CRABS! No more RMT Monies

It has been said that cheaters never win. This is not entirely accurate.

Cheaters win all the time. If you're a filthy gilbuyer, you can afford all kinds of expensive equipment that would take huge amounts of time to be able to afford legitimately. With the advantages of your ill gotten gains, you can continue to push the divide between cheating scum like yourself and those who actually play the game fairly. One might argue that, in such an unfair scenario, you win.

When it comes to claiming notorious monsters, your chances are much better if you utilize some third-party claim plugin. You probably think it's pretty damn funny when that guy who's trying to claim by manually pressing the buttons on his controller screams in frustration about the "overimplemented delay." You probably think it's hilarious when you run off with your elite drop to go sell overpriced on the Auction House.

I think it's funny when you are deleted in a monthly purge, and I still have my account.

Go ahead, be a cheater - the highs are high, but the lows are real low. I might be only level 6 on one job, while you've got three or more at 75.

Well, you HAD three or more at level 75 yesterday.

Today, your newly bought account only has one level 75, and you need to buy a new serial number for Aht Urghan. Plus, your AF2 is deleted.

Should have let me hold that for you.

Happy Valentines Day

Hope your day was better than mine.

Women sitting in lap: 0
Pretty pink potions: 1

I guess you all must be gilsellers and spammers

Because as soon as the comments required people not to be spammers, they dried up. Months go by and no one noticed.

This is why all you adventurers (read: gilsellers) need to be taken down.

SPAM!

Who knew that the perfect gift after coming home from a cruise would be piles and piles of SPAM to dispose of?

Apparently, all the bots are talking about it.

Note, no more anonymous comments. I love to hear from my minions, but I don't love processed pork product - or whatever product you might be selling.

This is not a website about mini-trucks. I hope your mini-trucks are all destroyed in a fire on the second disk, during a non-skippable cut scene followed by a scratch on the DVD.

There are not lots of helpful pictures here.

No one comes to this site to discover whatever pathetic wares you have. They come to this site to stand together against the oppression of mules in Vana'diel. Or, to pretend to be without sin and cast the next, being too late for the first, stone.

If you have to resort to spamming about your junk here, then odds are absolutely no one is interested in your retarded products at all.

Good luck with that.

No, not with selling your stuff. Good luck with the cancer I wish on you. Let me know how that works out for you.

Sorry to inconvenience those of you who actually enjoy reading my plans to take over the world, requring you to log in to an account just to comment. It's cruel, but that's not out of character for me.

Waiting for the boat to leave

Yes, I'm taking a cruise for no other reason than to relax and do nothing at all. Now, you might think that such is the existence of a mule all the time. Sitting out in the sun trying to get people to spend their hard-won gil on rock salt is tougher than you might think.

Emotionally harder, anyway.

Getting ready to set sail has been an adventure on its own. There was some agro from a bottle of Kettle One. Heiter was kind enough to provoke it off me, though he's a white mage, so maybe that wasn't the wisest of moves.

He probably didn't need stitches. I'll bet there's not even a scar.

Well, you know, depending on how he parts his hair, not visible anyway.

Who's Heiter? That's the boss's boyfriend. He's like a demi-mule. She got a PC version of FFXI "so they could play together", but he ends up bazaaring her junk more than I do.

Heiter got the role of navigator along the way here. Mostly because my version of navigating involves statements like

Reeree>> So... we just need to go straight north from here.
Heiter>> But...
Reeree>> But what?
Heiter>> It's just that there's a building that way.
Reeree>> I don't see why that's a problem.
Reeree>> We'll just burn it down.
Heiter>> It looks like an orphanage.
Reeree>> Perfect.
Heiter>> How is that perfect?
Reeree>> Didn't you ever see Annie?
Reeree>> No one will miss them.
Heiter>> You have serious issues, you know that?

His method is a little more sedate.

Heiter>> Okay, turn right.
Reeree>> Where, exactly?
Heiter>> Back where I said "turn right."
Reeree>> ...
Heiter>> Now, technically, you want to turn completely around.
Reeree>> Now, technically, I'm going to have to burn down an orphanage
Reeree>> Just to calm my nerves.
Heiter>> You have serious issues, you know that?
Reeree>> We'll make s'mores. It'll be great.
Heiter>> Watch out for that Orc.
Reeree>> What Orc?

Orcish Fodder hits Reeree for 58 points of damage.
Reeree was defeated by Orcish Fodder.

Orcish Fodder hits Heiter for 47 points of damage
Heiter was defeated by Orcish Fodder.

It's been a long walk, and I'm never going to get the smell of burning orphan out of my robe.

On top of that, there are just some areas where you want to be extra careful. Here's something of how our conversations went:

Reeree>> Okay, we need sneak here.
Reeree uses a silent oil.
Reeree gains the effect of sneak.
Reeree>> What are you doing?
Heiter>> What?
Reeree>> We need sneak.
Heiter>> Okay.
Reeree>> That means you have to use the sneak oil.
Heiter>> Okay.
The effect of sneak is wearing off.
Reeree>> Seriously, what are you doing?
Heiter>> Did that work?
Reeree>> No.
The effect of sneak is wearing off.
Reeree>> I don't know what you think you did, but it didn't work.
Heiter>> Um...
Reeree sighs dejectedly.
Reeree>> Click into your inventory, select the sneak oil
Reeree>> Click it to USE it, then select yourself to use it on.
Heiter>> Okay.
Heiter>> I don't have a sneak oil.
Reeree>> I gave you two stacks!
Heiter>> You gave me silent oils.
Reeree>> ...
Reeree>> Use those instead, then.
The effect of sneak is wearing off.
Reeree>> Whenever you want to use that oil...
Reeree>> Today would be good.
Heiter uses a silent oil.
Reeree loses the effect of sneak.

