Some Damned Expensive Rocks

So Moogle went gambling, and came home with these two really dark rocks.

"It's ore, kupo! It's really valuable!"

"That's great Moogle, now... WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?"

After some argument, Moogle convinced me to send the rocks to be sold in Jeuno, and that the value of the rocks would convince me to not be angry.

So I sent the rocks to Butcherboy, and he asks, "Do you want me to try having them made into beads first or should I sell them as they are?"

I told him I had no idea what he was talking about.  Who would make rocks into beads, and why would I want beads over rocks?

"Well, you see," Butcherboy explained, "it's not actually a black rock, it's a chunk of dark ore.  Filled with dark elemental energy, extremely valuable, and used to make dark beads for use in elemental staves and jewelry."

o.O

"So I could take the risk and --"

"NO RISK!  YOU WILL NOT RISK MY PRECIOUS PRECIOUS PROFITS!"

Once Butcherboy stopped using horrible workds like "risk" and "possible loss through crafting" we agreed to sell the rocks - I mean ores - as they were.

"How long will it be before I can collect my sweet profits?" I asked.

"Oh, you know goldsmiths," said Butcherboy, "they'll probably be sold by the time I get back to my mog house."

"Hah hah... you are joking right?"

"Nope," said Butcherboy with a grin, "they've sold, I'll run back out and send this gil to you so you can go ... do whatever it is you do with all that gil."

O.o

Who pays this much for rocks?  Seriously?  Why would... who would...

I made a huge pile of my gil and sat on it.  Then I fell asleep and had weird dreams about gil falling from the sky and growing from my flowerpots.  When I woke up, Moogle was gone.  He left a note this time, "GONE GAMBLING, WILL COME BACK WITH MORE ORES OR NOT AT ALL."

Choco!

Reeree says if you are going to raise chocobos then you need to get a fast food business license or it's a complete waste of time and gil. I don't think that's right, though. I don't get what french fries and Pepsi have to do with chocobo raising. Reeree says I should ask Purdue or Foster, but I don't know those people. Reeree says try Colonel Sanders but I couldn't find him or his special thingamawhosie.

I LOVE chocobos!

I don't think the NPCs who take care of them do a very good job, though. For some reason they won't let me keep my chocobo in my Mog House, but they don't ever feed him unless I go over there to watch.

This one time, my chocobo was tired, so I told them to let him rest. I was like, if I was tired, I would take a nap, so why not?

Reeree says they drug them and you can't call them organic after you do that. I don't think that's right, but Reeree's really smart and I don't know how else to explain it.

I don't know what happened, but the next few times I checked on my chocofriend he was still all sleepyheaded and wouldn't wake up for me.

I brought him green things to munch on, but he couldn't eat them while he was sleeping and the silly trainer people couldn't make him wake up.

Squirt>> He looks really skinny-winny.
Hantileon>> That's because he's starving to death.
Squirt>> !
Squirt>> Why aren't you feeding him, Mr. Chocobo trainer?
Hantileon>> He's your bird, and he's asleep.
Squirt>> But, can't you feed him when he wakes up?
Hantileon>> Sure.
Hantileon>> Just come back with food at that time.
Squirt>> Will you call me if he wakes up?
Hantileon>> Of course not! Why would you ask that?

It made me sad that my chocobo was starving to death in his sleep, but Reeree says there's nothing you can do about it besides preheating the oven to 350 degrees, but I'm not sure how that helps.

I went back the next day to see how my chocobo was doing.

Squirt>> Is my chocobo awake yet?
Hantileon>> Good news! Your chocobo is finally awake!
Squirt>> Yay!
Squirt>> Um... where is he?
Hantileon>> Bad news! Your chocobo has run away!
Squirt>> WHAT?
Hantileon>> He was pretty mad at you.
Squirt>> What?? Why?
Hantileon>> Well, for one, you never feed him.
Squirt>> ...
Hantileon>> He's been starving for weeks now.
Squirt>> ...
Squirt>> Why did you let him get out without feeding him?
Hantileon>> What do you mean?
Squirt>> You're here to watch him.
Hantileon>> That's right!
Hantileon>> I watched him run away.
Squirt>> Why didn't you stop him?
Hantileon>> What do you mean?
Squirt>> He's been all sleepy-weepy for weeks, and weak from hunger.
Hantileon>> That's right! You're not a very good chocobo raiser.
Squirt>> So how did a weak, sleepy-headed chocobo get loose when you were here?
Hantileon>> I don't understand your question.
Squirt>> Why are you even here?

The next few times I checked in at the stables, all they could tell me was that my chocobo was off roaming the wild places by himself, and they couldn't figure out how to bring him home.

Squirt>> What about the whistle?
Hantileon>> That doesn't work in town.
Squirt>> But if I go outside and blow this whistle, he'll come to me.
Hantileon>> Yup.
Squirt>> So, would you mind coming outside to bring him back to the stable?
Hantileon>> Can't do that.
Squirt>> So, what are you doing to try and get him back?
Hantileon>> I don't understand your question.
Squirt>> You say he left because he doesn't like me?
Hantileon>> That's right.
Squirt>> But he comes when I call him.
Hantileon>> That's right.
Squirt>> And he won't come back here to the stables.
Hantileon>> That's right.
Squirt>> Where YOU are.
Hantileon>> That's right.
Squirt>> ...
Squirt>> WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY CUTE BIRDIE YOU MEANIE-STUPID HEAD?
Hantileon>> Hey there, no need to shout.
Hantileon>> That's the sort of thing that marks you as not a very good chocobo raiser.

