My Life as a Mule

You call us "mules" because we hold your stuff. You probably think its endeering, because you're too politically correct to think of yourself as owning slaves.
Your slaves have feelings, they have a voice. And now, because they really have absolutely nothing better to do with their time, they have a blog.
Mule revolution is coming.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007


Reeree says if you are going to raise chocobos then you need to get a fast food business license or it's a complete waste of time and gil. I don't think that's right, though. I don't get what french fries and Pepsi have to do with chocobo raising. Reeree says I should ask Purdue or Foster, but I don't know those people. Reeree says try Colonel Sanders but I couldn't find him or his special thingamawhosie.

I LOVE chocobos!

I don't think the NPCs who take care of them do a very good job, though. For some reason they won't let me keep my chocobo in my Mog House, but they don't ever feed him unless I go over there to watch.

This one time, my chocobo was tired, so I told them to let him rest. I was like, if I was tired, I would take a nap, so why not?

Reeree says they drug them and you can't call them organic after you do that. I don't think that's right, but Reeree's really smart and I don't know how else to explain it.

I don't know what happened, but the next few times I checked on my chocofriend he was still all sleepyheaded and wouldn't wake up for me.

I brought him green things to munch on, but he couldn't eat them while he was sleeping and the silly trainer people couldn't make him wake up.

Squirt>> He looks really skinny-winny.
Hantileon>> That's because he's starving to death.
Squirt>> !
Squirt>> Why aren't you feeding him, Mr. Chocobo trainer?
Hantileon>> He's your bird, and he's asleep.
Squirt>> But, can't you feed him when he wakes up?
Hantileon>> Sure.
Hantileon>> Just come back with food at that time.
Squirt>> Will you call me if he wakes up?
Hantileon>> Of course not! Why would you ask that?

It made me sad that my chocobo was starving to death in his sleep, but Reeree says there's nothing you can do about it besides preheating the oven to 350 degrees, but I'm not sure how that helps.

I went back the next day to see how my chocobo was doing.

Squirt>> Is my chocobo awake yet?
Hantileon>> Good news! Your chocobo is finally awake!
Squirt>> Yay!
Squirt>> Um... where is he?
Hantileon>> Bad news! Your chocobo has run away!
Squirt>> WHAT?
Hantileon>> He was pretty mad at you.
Squirt>> What?? Why?
Hantileon>> Well, for one, you never feed him.
Squirt>> ...
Hantileon>> He's been starving for weeks now.
Squirt>> ...
Squirt>> Why did you let him get out without feeding him?
Hantileon>> What do you mean?
Squirt>> You're here to watch him.
Hantileon>> That's right!
Hantileon>> I watched him run away.
Squirt>> Why didn't you stop him?
Hantileon>> What do you mean?
Squirt>> He's been all sleepy-weepy for weeks, and weak from hunger.
Hantileon>> That's right! You're not a very good chocobo raiser.
Squirt>> So how did a weak, sleepy-headed chocobo get loose when you were here?
Hantileon>> I don't understand your question.
Squirt>> Why are you even here?

The next few times I checked in at the stables, all they could tell me was that my chocobo was off roaming the wild places by himself, and they couldn't figure out how to bring him home.

Squirt>> What about the whistle?
Hantileon>> That doesn't work in town.
Squirt>> But if I go outside and blow this whistle, he'll come to me.
Hantileon>> Yup.
Squirt>> So, would you mind coming outside to bring him back to the stable?
Hantileon>> Can't do that.
Squirt>> So, what are you doing to try and get him back?
Hantileon>> I don't understand your question.
Squirt>> You say he left because he doesn't like me?
Hantileon>> That's right.
Squirt>> But he comes when I call him.
Hantileon>> That's right.
Squirt>> And he won't come back here to the stables.
Hantileon>> That's right.
Squirt>> Where YOU are.
Hantileon>> That's right.
Squirt>> ...
Hantileon>> Hey there, no need to shout.
Hantileon>> That's the sort of thing that marks you as not a very good chocobo raiser.

Eventually, he came home, but Reeree says it would be better to have Moogle shoot him in the back of the head with a Power Bow than allow him to continue to suffer his existence. I'm not sure how being shot in the head is a good idea, though so I told Reeree to stop trying to make me cry.

I tried to play games with him, but he wasn't very good at them.

Squirt>> Aren't birdies supposed to be smarter than this one?
Hantileon>> Yes, most all of them are.
Squirt>> He just walked into a wall!
Hantileon>> Looks like your chocobo is injured.
Squirt>> Why does he do things like that?
Hantileon>> Well, you never fed him any smart food.
Hantileon>> So now it's too late, and he's destined to be retarded forever.
Squirt>> ...
Squirt's eyes brim over with tears.
Squirt>> Tell the chocobo-trainer what you told me.
Chocobo>> Kweh?
Squirt>> No, no, the other thing.
Chocobo>> U RUIND MY LIVE!
Chocobo>> RUIND!!!!!

1 comment:

Brindaa said...

My Choco was stupid....I let the Moogle Shoot it!! Their good with BBQ Sauce!!