Goblin Smithy hits Reeree for 471 points of damage
Heiter starts casting Cure on Reeree.
Reeree was defeated by Goblin Smithy.

Goblin Smithy hits Heiter for 378 points of damage.
Heiter was defeated by Goblin Smithy.

It's been a long trip getting here. My patience, which is almost nonexistant to begin with, has been tried and tested. Many times.

On the plus side, s'mores.

Manaclipper

I need to run to Carpenters Landing and then take a ride on the Manaclipper. As such, I'll be back in about two weeks.

Maybe one of the other mules will keep you up to date on the plan to take over the world while I am out, but I doubt it.

Whether I tell you about my adventurers will depend on how many comments I get.

Summer Festival

Dun din din, din dun... din dun dun, dun din dun...

By now you know the music of Summer Festival, played every night in the starting cities and outlying areas. It gets stuck in your head.

Some people complain that they don't enjoy the fireworks. I used to think nothing was more beautiful.

This year, they have the capacity for even more fireworks, thanks to Corsairs.

You're probably thinking they fire flare guns in the air or something. That's funny, considering how few guns there are that Corsairs can actually use.

No, they help with their special 2-hour ability, resetting the 2-hour abilities of others - you know, if they roll the right number, or whatever.

I talked to some of the behind the scenes NPCs who put the whole show together. In Windurst, they're all hanging out on a balcony off the Star Sybil's room. it felt really crowded in there, but all I could see was an officious looking Tarutaru and an exceptionally large Galka Dragoon.

Reeree>> What's going on up here?
Taru>> Fireworks cele-wele-bration!
Reeree>> Are you going to talk like that for the whole conversation?
Taru>> ...
Reeree>> Why does it feel so crowded up here?
Galka>> Ninja are stealthy?
Reeree>> What Ninja?
Taru>> Exactly!
Galks>> Observe.

The Tarutaru pulled a lever and a single Carrion Crow flapped out of a cage into what it thought was freedom.

The Galka climbed up a ladder and jumped onto a board, propelling a Ninja I hadn't even noticed before off the other end and into the sky, and towards the bird.

Taru>> THREE!
Taru>> TWO!
Taru>> ONE!

Ninja1 uses Mijin Gakure.

Reeree>> This is how you make fireworks?
Taru>> Renewable resources! It's the way of the future!
Reeree>> Now I have dead Ninja in my hair.
Reeree>> That's going to take forever to get out.
Taru>> All art comes with sacrifice.
Reeree>> People actually sign up for this?
Taru>> Well...
Moogle>> Change jobs?
Reeree>> No thanks. Where'd you come from, anyway?
Moogle>> Kupoooooooooo~~~~~~~
Reeree>> But I haven't even unlocked Ninja...

Galka uses High Jump.

Reeree>> Sonofa....
Taru>> THREE!
Taru>> TWO!
Taru>> ONE!

Reeree uses Mijin Gakure.

It's much prettier for the spectators. Trust me.

All good things

You might expect the GMs to rain divine retribution down on me for what I had done, oh ye of little faith.

[GM]Buzzkill did eventually find me again. I warped him so far and so fast that he woke up in World of Warcraft. Yeah, I paniced a little. I've heard he calls some big green man "Papa" now.

Ah, but the universe does appreciate irony.

People were starting to talk about how many gilsellers were starting over at level. You could tell they were gilsellers because anyone else would have upgraded from their starting onion weapons before they hit level 25. Also, anyone else would have taken the time to unlock and level a subjob.

I'm sure my "near jeuno" accuracy had nothing to do with that.

Shihu-Danhu was sending me tells that he had enjoyed his break and was almost ready to come back. I wanted him to have a warm welcome, so I started warping people into boss fight areas, like the Promyvion ENMs and the Shadow Lord.

Everything went dark. I was expecting a little box with dialog:
Where am I?
Am I dead?
Afterlife?

The music changed.

NPCs went running past me to hide. What was going on?

Morons started shouting "For the shire!"

I crawled inside my crate, grateful to be able to move again. So this is what that beseiged thing is all about.

Now, I've read about Mamool Ja, but nothing could prepare me for how ugly they are. But that was nothing compared to their stink. Aren't you glad you use Dial? Don't you wish everybody did? I had to take Shihu-Danhu's glasses off to wipe the water from my eyes.

I didn't want to be like those mules by the auction house, taking up space in the zone without contributing my part. I started to cast my wonderful warp on monsters.

Not enough MP.

I know I have mentioned before the one rule to remember: Square Hates You.

As soon as the Jar-Jar Binks on steroids were beaten back, we were treated to an encore of invasion of the escaped breeding experiments. Whoever thought humes and uragnites would be a good match deserves to be beseiged by Troll mercenaries.

Maybe that's why they were so pissed off.

And I thought the Mamool Ja smelled bad. After meeting Trolls, I'll never eat cheese again.

Al Zahbi lost two generals by that point, but the Trolls were beaten back just in time for the Little Mermaid and her merry band of hookers to storm town. What's with all the gold necklaces? Mr T. never wore so much bling.

Now the first two beseigeds had been very unsettling, but Lamia are just foul. What kind of an attack is it to strip someone naked? Nobody wants to see a Galka in his birthday bondage gear. Mithra started crying. I choose to believe in a reality where the two are related, rather than try to comprehend what the Mithra were actually upset about. I don't speak crazy bitch.