Eventually, he came home, but Reeree says it would be better to have Moogle shoot him in the back of the head with a Power Bow than allow him to continue to suffer his existence. I'm not sure how being shot in the head is a good idea, though so I told Reeree to stop trying to make me cry.

I tried to play games with him, but he wasn't very good at them.

Squirt>> Aren't birdies supposed to be smarter than this one?
Hantileon>> Yes, most all of them are.
Squirt>> He just walked into a wall!
Hantileon>> Looks like your chocobo is injured.
Squirt>> Why does he do things like that?
Hantileon>> Well, you never fed him any smart food.
Hantileon>> So now it's too late, and he's destined to be retarded forever.
Squirt>> ...
Squirt's eyes brim over with tears.
Squirt>> YOU NEVER LET ME FEED HIM ANYTHING!
Squirt>> Tell the chocobo-trainer what you told me.
Chocobo>> Kweh?
Squirt>> No, no, the other thing.
Chocobo>> U RUIND MY LIVE!
Chocobo>> RUIND!!!!!

Oh Nough You Didn't

First of all, you know that people named after words just can't be trusted.  So there's this guy, Nough.  It's pronounced 'no' if you were wondering.  (And I'm sure that you were.)  Please keep in mind that his is a wholly fictional account based on various incidents.  Any resemblence to persons currently sobbing in a corner are totally incidental.

When you party with people, or do bizarre events with them, in fact, any time you are forced to join a party there is a Treasure Pool.  Things will drop into it.  Usually, out of politeness, people will just let items fall where they may.  Sometimes, someone may have a specific need for certain crystals ("Can I lot the water crystals? I'm an alchemist."  "Can I lot the fire crystals? I'm broke as hell.") or perhaps the entire purpose of the event was to kill a monster and get an item.  Usually, ownership of this coveted item is decided beforehand ("Your orb, your loot.") and are generally not at all complicated.  For example, he who trades the orb gets all the loot that drops.  When the next person trades their orb, they are entitled to that loot.  And so forth.  And that brings us back to Nough.

Nough joined in on one of these simple events with me (what can I say? the Big Man can do it alone but you need a minimum number of people to get in or something, I wasn't really paying attention.) and the rule was: The Big Man decides who gets what, since El Jefe was ... unavailable.  There will be no discussion, discussions waste time.  We had a large group of people, some of them were doing this just to get it done, some of them wanted shiny items.  But the rule was stated clearly: The Big Man decides, no one else.

Apparently, what is clear to a simple, goodhearted mule is completely unfathomable to someone who has spent years working on their jobs and adventuring and earning a decent reputation.  Or perhaps the sight of shiny things makes adventurers go crazy.  I've never really been very sure.

You find a Shiny Thing on the Big Wussy Monster.
You find a Neat Pants on the Big Wussy Monster.
You find a Fire Crystal on the Big Wussy Monster.
The Big Man: Okay, Chocolate, you lot that Shiny Thing and lets move on.
Nough: El Jefe said I could have the next Shiny Thing.
Butcherboy: Oh, this will be fun.
The Big Man: What? No he didn't.
Nough: Yes he did!  He totally did!  He said I could have if because I was so nice last time and didn't make a scene!  He said I could have the next one! Just call him if you don't believe me!*

Please note: El Jefe is off doing something where calling him would be ... Bad.  Also, useless.

<El Jefe> Abrázame con la piernas ¿así?... ¡Qué coño! <click>

The Big Man: Ok, the last thing El Jefe said to me before he left was that I was in charge.  And I told you all before we came, that I was in charge and I would decide who gets what.
Nough: ....

Chocolate's lot for the Shiny Thing: 23 points.

Butcherboy: Heh, good thing you don't have to beat anybody with that pathetic lot, Chocolate.

Nough's lot for the Shiny Thing: 938 points.
Nough's lot for the Neat Pants: 201 points.

The Big Man: wtf?
Chocolate:  凸(｀$´メ）
Butcherboy: Did you just try to ninja lot?
PersonX: You can't even wear the pants you idiot!
Butcherboy: And we haven't even all passed yet, you moron.
The Big Man: Pass, right now or else.
Nough: NO! It's not fair, I always get fucked over, I never get the stuff I want, even tho I come to every event! It's mine and I'm lotting for it!** °
Butcherboy: You've been in this shell for a week.  Almost.
Chocolate: I think he came with baggage.
The Big Man: Well, he's not leaving with our stuff.

Nough has left your party.
Nough is no longer a member of your linkshell.

And then Nough got humiliated on national television (or at least the Vana'diel equivalent).

But Chocolate got her Shiny Thing!  And some other person who didn't do anything very interesting (i.e., he didn't contribute to the crazy) got the Neat Pants!  I got a free Fire Crystal!  The Big Man got to crush someone like a bug!  And El Jefe...

<El Jefe> ¿Vienes de una vez, coño? ¡Guau!

*I compressed a spread out period of babbling into one sentence to make the story a) coherent and b) flow better.

**Again, the actual babblings were much more spread out and insane.

°<El Jefe> I said he would get one with us, not that he could have the next one.

Not even trying

When I woke up this morning, I had the strangest compulsion to try my hand at fishing. It's not such a strange thing. You cast a line, you exhaust a living creature to the point where you can lift him into the air by a cheek piercing, then you hand him over to the crazy Tarutaru by the guild and run for the zone so you can do it all again.

There's boredom, pain, death, money, and fame. Only thing missing is fire.

I checked my delivery box to make sure the master hadn't sent me a bunch of imp wings or tiger fangs to sell. I promptly screamed, much to my embarrassment and the amusment of the moogle.

Moogle didn't even warn me.

In my delivery box, like a scene out of Indiana Jones, were piles and piles of insects squirming around and sliming one another. It was like watching a bunch of adventurers in Valkurm Dunes.

Also, there was a fishing pole.

I checked my messages.

Jeine>> Had a feeling you would want to go fishing today, so I sent you a pole and some bait.

That's just spooky.

No, I don't believe Jeine is psychic. Don't be retarded. What's spooky is you can mail live insects to people, unpackaged and unwrapped - you just put them in the mail and they show up in someone else's Mog House.

I wrote her a note of "thanks", took the pole and the bait, and headed off toward the fountain in Windurst Woods.

Appears I wasn't the only one who felt like fishing today. A circle of nine fishermen surrounded the fountain.

I took a spot on the bridge, cast my line into the river, and waited, an eerie feeling creeping over me.

The sound of nine fishing rods being cast simultaneously is surprisingly ominous.

I looked around at my fellow fishermen. All were hume males with face 1a. Their names were unpronounceable mashings of the keyboard. I decided to try to speak to them.

Reeree>> 怎么i 矿为鱼?
Reeree seems lost in thought.
Reeree>> Assalamu alaikum!

Nine fishing poles cast with such perfect synchronization - this could be an Olympic event.

Reeree>> script run ./fish?

Hgghhshhgh caught a Bastore Sardine!
Oddly, all the other eight waited patiently, doing nothing while Hgghhshhgh realed in his sardine.

Reeree>> 09 F9 11 02 9D 74 E3 5B D8 41 56 C5 63 56 88 C0?

It was clear they weren't going to answer me. I no longer held any desire for fishing today. Somehow, it just seemed dirty.

I placed a GM call to ask how they would prefer such obvious instances of botter cheating be reported.

Almost instantly there was red shimmering armor in front of me.
GM[Lokoi]>> Hail Adventurer!
Reeree>> Please don't feed me to a dragon!!
GM[Lokoi]>> Dave doesn't exist. How can I help you today?
Reeree>> See those people fishing over there?

He watched for about 5 seconds.

GM[Lokoi] starts casting Warpga.

Nine hume fishing bots vanished in perfect synchronization - this could be an Olympic event.

GM[Lokoi]>> Nope.
GM[Lokoi]>> Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Reeree>> No, thanks. I'm good.

I think about the cost of purchasing 9 copies of the game, setting up nine characters all on the same server, and having all your accounts banned in one shot. It almost makes me smile.

Man's Inhumanity to Man... well, Gilsellers.

It is a great grief to me to see people justifying cruel and foolish behavior by saying "Well, I'm stealing from gilsellers!"

Mostly because most people think that anyone who has anything to do with gilsellers is probably a gilbuyer.  It's one thing to MPK them, no one minds that.  That's just a natural consequence of their own stupidity.  It works equally well on gilbuyers and gilsellers.

Realplayer: Hey, stop stealing my xp mobs!
Gilseller: Kekekekeke!
Realplayer runs a train past the voke bots.  Gilsellers die.

That's only to be expected.

Here's where the line gets fuzzy:

Suspectedgilbuyer: Hey I'm going up to sky late at night when no one else from the LS is around and I'm gonna steal stuff from gilsellers by saying I'm going to pay them lots of gil and then not trading it!

Or possibly this is just a blind to cover up your gilbuying activities.  Either way, you just admitted to being a thief.  So you're stealing from gilsellers.  That's great!  Now they'll have to make up more gil to cover up that loss - that is, if you really did steal from them.  And you aren't just making up an elaborate story to cover up a massive gilbuying spree.

So you have screenshots of you getting items and being harassed for non-payment.  From people we all know will do ANYTHING for money.  So the occasional gilseller shows up and /shouts about how much they hate you.  It could be real, but it seems to be just part of the Expanded Service Package.

But on the other hand, the gilsellers DO appear everywhere you go now, leading your LS to extreme annoyance.  Which has one benefit: If you call a GM and say:

LSLeader: We are about to do a Kirin but there are gilsellers in the room and they are threatening us.

GM[Lokoi]*: BE RIGHT THERE!!

And now you get a guardian angel to save YOU from cheating gilsellers that YOU cheated out of millions.  Because, well, let's be honest.  Nobody really likes gilsellers.  It's not fair, two wrongs don't make a right, blah blah blah.  But the gilseller hating GM was pretty cool.  So while two wrongs do not make a right, they do cause a GM to take an active (and visible) interest in your activities.

