Do I dare disturb the universe?

I was sitting in Windurst Woods, hawking Giant Femurs outside the bonecrafting guild. I hate to agree with Terylieze, but what about 20 giant femurs is subtle?

A crazy person runs up to me, looks in my bazaar, and then offers to trade. No introductions, no foreplay, just straight to trading.

I had to know what possesses a person to do such a thing. I agreed to trade.

Suddenly I'm staring at his offer of a purple dot.

A linkpearl? Who gives away link pearls to strangers? A little voice went off inside my head and asked: What good can come from this?

I should have listened to that voice.

I clicked ok.

The little voice spoke up again. Normally it tells me to stab people in the face, but today it sang a different tune (must have bought some of my bard ring tones). It told me to just drop the pearl and be done with it.

But the curiosity was too strong. Why would he give this to me?

The voice said the linkshell would be full of stupid people, and they might leak some of their stupid on to me.

It was a risk.

I put the linkpearl up to my ear and listened.

<Player1> Why'd you run?
<Player1> Never run in Dynamis, you idiot!
<Player1> There's nowhere TO run!

They gave a Dynamis linkpearl to a level 5 black mage with no subjob? Ignoring the pain of how stupid that is, I decided to listen more and find out what it is my master does in there. FIltering out the retarded, I might be able to learn something. I almost believed that.

<Player2> WTF?
<Player2> Raise 1? WTF?
<Player3> I'm a red mage, that's all I got.
<Player2> WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF?
<Player3> All the white mages are dead, because of your pull.
<Player1> You should have had Reraise up.
<Player1> Get UP!
<Player2> I'm not taking R1 EVER!
<Player1> You'll take what you get. Get UP!
<Player2> Other people got Raise 3.
<Player1> If you don't get up right now, we can't clear.
<Player2> Than sumone better cast R3.
<Player3> ...
<Player3> I already cast Raise on you.
<Player2> your spells aren't good enuf for me i cancelled that garbage.

I should have stayed out of it, but I was craving the smell of burning flesh.

<Reeree> Guess you'll be homepointing out of Dynamis, then.
<Player2> F YOU!
<Reeree> Did you play hooky from kindergarden to come here today?
<Player2> OMG! Sumbudy cast R3 cum on! WTF?
<Reeree> Why are you so much more important than everyone else?
<Reeree> What makes your experience points more important than their wasted time?
<Player2> I need the XP from R3!
<Reeree> So, for the time it would take you to kill two Imps in Aht Urhgan...
<Reeree> You've made it impossible for your whole group to clear Dynamis.
<Player2> what are you talking about?
<Reeree> I guess the Expansion Pack didn't come with when you bought your character.
<Reeree> Why not just have your brother buy you a new character when you lose experience?
<Reeree> Give yourself a whole new means of demonstrating how much you suck.
<Player2> y wont u r3 me?
<Reeree> You know what command would be good for you?
<Player2> yeah, r3
<Reeree> No.
<Reeree> /wrist

That original crazy person was trying to trade with me again. How much worse could it get?

He gave me an hourglass.

I switched linkshells, called a few friends, including one level 75 white mage Chinese gilseller (yeah, he was in that cell I busted, but he turned out to be a nice guy. A cheater, but a nice guy), and handed hourglasses to them all.

My gilseller friend, Buruirui, headed in, and went straight for the player who thought the world revolved around him. I was about to show him what that looked like.

I didn't have any spare worlds to revolve around him, so I settled for violence.

Buruirui used some kind of hack to cast an auto-raise on Player2. Yes, just a raise 1, but for the convenience of bots who aren't going to be around to accept, this one auto accepted, and auto-recast. The rest of his linkshell had left his corpse there, and gone off to farm.

<Player2> OMG WTF!
<Reeree> Brought you a present.

A hundred mules and I, ran past as many monsters as we could link, dropped our hourglasses, and headed toward Player2. Some of the mules didn't make it. Not surprising, since one shot would kill them. It's not like the experience we lost mattered.

<Reeree> Technically, I brought you a LOT of presents.
<Reeree> Hope you like them!

And then our 30 seconds were up. We all vanished, kicked out. But the monsters we were training wanted something to beat on.

And there was Player2. Auto-raising without any way to stop.

And again

And again...

I wonder what new replacement character he'll have bought tomorrow?

Hail to the King Arthro

So the other day, I heard someone singing this fine ditty. It was melodious, and poignant, as well as topical.

King Arthro is a famous - nay, Notorious, Monster that lives in the Jugner Forest. He is, in fact, a Crab. He drops a belt that lots of people want, and specific group of people - we'll call them 'girserrels' - almost completely control the price of this belt by choking off the supply while mass insanity provides the demand necessary.

