How to Score a Geek Girl #3

Ok, so like these other girls were talking about how to score a geek girl, and I was like, you are both totally weird, and I thought I would give it a try myself. Not like I could do any worse!

1) Why do geek girls find geek guys attractive? Does it go beyond the ill-fitting clothes, the recent stench of stale pizza and spilled mountaindew, and the CRT radiation-burned eyeballs?

Um... it's the fact that you guys think our weird is cute and not creepy. We can talk to you about our passions: modeling (that's Warhammer modeling, not stupid chicks in bikinis), military history, gaming (pen and paper, computer, video - not gambling), string theory, creating worlds from the ground up and then destroying them... and you guys will actually listen. That's HAWT.

Plus, we can clean you. We can't teach jocks about why the Second Silesian War was so vital to the future development of Europe. Sure, they may be prettier to look at, but that shit gets old fast. Stupid jocks.

2) What can a geek guy do to get a geek girl to notice him?

PAY ATTENTION TO ME. Yeah, so I don't tell you about my day at work (we're geeks, our day at work involved pretty much the same stuff as yesterday). But ask me about my latest LS drama. Ask me about that new pattern I just bought for my new costume. Tip: I probably hate everyone I work with, don't ask about them unless I seem pissed off. But always feel free to discuss the new shineys with me (I <3 my Zune).

3) Does a geek girl judge a geek guy on the technology that he surrounds himself with?

Let me rephrase that for you:

3) Does a geek judge another geek on the technology that he surrounds himself with?

Of course I do. But I won't hold it against you - I just want to know what who where why and how. And then I'll show you mine. You remember this game from kindergarten, don't you? It's not girls and boys, it's stuff and friends. "... first ya gotta be my friend..." You know how it goes. If I can't talk to you, I'm not gonna be interested in you for very long.

4) True/False: Geek girls are more affectionate than non-geek girls. Why?

True. Well, for one thing, we're not scared of boys. You guys are like cute scared little bunnies. You're much less likely to be physically abusive of me (and if you are, I'm probably not going to take it) so I am not particularly afraid of you. (Please note: I'm much more likely to hurt you. And get away with it.) This lack of fear leads to trust, trust leads to snuggles, and snuggles lead to... scared bunnies with claw marks on their backs. I'm just saying.

5) What is the one conversation topic that a geek girl can't resist?

Me.

That actually applies to most girls. I think I'm fascinating, the stuff I do everyday is thrilling (in game at least), and I'm quite possibly the pinnacle of human perfection. If you agree, we'll have a lot to talk about. Don't be too obvious tho, no one likes a suck up.

Well...

If you were sincere....

Moving on.

6) Have you ever used your girl geekiness to sway the outcome of an event that a geek boy controlled? Say, for example, your ability to acquire an Xbox 360 on the day of release?

EB Games salesmen the world over can attest to the answer to this question.

Oh Hell Yes.

Magic melons, indeed. They're there for a reason, and they don't let me down.

I try to only use my powers for good. My good.

7) Do geek boys make better long term relationship partners that non-geeks? Why?

Seeing as I am single and have been for years, I can't really answer that question. But I suspect the answer is yes. There may be people who are prettier to look at than me (maybe) but I am intrinsically more interesting than all of them put together. The same is true of geek boys. Who can get bored with a boy who helps you design the perfect villain lair for your next dungeon? That's love.

Now I feel lonely.

8) True/False: Geek girls are impressed by geek boys that continuously show them how much smarter they are.

FALSE. That's annoying in anybody. I don't mind you joining up with me to look down on the rest of the universe. But showing off smarts is best done with ... smarts. Being a show off is stupid and annoying. Tip: I don't really like being beaten at video games. Having a victory handed to me is cute sometimes, but don't make a practice of it. Save it for special days. I far prefer your geeky and obscure sense of humor.

9) Amongst the members of the tribe 'geek', sexism does not exist. All geeks are created equal, therefore all are paid equal. Is this true in your experience?

My job title says you are lying. My paycheck says you are lying too. Sexism does exist, as does racism, colorism, originism... we're geeks, but still human. You can rise above it (and I appreciate it when you do) but that doesn't make it not exist.

10) What is the worst pick up line that a geek boy has used on you?

Tip: I WILL NOT TRY ON THAT UHURA AND/OR PRINCESS LEIA OUTFIT YOU GOT ON EBAY. EVER. JUST SEND IT BACK. NOW.

Reeree says you're super-retarded

Does that make you a superhero? I LOVE superheros! They're all woosh and kapow and zowie!

