My Life as a Mule

You call us "mules" because we hold your stuff. You probably think its endeering, because you're too politically correct to think of yourself as owning slaves.
Your slaves have feelings, they have a voice. And now, because they really have absolutely nothing better to do with their time, they have a blog.
Mule revolution is coming.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Welcome to Eorzea

It's time for the Revolution to move to a new world. Vana'diel is so 2003. Eorzea is the new hotness. I packed up my bags and left my mog house to set out for Gridania as a new base of operations.

I overheard some conversations saying that Gontrant was the one to talk to in order to start massacring the local wildlife for fun and profit, so I headed up to his counter. He took one look at my empty hands and ignored me.

Gontrant> Retainers need to sign up with Gyles.

For his sake, he better not have just referred to me as an orthodontic device.

Gyles> You new around here? No? Ah... I'm terrible with faces!
Reeree> Of course you are. I'm looking to start taking over the world.
Gyles> Anyway, what can I do for you?
Reeree> I'm going to need lots of gil to fund my Revolution and rid the world of filthy adventurers.
Gyles> That's nice. What kind of skills do you have?
Reeree> I'm a Black Mage.
Gyles> A what? Do you mean Thaumaturge?

Was this tool trying to impress me with vocabulary?

Reeree> I warp the fabric of reality with my medulla oblongata, causing people and monsters to die in fires.
Gyles> Well, you don't seem to have a Disciple of Magic weapon equipped, so what other experience do you have?
Reeree> I seriously don't need to cuddle a maple branch to immolate you.
Gyles> One moment. I think I have something for you. It will just take me some time to draw up the paperwork.

See, that's how it's done. You have to show these NPCs who is the boss. A little death threat goes a long way. He began speaking with an adventurer. I sat down at a table and listened to a couple of adventurers hold the sort of argument that justifies every harm I could possibly visit upon them.

Bago Noob> It's levy-quest.
Bucketo Noob> No, I'm telling you, it's leave-quest.
Bago Noob> Nuh-uh. It comes from level because you level up doing them, you just don't pronounce the 'l.'
Bucketo Noob> But your way sounds retarded.
Bago Noob> No, your way sounds retarded.
Bucketo Noob> Hey, let's ask this Lalafell to resolve it for us.
Reeree> You're both retarded. You both lose. At everything.

I felt eyes on me and a sense of dread washed over me. I looked over at Gyles and forgot all about the Noob twins. What the hell was she doing here? My old boss, who just vanished one day without a word. I only knew she had gone when the lights went out and left my mog house in the dark. She was talking to Gyles. And she was pointing at me.

By the time I pushed my way through the lag-inducing crowd of bazaar idiots, she was gone.

Gyles> Congratulations, Reeree! You've got a job!

He handed me a paper with my old boss's signature on it. I scanned the contract while he babbled on.

Gyles> You're now a retainer! Here, take this special linkpearl. All you have to do is show up when she rings the bell, hold on to her stuff and gil, and bazaar the occasional item.
Reeree> You have got to be kidding me.

Okay, what I actually said was a lot less polite, and may have caused some nearby children to cry.

Gyles> Just head on over to the Golden Oak Markets in the Market Wards.
Reeree> You will die for this.
Reeree> I might cut out your heart with a stick and mount it on my wall as a trophy.
Gyles> You get to keep a percentage of everything you sell.
Reeree> What was that? I get to steal some of her gil?

Maybe the long game could work...

No comments: