My Life as a Mule

Rules don't apply

2010-10-21T12:10:00.000-07:00

Being a mule is a degrading condition that I would readily wish on my worst enemy, because I hate my enemies with a passion and couldn't do worse than give them this fate. Still it has some advantages over being an adventurer.

For one thing, we can trade Rare/Exclusive items.

I got tired of waiting around in the Woodcutters Den and decided to give the Boss's weathered scepter a little more wear than when she gave it to me.

Star Marmots infest the Central Forest. It's like Carbuncle went around spreading his light to every below-average intelligence female squirrel, chipmunk, and groundhog in the world. Star seems to imply condescending kindness in the form of a golden sticker to promote a false sense of achievement. If these vermin have luminosity, it's millions of light years away.

Lesson number one: even though Star Marmots are the lamest, low-level monsters, they will kill you if you stand there trying to figure out if there's still auto-attack like there was in Vana'diel. There isn't.

Their special attack is nut-kicker. Adianoeta at seventh-grade level!

Fortunately, in this world death seems to be punishable only by inconvenience. I haven't seen evidence of experience or skill point loss as a result, though maybe that punishment is saved for higher ranks when it would hurt more. Square likes surprises like that.

Once I got the hang of spamming my limited abilities, experience and skill points flowed like mucus from an opo-opo's nose.

That brings me to lesson number two: I hate monkeys.

It's really easy to get lulled into complacency. You target a marmot, spam abilities until it is dead, target a funguar, spam abilities until it is dead.

You might never notice that colored dot they told you about that is supposed to measure the difficulty rating.

You might see an adventurer faceplant next to a partially beaten Young Galago.

You might, caught up in the battle lust from playing at pest control, /shout VENGEANCE! and attack the monkey without noticing his red dot.

In hindsight, the gray name of that adventurer should have been a clue. Monkeys are apparently hard-core bad-ass.

I, apparently, am weak to having my teeth kicked in, and having poo flung at my head. Speaking of which, since when was lead part of a monkey's diet?

Back at the Gridania Aethyrite, I checked the time. Still plenty of time before the boss would notice. I kept grinding until Gontrant would give me levequests at Emerald Moss (yes, if I'm holding a garbage scepter, he'll speak to me. Jerk.) so I could kill monkeys for revenge.

The first quest was simple enough. Kill 4 Carrion Chiglets and 4 Curious Galago within 30 minutes.

I headed in the direction of the glowing arrow and found the first group. Finding all 8 monsters is easier than you expect, because monkeys and their fleas duo adventurers.

I blasted the Chigoe. It died, but its Galago friend was pissed. Seriously? I killed your flea. I did you a favor. Die in a fire.

It was easy. I was filled with confidence as I headed off toward the next group marked on my map. I didn't know to think it was weird that the other two groups weren't marked yet.

Shouldn't be difficult to repeat the previous strategy. Black flea. Check! Kill monkey. Check. It put up a good fight, and left me fairly bloody, but I killed it. I hate monkeys. I was about to shout about feasting on the monkeys entrails when I noticed something unsettling. A levequest target appears.

What was that?

Lesson 3: Sometimes, when you kill a levequest mob, aggressive new ones spawn on your head.

Curious Galago hits you for 57 points of damage.

Carrion Chiglet hits you for 43 points of damage.

Critical! Carrion Chiglet hits you for 140 points of damage.

Curious Galago hits you for 73 points of damage.

Emerald Bees hits you for 98 points of damage.

Lesson number 4: Bees are also aggressive.

Reeree> You guys do realize that my spells are all area effect?

Reeree> You know, those spells that I can't cast when I'm targeting myself

Reeree> and fumbling through the controls desperately trying to target one of you

Reeree> while you beat the candy out of me like I'm a piñata.

Reeree> Or, for example, after I'm dead.

I got XPed on by a 5 member party of monsters. They didn't bother with a healer.

I returned to the Aethyrite and ran back to them while still weakened. This time, instead of wading into the river of doom where they could reprise their gang-rape battle strategy, I picked one off from afar and took each of them out one at a time.

I prefer my battles to be fair and honorable... sniping. Barbaric thugs ganging up on the weak is only acceptable when they're on my side.

An Aethyrial node appears as I finish my quest. Before I took advantage of it, there was something I had to say to the Emerald Bees.

I traded them "Damnation" for their Bee Baskets.

Quick check for time back at Emerald Moss, and still hours before the Boss notices I'm gone. I initiate another levequest, this time I need to play exterminator again and clean up a mole problem.

Naked Moles? Who names these things? I'm going to find that guy and cast Fire on his pants.

The quest begins with a lot of walking west. Couldn't they have found problems for me to deal with that were a little closer to the camp? If I had an entourage of adventurers to babble advice at me while we walked briskly, we could make an episode of The West Wing.

All four of the moles I need to murder are hanging out together. This looks too easy.

Reeree> Okay, listen up. We're going to do this in an orderly fashion. You each take a number.

Reeree> One, two, three, four. Mole number one, you're up.

BOOM!

Reeree> Mole number two, nice initiative coming over here for your turn. Well done.

BOOM!

Reeree> Mole number three, thank you for waiting. You're up.

BOOM!

The levequest target is attempting to flee!

Reeree> Seriously? Mole number 4, I understand your perfectly rational fear response after what I just did to your little friends, but don't run away.

Reeree> You'll just die tired.

Should have known it was too easy. How the hell did Goblin Smithy manage to punch and stab adventurers while running behind them? All I managed to get was "The target is too far away" messages while increasing the distance between us.

I gave up on running after him - I wasn't gaining - and went for the whole horror movie classic slow walk stalking.

Reeree> You have to stop running some time.

Reeree> And I have to kill you for this quest, so I'm going to find you eventually.

Reeree> Have a little dignity. I'll make it quick.

Reeree> Do you have any last words?

Naked Mole> Inc T THM.

Naked Mole> Long pull.

Reeree> Wait. What?

A levequest target appears!

Nuking five moles to their death is not something outside of my abilities. Simultaneously, however, is.

Am I talking to myself here?

2010-10-20T12:16:00.000-07:00

Planning a revolution isn't easy. It's especially difficult if all your resources aren't disclosed. How am I supposed to count how many disposable people I have to throw in the front lines if you never post comments? Don't even tell me to have Jeine use her "psychic" skills to figure it out. I will burn you.

It seems that Square is reading. I mock the auction house and later that day they update it to change the names to sensical categories. Now when I want to sell sticks and branches, I go to the Woodcutters Den. It even tells you when you enter which categories of items enjoy discounted taxes there.

Now, the Battlecraft area is still full of morons. It's first on the list to choose from, so rather than selecting it on purpose to sell things that belong there, people select it by default to sell garbage of random and assorted varieties.

But other than that, it's sort of working. Don't get me wrong, I'm still not going to find my boss those Leather Himantes she wanted, but that's more of a problem with me not caring about her needs compounded with nobody is selling what she wants anyway.

She asked me for some dyes, and after figuring out which area dyes were appropriate for, I managed to find one mule who was selling some. Crazy, right?

Of course, I have no idea if the price for them was fair, or even whether another guy standing five fulm away is selling them for 1 gil. It's still inconvenient, so that makes me somewhat happy.

It also made me happy to watch her fail to craft with that dye. It's like trading gil for illegal fireworks that force you to have to repair your underpants.

Boss> My underwear got damaged.
Reeree> There's a word for that.
Boss> What is it?
Reeree> Oversharing.
Boss> I've got the appropriate material to fix them.
Reeree> Great. I'm not only a slave, I'm a slave to someone who has sheep leather patches on her crotch.
Boss> But I can't fix them.
Reeree> If I'm supposed to ask "why not?" here, I won't do it.
Boss> Because you can only fix items if you take them off.
Reeree> Okay, turning off visualization centers of the brain. You can feel free to stop talking.
Boss> And you can't take off underwear.
Reeree> Not picturing you naked, that's what I'm doing right now.
Boss> You can only swap them for different ones.
Reeree> Remember mandragora? Weren't they way more fun than marmots?
Boss> And no one seems to be selling them. I'd make new ones myself, but I'm not high enough yet.
Reeree> For the record, I refuse to touch - let alone sell - your used underclothes. Don't ever ask me that.
Boss> Oh, I would make Snuggleteddy sell those.

And the block on visualization snapped. I couldn't stop myself from imaging the big dumb galka, excuse me Roegadyn, and the way he would handle ladies panties. I could still hear the sound of his sniffing noises when I smelled burn hair.

Boss> You cast Fire at my head!
Reeree> I claim self-defense.

Auction House?

2010-10-15T14:57:00.000-07:00

You might think that returning to a life of slavery would be just about the worst thing that could have happened to me upon arriving at this new world.

You would be spot on.

That is not to say that this gig is all bad all the time. Just this morning, I had this delightful conversation.

Boss> I'm leveling Pugilist...

Reeree> You mean monk?

Boss> No they don't have monks here.

Reeree> You punch things?

Boss> Yes.

Reeree> Do you get an ability to bite ears off?

Boss> What?

Reeree> Nevermind.

Boss> Right... so, once again, I'm leveling Pugilist.

Reeree> Monk. Never use a big word when a diminutive suffices.

Boss> Huh?

Reeree> Precisely.

Boss> I need you to go to the Auction House and get me some Leather Himantes.

Reeree> I'll go as soon as it opens.

Boss> When is that?

Reeree> Never.

It's supposed to be a means of preventing RMT, not having an centralized Auction House to be taken over by gilsellers. The logic is simple:

Step 1. Implement Homeland Security methodology where "inconvenience = security."
Step 2. ???
Step 3. Profit!

Boss> So there's no AH?

Reeree> There's bazaars.

Boss> How does that work?

Reeree> Think of it like shopping in a thrift shop. You browse for hours through piles of garbage that someone decided to sell rather than throw away. You can do this from the convenience of the Market Wards, which are like identical second-hand shops in a strip-mall in the poor part of town. You can also do this from the convenience of anywhere adventurers are found.

Boss> By "piles" you mean shelves organized by category and sub-category for convenience.

Reeree> No, by "piles", I mean piles. What you get when you empty one of the trucks they use to clean out houses on Hoarders.

Boss> Is there a search function?

Reeree> There's a manual search function. You walk around and you look at each individual bazaar. Sometimes you get lucky and find a great deal. Mostly you find marmot carcasses and carrots.

Boss> Maybe I'll just craft them, then. I've done some Leatherworking levequests. What's the recipe for Leather Himantes?

Reeree> Oh, you can easily craft them. Looks to be a level 11 craft. It just takes 6 wind shards, 4 earth shards, leather knuckle guards, bronze himantes grips, undyed canvas cloth, fish glue, and an antelope sinew cord.

Boss> Have you seen any of those ingredients in any of these bazaars?

Reeree> Nope. Not a one.

Boss> Well, how about the Leather Knuckle Guards, how do you craft those?

Reeree> Oh, you're not high enough level yet. That appears to be a level 21 craft.

Boss> In order to make a level 11 item, I have to first be able to make a level 21 component?

See, giant fireballs aren't the only way to cause pain.

Reeree> You know, as part of your contract with me, I can search for items you need so you don't have to click through all those unsorted, uncategorized bazaars.

Boss> That sounds great. Get me either the weapon, or the components to make one. That'll be awesome.

Reeree> No problem. All you have to do is hand me an item you're looking for and I'll get you as many more of it as you give me the gil to purchase for you.

Boss> Wait. What?

Her eyes literally bulged out of her head. I could hear something snapping inside her even over the sound of my own laughter.

Boss> Are you saying that in order to find an item I want to buy, I have to already own it?

Reeree> Simplifies the finding process immensely.

Boss> But that doesn't make any sense. If I already had one, why would I be searching for another one?

