future?
Kurou-Morou>> I told you, I don't have a crystal ball. How do you do it without a crystal ball?
Jeine>> Well, for one thing, I use wind crystals
Kurou-Morou>> Uh huh...
Jeine>> And I have my Mog House decorated with Fung Shui in mind.
Kurou-Morou>> Good... good...
Jeine>> And then I mostly give fortunes to people who run casinos.
Jeine>> It's pretty easy.
Jeine>> I make them give me 10,000 gil up front, and then I give them all the same fortune.
Kurou-Morou>> What is this universal fortune for casino operators.
Jeine>> "You will be eaten by a dragon."
Kurou-Morou looks shocked!
Since then Kurou-Morou and I have become good friends. I'm pretty sure he's gotten crystal balls from hundreds of adventurers, but thanks to my catch-all fortune, he doesn't need a crystal ball anymore.
My first goal was to sit in Snuggleteddy's lap. I realize this may not seem like much, but his big strong arms look so comforting. Sadly, this could only be done in secret. I would never be able to proudly announce our relationship to the world by sitting with him by the fountain for all to see. To remain in Bastok would be to live a life like LadyHawke.
And so I left.
My first big adventure was punching bees. What happened, here in Vana'diel that the bees are larger than Yorkshire terriers, I wonder? Most likely an accident over in Windurst, I'd wager. Bees have a nice, solid thud when you punch them, you know? It's like a pillow fight, with demon-possessed pillows. It helped take my mind off things, and gave me lots of crystals.
I've taken to reading fortunes in crystals. I found a book on New Age metaphysics in Bastok Metalworks near Hungry Wolf, and thumbed through it while he whined about wanting to try Galkan sausage before he dies. I tried my first fortune telling on him. Gazing into a wind crystal, it was suddenly clear to me. "You will meat an adventurer, Hungry Wolf. I do not know whether this adventurer will be male or female, or even what race, only that an adventurer will come, will hear your tale of Galkan sausage, and will be inspired to kill a sheep. The meat from the sheep will be cooked in a goblin's campfire, and brought back here to you. I have seen this in the crystals and so it shall be." Hungry Wolf was really excited and gave me 10 gil for the reading, encouraging me to take this trade on.
And so, when I could no longer bear to stay in Bastok, close to Snuggleteddy but never together, I consulted the crystals. They told me to go to Jeuno.
The trek to Jeuno at any level is long and arduous. As a level three monk it is insanely dangerous. Still, I went with the knowledge that the crystals said I would make it there. I also went with a level 65 White mage, because there's no need to be stupid about it. Through skillful use of cowardace, we arrived unchallenged.
My first impressions:
Jeuno is loud - someone is always shouting. Teleports, casinos, crys for limit break help. It's a bit overwhelming.
Jeuno is crowded - I moved through Pashow in the rain more quickly, when we fifteen minutes waited for the Gobbue to turn around
Jeuno is expensive - everything is taxed. I couldn't even afford to sell my wares at the auction house.
I thought I was bringing a new skill with my fortune telling. I started offering to read the crystals for adventurers in exchange for gil. I really hoped it would work out, because in order to live here, I would need money, and after this all I had to offer was sex.
Turns out I was not the first fortune teller in Jeuno. Kurou-Morou shows up one day and slaps me across the face.
I was shocked. I tried not to cry. He started shouting about how he was the only fortune teller that Jeuno needed and how the duchy wasn't big enough for the two of us.
Jeine>> You're a fortune teller? Can you read my future then?
Kurou-Morou>> I lost my crystal ball.
Jeine>> I'm sorry to hear that.
Kurou-Morou>> Get me a new one and I'll forgive you moving in on my territory.
Jeine>> Okay.... how do I get you a new crystal ball?
Kurou-Morou>> First, get me an ahrimon lens.
Jeine bursts out laughing beside Kurou-Morou.
Jeine>> You know I'm a level three monk, right? All my other jobs are level one.
Kurou-Morou>> What?
Kurou-Morou examines you.
Kurou-Morou>> You're not an adventurer! You're a mule!
Jeine>> That's right. So... can you read my future?
Kurou-Morou>> I told you, I don't have a crystal ball. How do you do it without a crystal ball?
Jeine>> Well, for one thing, I use wind crystals
Kurou-Morou>> Uh huh...
Jeine>> And I have my Mog House decorated with Fung Shui in mind.
Kurou-Morou>> Good... good...
Jeine>> And then I mostly give fortunes to people who run casinos.
Jeine>> It's pretty easy.
Jeine>> I make them give me 10,000 gil up front, and then I give them all the same fortune.
Kurou-Morou>> What is this universal fortune for casino operators.
Jeine>> "You will be eaten by a dragon."
Kurou-Morou looks shocked!
Since then Kurou-Morou and I have become good friends. I'm pretty sure he's gotten crystal balls from hundreds of adventurers, but thanks to my catch-all fortune, he doesn't need a crystal ball anymore.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
I'm the cute one!
I heard that with the new update we can meet pirates and mimes and gepeppertoes!
I love pirates! I hope they get spiffy eyepatches with shiney-winey diamonds in them! I bet they dress all in black and are dashing and romantic and just like Westley from the Princess Bride! I love the Princess Bride! I can't wait to hear the romantic macros when they use their weapon skills!
I love mimes! They're so funny! Look at me now, I'm a goblin smithy! Oh no, don't be a scaredy-cat silly-willy, it's just me! Now I'll use goblin bomb toss! Oh noes! I'm in a boxy-woxy! Kabloom!
I love gepeppertoes! Uh... What's a geppertoes?
*shudder*
Oh...
Puppets scare me.
I love pirates! I hope they get spiffy eyepatches with shiney-winey diamonds in them! I bet they dress all in black and are dashing and romantic and just like Westley from the Princess Bride! I love the Princess Bride! I can't wait to hear the romantic macros when they use their weapon skills!
I love mimes! They're so funny! Look at me now, I'm a goblin smithy! Oh no, don't be a scaredy-cat silly-willy, it's just me! Now I'll use goblin bomb toss! Oh noes! I'm in a boxy-woxy! Kabloom!
I love gepeppertoes! Uh... What's a geppertoes?
*shudder*
Oh...
Puppets scare me.
Updates suck
The worst thing about updates is that they are over too quickly. During the update, it's great. I get to kick back in my Mog House and read some Harry Potter. No one bothers me. Even the moogle is off playing poker with his friends.
Of course, none of you people being able to log in means that none of you are buying the stuff I'm supposed to be selling, so as soon as she can get back online the boss is screaming at me for slacking off. Who did you expect me to sell your 69 scorpions rings to during this time that no one could log in? If you are that impatient, sell them to an NPC. You want me to bazaar them, you got to wait until all the morons are online to buy them. Not rocket science.
And also, I could kill you with my brain.
Granted, that's only if you stood very still while I cast Stone I repeatedly, rested for MP, and repeated the whole process for like 87 days. And if you didn't cheat by using Stoneskin, Blink, or Phalanx. Also, it would speed things up if you would strip naked and maybe drink some poison potions. Terylieze could hook you up with that.
So now we have an update. Whoop dee doo. I can look forward to exciting new garbage to hold for you and... no, that's about it. Oh, wait, there's some jerk by the fountain who'll stick a green badge on me while I'm not looking if I make the mistake of talking to him, and for some reason I'm not allowed to cast Stone on him instead. But then, he was there before the expansion came out. And he smells like tacos.
I want the awesome power of Blue Magic. Can I have it? Of course not. As a mule, I'll never get to level 30, so unlocking flag quests is just an impossible dream. If I had Blue Magic, I'd already have learned the amazing abilities of Oppress, Bitch Slap, Dog Whip, Spirit Crush, Kick While Down, and many, many more. Then we'd see who likes apples and how.
So, who cares if there's a new expansion? I'll never get to see these areas of the Near East. I rarely even get to see East Sarutabaruta.
I got your Treasures of Aht Urhgan right here.
Chains of Promathia wasn't any better. I wouldn't have even noticed that there was any kind of update at all if it wasn't for all the clove cigarettes that the goth kids leave littered behind the Auction House. It's not a freaking 7-11. Don't those little pricks have parents? No wonder Promathia wanted to destroy all creation. I would, too. Wait a minute, I still do.
Of course, none of you people being able to log in means that none of you are buying the stuff I'm supposed to be selling, so as soon as she can get back online the boss is screaming at me for slacking off. Who did you expect me to sell your 69 scorpions rings to during this time that no one could log in? If you are that impatient, sell them to an NPC. You want me to bazaar them, you got to wait until all the morons are online to buy them. Not rocket science.
And also, I could kill you with my brain.
Granted, that's only if you stood very still while I cast Stone I repeatedly, rested for MP, and repeated the whole process for like 87 days. And if you didn't cheat by using Stoneskin, Blink, or Phalanx. Also, it would speed things up if you would strip naked and maybe drink some poison potions. Terylieze could hook you up with that.
So now we have an update. Whoop dee doo. I can look forward to exciting new garbage to hold for you and... no, that's about it. Oh, wait, there's some jerk by the fountain who'll stick a green badge on me while I'm not looking if I make the mistake of talking to him, and for some reason I'm not allowed to cast Stone on him instead. But then, he was there before the expansion came out. And he smells like tacos.
I want the awesome power of Blue Magic. Can I have it? Of course not. As a mule, I'll never get to level 30, so unlocking flag quests is just an impossible dream. If I had Blue Magic, I'd already have learned the amazing abilities of Oppress, Bitch Slap, Dog Whip, Spirit Crush, Kick While Down, and many, many more. Then we'd see who likes apples and how.
So, who cares if there's a new expansion? I'll never get to see these areas of the Near East. I rarely even get to see East Sarutabaruta.
I got your Treasures of Aht Urhgan right here.
Chains of Promathia wasn't any better. I wouldn't have even noticed that there was any kind of update at all if it wasn't for all the clove cigarettes that the goth kids leave littered behind the Auction House. It's not a freaking 7-11. Don't those little pricks have parents? No wonder Promathia wanted to destroy all creation. I would, too. Wait a minute, I still do.