*Names have been changed to protect the ... innocent.  Yes, the poor sweet innocent level 7 [snip] Mage with the Judge's Sword.

«Save» the «/cheer» «leader»

«Save» the «world».

Ever since I noticed the mule Peterpetrelli in Jeuno, I've known.

My ability to read the future in crystals is a super power, just like those people have on TV.

And the world is going to end on November 8th.

Now, Peter is supposed to be in New York, so I'm not sure why he's in Jeuno, which everyone knows is equivalent to the Chicago O'Hare airport.

He'd be much closer if he were in the industrial wastelands of Bastok, which clearly equates to New Jersey.

In any case, I must consult the crystals to find out what path we must take.

Wind crystals show change, and tell of a time when Windurst will control the Gustaberg region.

Fire crystals show Giddeus burning. Well, at least no one will have to bring the Yagudo any more food. Curse them anyway.

I must meditate to learn more. If you see Peterpetrelli, remind him of his mission:

«Save» the «/cheer» «leader»

«Save» the «world».

Mules vs Moogles: Mule WIN!

No one believed me when I suggested that the sheer numbers of mules could take on the event Moogles and run them out of town.

You all doubt because you fail at math.

Sure, Moogles have awesome spells, like Warpga II and Teleportga into Space, but that only helps them if they can avoid spell interruption. With thousands of attacks coming at them all the time, they'll fail just due to lag.

We ran them out with egg on their faces.

Like that guy who got married in game only to have his new bride decide to quit the game after pronouncing her devotion to someone (not her husband) via MT in /say in Aht Urghan Whitegate.

No, the other guy.

No, not him, I meant the other guy... okay, so that probably happens a lot.

Bad news is, your new wife is male. Good news is, now that he has all your cool stuff, you don't have to sleep with him any more.

So, after our success with the Moogle problem, we're offering a new service. You need someone run out of town, just hire Mule Team Borax. Good for male wives, gilsellers, gilbuyers, casino operators, people who shout offering Teleports, Quyen whom I've always just hated, and Janeru, whom apparently everybody hates.

Easter's almost over

Dudes, you need to get your eggs today because April 16th at 1 PM PST the event is done. It's like when you're in the dunes and your party wipes for the fifth time because the Red Mage doesn't ever cast Dia on the crabs but does somehow manage to cast it on the dragon flies and link them all when you're fighting a Pugil and then the White Mage homepoints done.

I'm not saying you need an Egg Helm, cause dudes I got to be honest here, that is one unsexy hat. I don't think anyone would be sitting in my lap if I wore that all the time. Okay, so I'll wear it to capture the spirit of the event and all, but seriously, Moogle gives that away when you do the very first trade of the first three initials of your name, which is, like, required if you want any of the cool stuff.

If your like a mage dude, you need to get a fortune egg. Turn in any seven eggs of the same letter and you'll have +1% MP from your ammo slot.

If you've been a mage, you probably have one from like, three years ago, unless you accidentally threw it at a Promyvion boss or something, but if you're a noob, you want one. And there's not much time left.

Then you melee dudes can bust out with a happy egg. Yeah, you'll probably want to have a ranged weapon instead, but maybe if you're a Taru you could use the HP boost. That's the one where you turn in 8 letters in alphabetical order.

If you're obsessive compulsive, you'll also want an orphic egg. It's totally useless, unless you're in a party with a bard. If you're in a party with a bard, it's not useless, it just kinda sucks a little. But chicks think it's cool, so you should have one.

Make sure not to throw your eggs. It's a sad day when you accidentally click on ranged attack and miss only to later discover that your egg is gone and you have to go through this stupid event again next year.

Also make sure to decorate your mog house with all the furniture eggs. That's a little tricker as you have to look at the Conquest map and see who controls what region. Pick a region that's controlled by Windurst and spell out the first 5 letters for a Flower egg. Same for Bastok controled region for a Lamp egg, and San d'Oria controlled region for a Wing egg. This year you can do a region a second time to get a Jeuno special Jeweled egg.

You want to know the way to the Mithra's heart? Show them a Jeweled egg.

Partly it's 'cause Mithra are like Latina women, and they really like jewelry. Partly it's cause these eggs are totally lava lamps made of crystal, dudes.

They change colors. You and whatever you brought back to your Noble Bed will stare at them for like, hours.

Also, you're Moogle wants to have one for when he gets stoned so he can do your gardening with his poker buddies.

Time is almost up, but I still got some eggs for sale if you don't have time to get all you need before the Moogles pack up and start on the next crazy event. All eggs bought from me go to the Anjelique Memorial, as I said before.

Shout out to Wildjenna who finally got her chance to sit in my lap.

WOOT!

Looking forward to many happy returns, so maybe I won't get so sad thinking about Anjelique all the time.

Sighs, Headcrabs, and Disappearing Gil

I have to say, that title wasn't actually inspired by anything.  Well, the disappearing stack of gil caused me to sigh.  But I'm pretty sure no headcrabs were involved anywhere.

Large numbers of stupid people have been removed from the economy.  This has put a damper on my sales.  Now I have to actually check prices and demand and track history, instead of just throwing things at the auction house and getting massive amounts of gil in return.  This is, to say the least, inconvenient.

On the other hand, the removal of so many truly stupid and incompetent players has been a good thing overall.  However, now all the averagely stupid people seem to be concentrated in Lower Jeuno, shouting for people to join their fantastic new linkshells.  You know, I have a lot of faith in a linkshell where the leader is reported to be an openly bought account that has been in trouble for cheating in the past.  Then again it is a European linkshell, they're probably more comfortable handing over half of everything they earn without questioning.  But I don't really get how they can be so cushy with the Arabs, I thought that was just an American thing.

Every month, the GMs purge the system of large amounts of stupid people.  Undercutting fishbots, gilselling banks, botters, gilbuyers, and my favorite, incredibly stupid people who create new characters with the same credit card that was used to create a character that has already been banned.

I still have no idea where the headcrabs came in though.

This is an obnoxious test.

You know, like fighting a giant dragon with six people just to prove you can.  Or perhaps like leveling Red Mage to 37 using only Puppetmaster as your subjob.

Actually the RDM/PUP thing is working out really well, so my Master tells me.  The puppet gets to level Marksmanship and master gets to solo anything up to a Tough because his pet has regen, stoneskin, and comes back every 20 minutes.

Anyway, that is it for this test.  More to come, now that I have found something that works with Blogspot and don't have to deal with the goofy web interface.

Joy of Cooking

It's only fair if I'm constantly tasked with holding excess garbage that might one day be used as a crafting ingredient, I should get to try my hand at a craft too. After all, moogle gave me one of those special crystals for signing things - if I'm not going to craft ever, you would think I'd have been asked to throw it away by now.

Honestly, I'm not even allowed to hold on to pants - a functional item I could use to die less when sent outside.

I thought I would try my hand at cooking.

First, I cracked open a recipe book and started looking for something I felt like making. This would prove to be a tactical error.

Emperor Roe sounded yummy. Who doesn't like caviar? All it required was either an Emperor Fish or a Morinabaligi, which according to the Auction House is like an Emperor Fish except no one has actually ever seen one.

All you had to do was take this fish, worth about 5000 gil - another stumbling block - and microwave it for 60 seconds. Somehow, this reduces it to a jar of its unborn children. The recipe is unclear where the jar actually comes from.

Also, it's a level 82 recipe. I wouldn't have thought that you would need to level up to be able to microwave a fish, but perhaps if I ever do I'll understand how it transforms into eggs in the process.

I flipped a few pages back, but unfortunately my book was organized alphabetically instead of by level. I found myself staring at the recipe for Antica Broth.

The recipe calls for, as I stared in horrified fascination:
2 robes ripped off of dead Anticans
2 units of acidic Antican blood or vomit
Jello

And the basic instruction is to get all these ingredients wet.

You take two puked on Antican robes and mix them into a soggy fruitcake and this is used to summon an antlion who will then be your friend.

Maybe this isn't obvious to everyone, but this is a fundamentally flawed plan. Giant Enemy Ticks are never your friend, even if you feed them dead Ant Beastmen clothing jello.

Moving on, let's get out of the high level recipes, and find something to cook that is simple and not revolting.

Ah! Carrot broth, a level 3 recipe. Take four carrots and get them wet, and you are done. Much easier than pie.

Step 1, find carrots.

Some people will simply beeline for the Auction House at times like these, which is why it can be extremly profitable to purchase items from NPCs and sell them on the AH immediately for ten times what you paid. Not wanting to fall into that trap, I didn't.

Carrots can be found at the Cooking guild, conveniently located in Windurst Waters. As a rule, though, buying from the guild is akin to walking up to a gilseller and saying "How much to buy your linen robe? I have 2 million gil."

And in any case, when I tried to talk to the guild people it didn't go well.

Reeree>> I'd like to buy some carrots.
Chomo Jinjahl>> The shops hours are 5-20.
Reeree>> Okay... So, I'd like to buy some carrots.
Chomo Jinjahl>> The shop is closed.
Reeree>> No, you're the shop. And you're right here.
Reeree>> If you were closed, you'd go back to your Mog House.
Chomo Jinjahl>> The shop's hours are 5-20.
Reeree>> You have carrots right there.
Reeree>> I can see them.
Reeree>> You could sell them to me.
Reeree>> It wouldn't be any effort for you at all.
Chomo Jinjahl>> The shop is closed.
Reeree>> So... customer service, not your core value?
Chomo Jinjahl>> The shop's hours are 5-20.
Reeree>> I hope you die in a fire.

My non-guild merchant option was a regional merchant.

Reeree>> I'd like to buy some carrots.
Jourille>> I'd love to sell you carrots.
Reeree>> So, then sell them to me.
Jourille>> Yeah, no, I can't.
Reeree>> If you tell me you're closed, I swear I will count how many "W" eggs I can fit inside your corpse
Jourille>> What? No, I'm not closed. I'm open, I just can't get any merhandise in while Windurst doesn't control Ronfaure.
Reeree>> That's retarded. Why not?
Jourille>> I... I don't actually know.
Reeree>> Where do carrots come from that Conquest points would matter in acquiring them?
Jourille>> They're stolen from rabbits.
Reeree>> Rabbits don't have pockets.
Jourille>> Rabbits love to eat carrots, though.
Reeree>> Sure, but it's not as if they would carry them around... wait, you mean?
Jourille>> How do you think a Thief steals Giant Sheep Meat from a Tiger?
Reeree>> I'm going to be sick.