Reeree> To make a matching pair?

Boss> Aaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrggggghhhh!

Reeree> Your eyes are bleeding. And there is brain fluid leaking out your nose. I would like to state for the record that I did not cast any spells or violate my retainer contract.

Vision in the Crystal

2010-10-14T13:12:00.000-07:00

I was peering into my light crystal and saw a vision of a new world. A world in which crystals do not fill your gobbie bag, but instead have their own separate inventory.

In this alternate universe, items in your bag automatically stack without requiring you to sort the contents constantly... which is a good thing, because there doesn't seem to be a way to sort your inventory at all.

In this other place of my vision, the moogles left the cities and went to go live like hippies out in the woods, talking to trees. Adventurers can get them to do favors for them by offering them some kind of herbal drugs.

These favors do not include housekeeping or gardening, unfortunately. In fact, it appeared that all the adventurers were basically homeless and spent their time standing around near the Adventurer's guild, or just outside the Markets, or surrounding Aetherite at various camps. Most of these hobo adventurers were desperately trying to pawn off the litter they had collected as they wandered throughout this world. Many busily worked on learning a respectable trade by frying acorn cookies out in the woods during a rain storm on a cast iron stove they apparently carry around with them everywhere, or turning marijuana into sweaters with a spinning wheel and a rusty needle.

I went to ask the moogle in my house in Jeuno what it could mean, but he was gone. He had left Jimi Hendrix playing. There was just a note saying he had gone shopping, as we were out of Selbina milk and pearl clover fruits.

I don't think he's coming back.

Welcome to Eorzea

2010-10-13T16:28:00.000-07:00

It's time for the Revolution to move to a new world. Vana'diel is so 2003. Eorzea is the new hotness. I packed up my bags and left my mog house to set out for Gridania as a new base of operations.

I overheard some conversations saying that Gontrant was the one to talk to in order to start massacring the local wildlife for fun and profit, so I headed up to his counter. He took one look at my empty hands and ignored me.

Gontrant> Retainers need to sign up with Gyles.

For his sake, he better not have just referred to me as an orthodontic device.

Gyles> You new around here? No? Ah... I'm terrible with faces!
Reeree> Of course you are. I'm looking to start taking over the world.
Gyles> Anyway, what can I do for you?
Reeree> I'm going to need lots of gil to fund my Revolution and rid the world of filthy adventurers.
Gyles> That's nice. What kind of skills do you have?
Reeree> I'm a Black Mage.
Gyles> A what? Do you mean Thaumaturge?

Was this tool trying to impress me with vocabulary?

Reeree> I warp the fabric of reality with my medulla oblongata, causing people and monsters to die in fires.
Gyles> Well, you don't seem to have a Disciple of Magic weapon equipped, so what other experience do you have?
Reeree> I seriously don't need to cuddle a maple branch to immolate you.
Gyles> One moment. I think I have something for you. It will just take me some time to draw up the paperwork.

See, that's how it's done. You have to show these NPCs who is the boss. A little death threat goes a long way. He began speaking with an adventurer. I sat down at a table and listened to a couple of adventurers hold the sort of argument that justifies every harm I could possibly visit upon them.

Bago Noob> It's levy-quest.
Bucketo Noob> No, I'm telling you, it's leave-quest.
Bago Noob> Nuh-uh. It comes from level because you level up doing them, you just don't pronounce the 'l.'
Bucketo Noob> But your way sounds retarded.
Bago Noob> No, your way sounds retarded.
Bucketo Noob> Hey, let's ask this Lalafell to resolve it for us.
Reeree> You're both retarded. You both lose. At everything.

I felt eyes on me and a sense of dread washed over me. I looked over at Gyles and forgot all about the Noob twins. What the hell was she doing here? My old boss, who just vanished one day without a word. I only knew she had gone when the lights went out and left my mog house in the dark. She was talking to Gyles. And she was pointing at me.

By the time I pushed my way through the lag-inducing crowd of bazaar idiots, she was gone.

Gyles> Congratulations, Reeree! You've got a job!

He handed me a paper with my old boss's signature on it. I scanned the contract while he babbled on.

Gyles> You're now a retainer! Here, take this special linkpearl. All you have to do is show up when she rings the bell, hold on to her stuff and gil, and bazaar the occasional item.
Reeree> You have got to be kidding me.

Okay, what I actually said was a lot less polite, and may have caused some nearby children to cry.

Gyles> Just head on over to the Golden Oak Markets in the Market Wards.
Reeree> You will die for this.
Reeree> I might cut out your heart with a stick and mount it on my wall as a trophy.
Gyles> You get to keep a percentage of everything you sell.
Reeree> What was that? I get to steal some of her gil?

Maybe the long game could work...

I'll wear your level like a cap

2010-07-30T16:49:00.000-07:00

Before you say anything about the years that have passed since there's been an update to this site, let me just lay it out for you:

I'm a mule.

I don't get fancy things like free wi-fi in my mog house.

Or, for quite some time now, lights.

Somebody had the bright idea of pumping life back into Vana'diel by raising the level cap from 75 to 99. That means that everybody who had already done their time leveling to 75 now had to grind again on jobs they thought they were done with.

Worse, it meant that every craptastic job leveled to 37 for use as a subjob and then relegated to the "Never have to suffer that again" shelf needed to be dusted off and continued on to 49.

And for what?

For the privilege of linkshell drama when some other tool gets your Dynamis drop.

For time-traveling to the past so condescending NPCs can call you "civilian" and sneer at your abilities despite that you've fought gods and won. Repeatedly.

So it's not surprising that interest in this world has ebbed. Nobody wants to take time away from their endgame activities to go grind through 24 levels. It would be like a merit party that never ends.

Why am I back online? In a word: Eorzea.

I love you, Fantastic Fraulein Mumor!

2008-08-10T16:52:00.000-07:00

Dude! I can't believe my favorite teen idol singer is doing finally performing in Bastok! I wonder if she'll sit in my lap?

Wouldn't that be totally awesome, to have Mumor sit in my lap? I'd never wash my Mumor fanboy Elder Gillet and Trunks again!

I couldn't wait to see her. Sure, most everybody else might claim that they never heard of her before Summerbreeze festival 2008, but I've been a fan since she was playing in dives like the Bat's Lair Inn.

But after all my anticipation, what happens? Some big ugly Skeletor-wannabe guy comes along and tries to ruin her show. He was all:

Ullegore> Ooooh. I'm scary. I'm gonna hit you with my goat stick.

And Mumor was so cool about it.

Mumor> OMG! You're so funny!
Mumor> I could totally magical-girl kick you ass with this lame charm wand.
Mumor> It's not even the +1 version.
Ullegore> You think so, little girl?
Mumor> Bring it on, you buzzard-picked buzzkill.

The crowd was all excited and totally got behind helping her out with love and good cheer.

Crowd> Go Mumor! We love you!
Crowd> You rock, Mumor!
Crowd> I love you're movies!
Crowd> Mumor, will you sign my bathing suit?
Crowd> Sing "Gentleness Of You" next!

Actually, I hoped she would sing "Forever Love"
Snuggleteddy> massugu futari wo terashita
Snuggleteddy> yuuyake kirameiteru
Snuggleteddy> ima made kanjita koto nai kurai
Snuggleteddy> mune no fukaku ga atsui

Then Mumor busted out with special dance moves to really get that demon guy's goat right by the handle of his staff.

Watching and dancing along to all her music videos really paid off.

She's like:

Mumor : Now it's time to use my ultimate attack, the Dancing Force! You're going back to where you belong, Ullegore!

I was, like, not sure how dancing was going to get him to go to Walmart, dude, but I trust Mumor implicitly.

Mumor : Shining Summer Samba!!!
Snuggleteddy performs a passionate samba.
Mumor and Snuggleteddy's dancing Synchronized!
Ullegore : Argh!

Mumor : Lovely Miracle Waltz!!!
Snuggleteddy performs an elegant waltz.
Mumor and Snuggleteddy's dancing Synchronized!
Ullegore : Argh!

Mumor : Neo Crystal Jig!!!
Snuggleteddy performs an intricate jig.
Mumor and Snuggleteddy's dancing Synchronized!
Ullegore : Argh!

Mumor : Super Crusher Jig!!!
Snuggleteddy performs a lively jig.
Mumor and Snuggleteddy's dancing Synchronized!
Ullegore : Argh!

Of course, she won. Was there ever any doubt?

I cheered for every time she tried to have a concert for us, but it became clear.

Ullegore, is like, totally stalking her.

It made me so mad, I was practically crying. My Mumor cosplay mascara was running when I made a video for You-tube:

Snuggleteddy> LEAVE MUMOR ALONE!
Snuggleteddy> All you people care about is making money off of her!
Snuggleteddy> She's a HUME!
Snuggleteddy> What you don't realize is that Mumor's making you all this money and all you do is write a bunch of crap about her!
Snuggleteddy> All you people want is more more more more MORE!
Snuggleteddy> Leave her alone!
Snuggleteddy> You're lucky she even performed for you bastards!
Snuggleteddy> Leave Mumor ALONE!!!!

Your lucky numbers

2008-05-11T19:26:00.001-07:00

I was focusing on my crystals, wondering if the time had come to turn them over the the auction house for cash, when I heard the distant voice of a Moogle saying "Your lucky numbers are 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42."

Clearly, I was meant to participate in the Mog Bonanza, but there were some challenges to that.

First challenge - in order to buy a lottery ticket, one must at least be level 5. Upon arriving in Jeuno, I was only level 4.

Second challenge - Tickets are not sold in Jeuno, but even if they were, it wouldn't matter without resolving the first challenge.

Third challenge - my homepoint is now in Jeuno.

I called up Butcherboy and asked him whether he wanted to make a suicidal run with me. Galka are generally incapable of thought when asked for a favor by a woman. Of course he readily agreed.

Plus, I think Meroduin had called him and demanded he try for the gil, as if Butcherboy would give it to the elf to sit on.

We gathered together in Rolanberry Mall, I think - hard to say, it's not like I'm allowed to spend money on maps. In any case, there were lots of bazaars full of stuff no one wanted.

Wearing fishing gear, we decided it was best not to stand still lest Square mistake us for fishing bots. We headed west.

And came to a Cavernous Maw.

Butcherboy>> Let's touch it.
Jeine>> What could go wrong?

Hello CaitSith>> Tee hee! was someone here?

I ended up in Batallia Downs S. Butcherboy in Rolanberry Fields S.

Holding up a pure white feather, we returned to the present. I was greeted by some tigers.

If only I had learned the art of reading the future told in entrails, this would have been a perfect opportunity to practice.

Butcherboy met me back in Jeuno, and we got a teleport to Dem this time. From there it was an easy jog to the zone between North and South Gustaburg where the Quadav gang raped the Galka.

Young Quadav>> I hear you likes the meat, cully!
Butcherboy>> ...
Amber Quadav>> You gotz a purty mouth!

I used the distraction to run for my life. I'm not proud of it.

But, if the stars align and I buy the ticket with the golden wrapper, then Butcherboy's sacrifice will have been worth it,

MOG BONANZA MADNESS

2008-05-11T17:02:00.001-07:00

It's that time again! Time for mules to drum up some crazy and make everyone nuts! And so it begins.

Gambling.

We all know that Moogles have a gambling problem. And now they want to pass it on to us.

We get 10 chances, to pick a five digit number, and if all 5 digits match the number they pulled out of their furry little butts, we get a crack at....

*thunk*

Now that I have recovered, I have to consider important things, like what numbers to use. How should I use my forty chances? Lump betting? Consecutive spread? Lucky numbers? Numbers associated with my identity?

Halp.

School's been out for 20 years

2007-12-11T13:04:00.000-08:00

Everyone has been so excited about the Wings of the Goddess, as if the prospect of "new" jobs to level is a great and wonderful thing. Let's analyze, shall we?