Monday, April 17, 2006
The things he does for space
My Master, as you may have guessed, is slightly insane. He is obsessive-compulsive about collecting things for crafting, and this leads directly into how many slaves he has to keep. Also, it means that he provides the Goblin Bluffnix with quite a few unnecessarily expensive items in order to get as large a backpack as he can. While this is in itself, a noble endeavor because it keeps him out of my hair and away from my gil, it does sometimes have certain side effects.
Master, when the Gigas in Qufim Island sing songs about your Fomor-slaying, it's time to cut down. You see, Master has discovered that the Fomor MIGHT be holding some subligar or something that he needs for some quest or something to get some other item. So he's taken to killing them. What the Fomor DO drop for sure, is an ingot that Bluffnix wants for making larger, stronger Gobbiebag frames. So, Master, when all your friends and some complete strangers have shakudo ingots because of you, it's time to cut down on the Fomor killing.
When Bluffnix brings back a Wanted poster with your face on it from the Phomiuna Aqueducts labeled "Kill or Die Trying," it's time to cut down on the Fomor killing. Master, Brygid lied. The subligar she speaks of is a myth. It doesn't exist. What does exist is a sad, scared old man in Tavnazia who told me that your soul is surrounded by the angry darkness of the lost ones that you have slain and damned to an unending existence of misery and torment.
He probably shouldn't have added that the price of shakudo ingots is holding steady at the auction house, and that the Codex is worth a million in barter.
Master, try to take care of your soul, but remember your mules need gil too!
Master, when the Gigas in Qufim Island sing songs about your Fomor-slaying, it's time to cut down. You see, Master has discovered that the Fomor MIGHT be holding some subligar or something that he needs for some quest or something to get some other item. So he's taken to killing them. What the Fomor DO drop for sure, is an ingot that Bluffnix wants for making larger, stronger Gobbiebag frames. So, Master, when all your friends and some complete strangers have shakudo ingots because of you, it's time to cut down on the Fomor killing.
When Bluffnix brings back a Wanted poster with your face on it from the Phomiuna Aqueducts labeled "Kill or Die Trying," it's time to cut down on the Fomor killing. Master, Brygid lied. The subligar she speaks of is a myth. It doesn't exist. What does exist is a sad, scared old man in Tavnazia who told me that your soul is surrounded by the angry darkness of the lost ones that you have slain and damned to an unending existence of misery and torment.
He probably shouldn't have added that the price of shakudo ingots is holding steady at the auction house, and that the Codex is worth a million in barter.
Master, try to take care of your soul, but remember your mules need gil too!
The Myth of Brotherhood
The life of a mule is not a happy one.
For long stretches of time, the Master requests nothing from me. Then one day, he summons me to purchase and deliver to him a stack of some cooking ingredient that is freely available in many dominions, but would be more convenient for him if I purchased it in Lower Jeuno and sent it to him so that he could craft uninterrupted without leaving his own precious Mog House.
I obeyed, with no sense in my heart of the impending doom.
To the restaurant I went, and the purchases complete, I made my way to the Lower Jeuno auction house nearest the Mog Houses - that is to say, the crowded one. While I filled out my delivery order, I noticed a Tarutaru of uncertain gender who seemed to be burning up Gigas Socks behind me. I soon became aware of a strange and frankly odiferous scent, and realized that this insane Alchemist had somehow spilled some of the flammable materials that Gigas use to craft their stockings on my pants, and due to the immediate proximity of fire crystals, had in fact succeeded in setting my pants on fire.
But hold, they were not my pants. These pants were given to me by my Master, who demanded that I wear them at all times, unless he needed them to go fishing. My Master's pants were on fire!
I fear that I gave in to panic at that point. I sent off a hasty and poorly scrawled call for assistance to the Judges, but was told that I was 61,734th in line. I started running in terror, shouting for assistance, but the cruel and wicked denizens of Lower Jeuno merely laughed at my terrible plight. The alchemist who was responsible didn't answer at all, but when I looked back I realized that was because I had trampled him - her - it as I had run away from the auction house. Not only was I on fire, but now I was a murderer!
Someone shouted that if my pants were on fire, I should take them off. This struck me as a wise and most likely beneficial move, so I yanked them off as quickly as I could. Then I found that I was surrounded by men of unusual persuasion, among them one I easily recognized as The King of Bards.
KingOfBards >> Need any help there, big man? ^_^ See, you didn't need those pants anyway!
I ran. I am not ashamed to admit it. I ran.
And they pursued me! Yes, running after a terrified, half-naked Galka, these men of the world - adventurers - they chased me! I ran to Ru'lude Gardens, hoping to lose them in the Ducal Palace. Instead, I ran right into a Galka goldsmither who was hammering out Quadav shells in the secluded privacy of the ducal balconies.
Butcherboy: "HELP!!! They've gone mad! Mad, I tell you! In the name of brotherhood, HELP ME!"
He looked up from his work with an angry growl. I noted that he wore nothing but a Goldsmith's apron, some jeweled subligar, and a very large hammer.
MasterSmith: "SO YOU'RE THE ONE HORNING IN ON MY MAN!"
Before the confusion could sink in, his hammer had its way with my gut, and I went flying over the side of the balcony to the garden below.
The last thing I saw was my Master's face, twisted with worry and anguish. "Don't crush the millioncorn!" he cried in agony. "No one has control of that region next week!"