I considered casting Stone - since that was pretty much all I had, but after watching a level 75 Red Mage/Ninja drop 500 hit points from some random AoE that didn't even animate for me, from a monster not even loaded on my screen, I opted for counting the grain lines of the boards on the inside of my crate.

There are 647, in case you are interested.

I also counted the NPC exit door handles that would lead me to safety and sanctuary. There are 0.

It was a terrifying long time, and then suddenly, it was over. The music changed. People started shouting "Yawn" and rolling dice like they were pirates.

I would have been home free if it weren't for those dirty hands reaching in my crate and carrying me away before the cut scene was over. They even ripped Shihu-Danhu's robe when they pulled me out of the crate.

When the screen finally loaded, I was in prison. Kidnapped!

I won't go into detail about how bad it was. It's prison. Again, the warp scroll from Shihu-Danhu didn't work. I guess you need to stand on the fountain of MP to be able to cast it. There was no magical fountain of MP in prison.

Nor was there a Starbucks, but I'm pretty sure there was one right around the corner.

I figured it wouldn't be a long stay - they always get the Warp Taru back within half an hour. It would give a few White Mages a chance to earn a few tens of thousands of gil, and then I'd be rescued by some Galka Paladin or something.

I had to share my cell with the merchant guy from Al Zahbi who sells rocks. He'd been there since about 8 hours after the expansion was released. He was so happy to have someone to talk to that he went on and on about rocks for the entire first half hour. Black rocks, blue rocks white rocks, translucent rocks. Remind me to kill any brat at the Windurst school who shows even the slightest interest in Geology.

I got a little grumpy when no one showed up immediately to rescue me. How could they not come to rescue the Warp Taru? This was unheard of. Unless...

/search all Shihu-Danhu

The bastard was back in Al Zahbi. He snuck in after I was kidnapped, and no one ever noticed a thing. I'm going to give that guy a reraise earring so I can kill him eleven times.

For some reason, I had all these thoughts about rocks, so I did what I could with that. I cast Stone on the poor NPC until I was out of MP. Then I used Manafont and cast Stone on him some more.

This process repeated every two hours for roughly two or three weeks, Earth time.

Eventually, our captors noticed what I was doing, and started charging tickets to the show. I waited until they had a crowd of more than 6.

In my experience, 6 people is usually more than enough to ensure that at least one of them will be completely retarded. Once you get into an alliance, it's 99% guaranteed.

The eyes of a dozen beastmen were on me, eagerly awaiting my next temper tantrum, and the bruises and contusions that Bornahn would get as a result of it.

The clock ticked down to zero, and my 2-hour reset.

I looked at all the Beastmen in the eye, and did the one thing guaranteed to piss them off no matter how suicidal their anger might be.

I sat down.

The cries of anger and frustration could be heard all though the Near East.

Troll Sabreur starts casting Bio III.
Lamia Immolator starts casting Firaga IV.
Mamool Ja Savant starts casting Banishga III.
Mamool Ja Sophist starts casting Flare.
Woodtroll Ranger's ranged attack misses.

Reeree>> Shut up!
Reeree>> You had me at Bio III.

They broke the door down to get at me, but I was already long since dead an homepointed. It's always disorienting to suddenly be standing in the middle of Windurst Waters, but it's good to be home.

There was a Thief next to me, looking disoriented. I vaguely remembered warping her here weeks ago in one of my nicer moments.

Thief>>Um... Which way is Jeuno from here?
Reeree>> That's Warp Taru is a complete ass, isn't he?

Taking things too far

Filling in for the Warp Taru may have gotten to my head.

I was starting to draw attention. Bad attention.

I spent two hours warping adventurers into Mordion Gaol. Way I see it, that place exists outside of time and space, so it may very well be close to Jeuno. You don't know.

Sure, to get out, they could just place a GM call. But is a GM really going to believe some jerk who managed to get himself thrown in jail?

Most likely anyone who complained would talk his way into permanent ban.

I should be so lucky.

[GM]Buzzkill>> Hail adventurer.
[GM]Buzzkill>> There have been quite a number of complaints about you.
Reeree>> I can't imagine how that's possible.
[GM]Buzzkill>> Apparently your warping has been rather inaccurate of late.
Reeree>> How so?
[GM]Buzzkill>> You're supposed to send people near Jeuno.
Reeree>> Are we discussing relativity?
[GM]Buzzkill>> No.
Reeree>> I have sent people near Jeuno.
Reeree>> Ru'Lude Gardens even.
[GM]Buzzkill>> Warping level 15 Tarutaru warriors into Dynamis-Jeuno doesn't count.
Reeree>> Oh.
Reeree>> I'll try harder.
[GM]Buzzkill>> That's not really what I had in mind.
Reeree>> It's not?
[GM]Buzzkill>> No.
Reeree>> But since you're talking to me, that must mean...
[GM]Buzzkill>> I think you are beginning to understand.
Reeree>> Of course!
Reeree>> Sorry to take up so much of your time.
Reeree>> Y-you might want to c-close your eyes.
Reeree casts Warp on [GM]Buzzkill.

I warped him to the Lakshmi server, which may or may not have been destroyed in a fire.

If it wasn't destroyed, I hope no one minds if Shihu-Danhu there takes one for the team and spends some time in jail. Let's hear it for team players!

I figured it was time to cool things down, lay low, and avoid more uncomfortable conversations like that.

I started warping people to Batallia Downs, Rolanberry Fields, Sauromugue Champaign, and Qufim Island.