In order to unlock the mighty potential of the Scholar, you first need to locate a Cavernous Maw.

Have you seen these things? Apparently they appeared during the Crystal War and no one bothered to figure them out, they just accepted that these classic Japanese Nightmare monsters had every right to suddenly be there. Now they've appeared again.

The name is apt. It is a humongous mouth. Being adventurers, you people see these things and decide that touching them is a good idea.

You don't get nearly what you deserve for that.

From what I've seen, the thing turns you into sparkles like anime bodily fluids, and then inhales you. For those of you who had any doubt, the Cavernous Maw apparently swallows.

And spits.

It spits you out in the past, where no matter that you have achieved rank 10 or defeated god's toes, some low-level punk who doesn't even know what merits are comes up and calls you "citizen" with San d'Orian pretension.

But you think it's all worth it for the chance to unlock jobs that have been extinct for decades.

Which makes you happiest, the ability to dance with the stars at the Lion Spring's Tavern? If you have any self-respect you'll never be able to go back there again.

Or the ability to dress like a school girl while not being able to cast anything special?

Has it occurred to you to stop and think about how no one has bothered with these jobs for so long?

There was a war, and everyone who was these jobs died.

A lot.

If there were any dancers left over, they were killed by friendly fire. All that pirouetting and stomping seriously gets on a Black Mage's nerves.

And scholars, what's that big grimoire for? Certainly wasn't to prevent a dagger to the face. Vellum isn't as strong as all that. Nor to prevent a Fire IV.

Some people say Scholars are really powerful when they're older than dirt. Unfortunately, they can't cast spells or hit anything when they're low level, so getting older than dirt doesn't really happen.

Getting dead, there scholars excel.

OMG MY GIL

2007-11-21T11:28:00.001-08:00

YOU BASTARD! YOU DON'T NEED A FREAKING LIFE SIZED DOLL OF YOURSELF! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WASTED ALL MY GIL ON A F**KING MANNEQUIN! YOU SUCK! DO YOU HEAR ME? YOU SUCK!

Madness abounds

2007-10-12T12:50:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have become embroiled in madness of epic proportions. A crazed woman, desperate for the barely legal love of El Jefe, has begun pursuing him with all the stealth and eagerness of a hippo in heat. Not a starved zoo hippo, a wild hippo from the river jungles of the Amazon, one bent on her object and caring nothing for the thorns and creepers in her path. No, this hippo has plunged forward madly, caring not upon who she trampled or what lies she must tell to achieve her goal.

Thus, for instance, her offer to pay for part of a noble relic in exchange for a ring on her finger, has now become in her twisted mad hippo mind, an attempt by El Jefe to trick her out of her hard earned gil so that he could have a relic on his mule.

Chocolate: I am not a mule, you crazy bitch!

At any rate, because Hippo-in-heat can't trust people and doesn't understand friendship, she can only judge people by her own pathetic, miserable experiences. We should all feel sorry for her, but she makes it very hard. She should be in a zoo, then she would get all the attention she craves and the medical attention that she so desperately needs. And most importantly, she wouldn't be able to stalk El Jefe anymore.

How to Score a Geek Girl #3

2007-06-27T13:39:00.000-07:00

Ok, so like these other girls were talking about how to score a geek girl, and I was like, you are both totally weird, and I thought I would give it a try myself. Not like I could do any worse!

1) Why do geek girls find geek guys attractive? Does it go beyond the ill-fitting clothes, the recent stench of stale pizza and spilled mountaindew, and the CRT radiation-burned eyeballs?

Um... it's the fact that you guys think our weird is cute and not creepy. We can talk to you about our passions: modeling (that's Warhammer modeling, not stupid chicks in bikinis), military history, gaming (pen and paper, computer, video - not gambling), string theory, creating worlds from the ground up and then destroying them... and you guys will actually listen. That's HAWT.

Plus, we can clean you. We can't teach jocks about why the Second Silesian War was so vital to the future development of Europe. Sure, they may be prettier to look at, but that shit gets old fast. Stupid jocks.

2) What can a geek guy do to get a geek girl to notice him?

PAY ATTENTION TO ME. Yeah, so I don't tell you about my day at work (we're geeks, our day at work involved pretty much the same stuff as yesterday). But ask me about my latest LS drama. Ask me about that new pattern I just bought for my new costume. Tip: I probably hate everyone I work with, don't ask about them unless I seem pissed off. But always feel free to discuss the new shineys with me (I <3 my Zune).

3) Does a geek girl judge a geek guy on the technology that he surrounds himself with?

Let me rephrase that for you:

3) Does a geek judge another geek on the technology that he surrounds himself with?

Of course I do. But I won't hold it against you - I just want to know what who where why and how. And then I'll show you mine. You remember this game from kindergarten, don't you? It's not girls and boys, it's stuff and friends. "... first ya gotta be my friend..." You know how it goes. If I can't talk to you, I'm not gonna be interested in you for very long.

4) True/False: Geek girls are more affectionate than non-geek girls. Why?

True. Well, for one thing, we're not scared of boys. You guys are like cute scared little bunnies. You're much less likely to be physically abusive of me (and if you are, I'm probably not going to take it) so I am not particularly afraid of you. (Please note: I'm much more likely to hurt you. And get away with it.) This lack of fear leads to trust, trust leads to snuggles, and snuggles lead to... scared bunnies with claw marks on their backs. I'm just saying.

5) What is the one conversation topic that a geek girl can't resist?

Me.

That actually applies to most girls. I think I'm fascinating, the stuff I do everyday is thrilling (in game at least), and I'm quite possibly the pinnacle of human perfection. If you agree, we'll have a lot to talk about. Don't be too obvious tho, no one likes a suck up.

Well...

If you were sincere....

Moving on.

6) Have you ever used your girl geekiness to sway the outcome of an event that a geek boy controlled? Say, for example, your ability to acquire an Xbox 360 on the day of release?

EB Games salesmen the world over can attest to the answer to this question.

Oh Hell Yes.

Magic melons, indeed. They're there for a reason, and they don't let me down.

I try to only use my powers for good. My good.

7) Do geek boys make better long term relationship partners that non-geeks? Why?

Seeing as I am single and have been for years, I can't really answer that question. But I suspect the answer is yes. There may be people who are prettier to look at than me (maybe) but I am intrinsically more interesting than all of them put together. The same is true of geek boys. Who can get bored with a boy who helps you design the perfect villain lair for your next dungeon? That's love.

Now I feel lonely.

8) True/False: Geek girls are impressed by geek boys that continuously show them how much smarter they are.

FALSE. That's annoying in anybody. I don't mind you joining up with me to look down on the rest of the universe. But showing off smarts is best done with ... smarts. Being a show off is stupid and annoying. Tip: I don't really like being beaten at video games. Having a victory handed to me is cute sometimes, but don't make a practice of it. Save it for special days. I far prefer your geeky and obscure sense of humor.

9) Amongst the members of the tribe 'geek', sexism does not exist. All geeks are created equal, therefore all are paid equal. Is this true in your experience?

My job title says you are lying. My paycheck says you are lying too. Sexism does exist, as does racism, colorism, originism... we're geeks, but still human. You can rise above it (and I appreciate it when you do) but that doesn't make it not exist.

10) What is the worst pick up line that a geek boy has used on you?

Tip: I WILL NOT TRY ON THAT UHURA AND/OR PRINCESS LEIA OUTFIT YOU GOT ON EBAY. EVER. JUST SEND IT BACK. NOW.

Reeree says you're super-retarded

2007-06-20T11:53:00.000-07:00

Does that make you a superhero? I LOVE superheros! They're all woosh and kapow and zowie!

Okay so one time, my master asked me to go to Selbina to sit around and sell meat mithkaboberoos cause that whats-her-name who's always there always sells them so it must be a good way to make lots of gils, so I was like okay!

I handed over my chocobo ticket at the stables and got to ride a big chicken halfway across West Ronfaure! Giddy up birdy! Ba-caw! And he was all Kweh Kweh! It was so much fun and then he dropped me in front of a goblin fisherguy and ran kweh kweh kweh kweh all the way home. Bye bye birdio!

I said Hello Mr. Fishergoblinguy! and he goes grrruh and so I'm all stabbity! and he's all, like, urk! I got a fishing rod!

I sang a song all the way across La Theine Plateau, I LOVE singing.
Squirt> Ay not I, O not Ow,
Squirt> Pounding pounding in our brain.
Squirt> Ay not I, O not Ow, Don't say "Rine," say "Rain"...
Squirt> The rain in La Theine stays mainly on the plain!

Lumbering Lambert> Baaaaaaa. Stop singing.
Squirt> Okay, Mr. Mountain.
Lumbering Lambert> You realize I have to kill you anyway.
Squirt shrugs.
Lumbering Lambert> Baaaaaaa. Why are you smiling?
Squirt points at Huangsevensixtytwo.
Squirt waves goodbye to Lumbering Lambert.
Huangsevensixtytwo hits Lumbering Lambert for 6 points of damage.
Squirt> Thanky-wanky, Mr. Gilseller, bye bye!

I didn't wait to see who would win because I had meat to sell and I didn't think either of them wanted to buy any.

I didn't make any more friends in La Theine, I just waved at a few orcs and some grasshopper mushroom guys, and then I was in Valkurm Dooooooooooooms.

Reeree told me I should bring supplies to the nice people at the outpost so that if I ever get to level 10 I could go back here and suffer without having to walk. I don't know what that means, but I figure the outpost people would like presents. I LOVE presents. I was only halfway there when I started to see why Reeree says this place is full of ultimate suffering.

Raykoh> hay guise, grate news. my girl is going to come pl.

I'd never seen a mule that was big and strong enough to power-level people, and Reeree says I should always look out in case I meet someone who might join our cause, so I was like, spy time!

Out comes Starllight with her long black hair and her Hume RSE gear. I thought, she's really pretty, so she must be good! Then she noticed me watching.

Starllight> i pl this party
Squirt> Um, okay nice lady.
Starllight> DON'T HEAL THEM. I'M TEH PL!
Squirt> ...
Squirt> Okay.
Raykoh> Don't heal plz or my girl will leave.
Squirt> ...
Squirt> I'm THF7.
Raykoh> WTF is wrong with you, faggot? GO AWAY!
Squirt> Huh?
Starllight> that's it, I'm leaving. this fag pissed me off
Squirt> Wait!
Starllight> WHAT??!?!?!!11
Squirt> Reeree says your RSE hotpants give you really bad camel-toe.
Squirt> I don't think your shoes look like camels at all, though.
Starllight cast warp.
Raykoh> why you have to be such an asshole?
Squirt> ...
Squirt> I'm just here to sell meat-tarts.
Raykoh> FUCK YOU! STOP HELPING US AND GO AWAY!!!!111
Squirt> This placey-wacey must be what happened to Shantoto.
Raykoh> STFU FAG!

I looked around to see if there was some kind of beasty-man that maybe charmed away his brains. All I saw was a level 75 Black Mage guy with cute blond hair and an anime villain smirk on his face.

Not long after that, another PL showed up. I thought maybe I should try selling something.

Squirt> Hi! Do you like cat?
Catty> ...
Squirt> Oh, sorry, kitty-cat lady.
Squirt> Reeree wants me to ask you something.
Squirt> If I told you not to PL that party, that'd be like, crazy, right?
Catty> a little, yeah.
Squirt> Just checking! You're nice.
Catty> Who would say that?
Squirt points at Raykoh.
Squirt> What if, like, my boyfriend was healing and didn't want you to help him?
Squirt> Still crazy, right?
Catty> Certifiable.

Starllight showed back up wearing wedding gear.

Squirt> Wowies! That's really pretty!
Starllight> my bf got it for me because he worships me
Starllight spanks Raykoh on the ass.
Starllight spanks Raykoh on the ass.
Starllight spanks Raykoh on the ass.
Squirt> How come he didn't buy the +1 then?
Starllight casts warp.

Squirt> I need to go home before I get this crazy on me.
Squirt> Okay, bye!

Fear and Loathing in Valkurm Dunes

2007-06-19T09:12:00.000-07:00

There are many mysteries in The Universe, among them why people behave the way they do. Why do people sub blu on thf at level 12? Why do people go to the dunes with level 1 gear and no food, but then claim that 'i iz not a noob!' and look surprised that no one wants to party with them? And why would you go to the dunes with a powerleveler that refuses to accept any help at all in the loathsome process of powerleveling? A powerleveler with no refresh, who takes damage from the xp mobs that people are fighting, and slows down the rate of xp because he/she/it has to rest between every fight because he/she/it is wearing town gear instead of +mp or better yet, mp resting gear?

As I said, there are many mysteries in The Universe and many of them are totally unfathomable. It is not worth the effort of trying to comprehend them all, just avoid them as best you can.

[GM] Lokoi>> Ok, I've dealt with the player who called you and your friend foul names, he won't be bothering you anymore. What was his girlfriend's name again? The so-called 'powerleveler' in Wedding gear with the S&M emotes?

As I was saying, the best way to deal with people of boundless stupidity coupled with bottomless vulgarity and no sense of self preservation is avoidance.

More importantly however, is how to prevent yourself from becoming one of these people. Simply follow these rules and you will be prevented from making a complete jackass of yourself, no matter where you are:

Make out with your significant other in Real Life, not in the game. Show your love quietly, by buying each other flowers or Scorpion Harnesses +1. Do not make macros for your stupid emotes for your creepy sexual behavior. NO ONE CARES. Take that shit to the Kobka Hostel, that's what it is for. The Dunes are for a different kind of suffering.
Learn to accept help gracefully. A good example of how to do this is simply saying 'Thanks,' 'thnx,' 'YOU ROCK!,' or buy trading a substantial amount of gil. A bad example would be the following: RmpgngJakaz >> STOP CURING MY PARTY OR MY GIRLFRIEND WILL LEAVE YOU ****ING F****T! followed by IDoIt4Cash >> OMG I WAS PL Y U CURE FINE I LEAVE YOU ***H*** F****T JERK! I WAS PL! and other similar tells to someone who is curing a party full of wounded people as he randomly passes by and sees some anonymous person in Hume RSE who is trying to rest for MP but keeps getting smacked in the face by a Goblin Mugger while the party tries desperately not to die. Such behavior just tends to reinforce the fact that you are insane, and should not be listened to for your own good, not to mention the good of the party. People who stop to help deserve thanks, not abuse. And asking someone not to help makes you look very insane. Shouting it with 50% of your words being insults and slurs makes it worse. No one is going to listen to you when you act that way.
Final Fantasy XI is an online game, not a Christian S&M Club. People don't pay their monthly fee just so they have a safe place to get bashed and then turn the other cheek. Unless you see someone named 'Jesus' walking around, expect that you might have to deal with people treating you as you deserve when you choose to act like an ass. If you start off with rude comments, then you might get some back. Don't be surprised. Not everyone will blacklist you right away. Sometimes - especially if they have a point to prove - they'll give it back as good as they get, if not better.
Lern 2 spel gud. Your l33tsp34k will only go so far against someone who can type in complete sentences with coherency running through their entire tirade. And frankly, GMs tend to listen to coherent intelligent people more than they do crappy text messaging talk.
Pick your battles wisely. This actually applies both to xp mobs and offending people. There's a reason you can /check monsters, it's so that you can see if you are likely to win or have your ass handed to you. Similarly, there is a reason you can /check other players, it's so that you can gauge how much time and effort they have put into the game. Most people who have put a lot of time and effort into the game have a lot to show for it. They're a bit proud of their accomplishments, and they sadly, have a tendency to look down on other people who don't quite live up to their standards. Insulting them might be fun, but, in the end, probably unwise. Do you really want your name slapped with the 'drama whore' label whenever you try to join an endgame linkshell? You could just go the route of making your own endgame linkshell to avoid the labeling issue, but then you'll only attract people who a) have never heard of you and have no real endgame experience and b) people who have heard of you and plan to use your stupidity to their advantage before they leave for another world/shell run by retards/WoW. Speaking of which, Nough, we don't miss you. And your last hope for a shell just broke yesterday. Hah hah.
Buy decent gear. You don't have to have the best gear, but what you are wearing should not cause convulsive laughter in the people around you. +1 gear is overkill in the Dunes (albeit, useful and fun overkill) but wearing level 1 gear in the Dunes makes you look like a filthy gilseller. Also, fill all the spots you reasonably can. There's no need to spend 100,000 on level 1 earrings but if there are level 10 earrings that you can get and wear for a mere 1,000 gil, BUY THEM. Sell fire crystals. Do repeatable quests for gil. Race your chocobo. ANYTHING. But don't go to the Dunes looking like a reject from Long Wang Ho's Gil Sweatshop. Get some shoes from the NPC armor shop. SOMETHING. You need to able to survive at least one hit, even if you are a taru summoner.
Learn your job. It doesn't matter what you know, you're not in the Dunes to KNOW, you're in the Dunes to LEARN. That means working with your party, asking questions (just not too many, and try to keep them relevant, e.g., "When should I use Curaga?" is a good question to ask ("Near the end of a fight or after the fight is over, or in emergencies.") but "Can I have 3,000 gil?" is not ("No, go farm you lazy scumbag."). You don't KNOW this job, you've never played it or you wouldn't be in the Dunes leveling it, now would you? It certainly helps to be a good player overall, but you still don't KNOW the job. Learn it, and don't assume you know it better than someone else. No one cares that you have a level 75 Black Mage when you are leveling Monk. And no one believes you when you brag about your 5 level 75 job character that you had on a different server, so just give it up.
Actions speak louder than words. But remember, words are pretty loud, too. Choose your words carefully, and remember, you will always be responsible for the words you say and the actions you take. Especially when they are timestamped and logged.
And finally, the most important step to not making a complete jackass out of yourself: Don't be a jackass. It's a game, you're playing it with other people. They have a right to their own opinions, they have different needs and goals than you, and they probably don't live close enough to seriously consider coming over to your house and killing you. But just because you are probably safe from physical retribution doesn't give you a blanket license to be a complete bottom-feeding dipshit to everyone you meet. When you join a party, you are all supposed to be working for a common goal, whether that is XP or items, it doesn't matter - you have to work together to get the job done. Don't make the process any more painful than it has to be. Pull your weight, try to get along with people, and if you have concerns speak up or get out. Don't just be an obstructive jackass to the other people in your party who are actually trying. Maybe you might actually get to have some fun that way.

Chocobo Tails and Cards

2007-06-04T13:12:00.000-07:00

Let's get this out of the way first: I'm mildly compulsive, so I really can't stop playing this game. Unless I start playing some game with collectible monsters that is wholly outside my current genre.

Second, this isn't a game for children, not really. Sure, kids can play it. But what kid would get the humor inherent in the line "This one is too buttery?" Or grasp the irony of a Black Mage running up and casting Blizzaga... on a book... inside a volcano about to erupt? I think this game was aimed more at commuters and people stuck in boring offices or classes. Not... that I think students would waste valuable time blowing at a hamster to inflate his balloon so that he can get the cheese and not get eaten by a dragon instead of paying attention to their professors.

I'm rather curious to know if this blog thingy will work.

Anyway... something will happen if you leave the chocobo alone for a while.

About the game... you do the sort of crazed things that chocobos do in their spare time. You know, living a storybook to save the world. Or dodging bombs, blowing hamsters, identifying job classes by their gear, and of course, playing cards under the arcane guidance of Dueler X, or Mog, as everyone else left in the world calls him. Anybody remember the "Teach Me, Mogster" musical number from FFIX? Or for that matter, the masked hero from Lunar: Silver Star Story? I'm going outside my particular idiom with that one though, just ignore the transgression....

Final Fantasy Fables: Chocobo Tales is fun. It's also silly, and will make you question your sanity as you end up losing your adamantoise off a cliff for the fifteenth time trying to get the best score possible (0.35m for me!*). It's one of those games that will have you look up and go "Did I miss my stop?" or "Does that clock say 3 am?" I haven't gotten to the WiFi part (an epic tale in and of itself, why on earth doesn't the DS support WPA? Seriously. Bah, idiom, ignore that!) but I hear there's a best scores board out there. We all know how competitive chocobos are.

I recommend it to all my friends, including all you people who read this. It's a really good way to spend those pesky windows while waiting for some giant adamantoise to pop, as opposed to falling off a cliff (I admit I let the tiny adamantoise die a few times in revenge) or some pesky dragon to finally finish doing his hair and nails and show up in the Aery. Just make sure your party knows to do a to snap you out of your Chocobo heroics.

*Decimal place was in the wrong point, sorry. The idea that 'less' is 'better' never quite sits right with me.

Some Damned Expensive Rocks

2007-05-12T10:51:00.001-07:00

So Moogle went gambling, and came home with these two really dark rocks.

"It's ore, kupo! It's really valuable!"

"That's great Moogle, now... WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?"

After some argument, Moogle convinced me to send the rocks to be sold in Jeuno, and that the value of the rocks would convince me to not be angry.

So I sent the rocks to Butcherboy, and he asks, "Do you want me to try having them made into beads first or should I sell them as they are?"

I told him I had no idea what he was talking about. Who would make rocks into beads, and why would I want beads over rocks?

"Well, you see," Butcherboy explained, "it's not actually a black rock, it's a chunk of dark ore. Filled with dark elemental energy, extremely valuable, and used to make dark beads for use in elemental staves and jewelry."

o.O

"So I could take the risk and --"

"NO RISK! YOU WILL NOT RISK MY PRECIOUS PRECIOUS PROFITS!"

Once Butcherboy stopped using horrible workds like "risk" and "possible loss through crafting" we agreed to sell the rocks - I mean ores - as they were.

"How long will it be before I can collect my sweet profits?" I asked.

"Oh, you know goldsmiths," said Butcherboy, "they'll probably be sold by the time I get back to my mog house."

"Hah hah... you are joking right?"

"Nope," said Butcherboy with a grin, "they've sold, I'll run back out and send this gil to you so you can go ... do whatever it is you do with all that gil."

O.o

Who pays this much for rocks? Seriously? Why would... who would...

I made a huge pile of my gil and sat on it. Then I fell asleep and had weird dreams about gil falling from the sky and growing from my flowerpots. When I woke up, Moogle was gone. He left a note this time, "GONE GAMBLING, WILL COME BACK WITH MORE ORES OR NOT AT ALL."

Choco!

2007-05-09T13:54:00.000-07:00

Reeree says if you are going to raise chocobos then you need to get a fast food business license or it's a complete waste of time and gil. I don't think that's right, though. I don't get what french fries and Pepsi have to do with chocobo raising. Reeree says I should ask Purdue or Foster, but I don't know those people. Reeree says try Colonel Sanders but I couldn't find him or his special thingamawhosie.

I LOVE chocobos!

I don't think the NPCs who take care of them do a very good job, though. For some reason they won't let me keep my chocobo in my Mog House, but they don't ever feed him unless I go over there to watch.

This one time, my chocobo was tired, so I told them to let him rest. I was like, if I was tired, I would take a nap, so why not?

Reeree says they drug them and you can't call them organic after you do that. I don't think that's right, but Reeree's really smart and I don't know how else to explain it.

I don't know what happened, but the next few times I checked on my chocofriend he was still all sleepyheaded and wouldn't wake up for me.

I brought him green things to munch on, but he couldn't eat them while he was sleeping and the silly trainer people couldn't make him wake up.

Squirt>> He looks really skinny-winny.
Hantileon>> That's because he's starving to death.
Squirt>> !
Squirt>> Why aren't you feeding him, Mr. Chocobo trainer?
Hantileon>> He's your bird, and he's asleep.
Squirt>> But, can't you feed him when he wakes up?
Hantileon>> Sure.
Hantileon>> Just come back with food at that time.
Squirt>> Will you call me if he wakes up?
Hantileon>> Of course not! Why would you ask that?

It made me sad that my chocobo was starving to death in his sleep, but Reeree says there's nothing you can do about it besides preheating the oven to 350 degrees, but I'm not sure how that helps.

I went back the next day to see how my chocobo was doing.

Squirt>> Is my chocobo awake yet?
Hantileon>> Good news! Your chocobo is finally awake!
Squirt>> Yay!
Squirt>> Um... where is he?
Hantileon>> Bad news! Your chocobo has run away!
Squirt>> WHAT?
Hantileon>> He was pretty mad at you.
Squirt>> What?? Why?
Hantileon>> Well, for one, you never feed him.
Squirt>> ...
Hantileon>> He's been starving for weeks now.
Squirt>> ...
Squirt>> Why did you let him get out without feeding him?
Hantileon>> What do you mean?
Squirt>> You're here to watch him.
Hantileon>> That's right!
Hantileon>> I watched him run away.
Squirt>> Why didn't you stop him?
Hantileon>> What do you mean?
Squirt>> He's been all sleepy-weepy for weeks, and weak from hunger.
Hantileon>> That's right! You're not a very good chocobo raiser.
Squirt>> So how did a weak, sleepy-headed chocobo get loose when you were here?
Hantileon>> I don't understand your question.
Squirt>> Why are you even here?

The next few times I checked in at the stables, all they could tell me was that my chocobo was off roaming the wild places by himself, and they couldn't figure out how to bring him home.

Squirt>> What about the whistle?
Hantileon>> That doesn't work in town.
Squirt>> But if I go outside and blow this whistle, he'll come to me.
Hantileon>> Yup.
Squirt>> So, would you mind coming outside to bring him back to the stable?
Hantileon>> Can't do that.
Squirt>> So, what are you doing to try and get him back?
Hantileon>> I don't understand your question.
Squirt>> You say he left because he doesn't like me?
Hantileon>> That's right.
Squirt>> But he comes when I call him.
Hantileon>> That's right.
Squirt>> And he won't come back here to the stables.
Hantileon>> That's right.
Squirt>> Where YOU are.
Hantileon>> That's right.
Squirt>> ...
Squirt>> WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY CUTE BIRDIE YOU MEANIE-STUPID HEAD?
Hantileon>> Hey there, no need to shout.
Hantileon>> That's the sort of thing that marks you as not a very good chocobo raiser.

Eventually, he came home, but Reeree says it would be better to have Moogle shoot him in the back of the head with a Power Bow than allow him to continue to suffer his existence. I'm not sure how being shot in the head is a good idea, though so I told Reeree to stop trying to make me cry.

I tried to play games with him, but he wasn't very good at them.

Squirt>> Aren't birdies supposed to be smarter than this one?
Hantileon>> Yes, most all of them are.
Squirt>> He just walked into a wall!
Hantileon>> Looks like your chocobo is injured.
Squirt>> Why does he do things like that?
Hantileon>> Well, you never fed him any smart food.
Hantileon>> So now it's too late, and he's destined to be retarded forever.
Squirt>> ...
Squirt's eyes brim over with tears.
Squirt>> YOU NEVER LET ME FEED HIM ANYTHING!
Squirt>> Tell the chocobo-trainer what you told me.
Chocobo>> Kweh?
Squirt>> No, no, the other thing.
Chocobo>> U RUIND MY LIVE!
Chocobo>> RUIND!!!!!

Oh Nough You Didn't

2007-05-04T21:18:00.001-07:00

First of all, you know that people named after words just can't be trusted. So there's this guy, Nough. It's pronounced 'no' if you were wondering. (And I'm sure that you were.) Please keep in mind that his is a wholly fictional account based on various incidents. Any resemblence to persons currently sobbing in a corner are totally incidental.

When you party with people, or do bizarre events with them, in fact, any time you are forced to join a party there is a Treasure Pool. Things will drop into it. Usually, out of politeness, people will just let items fall where they may. Sometimes, someone may have a specific need for certain crystals ("Can I lot the water crystals? I'm an alchemist." "Can I lot the fire crystals? I'm broke as hell.") or perhaps the entire purpose of the event was to kill a monster and get an item. Usually, ownership of this coveted item is decided beforehand ("Your orb, your loot.") and are generally not at all complicated. For example, he who trades the orb gets all the loot that drops. When the next person trades their orb, they are entitled to that loot. And so forth. And that brings us back to Nough.

Nough joined in on one of these simple events with me (what can I say? the Big Man can do it alone but you need a minimum number of people to get in or something, I wasn't really paying attention.) and the rule was: The Big Man decides who gets what, since El Jefe was ... unavailable. There will be no discussion, discussions waste time. We had a large group of people, some of them were doing this just to get it done, some of them wanted shiny items. But the rule was stated clearly: The Big Man decides, no one else.

Apparently, what is clear to a simple, goodhearted mule is completely unfathomable to someone who has spent years working on their jobs and adventuring and earning a decent reputation. Or perhaps the sight of shiny things makes adventurers go crazy. I've never really been very sure.

You find a Shiny Thing on the Big Wussy Monster.
You find a Neat Pants on the Big Wussy Monster.
You find a Fire Crystal on the Big Wussy Monster.
The Big Man: Okay, Chocolate, you lot that Shiny Thing and lets move on.
Nough: El Jefe said I could have the next Shiny Thing.
Butcherboy: Oh, this will be fun.
The Big Man: What? No he didn't.
Nough: Yes he did! He totally did! He said I could have if because I was so nice last time and didn't make a scene! He said I could have the next one! Just call him if you don't believe me!*

Please note: El Jefe is off doing something where calling him would be ... Bad. Also, useless.

<El Jefe> Abrázame con la piernas ¿así?... ¡Qué coño! <click>

The Big Man: Ok, the last thing El Jefe said to me before he left was that I was in charge. And I told you all before we came, that I was in charge and I would decide who gets what.
Nough: ....

Chocolate's lot for the Shiny Thing: 23 points.

Butcherboy: Heh, good thing you don't have to beat anybody with that pathetic lot, Chocolate.

Nough's lot for the Shiny Thing: 938 points.
Nough's lot for the Neat Pants: 201 points.

The Big Man: wtf?
Chocolate: 凸(｀$´メ）
Butcherboy: Did you just try to ninja lot?
PersonX: You can't even wear the pants you idiot!
Butcherboy: And we haven't even all passed yet, you moron.
The Big Man: Pass, right now or else.
Nough: NO! It's not fair, I always get fucked over, I never get the stuff I want, even tho I come to every event! It's mine and I'm lotting for it!** °
Butcherboy: You've been in this shell for a week. Almost.
Chocolate: I think he came with baggage.
The Big Man: Well, he's not leaving with our stuff.

Nough has left your party.
Nough is no longer a member of your linkshell.

And then Nough got humiliated on national television (or at least the Vana'diel equivalent).

But Chocolate got her Shiny Thing! And some other person who didn't do anything very interesting (i.e., he didn't contribute to the crazy) got the Neat Pants! I got a free Fire Crystal! The Big Man got to crush someone like a bug! And El Jefe...

<El Jefe> ¿Vienes de una vez, coño? ¡Guau!

*I compressed a spread out period of babbling into one sentence to make the story a) coherent and b) flow better.

**Again, the actual babblings were much more spread out and insane.

°<El Jefe> I said he would get one with us, not that he could have the next one.

Not even trying

2007-05-02T12:04:00.000-07:00

When I woke up this morning, I had the strangest compulsion to try my hand at fishing. It's not such a strange thing. You cast a line, you exhaust a living creature to the point where you can lift him into the air by a cheek piercing, then you hand him over to the crazy Tarutaru by the guild and run for the zone so you can do it all again.

There's boredom, pain, death, money, and fame. Only thing missing is fire.

I checked my delivery box to make sure the master hadn't sent me a bunch of imp wings or tiger fangs to sell. I promptly screamed, much to my embarrassment and the amusment of the moogle.

Moogle didn't even warn me.

In my delivery box, like a scene out of Indiana Jones, were piles and piles of insects squirming around and sliming one another. It was like watching a bunch of adventurers in Valkurm Dunes.

Also, there was a fishing pole.

I checked my messages.

Jeine>> Had a feeling you would want to go fishing today, so I sent you a pole and some bait.

That's just spooky.

No, I don't believe Jeine is psychic. Don't be retarded. What's spooky is you can mail live insects to people, unpackaged and unwrapped - you just put them in the mail and they show up in someone else's Mog House.

I wrote her a note of "thanks", took the pole and the bait, and headed off toward the fountain in Windurst Woods.

Appears I wasn't the only one who felt like fishing today. A circle of nine fishermen surrounded the fountain.

I took a spot on the bridge, cast my line into the river, and waited, an eerie feeling creeping over me.

The sound of nine fishing rods being cast simultaneously is surprisingly ominous.

I looked around at my fellow fishermen. All were hume males with face 1a. Their names were unpronounceable mashings of the keyboard. I decided to try to speak to them.

Reeree>> 怎么i 矿为鱼?
Reeree seems lost in thought.
Reeree>> Assalamu alaikum!

Nine fishing poles cast with such perfect synchronization - this could be an Olympic event.

Reeree>> script run ./fish?

Hgghhshhgh caught a Bastore Sardine!
Oddly, all the other eight waited patiently, doing nothing while Hgghhshhgh realed in his sardine.

Reeree>> 09 F9 11 02 9D 74 E3 5B D8 41 56 C5 63 56 88 C0?

It was clear they weren't going to answer me. I no longer held any desire for fishing today. Somehow, it just seemed dirty.

I placed a GM call to ask how they would prefer such obvious instances of botter cheating be reported.

Almost instantly there was red shimmering armor in front of me.
GM[Lokoi]>> Hail Adventurer!
Reeree>> Please don't feed me to a dragon!!
GM[Lokoi]>> Dave doesn't exist. How can I help you today?
Reeree>> See those people fishing over there?

He watched for about 5 seconds.

GM[Lokoi] starts casting Warpga.

Nine hume fishing bots vanished in perfect synchronization - this could be an Olympic event.

GM[Lokoi]>> Nope.
GM[Lokoi]>> Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Reeree>> No, thanks. I'm good.

I think about the cost of purchasing 9 copies of the game, setting up nine characters all on the same server, and having all your accounts banned in one shot. It almost makes me smile.

Man's Inhumanity to Man... well, Gilsellers.

2007-04-30T16:15:00.001-07:00

It is a great grief to me to see people justifying cruel and foolish behavior by saying "Well, I'm stealing from gilsellers!"

Mostly because most people think that anyone who has anything to do with gilsellers is probably a gilbuyer. It's one thing to MPK them, no one minds that. That's just a natural consequence of their own stupidity. It works equally well on gilbuyers and gilsellers.

Realplayer: Hey, stop stealing my xp mobs!
Gilseller: Kekekekeke!
Realplayer runs a train past the voke bots. Gilsellers die.

That's only to be expected.

Here's where the line gets fuzzy:

Suspectedgilbuyer: Hey I'm going up to sky late at night when no one else from the LS is around and I'm gonna steal stuff from gilsellers by saying I'm going to pay them lots of gil and then not trading it!