The life of a mule is not a happy one.
For long stretches of time, the Master requests nothing from me. Then one day, he summons me to purchase and deliver to him a stack of some cooking ingredient that is freely available in many dominions, but would be more convenient for him if I purchased it in Lower Jeuno and sent it to him so that he could craft uninterrupted without leaving his own precious Mog House.
I obeyed, with no sense in my heart of the impending doom.
To the restaurant I went, and the purchases complete, I made my way to the Lower Jeuno auction house nearest the Mog Houses - that is to say, the crowded one. While I filled out my delivery order, I noticed a Tarutaru of uncertain gender who seemed to be burning up Gigas Socks behind me. I soon became aware of a strange and frankly odiferous scent, and realized that this insane Alchemist had somehow spilled some of the flammable materials that Gigas use to craft their stockings on my pants, and due to the immediate proximity of fire crystals, had in fact succeeded in setting my pants on fire.
But hold, they were not my pants. These pants were given to me by my Master, who demanded that I wear them at all times, unless he needed them to go fishing. My Master's pants were on fire!
I fear that I gave in to panic at that point. I sent off a hasty and poorly scrawled call for assistance to the Judges, but was told that I was 61,734th in line. I started running in terror, shouting for assistance, but the cruel and wicked denizens of Lower Jeuno merely laughed at my terrible plight. The alchemist who was responsible didn't answer at all, but when I looked back I realized that was because I had trampled him - her - it as I had run away from the auction house. Not only was I on fire, but now I was a murderer!
Someone shouted that if my pants were on fire, I should take them off. This struck me as a wise and most likely beneficial move, so I yanked them off as quickly as I could. Then I found that I was surrounded by men of unusual persuasion, among them one I easily recognized as The King of Bards.
KingOfBards >> Need any help there, big man? ^_^ See, you didn't need those pants anyway!
I ran. I am not ashamed to admit it. I ran.
And they pursued me! Yes, running after a terrified, half-naked Galka, these men of the world - adventurers - they chased me! I ran to Ru'lude Gardens, hoping to lose them in the Ducal Palace. Instead, I ran right into a Galka goldsmither who was hammering out Quadav shells in the secluded privacy of the ducal balconies.
Butcherboy: "HELP!!! They've gone mad! Mad, I tell you! In the name of brotherhood, HELP ME!"
He looked up from his work with an angry growl. I noted that he wore nothing but a Goldsmith's apron, some jeweled subligar, and a very large hammer.
MasterSmith: "SO YOU'RE THE ONE HORNING IN ON MY MAN!"
Before the confusion could sink in, his hammer had its way with my gut, and I went flying over the side of the balcony to the garden below.
The last thing I saw was my Master's face, twisted with worry and anguish. "Don't crush the millioncorn!" he cried in agony. "No one has control of that region next week!"
The life of a mule is not a happy one.
Galka are annoying.
So Master sends me some instructions, something about checking ore prices and sending him some gil. I ignore the 'sending gil' part because, he'll make more. He doesn't need to dip into my stash, even if it really is his gil. He needs to learn to economize better anyway. The last time I sent him gil, he bought pants. One pair of pants. For 500,000 gil. He says they make him smarter, but if he was really that smart he could have camped the monster that drops them and gotten them WITHOUT spending 500,000 of MY GIL.
Anyway, I wander around the corner to go see what kind of ores Elementalbeads, one of my favorite tarus, is selling. As usual, Fire ores (the sandy speciality) are hot and so are Wind and Earth. I relay this information to Master, who immediately starts whining about how he needs gil. Way to reward me for a job well done, boss man! >< You get nothing. Go mine or something. I'm not giving you the gil.
Luckily, right at that moment, Snuggleteddy calls me and I tell Master to hold on while I take the Galka call. Master mutters something about 'booty' so he's I guess going to attack Pirates or something. Who knows. He's gone for now, that's all that matters.
Snuggles just wants to brag about how much gil he earned from Easter and how he has lots of chicks in his lap. I let him go on for a bit, but he can tell I'm not interested. I am slightly jealous, but hey, I could plant and earn that much gil. If I could be bothered. But I have a pile of gil that needs sitting on, so maybe I'll start growing something later this week. Who knows.
Maybe I'll walk over to Bastok and do the Warp scroll quest. That would be some good easy gil. Or maybe that crazy catgirl will finally focus long enough to get enough fame to do it herself. I like that idea better, because Master will either send it to Jeuno or whichever city is in first place to be sold - and since that will most likely be Imperialist San d'Oria, that means I get to hold the gil! /joy! And then I won't have to do any work at all! Double /joy!
Man, Master is calling again. You're not getting any of my gil, you have plenty on you. Sheesh. Go farm or something, you lazy Hume!
Anyway, I wander around the corner to go see what kind of ores Elementalbeads, one of my favorite tarus, is selling. As usual, Fire ores (the sandy speciality) are hot and so are Wind and Earth. I relay this information to Master, who immediately starts whining about how he needs gil. Way to reward me for a job well done, boss man! >< You get nothing. Go mine or something. I'm not giving you the gil.
Luckily, right at that moment, Snuggleteddy calls me and I tell Master to hold on while I take the Galka call. Master mutters something about 'booty' so he's I guess going to attack Pirates or something. Who knows. He's gone for now, that's all that matters.