Nobody told me I wasn't supposed to send each person to all four at once. I thought it would be harder to whine to the GMs if your torso was in a different area than your head.

I've heard the cheaters with Windower got to watch their magically quartered body parts get agro and die separately.

On the plus side, Chocobo digging has become more interesting.

Where've I been?

You may have noticed it's been a while since I last wrote anything.

You've probably already guessed that this is largely beause I hate you all.

That's not too far off from the actual reason. Seriously. You guys all suck. Thanks for nothing.

It started a few weeks back when I was exploring the secret pathways of the Windurst residential area. I bumped into this desperate looking Tarutaru guy, muttering about how the Japanese players were going to "Rescue him" any minute.

Reeree>> I think one of us has had a stroke.
Shihu-Danhu>> You want to do me a favor?
Reeree>> I'm not really the favor-doing type. But I'd be happy to laugh at your request.
Shihu-Danhu>> I can't take it any more. You have to help me!
Reeree>> Does in any way involve the random deaths of adventurers?
Shihu-Danhu>> If you like.
Reeree>> I'm interested...

He started to get naked.

Reeree>> Less interested...
Shihu-Danhu>> What? Oh. Haha! Here, quick put these on.

He handed me a fancy near eastern robe, and a pair of glasses.

Shihu-Danhu>> I need you to pretend to be me, so I can take a break.
Reeree>> And what, no one will see through this clever disguise?
Shihu-Danhu>> It's better than Trion's.
Shihu-Danhu>> Besides, no one really looks at me.

Putting the glasses on, I commented how it seemed to work for Clark Kent, so what the hell. Shihu-Danhu threw a blond mop wig over my head, and the transformation was complete. He gave me a scroll, which I barely had a chance to glance at.

Reeree>> Wait, you want me to...
Shihu-Danhu>> Thanks! Good luck!
Shihu-Danhu starts casting Warp on Reeree.

I found myself in Al Zahbi standing on a crate. Pretty cool considering I don't even have a Tenshodo membership.

First impression: It's really freaking LOUD. All sorts of people were whining in shout about some Warp Taru being kidnapped or something. Apparently, there had just been a bunch of Mamool Ja ransacking the place. Whatever.

Second impression: It's really freaking crowded. I was standing on this crate, and billions of people were crowded around me. Was that robe he gave me doused in Tard musk? I'll kill him.

Then it started.

Player1>> Warp, plz!
Reeree>> No.
Player1>> y not?
Reeree>> Well, first, because you're retarded.
Player1>> But ur the warp taru!
Reeree>> See, case in point.

I looked down again at the scroll.

Oh.

Damn.

Wow.

This could be fun.

Reeree>> You want me to warp you?
Player1>> Yes!
Reeree>> Even though I can pretty much guarantee you it won't be anywhere near Jeuno?
Player1>> lol! yes! gogogo!

I read the scroll, and warped him. Somewhere. Got a brief glance through that purple warp window of a huge stone slamming into his face from the Gigas that he appeared in front of.

This gig was definitely going to be fun.

The next guy who talked to me got warped to somewhere along the path of the Manaclipper, only the boat was docked at the time. Maybe someday a GM will help him out of that.

Player3>> Warp to Jeuno, please.
Reeree>> Because you said please, I'm going to try my hardest to get you as close as I can!
Reeree>> Oops!

Full Moon Fountain wasn't quite as close as I would have preferred, but what's a little death by Fenrir if not something to laugh about?

It got kinda boring, after a while, so I started to really have fun with the people I didn't like. That list included people who misuse the English language, people who wear clothes that don't match, and pretty much any people who asked me for a freaking warp.

Sure, I had unlimited MP and regenerated over a hundred MP a tick with unending Refresh, but they never stopped. I understood why Shihu-Danhu looked forward to being taken prisoner.

Well, he did seem like that kind of Tarutaru. Stands on a soap box, drops the soap.

Anyway, to make my time more enjoyable, and reduce the number of people who came to talk to me, I started warping them to the new Chocobo Circuit or the Ruins of Al Zadaal. I guess they'll probably be able to log in again after the update when those areas are released.

Maybe Square will put out the update sooner, and you will all have me to thank for it. You know, once you can log in again, and all.

Woe for lost potential!

Ugh.

I'm so unhappy right now... I accidentally fed crystals to my cuttings. So instead of growing saplings like I was supposed to, I got.....

Shell bugs.

About 400 of them, give or take a stack.

That's 150k down the drain, not to mention lost potential profits.

I'm going to sit on my pile of gil and cry for the rest of the day. The only semi-bright spot was that Butcherboy somehow found a buyer for all of them.

I'm not even going to ask.

Bitch betta have mah munee.

So, Master is out playing with dhalmel. I couldn't tell you why, that's just what he said he was doing when I asked. Then he started talking about 'dhalmel on dhalmel action' and I asked him to stop talking.

Then later on, he sends me a tell, about one of his adoring fans who needs a sword purchased from Jeuno. "Fascinating," I replied. "What does that have to do with me?"

"You're in Jeuno," said Master sweetly. "Buy it and send it to him."

I was stunned. Shocked. Horrified. Not as horrified as Meroduin would have been, mind you. Still, I was fairly upset. "With what gil?"

"You have plenty of gil. It's not that expensive."

I was appalled. Was Master seriously suggesting that I waste my hard earned - stolen, really - gil - well, most of it was from overpriced candy but still - MY GIL? On some stranger that he barely knew and whose entire conversation apparently consisted of obscure sexual commentary on plushies and furries? And all this on some ridiculously overpriced Blue Mage sword?