Maybe I won't take up cooking after all. I don't have the stomach for it.

Eggs for Anjelique

Dudes, it's Easter week, and I'm selling eggs trying to get by. All I can think about is Anjelique.

She's gone.

Her master decided she wasn't needed anymore, and so all the stuff she was holding got cleared out, and now she's just gone. She's not going to Homepoint, dudes, she's gone forever.

Who will warm my lap now?

It could happen to any of us mules, at any time, don't think it couldn't happen to you. I'm not going to let her passing go unnoticed. We will remember Anjelique.

All proceeds from any eggs I sell go toward the Anjelique Memorial, so if you think I'm charging a little more than other mules, at least you can know that any gil that I get goes toward a good cause.

If you have like, word or stuff to say about any mules who have gone on, send me a /tell and I'll post them here.

CRABS! No more RMT Monies

It has been said that cheaters never win. This is not entirely accurate.

Cheaters win all the time. If you're a filthy gilbuyer, you can afford all kinds of expensive equipment that would take huge amounts of time to be able to afford legitimately. With the advantages of your ill gotten gains, you can continue to push the divide between cheating scum like yourself and those who actually play the game fairly. One might argue that, in such an unfair scenario, you win.

When it comes to claiming notorious monsters, your chances are much better if you utilize some third-party claim plugin. You probably think it's pretty damn funny when that guy who's trying to claim by manually pressing the buttons on his controller screams in frustration about the "overimplemented delay." You probably think it's hilarious when you run off with your elite drop to go sell overpriced on the Auction House.

I think it's funny when you are deleted in a monthly purge, and I still have my account.

Go ahead, be a cheater - the highs are high, but the lows are real low. I might be only level 6 on one job, while you've got three or more at 75.

Well, you HAD three or more at level 75 yesterday.

Today, your newly bought account only has one level 75, and you need to buy a new serial number for Aht Urghan. Plus, your AF2 is deleted.

Should have let me hold that for you.

Happy Valentines Day

Hope your day was better than mine.

Women sitting in lap: 0
Pretty pink potions: 1

I guess you all must be gilsellers and spammers

Because as soon as the comments required people not to be spammers, they dried up. Months go by and no one noticed.

This is why all you adventurers (read: gilsellers) need to be taken down.

SPAM!

Who knew that the perfect gift after coming home from a cruise would be piles and piles of SPAM to dispose of?

Apparently, all the bots are talking about it.

Note, no more anonymous comments. I love to hear from my minions, but I don't love processed pork product - or whatever product you might be selling.

This is not a website about mini-trucks. I hope your mini-trucks are all destroyed in a fire on the second disk, during a non-skippable cut scene followed by a scratch on the DVD.

There are not lots of helpful pictures here.

No one comes to this site to discover whatever pathetic wares you have. They come to this site to stand together against the oppression of mules in Vana'diel. Or, to pretend to be without sin and cast the next, being too late for the first, stone.

If you have to resort to spamming about your junk here, then odds are absolutely no one is interested in your retarded products at all.

Good luck with that.

No, not with selling your stuff. Good luck with the cancer I wish on you. Let me know how that works out for you.

Sorry to inconvenience those of you who actually enjoy reading my plans to take over the world, requring you to log in to an account just to comment. It's cruel, but that's not out of character for me.

Waiting for the boat to leave

Yes, I'm taking a cruise for no other reason than to relax and do nothing at all. Now, you might think that such is the existence of a mule all the time. Sitting out in the sun trying to get people to spend their hard-won gil on rock salt is tougher than you might think.

Emotionally harder, anyway.

Getting ready to set sail has been an adventure on its own. There was some agro from a bottle of Kettle One. Heiter was kind enough to provoke it off me, though he's a white mage, so maybe that wasn't the wisest of moves.

He probably didn't need stitches. I'll bet there's not even a scar.

Well, you know, depending on how he parts his hair, not visible anyway.

Who's Heiter? That's the boss's boyfriend. He's like a demi-mule. She got a PC version of FFXI "so they could play together", but he ends up bazaaring her junk more than I do.

Heiter got the role of navigator along the way here. Mostly because my version of navigating involves statements like

Reeree>> So... we just need to go straight north from here.
Heiter>> But...
Reeree>> But what?
Heiter>> It's just that there's a building that way.
Reeree>> I don't see why that's a problem.
Reeree>> We'll just burn it down.
Heiter>> It looks like an orphanage.
Reeree>> Perfect.
Heiter>> How is that perfect?
Reeree>> Didn't you ever see Annie?
Reeree>> No one will miss them.
Heiter>> You have serious issues, you know that?

His method is a little more sedate.

Heiter>> Okay, turn right.
Reeree>> Where, exactly?
Heiter>> Back where I said "turn right."
Reeree>> ...
Heiter>> Now, technically, you want to turn completely around.
Reeree>> Now, technically, I'm going to have to burn down an orphanage
Reeree>> Just to calm my nerves.
Heiter>> You have serious issues, you know that?
Reeree>> We'll make s'mores. It'll be great.
Heiter>> Watch out for that Orc.
Reeree>> What Orc?