Okay so one time, my master asked me to go to Selbina to sit around and sell meat mithkaboberoos cause that whats-her-name who's always there always sells them so it must be a good way to make lots of gils, so I was like okay!

I handed over my chocobo ticket at the stables and got to ride a big chicken halfway across West Ronfaure! Giddy up birdy! Ba-caw! And he was all Kweh Kweh! It was so much fun and then he dropped me in front of a goblin fisherguy and ran kweh kweh kweh kweh all the way home. Bye bye birdio!

I said Hello Mr. Fishergoblinguy! and he goes grrruh and so I'm all stabbity! and he's all, like, urk! I got a fishing rod!

I sang a song all the way across La Theine Plateau, I LOVE singing.
Squirt> Ay not I, O not Ow,
Squirt> Pounding pounding in our brain.
Squirt> Ay not I, O not Ow, Don't say "Rine," say "Rain"...
Squirt> The rain in La Theine stays mainly on the plain!

Lumbering Lambert> Baaaaaaa. Stop singing.
Squirt> Okay, Mr. Mountain.
Lumbering Lambert> You realize I have to kill you anyway.
Squirt shrugs.
Lumbering Lambert> Baaaaaaa. Why are you smiling?
Squirt points at Huangsevensixtytwo.
Squirt waves goodbye to Lumbering Lambert.
Huangsevensixtytwo hits Lumbering Lambert for 6 points of damage.
Squirt> Thanky-wanky, Mr. Gilseller, bye bye!

I didn't wait to see who would win because I had meat to sell and I didn't think either of them wanted to buy any.

I didn't make any more friends in La Theine, I just waved at a few orcs and some grasshopper mushroom guys, and then I was in Valkurm Dooooooooooooms.

Reeree told me I should bring supplies to the nice people at the outpost so that if I ever get to level 10 I could go back here and suffer without having to walk. I don't know what that means, but I figure the outpost people would like presents. I LOVE presents. I was only halfway there when I started to see why Reeree says this place is full of ultimate suffering.

Raykoh> hay guise, grate news. my girl is going to come pl.

I'd never seen a mule that was big and strong enough to power-level people, and Reeree says I should always look out in case I meet someone who might join our cause, so I was like, spy time!

Out comes Starllight with her long black hair and her Hume RSE gear. I thought, she's really pretty, so she must be good! Then she noticed me watching.

Starllight> i pl this party
Squirt> Um, okay nice lady.
Starllight> DON'T HEAL THEM. I'M TEH PL!
Squirt> ...
Squirt> Okay.
Raykoh> Don't heal plz or my girl will leave.
Squirt> ...
Squirt> I'm THF7.
Raykoh> WTF is wrong with you, faggot? GO AWAY!
Squirt> Huh?
Starllight> that's it, I'm leaving. this fag pissed me off
Squirt> Wait!
Starllight> WHAT??!?!?!!11
Squirt> Reeree says your RSE hotpants give you really bad camel-toe.
Squirt> I don't think your shoes look like camels at all, though.
Starllight cast warp.
Raykoh> why you have to be such an asshole?
Squirt> ...
Squirt> I'm just here to sell meat-tarts.
Raykoh> FUCK YOU! STOP HELPING US AND GO AWAY!!!!111
Squirt> This placey-wacey must be what happened to Shantoto.
Raykoh> STFU FAG!

I looked around to see if there was some kind of beasty-man that maybe charmed away his brains. All I saw was a level 75 Black Mage guy with cute blond hair and an anime villain smirk on his face.

Not long after that, another PL showed up. I thought maybe I should try selling something.

Squirt> Hi! Do you like cat?
Catty> ...
Squirt> Oh, sorry, kitty-cat lady.
Squirt> Reeree wants me to ask you something.
Squirt> If I told you not to PL that party, that'd be like, crazy, right?
Catty> a little, yeah.
Squirt> Just checking! You're nice.
Catty> Who would say that?
Squirt points at Raykoh.
Squirt> What if, like, my boyfriend was healing and didn't want you to help him?
Squirt> Still crazy, right?
Catty> Certifiable.

Starllight showed back up wearing wedding gear.

Squirt> Wowies! That's really pretty!
Starllight> my bf got it for me because he worships me
Starllight spanks Raykoh on the ass.
Starllight spanks Raykoh on the ass.
Starllight spanks Raykoh on the ass.
Squirt> How come he didn't buy the +1 then?
Starllight casts warp.