Or possibly this is just a blind to cover up your gilbuying activities. Either way, you just admitted to being a thief. So you're stealing from gilsellers. That's great! Now they'll have to make up more gil to cover up that loss - that is, if you really did steal from them. And you aren't just making up an elaborate story to cover up a massive gilbuying spree.

So you have screenshots of you getting items and being harassed for non-payment. From people we all know will do ANYTHING for money. So the occasional gilseller shows up and /shouts about how much they hate you. It could be real, but it seems to be just part of the Expanded Service Package.

But on the other hand, the gilsellers DO appear everywhere you go now, leading your LS to extreme annoyance. Which has one benefit: If you call a GM and say:

LSLeader: We are about to do a Kirin but there are gilsellers in the room and they are threatening us.

GM[Lokoi]*: BE RIGHT THERE!!

And now you get a guardian angel to save YOU from cheating gilsellers that YOU cheated out of millions. Because, well, let's be honest. Nobody really likes gilsellers. It's not fair, two wrongs don't make a right, blah blah blah. But the gilseller hating GM was pretty cool. So while two wrongs do not make a right, they do cause a GM to take an active (and visible) interest in your activities.

*Names have been changed to protect the ... innocent. Yes, the poor sweet innocent level 7 [snip] Mage with the Judge's Sword.

«Save» the «/cheer» «leader»

2007-04-18T11:48:00.001-07:00

«Save» the «world».

Ever since I noticed the mule Peterpetrelli in Jeuno, I've known.

My ability to read the future in crystals is a super power, just like those people have on TV.

And the world is going to end on November 8th.

Now, Peter is supposed to be in New York, so I'm not sure why he's in Jeuno, which everyone knows is equivalent to the Chicago O'Hare airport.

He'd be much closer if he were in the industrial wastelands of Bastok, which clearly equates to New Jersey.

In any case, I must consult the crystals to find out what path we must take.

Wind crystals show change, and tell of a time when Windurst will control the Gustaberg region.

Fire crystals show Giddeus burning. Well, at least no one will have to bring the Yagudo any more food. Curse them anyway.

I must meditate to learn more. If you see Peterpetrelli, remind him of his mission:

«Save» the «/cheer» «leader»

«Save» the «world».

Mules vs Moogles: Mule WIN!

2007-04-16T17:31:00.000-07:00

No one believed me when I suggested that the sheer numbers of mules could take on the event Moogles and run them out of town.

You all doubt because you fail at math.

Sure, Moogles have awesome spells, like Warpga II and Teleportga into Space, but that only helps them if they can avoid spell interruption. With thousands of attacks coming at them all the time, they'll fail just due to lag.

We ran them out with egg on their faces.

Like that guy who got married in game only to have his new bride decide to quit the game after pronouncing her devotion to someone (not her husband) via MT in /say in Aht Urghan Whitegate.

No, the other guy.

No, not him, I meant the other guy... okay, so that probably happens a lot.

Bad news is, your new wife is male. Good news is, now that he has all your cool stuff, you don't have to sleep with him any more.

So, after our success with the Moogle problem, we're offering a new service. You need someone run out of town, just hire Mule Team Borax. Good for male wives, gilsellers, gilbuyers, casino operators, people who shout offering Teleports, Quyen whom I've always just hated, and Janeru, whom apparently everybody hates.

Easter's almost over

2007-04-15T03:50:00.001-07:00

Dudes, you need to get your eggs today because April 16th at 1 PM PST the event is done. It's like when you're in the dunes and your party wipes for the fifth time because the Red Mage doesn't ever cast Dia on the crabs but does somehow manage to cast it on the dragon flies and link them all when you're fighting a Pugil and then the White Mage homepoints done.

I'm not saying you need an Egg Helm, cause dudes I got to be honest here, that is one unsexy hat. I don't think anyone would be sitting in my lap if I wore that all the time. Okay, so I'll wear it to capture the spirit of the event and all, but seriously, Moogle gives that away when you do the very first trade of the first three initials of your name, which is, like, required if you want any of the cool stuff.

If your like a mage dude, you need to get a fortune egg. Turn in any seven eggs of the same letter and you'll have +1% MP from your ammo slot.

If you've been a mage, you probably have one from like, three years ago, unless you accidentally threw it at a Promyvion boss or something, but if you're a noob, you want one. And there's not much time left.

Then you melee dudes can bust out with a happy egg. Yeah, you'll probably want to have a ranged weapon instead, but maybe if you're a Taru you could use the HP boost. That's the one where you turn in 8 letters in alphabetical order.

If you're obsessive compulsive, you'll also want an orphic egg. It's totally useless, unless you're in a party with a bard. If you're in a party with a bard, it's not useless, it just kinda sucks a little. But chicks think it's cool, so you should have one.

Make sure not to throw your eggs. It's a sad day when you accidentally click on ranged attack and miss only to later discover that your egg is gone and you have to go through this stupid event again next year.

Also make sure to decorate your mog house with all the furniture eggs. That's a little tricker as you have to look at the Conquest map and see who controls what region. Pick a region that's controlled by Windurst and spell out the first 5 letters for a Flower egg. Same for Bastok controled region for a Lamp egg, and San d'Oria controlled region for a Wing egg. This year you can do a region a second time to get a Jeuno special Jeweled egg.

You want to know the way to the Mithra's heart? Show them a Jeweled egg.

Partly it's 'cause Mithra are like Latina women, and they really like jewelry. Partly it's cause these eggs are totally lava lamps made of crystal, dudes.

They change colors. You and whatever you brought back to your Noble Bed will stare at them for like, hours.

Also, you're Moogle wants to have one for when he gets stoned so he can do your gardening with his poker buddies.

Time is almost up, but I still got some eggs for sale if you don't have time to get all you need before the Moogles pack up and start on the next crazy event. All eggs bought from me go to the Anjelique Memorial, as I said before.

Shout out to Wildjenna who finally got her chance to sit in my lap.

WOOT!

Looking forward to many happy returns, so maybe I won't get so sad thinking about Anjelique all the time.

Sighs, Headcrabs, and Disappearing Gil

2007-04-14T13:42:00.001-07:00

I have to say, that title wasn't actually inspired by anything. Well, the disappearing stack of gil caused me to sigh. But I'm pretty sure no headcrabs were involved anywhere.

Large numbers of stupid people have been removed from the economy. This has put a damper on my sales. Now I have to actually check prices and demand and track history, instead of just throwing things at the auction house and getting massive amounts of gil in return. This is, to say the least, inconvenient.

On the other hand, the removal of so many truly stupid and incompetent players has been a good thing overall. However, now all the averagely stupid people seem to be concentrated in Lower Jeuno, shouting for people to join their fantastic new linkshells. You know, I have a lot of faith in a linkshell where the leader is reported to be an openly bought account that has been in trouble for cheating in the past. Then again it is a European linkshell, they're probably more comfortable handing over half of everything they earn without questioning. But I don't really get how they can be so cushy with the Arabs, I thought that was just an American thing.

Every month, the GMs purge the system of large amounts of stupid people. Undercutting fishbots, gilselling banks, botters, gilbuyers, and my favorite, incredibly stupid people who create new characters with the same credit card that was used to create a character that has already been banned.

I still have no idea where the headcrabs came in though.

This is an obnoxious test.

2007-04-13T21:56:00.001-07:00

You know, like fighting a giant dragon with six people just to prove you can. Or perhaps like leveling Red Mage to 37 using only Puppetmaster as your subjob.

Actually the RDM/PUP thing is working out really well, so my Master tells me. The puppet gets to level Marksmanship and master gets to solo anything up to a Tough because his pet has regen, stoneskin, and comes back every 20 minutes.

Anyway, that is it for this test. More to come, now that I have found something that works with Blogspot and don't have to deal with the goofy web interface.

Joy of Cooking

2007-04-07T01:25:00.000-07:00

It's only fair if I'm constantly tasked with holding excess garbage that might one day be used as a crafting ingredient, I should get to try my hand at a craft too. After all, moogle gave me one of those special crystals for signing things - if I'm not going to craft ever, you would think I'd have been asked to throw it away by now.

Honestly, I'm not even allowed to hold on to pants - a functional item I could use to die less when sent outside.

I thought I would try my hand at cooking.

First, I cracked open a recipe book and started looking for something I felt like making. This would prove to be a tactical error.

Emperor Roe sounded yummy. Who doesn't like caviar? All it required was either an Emperor Fish or a Morinabaligi, which according to the Auction House is like an Emperor Fish except no one has actually ever seen one.

All you had to do was take this fish, worth about 5000 gil - another stumbling block - and microwave it for 60 seconds. Somehow, this reduces it to a jar of its unborn children. The recipe is unclear where the jar actually comes from.

Also, it's a level 82 recipe. I wouldn't have thought that you would need to level up to be able to microwave a fish, but perhaps if I ever do I'll understand how it transforms into eggs in the process.

I flipped a few pages back, but unfortunately my book was organized alphabetically instead of by level. I found myself staring at the recipe for Antica Broth.

The recipe calls for, as I stared in horrified fascination:
2 robes ripped off of dead Anticans
2 units of acidic Antican blood or vomit
Jello

And the basic instruction is to get all these ingredients wet.

You take two puked on Antican robes and mix them into a soggy fruitcake and this is used to summon an antlion who will then be your friend.

Maybe this isn't obvious to everyone, but this is a fundamentally flawed plan. Giant Enemy Ticks are never your friend, even if you feed them dead Ant Beastmen clothing jello.

Moving on, let's get out of the high level recipes, and find something to cook that is simple and not revolting.

Ah! Carrot broth, a level 3 recipe. Take four carrots and get them wet, and you are done. Much easier than pie.

Step 1, find carrots.

Some people will simply beeline for the Auction House at times like these, which is why it can be extremly profitable to purchase items from NPCs and sell them on the AH immediately for ten times what you paid. Not wanting to fall into that trap, I didn't.

Carrots can be found at the Cooking guild, conveniently located in Windurst Waters. As a rule, though, buying from the guild is akin to walking up to a gilseller and saying "How much to buy your linen robe? I have 2 million gil."

And in any case, when I tried to talk to the guild people it didn't go well.

Reeree>> I'd like to buy some carrots.
Chomo Jinjahl>> The shops hours are 5-20.
Reeree>> Okay... So, I'd like to buy some carrots.
Chomo Jinjahl>> The shop is closed.
Reeree>> No, you're the shop. And you're right here.
Reeree>> If you were closed, you'd go back to your Mog House.
Chomo Jinjahl>> The shop's hours are 5-20.
Reeree>> You have carrots right there.
Reeree>> I can see them.
Reeree>> You could sell them to me.
Reeree>> It wouldn't be any effort for you at all.
Chomo Jinjahl>> The shop is closed.
Reeree>> So... customer service, not your core value?
Chomo Jinjahl>> The shop's hours are 5-20.
Reeree>> I hope you die in a fire.

My non-guild merchant option was a regional merchant.

Reeree>> I'd like to buy some carrots.
Jourille>> I'd love to sell you carrots.
Reeree>> So, then sell them to me.
Jourille>> Yeah, no, I can't.
Reeree>> If you tell me you're closed, I swear I will count how many "W" eggs I can fit inside your corpse
Jourille>> What? No, I'm not closed. I'm open, I just can't get any merhandise in while Windurst doesn't control Ronfaure.
Reeree>> That's retarded. Why not?
Jourille>> I... I don't actually know.
Reeree>> Where do carrots come from that Conquest points would matter in acquiring them?
Jourille>> They're stolen from rabbits.
Reeree>> Rabbits don't have pockets.
Jourille>> Rabbits love to eat carrots, though.
Reeree>> Sure, but it's not as if they would carry them around... wait, you mean?
Jourille>> How do you think a Thief steals Giant Sheep Meat from a Tiger?
Reeree>> I'm going to be sick.