Snuggles just wants to brag about how much gil he earned from Easter and how he has lots of chicks in his lap. I let him go on for a bit, but he can tell I'm not interested. I am slightly jealous, but hey, I could plant and earn that much gil. If I could be bothered. But I have a pile of gil that needs sitting on, so maybe I'll start growing something later this week. Who knows.
Maybe I'll walk over to Bastok and do the Warp scroll quest. That would be some good easy gil. Or maybe that crazy catgirl will finally focus long enough to get enough fame to do it herself. I like that idea better, because Master will either send it to Jeuno or whichever city is in first place to be sold - and since that will most likely be Imperialist San d'Oria, that means I get to hold the gil! /joy! And then I won't have to do any work at all! Double /joy!
Man, Master is calling again. You're not getting any of my gil, you have plenty on you. Sheesh. Go farm or something, you lazy Hume!
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Easter makes the ladies love me more
Chicks dig Galka. I don't know why that is, but being Galka, I don't look gift horses in the teeth.
Normally, I spend my days sitting by the fountain in Bastok. I don't talk to people much. The boss lady gives me armor and weapons she doesn't need any more, and I show them to people who come along looking for a good deal. Something about this make women flock to my lap.
Maybe it's the way I smell? My sweat's got a bit of garlic in it, and I think they like it. Then again, maybe it's not the garlic. Maybe its, like, the gil. I've always heard that chicks totally dig rich dudes, and after Easter, I'm rich.
Not legendary rich, mind you, but rich enough that I smell like money. You see, these moogles came out and started handing out eggs. I guess you're supposed to spell stuff for them, trade them back for furniture or throwing eggs. I'm pretty happy with my one rusty bucket furnishing my Mog House, and don't need to throw nothing cause I don't go outside. Ever. So I did what I always do with stuff that gets handed to me. I sold it.
I'd just been watching the first season of Lost on DVD (mules don't get cable), so I put the numbers 4 8 15 16 23 42 in my bazaar comments. Within 16 days, I earned over 42 million gil. I figure if bad luck strikes those around me, but I get richer, more chicks for me.
I know that some players are really busy, and while they want to do all the events, and collect all the stuff, they don't actually want to spend any time at it. They've got Gods to go fight, after all, and time is money. Eggs are money, too, apparently. Those nice people paid 150,000 for an "A egg".
I called Meroduin and told him about it. Told him, "Dude, I'm up to 8 hot chicks in my lap at once. You gotten get some of this." I don't think he likes the idea of chicks in his laps. "Dude, maybe one of the Taru was a dude. It's kinda hard to tell. You gotta lift them up." He hung up on me.
All I had to do was talk to the Moogle once an hour, and really fast I was getting offers 4 times a day from Fox networks to be the next stud guy on a new season of "Who wants to sit in the lap of a millionaire?" I'm so bummed Easter is over.
Normally, I spend my days sitting by the fountain in Bastok. I don't talk to people much. The boss lady gives me armor and weapons she doesn't need any more, and I show them to people who come along looking for a good deal. Something about this make women flock to my lap.
Maybe it's the way I smell? My sweat's got a bit of garlic in it, and I think they like it. Then again, maybe it's not the garlic. Maybe its, like, the gil. I've always heard that chicks totally dig rich dudes, and after Easter, I'm rich.
Not legendary rich, mind you, but rich enough that I smell like money. You see, these moogles came out and started handing out eggs. I guess you're supposed to spell stuff for them, trade them back for furniture or throwing eggs. I'm pretty happy with my one rusty bucket furnishing my Mog House, and don't need to throw nothing cause I don't go outside. Ever. So I did what I always do with stuff that gets handed to me. I sold it.
I'd just been watching the first season of Lost on DVD (mules don't get cable), so I put the numbers 4 8 15 16 23 42 in my bazaar comments. Within 16 days, I earned over 42 million gil. I figure if bad luck strikes those around me, but I get richer, more chicks for me.
I know that some players are really busy, and while they want to do all the events, and collect all the stuff, they don't actually want to spend any time at it. They've got Gods to go fight, after all, and time is money. Eggs are money, too, apparently. Those nice people paid 150,000 for an "A egg".
I called Meroduin and told him about it. Told him, "Dude, I'm up to 8 hot chicks in my lap at once. You gotten get some of this." I don't think he likes the idea of chicks in his laps. "Dude, maybe one of the Taru was a dude. It's kinda hard to tell. You gotta lift them up." He hung up on me.
All I had to do was talk to the Moogle once an hour, and really fast I was getting offers 4 times a day from Fox networks to be the next stud guy on a new season of "Who wants to sit in the lap of a millionaire?" I'm so bummed Easter is over.
Economy 101
I got sent to the Auction House to buy some bonecrafting ingredients for my master. We both live in Windurst, so there's really no reason why she can't go buy this stuff herself. Sometimes she thinks I might be hiding a demon horn in my Mog Safe that she forgot about. Once she makes me show her that I'm in possession of no such thing, she sends me off to the Auction House to buy stuff because that way the amount of gil on her own person doesn't change.