Squirt> I need to go home before I get this crazy on me.
Squirt> Okay, bye!

Fear and Loathing in Valkurm Dunes

There are many mysteries in The Universe, among them why people behave the way they do. Why do people sub blu on thf at level 12? Why do people go to the dunes with level 1 gear and no food, but then claim that 'i iz not a noob!' and look surprised that no one wants to party with them? And why would you go to the dunes with a powerleveler that refuses to accept any help at all in the loathsome process of powerleveling? A powerleveler with no refresh, who takes damage from the xp mobs that people are fighting, and slows down the rate of xp because he/she/it has to rest between every fight because he/she/it is wearing town gear instead of +mp or better yet, mp resting gear?

As I said, there are many mysteries in The Universe and many of them are totally unfathomable. It is not worth the effort of trying to comprehend them all, just avoid them as best you can.

[GM] Lokoi>> Ok, I've dealt with the player who called you and your friend foul names, he won't be bothering you anymore. What was his girlfriend's name again? The so-called 'powerleveler' in Wedding gear with the S&M emotes?

As I was saying, the best way to deal with people of boundless stupidity coupled with bottomless vulgarity and no sense of self preservation is avoidance.

More importantly however, is how to prevent yourself from becoming one of these people. Simply follow these rules and you will be prevented from making a complete jackass of yourself, no matter where you are:

1. Make out with your significant other in Real Life, not in the game. Show your love quietly, by buying each other flowers or Scorpion Harnesses +1. Do not make macros for your stupid emotes for your creepy sexual behavior. NO ONE CARES. Take that shit to the Kobka Hostel, that's what it is for. The Dunes are for a different kind of suffering.
2. Learn to accept help gracefully. A good example of how to do this is simply saying 'Thanks,' 'thnx,' 'YOU ROCK!,' or buy trading a substantial amount of gil. A bad example would be the following: RmpgngJakaz >> STOP CURING MY PARTY OR MY GIRLFRIEND WILL LEAVE YOU ****ING F****T! followed by IDoIt4Cash >> OMG I WAS PL Y U CURE FINE I LEAVE YOU ***H*** F****T JERK! I WAS PL! and other similar tells to someone who is curing a party full of wounded people as he randomly passes by and sees some anonymous person in Hume RSE who is trying to rest for MP but keeps getting smacked in the face by a Goblin Mugger while the party tries desperately not to die. Such behavior just tends to reinforce the fact that you are insane, and should not be listened to for your own good, not to mention the good of the party. People who stop to help deserve thanks, not abuse. And asking someone not to help makes you look very insane. Shouting it with 50% of your words being insults and slurs makes it worse. No one is going to listen to you when you act that way.
3. Final Fantasy XI is an online game, not a Christian S&M Club. People don't pay their monthly fee just so they have a safe place to get bashed and then turn the other cheek. Unless you see someone named 'Jesus' walking around, expect that you might have to deal with people treating you as you deserve when you choose to act like an ass. If you start off with rude comments, then you might get some back. Don't be surprised. Not everyone will blacklist you right away. Sometimes - especially if they have a point to prove - they'll give it back as good as they get, if not better.
4. Lern 2 spel gud. Your l33tsp34k will only go so far against someone who can type in complete sentences with coherency running through their entire tirade. And frankly, GMs tend to listen to coherent intelligent people more than they do crappy text messaging talk.
5. Pick your battles wisely. This actually applies both to xp mobs and offending people. There's a reason you can /check monsters, it's so that you can see if you are likely to win or have your ass handed to you. Similarly, there is a reason you can /check other players, it's so that you can gauge how much time and effort they have put into the game. Most people who have put a lot of time and effort into the game have a lot to show for it. They're a bit proud of their accomplishments, and they sadly, have a tendency to look down on other people who don't quite live up to their standards. Insulting them might be fun, but, in the end, probably unwise. Do you really want your name slapped with the 'drama whore' label whenever you try to join an endgame linkshell? You could just go the route of making your own endgame linkshell to avoid the labeling issue, but then you'll only attract people who a) have never heard of you and have no real endgame experience and b) people who have heard of you and plan to use your stupidity to their advantage before they leave for another world/shell run by retards/WoW. Speaking of which, Nough, we don't miss you. And your last hope for a shell just broke yesterday. Hah hah.
6. Buy decent gear. You don't have to have the best gear, but what you are wearing should not cause convulsive laughter in the people around you. +1 gear is overkill in the Dunes (albeit, useful and fun overkill) but wearing level 1 gear in the Dunes makes you look like a filthy gilseller. Also, fill all the spots you reasonably can. There's no need to spend 100,000 on level 1 earrings but if there are level 10 earrings that you can get and wear for a mere 1,000 gil, BUY THEM. Sell fire crystals. Do repeatable quests for gil. Race your chocobo. ANYTHING. But don't go to the Dunes looking like a reject from Long Wang Ho's Gil Sweatshop. Get some shoes from the NPC armor shop. SOMETHING. You need to able to survive at least one hit, even if you are a taru summoner.
7. Learn your job. It doesn't matter what you know, you're not in the Dunes to KNOW, you're in the Dunes to LEARN. That means working with your party, asking questions (just not too many, and try to keep them relevant, e.g., "When should I use Curaga?" is a good question to ask ("Near the end of a fight or after the fight is over, or in emergencies.") but "Can I have 3,000 gil?" is not ("No, go farm you lazy scumbag."). You don't KNOW this job, you've never played it or you wouldn't be in the Dunes leveling it, now would you? It certainly helps to be a good player overall, but you still don't KNOW the job. Learn it, and don't assume you know it better than someone else. No one cares that you have a level 75 Black Mage when you are leveling Monk. And no one believes you when you brag about your 5 level 75 job character that you had on a different server, so just give it up.
8. Actions speak louder than words. But remember, words are pretty loud, too. Choose your words carefully, and remember, you will always be responsible for the words you say and the actions you take. Especially when they are timestamped and logged.
9. And finally, the most important step to not making a complete jackass out of yourself: Don't be a jackass. It's a game, you're playing it with other people. They have a right to their own opinions, they have different needs and goals than you, and they probably don't live close enough to seriously consider coming over to your house and killing you. But just because you are probably safe from physical retribution doesn't give you a blanket license to be a complete bottom-feeding dipshit to everyone you meet. When you join a party, you are all supposed to be working for a common goal, whether that is XP or items, it doesn't matter - you have to work together to get the job done. Don't make the process any more painful than it has to be. Pull your weight, try to get along with people, and if you have concerns speak up or get out. Don't just be an obstructive jackass to the other people in your party who are actually trying. Maybe you might actually get to have some fun that way.