"You couldn't get it for one gil, could you?" he laughed. "Just buy the sword already!"

And he wonders why he never has any gil!

Only, he does now. He has a lot of gil, actually, and he's supposed to be saving up for a mad crafting day, only he doesn't have any freaking space. So he sends his garbage to me. Which I sell. For more gil than it's worth. But to waste it on some nobody?

Feh.

I did as I was told. Now comes the fun part, will this be written off as a bad debt? Or will the power-mad Blue Mageling send the gil to Master instead of back to me?

You should have treated your NPCs better

I'll be the first to point out that mules have a tough life.

We get no respect. We're forced into slavery though no other reason than by which order of content ID created us. That's just unfair.

But today I met some folks who have it somewhat worse off.

I hopped out of the Mog House in Windurst Waters and was on my way to buy some food from the restaurant when I happened to notice a large crowd of adventurers.

Well, they almost looked like adventurers, but of each of the races there were lots of repetitions of the same three faces.

Also, four hundred thirty seven of them were named Nanako. Two hundred twenty five were called Wagwei. I can notice a trend.

Reeree>> Who are you guys?

About a hundred Elvaan guys named Chanandit pointed to the rendezvous point.

Sixty Tarutaru ladies named Yufafa explained that they were NPCs from the buddy quest.

I asked why they were all hanging out in town. Zenji started crying. All fifty three of them. Some were wearing subligar. I never want to see a Hume man in subligar cry again. Remind me to stab out my own eyes.

Turns out that while all of these fine people had managed to level up to 30 on their own, once they hit 30 they were stuck.

Reeree>> Yeah... the Mandy's in the jungle are too easy, but the goblins are still pretty hard unless you have a competent party...

Radille1>> No, you don't understand.
Radille2>> We can't level by ourselves.
Radille3>> We have to wait for an adventurer to call us
Radille4>> Using a signal earring
Radille5>> And then we can only stay for a few minutes
Radille6>> So you can see how that would be really hard
Radille7>> It's almost impossible for us to level up any more.

I was getting kind of dizzy listening to all those Elvaan woman finish off each other's sentences. I began to wonder about those mushrooms Terylieze sent me. I hadn't eaten them, mind you - I would never put anything that a Mithra touched into my mouth - but perhaps just contact with them could cause delusions? Blame the Mithra or the mushrooms, either way works for me.

Raka Maimhov, speaking of Mithra, lamented about how her adventuring partner is really high level, but still insists that she use provoke. So he brings her out in places like Castle Ostroja, she dutifully provokes monsters off of him, and the jerk sits back and lets her die.

Once every twenty hours.

She's down to level 5. That's just mean.

I have to get to know that guy.

I could empathize with these guys, even if the redundancy did creep me out a little. I gave them some idea to make their time with adventurers more enjoyable.

1) Wait till they pull a few links, then suddenly leave in the middle of battle.

They'd already thought of that.

2) Arbitrarily change what armor you bring based on who controls the area where they call you out, and then for the ones who like to play paper dolls, randomly toss on a pair of scale leggings just to make their head explode.

Again, that was part of their repertoire.

3) Use the signal pearl in reverse.

That one was new, and had some potential.

We brainstormed for a little bit, and then I left them to carry out their darkest desires.

At roughly 10:07 on Firesday, all the NPCs used their signal pearls.

Level 24 adventurers found themselves suddenly duoing monsters in Dynamis with their NPC buddy. They learned that FIraga III hurts a lot.

Some found themselves in places like Uleguerand Range or Attohwa Chasm where they were promptly devoured by dragons.

A level 3 corsair was introduced to the Kraken just in time for his NPC buddy to sneak past and become a Beastmaster.

It was my idea that they do it just before Besieged would have ended. Al Zahbi went from 714 people down to 4 mules, who were unable to sell their wares to the Lamia. The astral candy was lost.

Worse, they took the warp Taru.

You should pay more attention to your NPC friend. Treat others as you would like to be treated, because some day, you just might be.

Do I dare disturb the universe?

I was sitting in Windurst Woods, hawking Giant Femurs outside the bonecrafting guild. I hate to agree with Terylieze, but what about 20 giant femurs is subtle?

A crazy person runs up to me, looks in my bazaar, and then offers to trade. No introductions, no foreplay, just straight to trading.

I had to know what possesses a person to do such a thing. I agreed to trade.

Suddenly I'm staring at his offer of a purple dot.

A linkpearl? Who gives away link pearls to strangers? A little voice went off inside my head and asked: What good can come from this?

I should have listened to that voice.

I clicked ok.

The little voice spoke up again. Normally it tells me to stab people in the face, but today it sang a different tune (must have bought some of my bard ring tones). It told me to just drop the pearl and be done with it.

But the curiosity was too strong. Why would he give this to me?

The voice said the linkshell would be full of stupid people, and they might leak some of their stupid on to me.

It was a risk.

I put the linkpearl up to my ear and listened.

<Player1> Why'd you run?
<Player1> Never run in Dynamis, you idiot!
<Player1> There's nowhere TO run!

They gave a Dynamis linkpearl to a level 5 black mage with no subjob? Ignoring the pain of how stupid that is, I decided to listen more and find out what it is my master does in there. FIltering out the retarded, I might be able to learn something. I almost believed that.

<Player2> WTF?
<Player2> Raise 1? WTF?
<Player3> I'm a red mage, that's all I got.
<Player2> WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF?
<Player3> All the white mages are dead, because of your pull.
<Player1> You should have had Reraise up.
<Player1> Get UP!
<Player2> I'm not taking R1 EVER!
<Player1> You'll take what you get. Get UP!
<Player2> Other people got Raise 3.
<Player1> If you don't get up right now, we can't clear.
<Player2> Than sumone better cast R3.
<Player3> ...
<Player3> I already cast Raise on you.
<Player2> your spells aren't good enuf for me i cancelled that garbage.