Maybe I won't take up cooking after all. I don't have the stomach for it.

Eggs for Anjelique

2007-04-04T11:38:00.000-07:00

Dudes, it's Easter week, and I'm selling eggs trying to get by. All I can think about is Anjelique.

She's gone.

Her master decided she wasn't needed anymore, and so all the stuff she was holding got cleared out, and now she's just gone. She's not going to Homepoint, dudes, she's gone forever.

Who will warm my lap now?

It could happen to any of us mules, at any time, don't think it couldn't happen to you. I'm not going to let her passing go unnoticed. We will remember Anjelique.

All proceeds from any eggs I sell go toward the Anjelique Memorial, so if you think I'm charging a little more than other mules, at least you can know that any gil that I get goes toward a good cause.

If you have like, word or stuff to say about any mules who have gone on, send me a /tell and I'll post them here.

CRABS! No more RMT Monies

2007-02-22T11:18:00.000-08:00

It has been said that cheaters never win. This is not entirely accurate.

Cheaters win all the time. If you're a filthy gilbuyer, you can afford all kinds of expensive equipment that would take huge amounts of time to be able to afford legitimately. With the advantages of your ill gotten gains, you can continue to push the divide between cheating scum like yourself and those who actually play the game fairly. One might argue that, in such an unfair scenario, you win.

When it comes to claiming notorious monsters, your chances are much better if you utilize some third-party claim plugin. You probably think it's pretty damn funny when that guy who's trying to claim by manually pressing the buttons on his controller screams in frustration about the "overimplemented delay." You probably think it's hilarious when you run off with your elite drop to go sell overpriced on the Auction House.

I think it's funny when you are deleted in a monthly purge, and I still have my account.

Go ahead, be a cheater - the highs are high, but the lows are real low. I might be only level 6 on one job, while you've got three or more at 75.

Well, you HAD three or more at level 75 yesterday.

Today, your newly bought account only has one level 75, and you need to buy a new serial number for Aht Urghan. Plus, your AF2 is deleted.

Should have let me hold that for you.

Happy Valentines Day

2007-02-14T23:39:00.000-08:00

Hope your day was better than mine.

Women sitting in lap: 0
Pretty pink potions: 1

I guess you all must be gilsellers and spammers

2007-02-14T23:37:00.000-08:00

Because as soon as the comments required people not to be spammers, they dried up. Months go by and no one noticed.

This is why all you adventurers (read: gilsellers) need to be taken down.

SPAM!

2006-08-13T01:55:00.000-07:00

Who knew that the perfect gift after coming home from a cruise would be piles and piles of SPAM to dispose of?

Apparently, all the bots are talking about it.

Note, no more anonymous comments. I love to hear from my minions, but I don't love processed pork product - or whatever product you might be selling.

This is not a website about mini-trucks. I hope your mini-trucks are all destroyed in a fire on the second disk, during a non-skippable cut scene followed by a scratch on the DVD.

There are not lots of helpful pictures here.

No one comes to this site to discover whatever pathetic wares you have. They come to this site to stand together against the oppression of mules in Vana'diel. Or, to pretend to be without sin and cast the next, being too late for the first, stone.

If you have to resort to spamming about your junk here, then odds are absolutely no one is interested in your retarded products at all.

Good luck with that.

No, not with selling your stuff. Good luck with the cancer I wish on you. Let me know how that works out for you.

Sorry to inconvenience those of you who actually enjoy reading my plans to take over the world, requring you to log in to an account just to comment. It's cruel, but that's not out of character for me.

Waiting for the boat to leave

2006-08-05T00:11:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm taking a cruise for no other reason than to relax and do nothing at all. Now, you might think that such is the existence of a mule all the time. Sitting out in the sun trying to get people to spend their hard-won gil on rock salt is tougher than you might think.

Emotionally harder, anyway.

Getting ready to set sail has been an adventure on its own. There was some agro from a bottle of Kettle One. Heiter was kind enough to provoke it off me, though he's a white mage, so maybe that wasn't the wisest of moves.

He probably didn't need stitches. I'll bet there's not even a scar.

Well, you know, depending on how he parts his hair, not visible anyway.

Who's Heiter? That's the boss's boyfriend. He's like a demi-mule. She got a PC version of FFXI "so they could play together", but he ends up bazaaring her junk more than I do.

Heiter got the role of navigator along the way here. Mostly because my version of navigating involves statements like

Reeree>> So... we just need to go straight north from here.
Heiter>> But...
Reeree>> But what?
Heiter>> It's just that there's a building that way.
Reeree>> I don't see why that's a problem.
Reeree>> We'll just burn it down.
Heiter>> It looks like an orphanage.
Reeree>> Perfect.
Heiter>> How is that perfect?
Reeree>> Didn't you ever see Annie?
Reeree>> No one will miss them.
Heiter>> You have serious issues, you know that?

His method is a little more sedate.

Heiter>> Okay, turn right.
Reeree>> Where, exactly?
Heiter>> Back where I said "turn right."
Reeree>> ...
Heiter>> Now, technically, you want to turn completely around.
Reeree>> Now, technically, I'm going to have to burn down an orphanage
Reeree>> Just to calm my nerves.
Heiter>> You have serious issues, you know that?
Reeree>> We'll make s'mores. It'll be great.
Heiter>> Watch out for that Orc.
Reeree>> What Orc?

Orcish Fodder hits Reeree for 58 points of damage.
Reeree was defeated by Orcish Fodder.

Orcish Fodder hits Heiter for 47 points of damage
Heiter was defeated by Orcish Fodder.

It's been a long walk, and I'm never going to get the smell of burning orphan out of my robe.

On top of that, there are just some areas where you want to be extra careful. Here's something of how our conversations went:

Reeree>> Okay, we need sneak here.
Reeree uses a silent oil.
Reeree gains the effect of sneak.
Reeree>> What are you doing?
Heiter>> What?
Reeree>> We need sneak.
Heiter>> Okay.
Reeree>> That means you have to use the sneak oil.
Heiter>> Okay.
The effect of sneak is wearing off.
Reeree>> Seriously, what are you doing?
Heiter>> Did that work?
Reeree>> No.
The effect of sneak is wearing off.
Reeree>> I don't know what you think you did, but it didn't work.
Heiter>> Um...
Reeree sighs dejectedly.
Reeree>> Click into your inventory, select the sneak oil
Reeree>> Click it to USE it, then select yourself to use it on.
Heiter>> Okay.
Heiter>> I don't have a sneak oil.
Reeree>> I gave you two stacks!
Heiter>> You gave me silent oils.
Reeree>> ...
Reeree>> Use those instead, then.
The effect of sneak is wearing off.
Reeree>> Whenever you want to use that oil...
Reeree>> Today would be good.
Heiter uses a silent oil.
Reeree loses the effect of sneak.

Goblin Smithy hits Reeree for 471 points of damage
Heiter starts casting Cure on Reeree.
Reeree was defeated by Goblin Smithy.

Goblin Smithy hits Heiter for 378 points of damage.
Heiter was defeated by Goblin Smithy.

It's been a long trip getting here. My patience, which is almost nonexistant to begin with, has been tried and tested. Many times.

On the plus side, s'mores.

Manaclipper

2006-08-01T13:11:00.000-07:00

I need to run to Carpenters Landing and then take a ride on the Manaclipper. As such, I'll be back in about two weeks.

Maybe one of the other mules will keep you up to date on the plan to take over the world while I am out, but I doubt it.

Whether I tell you about my adventurers will depend on how many comments I get.

Summer Festival

2006-07-27T17:20:00.000-07:00

Dun din din, din dun... din dun dun, dun din dun...

By now you know the music of Summer Festival, played every night in the starting cities and outlying areas. It gets stuck in your head.

Some people complain that they don't enjoy the fireworks. I used to think nothing was more beautiful.

This year, they have the capacity for even more fireworks, thanks to Corsairs.

You're probably thinking they fire flare guns in the air or something. That's funny, considering how few guns there are that Corsairs can actually use.

No, they help with their special 2-hour ability, resetting the 2-hour abilities of others - you know, if they roll the right number, or whatever.

I talked to some of the behind the scenes NPCs who put the whole show together. In Windurst, they're all hanging out on a balcony off the Star Sybil's room. it felt really crowded in there, but all I could see was an officious looking Tarutaru and an exceptionally large Galka Dragoon.

Reeree>> What's going on up here?
Taru>> Fireworks cele-wele-bration!
Reeree>> Are you going to talk like that for the whole conversation?
Taru>> ...
Reeree>> Why does it feel so crowded up here?
Galka>> Ninja are stealthy?
Reeree>> What Ninja?
Taru>> Exactly!
Galks>> Observe.

The Tarutaru pulled a lever and a single Carrion Crow flapped out of a cage into what it thought was freedom.

The Galka climbed up a ladder and jumped onto a board, propelling a Ninja I hadn't even noticed before off the other end and into the sky, and towards the bird.

Taru>> THREE!
Taru>> TWO!
Taru>> ONE!

Ninja1 uses Mijin Gakure.

Reeree>> This is how you make fireworks?
Taru>> Renewable resources! It's the way of the future!
Reeree>> Now I have dead Ninja in my hair.
Reeree>> That's going to take forever to get out.
Taru>> All art comes with sacrifice.
Reeree>> People actually sign up for this?
Taru>> Well...
Moogle>> Change jobs?
Reeree>> No thanks. Where'd you come from, anyway?
Moogle>> Kupoooooooooo~~~~~~~
Reeree>> But I haven't even unlocked Ninja...

Galka uses High Jump.

Reeree>> Sonofa....
Taru>> THREE!
Taru>> TWO!
Taru>> ONE!

Reeree uses Mijin Gakure.

It's much prettier for the spectators. Trust me.

All good things

2006-07-25T13:49:00.000-07:00

You might expect the GMs to rain divine retribution down on me for what I had done, oh ye of little faith.

[GM]Buzzkill did eventually find me again. I warped him so far and so fast that he woke up in World of Warcraft. Yeah, I paniced a little. I've heard he calls some big green man "Papa" now.

Ah, but the universe does appreciate irony.

People were starting to talk about how many gilsellers were starting over at level. You could tell they were gilsellers because anyone else would have upgraded from their starting onion weapons before they hit level 25. Also, anyone else would have taken the time to unlock and level a subjob.

I'm sure my "near jeuno" accuracy had nothing to do with that.

Shihu-Danhu was sending me tells that he had enjoyed his break and was almost ready to come back. I wanted him to have a warm welcome, so I started warping people into boss fight areas, like the Promyvion ENMs and the Shadow Lord.

Everything went dark. I was expecting a little box with dialog:
Where am I?
Am I dead?
Afterlife?

The music changed.

NPCs went running past me to hide. What was going on?

Morons started shouting "For the shire!"

I crawled inside my crate, grateful to be able to move again. So this is what that beseiged thing is all about.

Now, I've read about Mamool Ja, but nothing could prepare me for how ugly they are. But that was nothing compared to their stink. Aren't you glad you use Dial? Don't you wish everybody did? I had to take Shihu-Danhu's glasses off to wipe the water from my eyes.

I didn't want to be like those mules by the auction house, taking up space in the zone without contributing my part. I started to cast my wonderful warp on monsters.

Not enough MP.

I know I have mentioned before the one rule to remember: Square Hates You.

As soon as the Jar-Jar Binks on steroids were beaten back, we were treated to an encore of invasion of the escaped breeding experiments. Whoever thought humes and uragnites would be a good match deserves to be beseiged by Troll mercenaries.

Maybe that's why they were so pissed off.

And I thought the Mamool Ja smelled bad. After meeting Trolls, I'll never eat cheese again.

Al Zahbi lost two generals by that point, but the Trolls were beaten back just in time for the Little Mermaid and her merry band of hookers to storm town. What's with all the gold necklaces? Mr T. never wore so much bling.