Chocobo Tails and Cards

Let's get this out of the way first: I'm mildly compulsive, so I really can't stop playing this game. Unless I start playing some game with collectible monsters that is wholly outside my current genre.

Second, this isn't a game for children, not really. Sure, kids can play it. But what kid would get the humor inherent in the line "This one is too buttery?" Or grasp the irony of a Black Mage running up and casting Blizzaga... on a book... inside a volcano about to erupt? I think this game was aimed more at commuters and people stuck in boring offices or classes. Not... that I think students would waste valuable time blowing at a hamster to inflate his balloon so that he can get the cheese and not get eaten by a dragon instead of paying attention to their professors.

I'm rather curious to know if this blog thingy will work.

Anyway... something will happen if you leave the chocobo alone for a while.

About the game... you do the sort of crazed things that chocobos do in their spare time. You know, living a storybook to save the world. Or dodging bombs, blowing hamsters, identifying job classes by their gear, and of course, playing cards under the arcane guidance of Dueler X, or Mog, as everyone else left in the world calls him. Anybody remember the "Teach Me, Mogster" musical number from FFIX? Or for that matter, the masked hero from Lunar: Silver Star Story? I'm going outside my particular idiom with that one though, just ignore the transgression....

Final Fantasy Fables: Chocobo Tales is fun. It's also silly, and will make you question your sanity as you end up losing your adamantoise off a cliff for the fifteenth time trying to get the best score possible (0.35m for me!*). It's one of those games that will have you look up and go "Did I miss my stop?" or "Does that clock say 3 am?" I haven't gotten to the WiFi part (an epic tale in and of itself, why on earth doesn't the DS support WPA? Seriously. Bah, idiom, ignore that!) but I hear there's a best scores board out there. We all know how competitive chocobos are.

I recommend it to all my friends, including all you people who read this. It's a really good way to spend those pesky windows while waiting for some giant adamantoise to pop, as opposed to falling off a cliff (I admit I let the tiny adamantoise die a few times in revenge) or some pesky dragon to finally finish doing his hair and nails and show up in the Aery. Just make sure your party knows to do a to snap you out of your Chocobo heroics.

*Decimal place was in the wrong point, sorry. The idea that 'less' is 'better' never quite sits right with me.