Orcish Fodder hits Reeree for 58 points of damage.
Reeree was defeated by Orcish Fodder.

Orcish Fodder hits Heiter for 47 points of damage
Heiter was defeated by Orcish Fodder.

It's been a long walk, and I'm never going to get the smell of burning orphan out of my robe.

On top of that, there are just some areas where you want to be extra careful. Here's something of how our conversations went:

Reeree>> Okay, we need sneak here.
Reeree uses a silent oil.
Reeree gains the effect of sneak.
Reeree>> What are you doing?
Heiter>> What?
Reeree>> We need sneak.
Heiter>> Okay.
Reeree>> That means you have to use the sneak oil.
Heiter>> Okay.
The effect of sneak is wearing off.
Reeree>> Seriously, what are you doing?
Heiter>> Did that work?
Reeree>> No.
The effect of sneak is wearing off.
Reeree>> I don't know what you think you did, but it didn't work.
Heiter>> Um...
Reeree sighs dejectedly.
Reeree>> Click into your inventory, select the sneak oil
Reeree>> Click it to USE it, then select yourself to use it on.
Heiter>> Okay.
Heiter>> I don't have a sneak oil.
Reeree>> I gave you two stacks!
Heiter>> You gave me silent oils.
Reeree>> ...
Reeree>> Use those instead, then.
The effect of sneak is wearing off.
Reeree>> Whenever you want to use that oil...
Reeree>> Today would be good.
Heiter uses a silent oil.
Reeree loses the effect of sneak.

Goblin Smithy hits Reeree for 471 points of damage
Heiter starts casting Cure on Reeree.
Reeree was defeated by Goblin Smithy.

Goblin Smithy hits Heiter for 378 points of damage.
Heiter was defeated by Goblin Smithy.

It's been a long trip getting here. My patience, which is almost nonexistant to begin with, has been tried and tested. Many times.

On the plus side, s'mores.

Manaclipper

I need to run to Carpenters Landing and then take a ride on the Manaclipper. As such, I'll be back in about two weeks.

Maybe one of the other mules will keep you up to date on the plan to take over the world while I am out, but I doubt it.

Whether I tell you about my adventurers will depend on how many comments I get.

Summer Festival

Dun din din, din dun... din dun dun, dun din dun...

By now you know the music of Summer Festival, played every night in the starting cities and outlying areas. It gets stuck in your head.

Some people complain that they don't enjoy the fireworks. I used to think nothing was more beautiful.

This year, they have the capacity for even more fireworks, thanks to Corsairs.

You're probably thinking they fire flare guns in the air or something. That's funny, considering how few guns there are that Corsairs can actually use.

No, they help with their special 2-hour ability, resetting the 2-hour abilities of others - you know, if they roll the right number, or whatever.

I talked to some of the behind the scenes NPCs who put the whole show together. In Windurst, they're all hanging out on a balcony off the Star Sybil's room. it felt really crowded in there, but all I could see was an officious looking Tarutaru and an exceptionally large Galka Dragoon.

Reeree>> What's going on up here?
Taru>> Fireworks cele-wele-bration!
Reeree>> Are you going to talk like that for the whole conversation?
Taru>> ...
Reeree>> Why does it feel so crowded up here?
Galka>> Ninja are stealthy?
Reeree>> What Ninja?
Taru>> Exactly!
Galks>> Observe.

The Tarutaru pulled a lever and a single Carrion Crow flapped out of a cage into what it thought was freedom.

The Galka climbed up a ladder and jumped onto a board, propelling a Ninja I hadn't even noticed before off the other end and into the sky, and towards the bird.

Taru>> THREE!
Taru>> TWO!
Taru>> ONE!

Ninja1 uses Mijin Gakure.

Reeree>> This is how you make fireworks?
Taru>> Renewable resources! It's the way of the future!
Reeree>> Now I have dead Ninja in my hair.
Reeree>> That's going to take forever to get out.
Taru>> All art comes with sacrifice.
Reeree>> People actually sign up for this?
Taru>> Well...
Moogle>> Change jobs?
Reeree>> No thanks. Where'd you come from, anyway?
Moogle>> Kupoooooooooo~~~~~~~
Reeree>> But I haven't even unlocked Ninja...

Galka uses High Jump.

Reeree>> Sonofa....
Taru>> THREE!
Taru>> TWO!
Taru>> ONE!

Reeree uses Mijin Gakure.

It's much prettier for the spectators. Trust me.

All good things

You might expect the GMs to rain divine retribution down on me for what I had done, oh ye of little faith.

[GM]Buzzkill did eventually find me again. I warped him so far and so fast that he woke up in World of Warcraft. Yeah, I paniced a little. I've heard he calls some big green man "Papa" now.

Ah, but the universe does appreciate irony.

People were starting to talk about how many gilsellers were starting over at level. You could tell they were gilsellers because anyone else would have upgraded from their starting onion weapons before they hit level 25. Also, anyone else would have taken the time to unlock and level a subjob.

I'm sure my "near jeuno" accuracy had nothing to do with that.