Apparently, a lot of gilbuyers were also leveling bonecrafting. The price for her ingredients had tripled. Lazy gilbuyers who have enough ill-gotten cash just pay the extortion fees, so I was going to have to tell my boss to suck it up and go farming.
As a means of putting that off, and perhaps making some quick cash of my own, I decided to play a round of "Bid 1 gil and see who doesn't understand auctions."
You pay 1 gil for the Haubergeon +1.
Wait for it.
Five.....
Four.....
Three.....
Two.....
One.....
AuctionStudent>> "OMFG! OMFG! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Blast off.
There's a part of me that says, he's learned his lesson, there's no need to torture him more. This part of me gets beaten bloody with an ash staff on a regular basis.
Reeree>> "«Thank you» for the «sweets» «Haubergeon» +1, AuctionStudent."
He was going to see my name on the price history eventually anyway.
AuctionStudent>> "You stole my Haubergeon! I want it back!"
Reeree>> "I bought your Haubergeon. It's mine now. I might just level to 59 warrior so I can wear it."
AuctionStudent>> "You only paid 1 gil!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Reeree>> "I know, isn't that awesome? I could sell it for 2 gils and make 100% profit on my investment."
AuctionStudent>> "Give it back!"
Reeree>> "I think I can sell it for more than 2, though. I bet it's worth a lot."
AuctionStudent>> "OMFG You can't buy my Haubergeon +1 for 1 gil! GIVE IT BACK!"
Reeree>> "«Um...» I just did. Apparently, that's all you thought it was worth."
Reeree>> "Not very smart of you, putting it up for sale at the Auction House for 1 gil if you didn't want someone to buy it for that price. I did you a favor, and bid what you asked."
AuctionStudent>> "I'm gonna get you banned."
Reeree>> "Call a GM, then"
Reeree>> " Let me know how that works out for you."
Reeree>> "Try not to spend your 1 gil in one place."
He must have done so, because almost instantly this GM is standing there next to us. (I had found him on the map so I could /point and /laugh to show how sincerely grateful I was for his generosity, plus I wanted to show off this bitching armor I had on sale in my bazaar). I tried to take screen shots but my boss had the PS2's file limit capped with snapshots of herself and her boyfriend riding the manaclipper. Such a wasted opportunity.
I don't know how their conversation went, but they were standing there quietly sending /tells to one another and suddenly AuctionStudent warps away. I did a search for him and he was off in some place called Uleguerand Range.
Anybody want to buy a Haubergeon +1?
Saturday, April 15, 2006
Snuggles falls down!
Master made these purple potions and told me not to drink any but Snuggleteddy wanted to try one so I gave him a few. He said they were tasty, but he was staring at my chest the entire time.
Your revolution is doomed to fail.
Reeree,
I understand your frustration with your lot in life, but if you think about it our life isn't so bad. We get all the benefits of adventuring (nice things, gil, MogHouses, etc) but without all the hard work involved. Besides. I'm far too lazy to help revolt against anyone. Let me know when the barbarians are at the gate.
Merry
I understand your frustration with your lot in life, but if you think about it our life isn't so bad. We get all the benefits of adventuring (nice things, gil, MogHouses, etc) but without all the hard work involved. Besides. I'm far too lazy to help revolt against anyone. Let me know when the barbarians are at the gate.
Merry
OMGOMGOMGLOLIhavaBLOG!
Ohmigawd like this is SOOOOOOO cool! I can't believe Reeree went and made her own blog! Like, that is just AWESOME! And she's gonna let me write in it and everything! I'm so happy I could just SQUEAL!!!!!!!
Reeree is sooooo cool! She's like all brave and everything! Wow, I hope she doesn't get in trouble for this or anything. I'm gonna go look at shiny things in the Auction House now, maybe someone will buy this stupid axe, it's soo heavy and totally doesn't match and I don't even want it. Master didn't want it either, but it was only a gil so he won the bid and now he doesn't know what to do with it so he told me to sell it but no one bought it and he totally yelled at me like it was my fault. It's a crappy axe! Personally, I think 1 gil was waaaay too much for it, but Master doesn't like to hear my opinions. he just wants me to sit around and look pretty so people will buy all his leftover crap. Whatever, he's cute sometimes so....
Ok, that's all for now, I'll try and come back and write more later, kk? Kisses!
Reeree is sooooo cool! She's like all brave and everything! Wow, I hope she doesn't get in trouble for this or anything. I'm gonna go look at shiny things in the Auction House now, maybe someone will buy this stupid axe, it's soo heavy and totally doesn't match and I don't even want it. Master didn't want it either, but it was only a gil so he won the bid and now he doesn't know what to do with it so he told me to sell it but no one bought it and he totally yelled at me like it was my fault. It's a crappy axe! Personally, I think 1 gil was waaaay too much for it, but Master doesn't like to hear my opinions. he just wants me to sit around and look pretty so people will buy all his leftover crap. Whatever, he's cute sometimes so....
Ok, that's all for now, I'll try and come back and write more later, kk? Kisses!
I hope Pichichi is orphaned
At first glance, you might not notice what a sadistic bitch Chamama is.
I talked to her, because she's sitting there behind the counter as if to run a shop. She never goes home, and her kids always off getting into trouble in that Onion club. She asked me to find her a rock. She claimed she wanted it for something to do with pickles, but I stopped listening once I heard that I give her a rock and she gives me gil.