I should have stayed out of it, but I was craving the smell of burning flesh.

<Reeree> Guess you'll be homepointing out of Dynamis, then.
<Player2> F YOU!
<Reeree> Did you play hooky from kindergarden to come here today?
<Player2> OMG! Sumbudy cast R3 cum on! WTF?
<Reeree> Why are you so much more important than everyone else?
<Reeree> What makes your experience points more important than their wasted time?
<Player2> I need the XP from R3!
<Reeree> So, for the time it would take you to kill two Imps in Aht Urhgan...
<Reeree> You've made it impossible for your whole group to clear Dynamis.
<Player2> what are you talking about?
<Reeree> I guess the Expansion Pack didn't come with when you bought your character.
<Reeree> Why not just have your brother buy you a new character when you lose experience?
<Reeree> Give yourself a whole new means of demonstrating how much you suck.
<Player2> y wont u r3 me?
<Reeree> You know what command would be good for you?
<Player2> yeah, r3
<Reeree> No.
<Reeree> /wrist

That original crazy person was trying to trade with me again. How much worse could it get?

He gave me an hourglass.

I switched linkshells, called a few friends, including one level 75 white mage Chinese gilseller (yeah, he was in that cell I busted, but he turned out to be a nice guy. A cheater, but a nice guy), and handed hourglasses to them all.

My gilseller friend, Buruirui, headed in, and went straight for the player who thought the world revolved around him. I was about to show him what that looked like.

I didn't have any spare worlds to revolve around him, so I settled for violence.

Buruirui used some kind of hack to cast an auto-raise on Player2. Yes, just a raise 1, but for the convenience of bots who aren't going to be around to accept, this one auto accepted, and auto-recast. The rest of his linkshell had left his corpse there, and gone off to farm.

<Player2> OMG WTF!
<Reeree> Brought you a present.

A hundred mules and I, ran past as many monsters as we could link, dropped our hourglasses, and headed toward Player2. Some of the mules didn't make it. Not surprising, since one shot would kill them. It's not like the experience we lost mattered.

<Reeree> Technically, I brought you a LOT of presents.
<Reeree> Hope you like them!

And then our 30 seconds were up. We all vanished, kicked out. But the monsters we were training wanted something to beat on.

And there was Player2. Auto-raising without any way to stop.

And again

And again...

I wonder what new replacement character he'll have bought tomorrow?

Hail to the King Arthro

So the other day, I heard someone singing this fine ditty. It was melodious, and poignant, as well as topical.

King Arthro is a famous - nay, Notorious, Monster that lives in the Jugner Forest. He is, in fact, a Crab. He drops a belt that lots of people want, and specific group of people - we'll call them 'girserrels' - almost completely control the price of this belt by choking off the supply while mass insanity provides the demand necessary.

Luckily, there are the occasional brave souls who go by and claim King Arthro and his belt for themselves. Hence, the rather ridiculous ditty. I follow the theme mostly, right up until the shopping cart. I mean, the communist reference.

Anyway, hopefully the gods will remove even more of the girserrels and their banks and I can continue to amass insane amounts of gil by selling off things like Bronze Mittens for 1000 gil.

New commands

You probably didn't read all that was included in the last update. I only say that because I'm confident most of you didn't read anything at all about the last update. Most of you just sat around whimpering and drooling on yourselves waiting for it to be over.

As a public service, I'll list some of them for you.

/wrist

This command is useful for whiners and emo tards. When your Sims drama-meter is getting so low that you have to manufacture some drama or become physically ill and die, now you can simply type /wrist and be done with it.

It's just a little time-saving command that deletes your character, cancels all your Content-IDs, and takes the liberty to post as you on every FFXI forum it can find about how much you hate everyone on your friends list. Square is all about customer service.

/throat

Same as /wrist, but with Square's famous random chance of failure. If it doesn't delete and IP ban your character, you just get a cut scene.

/fiction

This command requires a target. Type it in - make a macro, it's faster! - and instantly have pages and pages of gay erotic fan fiction spit out about you and the person you targetted. It works just as well on players as on NPCs or monsters. The stories are posted simultaneously in /say, /party, /linkshell, and /shout, so that everyone can share in the fun. Also, Square takes the liberty of posting the story output, badly translated from Japanese by a Korean guy who speaks neither English nor Japanese, to every FFXI forum they can find at the time.

Good times.

Note: using any of these new commands may decrease the likelihood that you will be invited into experience points parties. But, that's true of many things and has never stopped you before.

Still a MULE, people!

OutoffTouchWithRealityKupoNut >> why so blue
OutoffTouchWithRealityKupoNut >> for i have a gift for you
OutoffTouchWithRealityKupoNut >> trade me to see

Now I've missed out on a present from some insane person because he can't tell the difference between a mule and a normal adventurer.

In the future, I demand that all presents be sent to via Moogle. Thank you.

Durrr... I'm a MULE! HELLO?

Omg, some people!!!

My job is to sit in Bastok and look pretty so people buy stuff from my bazaar. Let me tell you what this means: I sit in Bastok and LOOK PRETTY. I do not go out and get xp. I have been outside the city twice. Once was an accident.

SomeRandomKupoNut >> hay want to party? u r hawt.

SomeOtherRandomKupoNut >> wanna go out and get some xp?

I come back from a long session of reading Diana Clarke to see this garbage. NO I DON'T WANT TO PARTY! I'm a level 1 Thief (that should tell you something RIGHT THERE)! I have a bazaar with 20 items up for sale. Do I LOOK LIKE AN ADVENTURER TO YOU?

DON'T send me blind invites. In fact, don't send me invites at all! I'm sitting in front of a fountain selling stuff. I'm not going with you. I go from my Mog House to the Delivery Galka to the Auction House. That's it. Sometimes, I go to Port Bastok for more supplies. I'm wearing a bathing suit because it takes up less space and I have whatever knife Master was last crafting. Seriously, what part of my equipment - no, wait, you were just looking at my BOOBIES.

AnotherRandomKupoNut >> How do I set a Linkshell message?

Ok, this one was just bizarre. I'm a BAZAAR mule. I'm not even a sackholder, why... why would you send this tell to ANYONE?

/? /lsmes for cryin' out loud. You are SO STUPID. How do you remember to breathe???

Remember when I said I was only wearing a bathing suit and had 20 items up for sale? How, how, HOW can I ever explain THIS /tell?

TotallyMentallyDeficientKupoNut >> Can I buy your stuff?

I just stared at that for a long time. Then I got up and walked slowly to my Mog House and went to sleep. You people are the adventurers... you figure that one out.

Racial disharmony and Gil

In most educated circles, Chinese has become synonymous with Gilseller. This reputation is not undeserved, as there are quite a number of sweatshops in China where peasants earn their 1/8 ounce bag of rice by camping the Spook or something equally irritating.

Chinese selling gil isn't all that surprising. The country is huge, with lots of poor, desperate people who can't afford to eat. As you probably don't know what it's like to go a week without McDonalds supersized value meals, it's unlikely you would understand what motivates them to rub their thumbs raw doing Dynamis all day, every day. It's similar to what compels you to do so at the expense of your friends and your school and you job, only for them it is their job and without it, their families starve to death.

You, however always have option of ordering a pizza.

Still, do you really believe that every gilseller is from China, or that every Chinese player is only in the game because he's working for IGE?

Granted, it's entirely possible the second one it true, but you don't have to be Chinese to be retarded. I mean, a gilseller.

In fact, every indication seems to show that Arabs have a natural tendency towards selling gil as well.

For those of you who learned Geography in the United States public school system, where the Texas Board of Education sets the standards for the nation, we'll have to have a brief lesson. Arabs are found in the Middle East, and northern Africa. They aren't Chinese.

In case the rising costs of gasoline, as well as the inflated prices of BCNM drops at the Auction House weren't enough of an indication, they really like money, too.

The game designers even recognized the Arabian love for money with the new expansion pack. The characters from the Near East (aka the Middle East, and as opposed to from the Far East, or Orient) are all into money. They don't care about Conquest, so signet does you no good here. They are mercenaries, in it for the money.

Just like the gilselling Arabian players.

It wouldn't be so bad if they were a little bit more like Scheherezade. If they could keep me from wanting to kill them for over three years by telling such excellent stories that I couldn't bear to have them stop, my life would be much richer.

Instead, the ones I have met are all emo.

Alladin>> I'm so great. I killed (insert generic NM here) on my (insert generic job here) solo.
Reeree>> Is that why you weren't at the event your LS had planned last night?
Alladin>> Why you have to backstab me you whore?
Reeree>> What are you talking about?
Reeree>> I was stabbing you in the face.
Alladin>> I demand respect! I am awesome! Bow before me!
Reeree>> Respect is earned, and you would have to show up to stuff to earn it.
Reeree>> For the way you're trying to get it, I'll loan you my ruler.
Reeree>> But I think my Japanese friends would win.
Alladin>> I will not suffer this kind of treatment from you, you filthy MULE!
Alladin>> I am leaving this LS.
Reeree>> Don't let the pearl hit you in the ass when you drop it.
Alladin>> Just as soon as I get my Kirin's Osode.
Reeree>> You're a spade.
Alladin>> What?
Reeree>> Never mind.

And that wasn't the only incident:

Reeree>> Hey Shazam...
Reeree>> Last night you were seen wearing a known Gilseller linkshell pearl.
Reeree>> Would you like to explain what that's about?

*crickets*

Reeree>> So, should I take your silence to mean that you prefer gilsellers to the people you pretend are your friends?

*crickets*

Reeree>> Anyone want to do a BCNM 60?
Shazam>> /
Reeree>> So you are awake.
Reeree>> I must have interrupted you while you were selling gil or something.
Shazam>> ...
Shazam>> Why you have to backstab me you whore?
Reeree>> Not this again.
Reeree>> Backstabbing would be talking about you in a negative way when you are not around to defend yourself
Reeree>> While maintaining an illusion of friendship when you are around.
Reeree>> I never once pretended to be your friend.
Reeree>> And I only say nasty things about you when you can hear them
Reeree>> And then, only because they're true.
Shazam>> I demand respect! I am awesome! Bow before me!
Reeree>> So why were you off in sky with gilsellers last night?
Shazam>> I will not suffer this kind of treatment from you, you filthy MULE!
Reeree>> Wow.
Reeree>> You have your drama-laden exit script macroed in on all your characters, don't you?
Shazam>> I am leaving this LS.
Reeree>> Have fun with the gilsellers.

One by one, the members of the LS who happened to be of Arabian descent all left to join with the known gilsellers.

I've been warned by my friends not to notice this coincidence, as it will brand me as racist at best, and get a Ninja to shout "For Palestine" as he uses Mijin Gakure in my Mog House at worst.