Shihu-Danhu was sending me tells that he had enjoyed his break and was almost ready to come back. I wanted him to have a warm welcome, so I started warping people into boss fight areas, like the Promyvion ENMs and the Shadow Lord.

Everything went dark. I was expecting a little box with dialog:
Where am I?
Am I dead?
Afterlife?

The music changed.

NPCs went running past me to hide. What was going on?

Morons started shouting "For the shire!"

I crawled inside my crate, grateful to be able to move again. So this is what that beseiged thing is all about.

Now, I've read about Mamool Ja, but nothing could prepare me for how ugly they are. But that was nothing compared to their stink. Aren't you glad you use Dial? Don't you wish everybody did? I had to take Shihu-Danhu's glasses off to wipe the water from my eyes.

I didn't want to be like those mules by the auction house, taking up space in the zone without contributing my part. I started to cast my wonderful warp on monsters.

Not enough MP.

I know I have mentioned before the one rule to remember: Square Hates You.

As soon as the Jar-Jar Binks on steroids were beaten back, we were treated to an encore of invasion of the escaped breeding experiments. Whoever thought humes and uragnites would be a good match deserves to be beseiged by Troll mercenaries.

Maybe that's why they were so pissed off.

And I thought the Mamool Ja smelled bad. After meeting Trolls, I'll never eat cheese again.

Al Zahbi lost two generals by that point, but the Trolls were beaten back just in time for the Little Mermaid and her merry band of hookers to storm town. What's with all the gold necklaces? Mr T. never wore so much bling.

Now the first two beseigeds had been very unsettling, but Lamia are just foul. What kind of an attack is it to strip someone naked? Nobody wants to see a Galka in his birthday bondage gear. Mithra started crying. I choose to believe in a reality where the two are related, rather than try to comprehend what the Mithra were actually upset about. I don't speak crazy bitch.

I considered casting Stone - since that was pretty much all I had, but after watching a level 75 Red Mage/Ninja drop 500 hit points from some random AoE that didn't even animate for me, from a monster not even loaded on my screen, I opted for counting the grain lines of the boards on the inside of my crate.

There are 647, in case you are interested.

I also counted the NPC exit door handles that would lead me to safety and sanctuary. There are 0.

It was a terrifying long time, and then suddenly, it was over. The music changed. People started shouting "Yawn" and rolling dice like they were pirates.

I would have been home free if it weren't for those dirty hands reaching in my crate and carrying me away before the cut scene was over. They even ripped Shihu-Danhu's robe when they pulled me out of the crate.

When the screen finally loaded, I was in prison. Kidnapped!

I won't go into detail about how bad it was. It's prison. Again, the warp scroll from Shihu-Danhu didn't work. I guess you need to stand on the fountain of MP to be able to cast it. There was no magical fountain of MP in prison.

Nor was there a Starbucks, but I'm pretty sure there was one right around the corner.

I figured it wouldn't be a long stay - they always get the Warp Taru back within half an hour. It would give a few White Mages a chance to earn a few tens of thousands of gil, and then I'd be rescued by some Galka Paladin or something.

I had to share my cell with the merchant guy from Al Zahbi who sells rocks. He'd been there since about 8 hours after the expansion was released. He was so happy to have someone to talk to that he went on and on about rocks for the entire first half hour. Black rocks, blue rocks white rocks, translucent rocks. Remind me to kill any brat at the Windurst school who shows even the slightest interest in Geology.

I got a little grumpy when no one showed up immediately to rescue me. How could they not come to rescue the Warp Taru? This was unheard of. Unless...

/search all Shihu-Danhu

The bastard was back in Al Zahbi. He snuck in after I was kidnapped, and no one ever noticed a thing. I'm going to give that guy a reraise earring so I can kill him eleven times.

For some reason, I had all these thoughts about rocks, so I did what I could with that. I cast Stone on the poor NPC until I was out of MP. Then I used Manafont and cast Stone on him some more.

This process repeated every two hours for roughly two or three weeks, Earth time.

Eventually, our captors noticed what I was doing, and started charging tickets to the show. I waited until they had a crowd of more than 6.

In my experience, 6 people is usually more than enough to ensure that at least one of them will be completely retarded. Once you get into an alliance, it's 99% guaranteed.

The eyes of a dozen beastmen were on me, eagerly awaiting my next temper tantrum, and the bruises and contusions that Bornahn would get as a result of it.

The clock ticked down to zero, and my 2-hour reset.

I looked at all the Beastmen in the eye, and did the one thing guaranteed to piss them off no matter how suicidal their anger might be.

I sat down.

The cries of anger and frustration could be heard all though the Near East.

Troll Sabreur starts casting Bio III.
Lamia Immolator starts casting Firaga IV.
Mamool Ja Savant starts casting Banishga III.
Mamool Ja Sophist starts casting Flare.
Woodtroll Ranger's ranged attack misses.

Reeree>> Shut up!
Reeree>> You had me at Bio III.

They broke the door down to get at me, but I was already long since dead an homepointed. It's always disorienting to suddenly be standing in the middle of Windurst Waters, but it's good to be home.

There was a Thief next to me, looking disoriented. I vaguely remembered warping her here weeks ago in one of my nicer moments.

Thief>>Um... Which way is Jeuno from here?
Reeree>> That's Warp Taru is a complete ass, isn't he?