Leaving her with a stack of pamhplets and flyers talking about the Mule Revolution, I headed out to look for a stone. By look, I mean sit in my Mog House reading webcomics until something showed up in my delivery box that I could use.
I offered her a flint stone, sarcasticly telling her she could name it Fred.
"That would chafe, dearie." she replied.
What?
Okay, whatever. She wasn't getting her hands on anything that could get listed on the Auction House under goldsmithing, so maybe I would have to try something different. Maybe I would have to go outside the city and fight monsters.
First of all, adventuring is hard work. Second of all Tarutaru black mages are not exactly well endowed in the hit point area.
Luckily I can kill monsters with my brain.
Eventually I was feeling almost confident enough to take on a Crawler. Standing back, I cast Stone. Of course I cast Stone, it's the only freaking spell I have, since slaves aren't allowed to spend gil on scrolls for their own use. Boulders flew up from the sky at the caterpillar crushing it from below.
Okay, it should have been crushed, I mean unnatural boulders pummeled it, but instead it's health bar was only marginally moved. I paniced and some nearby adventurers stopped what they were doing to watch, because they thought it was cute. Meanwhile, the bus sized bug threw up on me.
So there I am, covered in this green gunk, with my hit points ticking down now. I cast Stone again - what else was I going to do, fan it with my ash staff? I cast Stone a third time. It groaned and rolled belly-up on top of me, and I was grateful for this because I was out of MP. And HP, for that matter. Just before I faceplanted in the Crawler-vomit soaked grass of West Sarutabaruta, a smooth stone dropped into my inventory.
At least I wouldn't have to walk back in to town.
I home point, and find myself in the middle of nowhere in Windurst Waters. Slaves don't get to set home points.
A quick jog and I'm back at Chamama's place. I pull the smooth stone out of my bag and offer it to her.
"It's covered in poison from the intestines of a Crawler. I hope it kills you."
"Thank you, dearie, it's perfect."
That made me throw up a little in my mouth. I'm never eating pickles again.
"You're really going to put that nasty thing into a jar of pickles?" I asked her.
"Oh, dearie, you'll never guess what happened! I dropped that nice stone you gave me and it smashed into a million pieces. We'll just have to find another one."
Um... I was standing right here. I'd have heard it if you managed to shatter a stone by dropping it on the floor, so no you didn't. What the hell did you do with it and why are you smiling like that? Have I mentioned that I hate you?
Some time, and a number of deaths later, I am back before her with an identical smooth stone.
"It's just too big, dearie."
"I hope you drown in your own famous pickles juice."
Some time, and a number of deaths later, I am back before her with an identical smooth stone.
"It's just an eensy-weensy bit too small, dearie."
"I hope you choke to death on a pickle. Or your own vomit. Or someone else's vomit, for that matter."
Some time, and a number of deaths later, I am back before her with an identical smooth stone.
"Yes! This is perfect!"
"Don't drop it, mouth-breather."
"Oh no, you'll never guess what happened..."
No, this time I saw what happened. I'm pretty sure you shoved that rock into your own colon. That you enjoy having things shoved up there, kinda takes the fun out of the next idea I had.
She turned those doe-eyes at me, and asked me to go find her another one. I'm sorry, Chamama, but I am not your bitch. Get your own damn rocks.
I have a revolution to lead.
I talked to her, because she's sitting there behind the counter as if to run a shop. She never goes home, and her kids always off getting into trouble in that Onion club. She asked me to find her a rock. She claimed she wanted it for something to do with pickles, but I stopped listening once I heard that I give her a rock and she gives me gil.
Leaving her with a stack of pamhplets and flyers talking about the Mule Revolution, I headed out to look for a stone. By look, I mean sit in my Mog House reading webcomics until something showed up in my delivery box that I could use.
I offered her a flint stone, sarcasticly telling her she could name it Fred.
"That would chafe, dearie." she replied.
What?
Okay, whatever. She wasn't getting her hands on anything that could get listed on the Auction House under goldsmithing, so maybe I would have to try something different. Maybe I would have to go outside the city and fight monsters.
First of all, adventuring is hard work. Second of all Tarutaru black mages are not exactly well endowed in the hit point area.
Luckily I can kill monsters with my brain.
Eventually I was feeling almost confident enough to take on a Crawler. Standing back, I cast Stone. Of course I cast Stone, it's the only freaking spell I have, since slaves aren't allowed to spend gil on scrolls for their own use. Boulders flew up from the sky at the caterpillar crushing it from below.
Okay, it should have been crushed, I mean unnatural boulders pummeled it, but instead it's health bar was only marginally moved. I paniced and some nearby adventurers stopped what they were doing to watch, because they thought it was cute. Meanwhile, the bus sized bug threw up on me.
So there I am, covered in this green gunk, with my hit points ticking down now. I cast Stone again - what else was I going to do, fan it with my ash staff? I cast Stone a third time. It groaned and rolled belly-up on top of me, and I was grateful for this because I was out of MP. And HP, for that matter. Just before I faceplanted in the Crawler-vomit soaked grass of West Sarutabaruta, a smooth stone dropped into my inventory.
At least I wouldn't have to walk back in to town.
I home point, and find myself in the middle of nowhere in Windurst Waters. Slaves don't get to set home points.
A quick jog and I'm back at Chamama's place. I pull the smooth stone out of my bag and offer it to her.
"It's covered in poison from the intestines of a Crawler. I hope it kills you."
"Thank you, dearie, it's perfect."
That made me throw up a little in my mouth. I'm never eating pickles again.
"You're really going to put that nasty thing into a jar of pickles?" I asked her.
"Oh, dearie, you'll never guess what happened! I dropped that nice stone you gave me and it smashed into a million pieces. We'll just have to find another one."
Um... I was standing right here. I'd have heard it if you managed to shatter a stone by dropping it on the floor, so no you didn't. What the hell did you do with it and why are you smiling like that? Have I mentioned that I hate you?
Some time, and a number of deaths later, I am back before her with an identical smooth stone.
"It's just too big, dearie."
"I hope you drown in your own famous pickles juice."
Some time, and a number of deaths later, I am back before her with an identical smooth stone.
"It's just an eensy-weensy bit too small, dearie."
"I hope you choke to death on a pickle. Or your own vomit. Or someone else's vomit, for that matter."
Some time, and a number of deaths later, I am back before her with an identical smooth stone.
"Yes! This is perfect!"
"Don't drop it, mouth-breather."
"Oh no, you'll never guess what happened..."
No, this time I saw what happened. I'm pretty sure you shoved that rock into your own colon. That you enjoy having things shoved up there, kinda takes the fun out of the next idea I had.
She turned those doe-eyes at me, and asked me to go find her another one. I'm sorry, Chamama, but I am not your bitch. Get your own damn rocks.
I have a revolution to lead.
Friday, April 14, 2006
¡Viva la Revolución!
I'm Reeree, and I'm a mule. Isn't that such a cute little word? I may be Tarutaru, but I'm not cute. Don't ever think of me as cute, or I'll burn your Noble Bed while you sleep. Don't insult me with your political correctness. Mule is a derogatory term for an unjust station in life.
Explain to me how being referred to as an impotent cross between a horse and an ass is somehow supposed to be less offensive than the truth?
We're your slaves. In America, slavery was abolished, but in Vana'diel all it costs is $1 a month. You might like to delude yourself into thinking you aren't a filthy slave owner, but you are. Call a spade a spade.
I don't get to have my own clothes. You know what I was told? "Throw that junk away. You can't sell it, and that space could be used for more important things." More important than modesty? Propriety? More important than my self-respect?
At first it wasn't so bad. The master would go adventuring, and I'd find a pile of junk in my delivery box. When I got stacks of 12, I'd take it to the Auction House. Later I'd find gil in my delivery box. Pretty soon I was sitting on a larger pile of gil than the master ever had.
She wouldn't let me spend it.
Not even to buy something to wear. Do you have any idea how ugly Tarutaru underpants are? Seriously, just let me put something on. She eventually gave me a robe. She didn't let me buy a robe, mind you. When she aquired some skanky robe that smells like it dropped from a Yagudo, that she let me wear. To this day I still don't have pants.
Everything about my life makes me root for the Goblins.
I have a brain the size of a '96 Buick Roadmaster stationwagon and refuse to accept that holding excess crafting ingredients is the apex of my potential. I dream of freedom. I envision a world in which all mules are free, on equal status with "real" adventurers. I will lead all mules to emancipation!
Actually, I'm just saying that to get some other morons to help in my cause. I don't care about the rest of them. Truthfully, I hate them all. It's all about me. It's always been all about me.
Some day, you'll be carrying gear for me.
Explain to me how being referred to as an impotent cross between a horse and an ass is somehow supposed to be less offensive than the truth?
We're your slaves. In America, slavery was abolished, but in Vana'diel all it costs is $1 a month. You might like to delude yourself into thinking you aren't a filthy slave owner, but you are. Call a spade a spade.
I don't get to have my own clothes. You know what I was told? "Throw that junk away. You can't sell it, and that space could be used for more important things." More important than modesty? Propriety? More important than my self-respect?
At first it wasn't so bad. The master would go adventuring, and I'd find a pile of junk in my delivery box. When I got stacks of 12, I'd take it to the Auction House. Later I'd find gil in my delivery box. Pretty soon I was sitting on a larger pile of gil than the master ever had.
She wouldn't let me spend it.
Not even to buy something to wear. Do you have any idea how ugly Tarutaru underpants are? Seriously, just let me put something on. She eventually gave me a robe. She didn't let me buy a robe, mind you. When she aquired some skanky robe that smells like it dropped from a Yagudo, that she let me wear. To this day I still don't have pants.
Everything about my life makes me root for the Goblins.
I have a brain the size of a '96 Buick Roadmaster stationwagon and refuse to accept that holding excess crafting ingredients is the apex of my potential. I dream of freedom. I envision a world in which all mules are free, on equal status with "real" adventurers. I will lead all mules to emancipation!
Actually, I'm just saying that to get some other morons to help in my cause. I don't care about the rest of them. Truthfully, I hate them all. It's all about me. It's always been all about me.
Some day, you'll be carrying gear for me.
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