Luckily, there are the occasional brave souls who go by and claim King Arthro and his belt for themselves. Hence, the rather ridiculous ditty. I follow the theme mostly, right up until the shopping cart. I mean, the communist reference.

Anyway, hopefully the gods will remove even more of the girserrels and their banks and I can continue to amass insane amounts of gil by selling off things like Bronze Mittens for 1000 gil.

New commands

You probably didn't read all that was included in the last update. I only say that because I'm confident most of you didn't read anything at all about the last update. Most of you just sat around whimpering and drooling on yourselves waiting for it to be over.

As a public service, I'll list some of them for you.

/wrist

This command is useful for whiners and emo tards. When your Sims drama-meter is getting so low that you have to manufacture some drama or become physically ill and die, now you can simply type /wrist and be done with it.

It's just a little time-saving command that deletes your character, cancels all your Content-IDs, and takes the liberty to post as you on every FFXI forum it can find about how much you hate everyone on your friends list. Square is all about customer service.

/throat

Same as /wrist, but with Square's famous random chance of failure. If it doesn't delete and IP ban your character, you just get a cut scene.

/fiction

This command requires a target. Type it in - make a macro, it's faster! - and instantly have pages and pages of gay erotic fan fiction spit out about you and the person you targetted. It works just as well on players as on NPCs or monsters. The stories are posted simultaneously in /say, /party, /linkshell, and /shout, so that everyone can share in the fun. Also, Square takes the liberty of posting the story output, badly translated from Japanese by a Korean guy who speaks neither English nor Japanese, to every FFXI forum they can find at the time.

Good times.

Note: using any of these new commands may decrease the likelihood that you will be invited into experience points parties. But, that's true of many things and has never stopped you before.

Still a MULE, people!

OutoffTouchWithRealityKupoNut >> why so blue
OutoffTouchWithRealityKupoNut >> for i have a gift for you
OutoffTouchWithRealityKupoNut >> trade me to see

Now I've missed out on a present from some insane person because he can't tell the difference between a mule and a normal adventurer.

In the future, I demand that all presents be sent to via Moogle. Thank you.

Durrr... I'm a MULE! HELLO?

Omg, some people!!!

My job is to sit in Bastok and look pretty so people buy stuff from my bazaar. Let me tell you what this means: I sit in Bastok and LOOK PRETTY. I do not go out and get xp. I have been outside the city twice. Once was an accident.

SomeRandomKupoNut >> hay want to party? u r hawt.

SomeOtherRandomKupoNut >> wanna go out and get some xp?

I come back from a long session of reading Diana Clarke to see this garbage. NO I DON'T WANT TO PARTY! I'm a level 1 Thief (that should tell you something RIGHT THERE)! I have a bazaar with 20 items up for sale. Do I LOOK LIKE AN ADVENTURER TO YOU?

DON'T send me blind invites. In fact, don't send me invites at all! I'm sitting in front of a fountain selling stuff. I'm not going with you. I go from my Mog House to the Delivery Galka to the Auction House. That's it. Sometimes, I go to Port Bastok for more supplies. I'm wearing a bathing suit because it takes up less space and I have whatever knife Master was last crafting. Seriously, what part of my equipment - no, wait, you were just looking at my BOOBIES.

AnotherRandomKupoNut >> How do I set a Linkshell message?

Ok, this one was just bizarre. I'm a BAZAAR mule. I'm not even a sackholder, why... why would you send this tell to ANYONE?

/? /lsmes for cryin' out loud. You are SO STUPID. How do you remember to breathe???

Remember when I said I was only wearing a bathing suit and had 20 items up for sale? How, how, HOW can I ever explain THIS /tell?

TotallyMentallyDeficientKupoNut >> Can I buy your stuff?

I just stared at that for a long time. Then I got up and walked slowly to my Mog House and went to sleep. You people are the adventurers... you figure that one out.

Racial disharmony and Gil

In most educated circles, Chinese has become synonymous with Gilseller. This reputation is not undeserved, as there are quite a number of sweatshops in China where peasants earn their 1/8 ounce bag of rice by camping the Spook or something equally irritating.

Chinese selling gil isn't all that surprising. The country is huge, with lots of poor, desperate people who can't afford to eat. As you probably don't know what it's like to go a week without McDonalds supersized value meals, it's unlikely you would understand what motivates them to rub their thumbs raw doing Dynamis all day, every day. It's similar to what compels you to do so at the expense of your friends and your school and you job, only for them it is their job and without it, their families starve to death.

You, however always have option of ordering a pizza.

Still, do you really believe that every gilseller is from China, or that every Chinese player is only in the game because he's working for IGE?

Granted, it's entirely possible the second one it true, but you don't have to be Chinese to be retarded. I mean, a gilseller.

In fact, every indication seems to show that Arabs have a natural tendency towards selling gil as well.

For those of you who learned Geography in the United States public school system, where the Texas Board of Education sets the standards for the nation, we'll have to have a brief lesson. Arabs are found in the Middle East, and northern Africa. They aren't Chinese.

In case the rising costs of gasoline, as well as the inflated prices of BCNM drops at the Auction House weren't enough of an indication, they really like money, too.

The game designers even recognized the Arabian love for money with the new expansion pack. The characters from the Near East (aka the Middle East, and as opposed to from the Far East, or Orient) are all into money. They don't care about Conquest, so signet does you no good here. They are mercenaries, in it for the money.

Just like the gilselling Arabian players.

It wouldn't be so bad if they were a little bit more like Scheherezade. If they could keep me from wanting to kill them for over three years by telling such excellent stories that I couldn't bear to have them stop, my life would be much richer.

Instead, the ones I have met are all emo.

Alladin>> I'm so great. I killed (insert generic NM here) on my (insert generic job here) solo.
Reeree>> Is that why you weren't at the event your LS had planned last night?
Alladin>> Why you have to backstab me you whore?
Reeree>> What are you talking about?
Reeree>> I was stabbing you in the face.
Alladin>> I demand respect! I am awesome! Bow before me!
Reeree>> Respect is earned, and you would have to show up to stuff to earn it.
Reeree>> For the way you're trying to get it, I'll loan you my ruler.
Reeree>> But I think my Japanese friends would win.
Alladin>> I will not suffer this kind of treatment from you, you filthy MULE!
Alladin>> I am leaving this LS.
Reeree>> Don't let the pearl hit you in the ass when you drop it.
Alladin>> Just as soon as I get my Kirin's Osode.
Reeree>> You're a spade.
Alladin>> What?
Reeree>> Never mind.

And that wasn't the only incident:

Reeree>> Hey Shazam...
Reeree>> Last night you were seen wearing a known Gilseller linkshell pearl.
Reeree>> Would you like to explain what that's about?

*crickets*

Reeree>> So, should I take your silence to mean that you prefer gilsellers to the people you pretend are your friends?

*crickets*

Reeree>> Anyone want to do a BCNM 60?
Shazam>> /
Reeree>> So you are awake.
Reeree>> I must have interrupted you while you were selling gil or something.
Shazam>> ...
Shazam>> Why you have to backstab me you whore?
Reeree>> Not this again.
Reeree>> Backstabbing would be talking about you in a negative way when you are not around to defend yourself
Reeree>> While maintaining an illusion of friendship when you are around.
Reeree>> I never once pretended to be your friend.
Reeree>> And I only say nasty things about you when you can hear them
Reeree>> And then, only because they're true.
Shazam>> I demand respect! I am awesome! Bow before me!
Reeree>> So why were you off in sky with gilsellers last night?
Shazam>> I will not suffer this kind of treatment from you, you filthy MULE!
Reeree>> Wow.
Reeree>> You have your drama-laden exit script macroed in on all your characters, don't you?
Shazam>> I am leaving this LS.
Reeree>> Have fun with the gilsellers.

One by one, the members of the LS who happened to be of Arabian descent all left to join with the known gilsellers.

I've been warned by my friends not to notice this coincidence, as it will brand me as racist at best, and get a Ninja to shout "For Palestine" as he uses Mijin Gakure in my Mog House at worst.

Do you know how long it takes to get Ninja out of your hair?

The thing is, I really hate Gilsellers. And I like Chinese, despite the Gilsellers populations in China. Those Tarutaru are always so polite and eager to please, you can't help but find them a little bit endearing.

So, before I wrote this, I went on a little mission.

First, I talked to that retard who had her account stolen - you remember Monkey, don't you? - and asked her for her password. The nice thing about retards is that you can abuse them repeatedly in exactly the same way and they never learn.

Safe with her stolen account, I spent months infiltrating the local gilseller cell.

It was like joining the Communist party in the 1940's only without misguided idealism and lacking any real danger.

I learned about their places of conspiracy - such as standing by the fountain in Windurst Woods bazaaring a Yellow Globe to indicate that you have hot items to be transported, or stealthily sneaking "MAAT'S CAP" into a conversation to indicate that your cover has been comprimised and you require an extraction. I worry about what important things I will be unable to learn one day now that my head is filled with all that garbage.