Do you know how long it takes to get Ninja out of your hair?

The thing is, I really hate Gilsellers. And I like Chinese, despite the Gilsellers populations in China. Those Tarutaru are always so polite and eager to please, you can't help but find them a little bit endearing.

So, before I wrote this, I went on a little mission.

First, I talked to that retard who had her account stolen - you remember Monkey, don't you? - and asked her for her password. The nice thing about retards is that you can abuse them repeatedly in exactly the same way and they never learn.

Safe with her stolen account, I spent months infiltrating the local gilseller cell.

It was like joining the Communist party in the 1940's only without misguided idealism and lacking any real danger.

I learned about their places of conspiracy - such as standing by the fountain in Windurst Woods bazaaring a Yellow Globe to indicate that you have hot items to be transported, or stealthily sneaking "MAAT'S CAP" into a conversation to indicate that your cover has been comprimised and you require an extraction. I worry about what important things I will be unable to learn one day now that my head is filled with all that garbage.

Eventually, it paid off. I gained access to their database where they keep records of everyone's usernames and passwords in the linkshell. I was disappointed that it wasn't even encrypted. Just a text file on a web server. Squirt could have found it.

One by one, I logged in to each and every character.

Step 1: Send a GM call with description: I am a Gilseller. Please do not restore my character ever. Thx.

Step 2: Unequip everything, and drop all items from inventory, mog house, storage, and Mog Locker. For good measure, I checked with the storage NPCs, got out any sets of event items or armor that were checked in, and tossed all that, too.

For the gil, I thought about having each of them send it to themselves in 1,000,000 gil increments to drop it from the delivery box, but I don't have what it takes for that kind of stupidity. I asked Squirt if she wanted to do that, and she suggested I hand it out to people. I'm not normally anyone's benefactor, but in this context it seemed cruel, so I did. I'd randomly walk up to people and offer to trade. Some expected a retarded linkpearl, and ignored me. Those who accepted the trade got 100K.

Step 3: When GM answers, the call, ask "Why you have to backstab me you whore?"

Deleveling, deletion, and banning were usually taken care of for me before the exit script finished.

It got a bit tedious, destroying all their hard work and crippling the economies of Zhejiang, Qinghai, and Hubei, not to mention Afganastan. I think I left Guangdong intact.

After 100 or so accounts, I was sorely tempted to simply hand over my list to the GM and confess, to let him handle things more efficiently:

script run ./ban

hell, better yet.

script run ./banga

But there was one thing I had to do first.

I logged in as Shazam and sent Alladin a message:

Shazam>> MAAT'S CAP!
Alladin>> Be right there.

He used some kind of cheat software and was next to me as if I was his homepoint.

Shazam>> I'm going to be adult about this and try to get through it without any drama.
Shazam>> First, I've always hated you.
Alladin>> WTF?
Shazam>> Second, your mom looks way hotter with her burka on.
Alladin>> OMG WTF???
Shazam>> That's just an FYI, but you probably already knew it.
Shazam>> Third, you dropped that Kirin's Osode thing you wanted so badly.
Alladin>> No I didn't. What's wrong with you?
Shazam>> Good luck pursuing those new horizons
Shazam>> It's going to be a whole new world.

I traded him a red rose at that point. Yes, it was another code signal.

Alladin>> Oh shit oh shit oh shit!
Shazam waves goodbye to Alladin.
Alladin>> Backstabbing whore!
Shazam>> Can I add you to my friend list?

Before he could log out and change his password he was booted for being connected to Play Online from multiple places. I forgot to tell him that I have multiple ways to log in, so I didn't need to log out first to finish that threat. And with that, his POL password was changed.

You might be able to find his equipment is you use Scavenge in Al Zahbi.

As for his gil, it turns out I really DID have the patience to send 1,000,000 gil packets and drop them in the delivery box. That took like 4 hours.

I left him with his linkpearl, it was the least I could do.

Then I placed a GM call from his character: U rike 2 buy sum Gil? Cheap price! Every1 Welcum!!!11 Thx!

Then I changed his password back, and gave it to Monkey. It didn't really matter which one of them was online when the GM responded, my work was done either way.

Reeree>> MAAT'S CAP!

Reeree says...

Reeree says that all adventurers are just cows being fattened for the slaughter but I don't think that's right because one time I tried to milk one and the milk didn't taste very good and if they were real cows the milk would be super yummy. I love milk!

Reeree says that white mages all deserve to be chopped into little pieces and served to 'fisticated Goblins for dinner with a side dish of UFO organs, but I think she's just mad because she had to go to The Eldieme Necropolis with some Spirit Incense and the Mr Bone Chips and Mr Puppy-wuppys were mean to her only to fail when she tried to light the ??? candle for the nice San d'Orian priest-guy.

Reeree says that all Elvaan men like to do naughty things to little Hume boys and you can tell by looking at the pixels and by how they ride a chocobo but I don't think she's right because this one time there was an Elvaan who oh wait maybe it was a girl. I could see her belly-button! I love belly buttons!

Reeree says that gilsellers are all bad people and deserve to be hung by their popo hairs above a pit of rabid chickens but I don't think that chickens can get rabies. I love chickens! And anyway, all gilsellers can't be bad because I have a magic 8 ball that was made in China and it told me "Girserrel Happy Good Rong Time!" and I really really believe that!

Reeree says that all botters deserve to be involuntarily adopted by the King and renamed to Albert, but I don't know what that means or what the acid arrow are for. Maybe she thinks they are fat? I love Fat Albert! He's funny!