Joy of Cooking

It's only fair if I'm constantly tasked with holding excess garbage that might one day be used as a crafting ingredient, I should get to try my hand at a craft too. After all, moogle gave me one of those special crystals for signing things - if I'm not going to craft ever, you would think I'd have been asked to throw it away by now.

Honestly, I'm not even allowed to hold on to pants - a functional item I could use to die less when sent outside.

I thought I would try my hand at cooking.

First, I cracked open a recipe book and started looking for something I felt like making. This would prove to be a tactical error.

Emperor Roe sounded yummy. Who doesn't like caviar? All it required was either an Emperor Fish or a Morinabaligi, which according to the Auction House is like an Emperor Fish except no one has actually ever seen one.

All you had to do was take this fish, worth about 5000 gil - another stumbling block - and microwave it for 60 seconds. Somehow, this reduces it to a jar of its unborn children. The recipe is unclear where the jar actually comes from.

Also, it's a level 82 recipe. I wouldn't have thought that you would need to level up to be able to microwave a fish, but perhaps if I ever do I'll understand how it transforms into eggs in the process.

I flipped a few pages back, but unfortunately my book was organized alphabetically instead of by level. I found myself staring at the recipe for Antica Broth.

The recipe calls for, as I stared in horrified fascination:
2 robes ripped off of dead Anticans
2 units of acidic Antican blood or vomit
Jello

And the basic instruction is to get all these ingredients wet.

You take two puked on Antican robes and mix them into a soggy fruitcake and this is used to summon an antlion who will then be your friend.

Maybe this isn't obvious to everyone, but this is a fundamentally flawed plan. Giant Enemy Ticks are never your friend, even if you feed them dead Ant Beastmen clothing jello.

Moving on, let's get out of the high level recipes, and find something to cook that is simple and not revolting.

Ah! Carrot broth, a level 3 recipe. Take four carrots and get them wet, and you are done. Much easier than pie.

Step 1, find carrots.

Some people will simply beeline for the Auction House at times like these, which is why it can be extremly profitable to purchase items from NPCs and sell them on the AH immediately for ten times what you paid. Not wanting to fall into that trap, I didn't.

Carrots can be found at the Cooking guild, conveniently located in Windurst Waters. As a rule, though, buying from the guild is akin to walking up to a gilseller and saying "How much to buy your linen robe? I have 2 million gil."

And in any case, when I tried to talk to the guild people it didn't go well.

Reeree>> I'd like to buy some carrots.
Chomo Jinjahl>> The shops hours are 5-20.
Reeree>> Okay... So, I'd like to buy some carrots.
Chomo Jinjahl>> The shop is closed.
Reeree>> No, you're the shop. And you're right here.
Reeree>> If you were closed, you'd go back to your Mog House.
Chomo Jinjahl>> The shop's hours are 5-20.
Reeree>> You have carrots right there.
Reeree>> I can see them.
Reeree>> You could sell them to me.
Reeree>> It wouldn't be any effort for you at all.
Chomo Jinjahl>> The shop is closed.
Reeree>> So... customer service, not your core value?
Chomo Jinjahl>> The shop's hours are 5-20.
Reeree>> I hope you die in a fire.

My non-guild merchant option was a regional merchant.

Reeree>> I'd like to buy some carrots.
Jourille>> I'd love to sell you carrots.
Reeree>> So, then sell them to me.
Jourille>> Yeah, no, I can't.
Reeree>> If you tell me you're closed, I swear I will count how many "W" eggs I can fit inside your corpse
Jourille>> What? No, I'm not closed. I'm open, I just can't get any merhandise in while Windurst doesn't control Ronfaure.
Reeree>> That's retarded. Why not?
Jourille>> I... I don't actually know.
Reeree>> Where do carrots come from that Conquest points would matter in acquiring them?
Jourille>> They're stolen from rabbits.
Reeree>> Rabbits don't have pockets.
Jourille>> Rabbits love to eat carrots, though.
Reeree>> Sure, but it's not as if they would carry them around... wait, you mean?
Jourille>> How do you think a Thief steals Giant Sheep Meat from a Tiger?
Reeree>> I'm going to be sick.

Maybe I won't take up cooking after all. I don't have the stomach for it.