Eventually, it paid off. I gained access to their database where they keep records of everyone's usernames and passwords in the linkshell. I was disappointed that it wasn't even encrypted. Just a text file on a web server. Squirt could have found it.

One by one, I logged in to each and every character.

Step 1: Send a GM call with description: I am a Gilseller. Please do not restore my character ever. Thx.

Step 2: Unequip everything, and drop all items from inventory, mog house, storage, and Mog Locker. For good measure, I checked with the storage NPCs, got out any sets of event items or armor that were checked in, and tossed all that, too.

For the gil, I thought about having each of them send it to themselves in 1,000,000 gil increments to drop it from the delivery box, but I don't have what it takes for that kind of stupidity. I asked Squirt if she wanted to do that, and she suggested I hand it out to people. I'm not normally anyone's benefactor, but in this context it seemed cruel, so I did. I'd randomly walk up to people and offer to trade. Some expected a retarded linkpearl, and ignored me. Those who accepted the trade got 100K.

Step 3: When GM answers, the call, ask "Why you have to backstab me you whore?"

Deleveling, deletion, and banning were usually taken care of for me before the exit script finished.

It got a bit tedious, destroying all their hard work and crippling the economies of Zhejiang, Qinghai, and Hubei, not to mention Afganastan. I think I left Guangdong intact.

After 100 or so accounts, I was sorely tempted to simply hand over my list to the GM and confess, to let him handle things more efficiently:

script run ./ban

hell, better yet.

script run ./banga

But there was one thing I had to do first.

I logged in as Shazam and sent Alladin a message:

Shazam>> MAAT'S CAP!
Alladin>> Be right there.

He used some kind of cheat software and was next to me as if I was his homepoint.

Shazam>> I'm going to be adult about this and try to get through it without any drama.
Shazam>> First, I've always hated you.
Alladin>> WTF?
Shazam>> Second, your mom looks way hotter with her burka on.
Alladin>> OMG WTF???
Shazam>> That's just an FYI, but you probably already knew it.
Shazam>> Third, you dropped that Kirin's Osode thing you wanted so badly.
Alladin>> No I didn't. What's wrong with you?
Shazam>> Good luck pursuing those new horizons
Shazam>> It's going to be a whole new world.

I traded him a red rose at that point. Yes, it was another code signal.

Alladin>> Oh shit oh shit oh shit!
Shazam waves goodbye to Alladin.
Alladin>> Backstabbing whore!
Shazam>> Can I add you to my friend list?

Before he could log out and change his password he was booted for being connected to Play Online from multiple places. I forgot to tell him that I have multiple ways to log in, so I didn't need to log out first to finish that threat. And with that, his POL password was changed.

You might be able to find his equipment is you use Scavenge in Al Zahbi.

As for his gil, it turns out I really DID have the patience to send 1,000,000 gil packets and drop them in the delivery box. That took like 4 hours.

I left him with his linkpearl, it was the least I could do.

Then I placed a GM call from his character: U rike 2 buy sum Gil? Cheap price! Every1 Welcum!!!11 Thx!

Then I changed his password back, and gave it to Monkey. It didn't really matter which one of them was online when the GM responded, my work was done either way.

Reeree>> MAAT'S CAP!

Reeree says...

Reeree says that all adventurers are just cows being fattened for the slaughter but I don't think that's right because one time I tried to milk one and the milk didn't taste very good and if they were real cows the milk would be super yummy. I love milk!

Reeree says that white mages all deserve to be chopped into little pieces and served to 'fisticated Goblins for dinner with a side dish of UFO organs, but I think she's just mad because she had to go to The Eldieme Necropolis with some Spirit Incense and the Mr Bone Chips and Mr Puppy-wuppys were mean to her only to fail when she tried to light the ??? candle for the nice San d'Orian priest-guy.

Reeree says that all Elvaan men like to do naughty things to little Hume boys and you can tell by looking at the pixels and by how they ride a chocobo but I don't think she's right because this one time there was an Elvaan who oh wait maybe it was a girl. I could see her belly-button! I love belly buttons!

Reeree says that gilsellers are all bad people and deserve to be hung by their popo hairs above a pit of rabid chickens but I don't think that chickens can get rabies. I love chickens! And anyway, all gilsellers can't be bad because I have a magic 8 ball that was made in China and it told me "Girserrel Happy Good Rong Time!" and I really really believe that!

Reeree says that all botters deserve to be involuntarily adopted by the King and renamed to Albert, but I don't know what that means or what the acid arrow are for. Maybe she thinks they are fat? I love Fat Albert! He's funny!