Now the first two beseigeds had been very unsettling, but Lamia are just foul. What kind of an attack is it to strip someone naked? Nobody wants to see a Galka in his birthday bondage gear. Mithra started crying. I choose to believe in a reality where the two are related, rather than try to comprehend what the Mithra were actually upset about. I don't speak crazy bitch.

I considered casting Stone - since that was pretty much all I had, but after watching a level 75 Red Mage/Ninja drop 500 hit points from some random AoE that didn't even animate for me, from a monster not even loaded on my screen, I opted for counting the grain lines of the boards on the inside of my crate.

There are 647, in case you are interested.

I also counted the NPC exit door handles that would lead me to safety and sanctuary. There are 0.

It was a terrifying long time, and then suddenly, it was over. The music changed. People started shouting "Yawn" and rolling dice like they were pirates.

I would have been home free if it weren't for those dirty hands reaching in my crate and carrying me away before the cut scene was over. They even ripped Shihu-Danhu's robe when they pulled me out of the crate.

When the screen finally loaded, I was in prison. Kidnapped!

I won't go into detail about how bad it was. It's prison. Again, the warp scroll from Shihu-Danhu didn't work. I guess you need to stand on the fountain of MP to be able to cast it. There was no magical fountain of MP in prison.

Nor was there a Starbucks, but I'm pretty sure there was one right around the corner.

I figured it wouldn't be a long stay - they always get the Warp Taru back within half an hour. It would give a few White Mages a chance to earn a few tens of thousands of gil, and then I'd be rescued by some Galka Paladin or something.

I had to share my cell with the merchant guy from Al Zahbi who sells rocks. He'd been there since about 8 hours after the expansion was released. He was so happy to have someone to talk to that he went on and on about rocks for the entire first half hour. Black rocks, blue rocks white rocks, translucent rocks. Remind me to kill any brat at the Windurst school who shows even the slightest interest in Geology.

I got a little grumpy when no one showed up immediately to rescue me. How could they not come to rescue the Warp Taru? This was unheard of. Unless...

/search all Shihu-Danhu

The bastard was back in Al Zahbi. He snuck in after I was kidnapped, and no one ever noticed a thing. I'm going to give that guy a reraise earring so I can kill him eleven times.

For some reason, I had all these thoughts about rocks, so I did what I could with that. I cast Stone on the poor NPC until I was out of MP. Then I used Manafont and cast Stone on him some more.

This process repeated every two hours for roughly two or three weeks, Earth time.

Eventually, our captors noticed what I was doing, and started charging tickets to the show. I waited until they had a crowd of more than 6.

In my experience, 6 people is usually more than enough to ensure that at least one of them will be completely retarded. Once you get into an alliance, it's 99% guaranteed.

The eyes of a dozen beastmen were on me, eagerly awaiting my next temper tantrum, and the bruises and contusions that Bornahn would get as a result of it.

The clock ticked down to zero, and my 2-hour reset.

I looked at all the Beastmen in the eye, and did the one thing guaranteed to piss them off no matter how suicidal their anger might be.

I sat down.

The cries of anger and frustration could be heard all though the Near East.

Troll Sabreur starts casting Bio III.
Lamia Immolator starts casting Firaga IV.
Mamool Ja Savant starts casting Banishga III.
Mamool Ja Sophist starts casting Flare.
Woodtroll Ranger's ranged attack misses.

Reeree>> Shut up!
Reeree>> You had me at Bio III.

They broke the door down to get at me, but I was already long since dead an homepointed. It's always disorienting to suddenly be standing in the middle of Windurst Waters, but it's good to be home.

There was a Thief next to me, looking disoriented. I vaguely remembered warping her here weeks ago in one of my nicer moments.

Thief>>Um... Which way is Jeuno from here?
Reeree>> That's Warp Taru is a complete ass, isn't he?

Taking things too far

2006-07-24T16:39:00.000-07:00

Filling in for the Warp Taru may have gotten to my head.

I was starting to draw attention. Bad attention.

I spent two hours warping adventurers into Mordion Gaol. Way I see it, that place exists outside of time and space, so it may very well be close to Jeuno. You don't know.

Sure, to get out, they could just place a GM call. But is a GM really going to believe some jerk who managed to get himself thrown in jail?

Most likely anyone who complained would talk his way into permanent ban.

I should be so lucky.

[GM]Buzzkill>> Hail adventurer.
[GM]Buzzkill>> There have been quite a number of complaints about you.
Reeree>> I can't imagine how that's possible.
[GM]Buzzkill>> Apparently your warping has been rather inaccurate of late.
Reeree>> How so?
[GM]Buzzkill>> You're supposed to send people near Jeuno.
Reeree>> Are we discussing relativity?
[GM]Buzzkill>> No.
Reeree>> I have sent people near Jeuno.
Reeree>> Ru'Lude Gardens even.
[GM]Buzzkill>> Warping level 15 Tarutaru warriors into Dynamis-Jeuno doesn't count.
Reeree>> Oh.
Reeree>> I'll try harder.
[GM]Buzzkill>> That's not really what I had in mind.
Reeree>> It's not?
[GM]Buzzkill>> No.
Reeree>> But since you're talking to me, that must mean...
[GM]Buzzkill>> I think you are beginning to understand.
Reeree>> Of course!
Reeree>> Sorry to take up so much of your time.
Reeree>> Y-you might want to c-close your eyes.
Reeree casts Warp on [GM]Buzzkill.

I warped him to the Lakshmi server, which may or may not have been destroyed in a fire.

If it wasn't destroyed, I hope no one minds if Shihu-Danhu there takes one for the team and spends some time in jail. Let's hear it for team players!

I figured it was time to cool things down, lay low, and avoid more uncomfortable conversations like that.

I started warping people to Batallia Downs, Rolanberry Fields, Sauromugue Champaign, and Qufim Island.

Nobody told me I wasn't supposed to send each person to all four at once. I thought it would be harder to whine to the GMs if your torso was in a different area than your head.

I've heard the cheaters with Windower got to watch their magically quartered body parts get agro and die separately.

On the plus side, Chocobo digging has become more interesting.

Where've I been?

2006-07-21T17:15:00.000-07:00

You may have noticed it's been a while since I last wrote anything.

You've probably already guessed that this is largely beause I hate you all.

That's not too far off from the actual reason. Seriously. You guys all suck. Thanks for nothing.

It started a few weeks back when I was exploring the secret pathways of the Windurst residential area. I bumped into this desperate looking Tarutaru guy, muttering about how the Japanese players were going to "Rescue him" any minute.

Reeree>> I think one of us has had a stroke.
Shihu-Danhu>> You want to do me a favor?
Reeree>> I'm not really the favor-doing type. But I'd be happy to laugh at your request.
Shihu-Danhu>> I can't take it any more. You have to help me!
Reeree>> Does in any way involve the random deaths of adventurers?
Shihu-Danhu>> If you like.
Reeree>> I'm interested...

He started to get naked.

Reeree>> Less interested...
Shihu-Danhu>> What? Oh. Haha! Here, quick put these on.

He handed me a fancy near eastern robe, and a pair of glasses.

Shihu-Danhu>> I need you to pretend to be me, so I can take a break.
Reeree>> And what, no one will see through this clever disguise?
Shihu-Danhu>> It's better than Trion's.
Shihu-Danhu>> Besides, no one really looks at me.

Putting the glasses on, I commented how it seemed to work for Clark Kent, so what the hell. Shihu-Danhu threw a blond mop wig over my head, and the transformation was complete. He gave me a scroll, which I barely had a chance to glance at.

Reeree>> Wait, you want me to...
Shihu-Danhu>> Thanks! Good luck!
Shihu-Danhu starts casting Warp on Reeree.

I found myself in Al Zahbi standing on a crate. Pretty cool considering I don't even have a Tenshodo membership.

First impression: It's really freaking LOUD. All sorts of people were whining in shout about some Warp Taru being kidnapped or something. Apparently, there had just been a bunch of Mamool Ja ransacking the place. Whatever.

Second impression: It's really freaking crowded. I was standing on this crate, and billions of people were crowded around me. Was that robe he gave me doused in Tard musk? I'll kill him.

Then it started.

Player1>> Warp, plz!
Reeree>> No.
Player1>> y not?
Reeree>> Well, first, because you're retarded.
Player1>> But ur the warp taru!
Reeree>> See, case in point.

I looked down again at the scroll.

Oh.

Damn.

Wow.

This could be fun.

Reeree>> You want me to warp you?
Player1>> Yes!
Reeree>> Even though I can pretty much guarantee you it won't be anywhere near Jeuno?
Player1>> lol! yes! gogogo!

I read the scroll, and warped him. Somewhere. Got a brief glance through that purple warp window of a huge stone slamming into his face from the Gigas that he appeared in front of.

This gig was definitely going to be fun.

The next guy who talked to me got warped to somewhere along the path of the Manaclipper, only the boat was docked at the time. Maybe someday a GM will help him out of that.

Player3>> Warp to Jeuno, please.
Reeree>> Because you said please, I'm going to try my hardest to get you as close as I can!
Reeree>> Oops!

Full Moon Fountain wasn't quite as close as I would have preferred, but what's a little death by Fenrir if not something to laugh about?

It got kinda boring, after a while, so I started to really have fun with the people I didn't like. That list included people who misuse the English language, people who wear clothes that don't match, and pretty much any people who asked me for a freaking warp.

Sure, I had unlimited MP and regenerated over a hundred MP a tick with unending Refresh, but they never stopped. I understood why Shihu-Danhu looked forward to being taken prisoner.

Well, he did seem like that kind of Tarutaru. Stands on a soap box, drops the soap.

Anyway, to make my time more enjoyable, and reduce the number of people who came to talk to me, I started warping them to the new Chocobo Circuit or the Ruins of Al Zadaal. I guess they'll probably be able to log in again after the update when those areas are released.

Maybe Square will put out the update sooner, and you will all have me to thank for it. You know, once you can log in again, and all.

Woe for lost potential!

2006-07-17T18:53:00.000-07:00

Ugh.

I'm so unhappy right now... I accidentally fed crystals to my cuttings. So instead of growing saplings like I was supposed to, I got.....

Shell bugs.

About 400 of them, give or take a stack.

That's 150k down the drain, not to mention lost potential profits.

I'm going to sit on my pile of gil and cry for the rest of the day. The only semi-bright spot was that Butcherboy somehow found a buyer for all of them.

I'm not even going to ask.

Bitch betta have mah munee.

2006-07-17T18:33:00.000-07:00

So, Master is out playing with dhalmel. I couldn't tell you why, that's just what he said he was doing when I asked. Then he started talking about 'dhalmel on dhalmel action' and I asked him to stop talking.

Then later on, he sends me a tell, about one of his adoring fans who needs a sword purchased from Jeuno. "Fascinating," I replied. "What does that have to do with me?"

"You're in Jeuno," said Master sweetly. "Buy it and send it to him."

I was stunned. Shocked. Horrified. Not as horrified as Meroduin would have been, mind you. Still, I was fairly upset. "With what gil?"

"You have plenty of gil. It's not that expensive."

I was appalled. Was Master seriously suggesting that I waste my hard earned - stolen, really - gil - well, most of it was from overpriced candy but still - MY GIL? On some stranger that he barely knew and whose entire conversation apparently consisted of obscure sexual commentary on plushies and furries? And all this on some ridiculously overpriced Blue Mage sword?

"You couldn't get it for one gil, could you?" he laughed. "Just buy the sword already!"

And he wonders why he never has any gil!

Only, he does now. He has a lot of gil, actually, and he's supposed to be saving up for a mad crafting day, only he doesn't have any freaking space. So he sends his garbage to me. Which I sell. For more gil than it's worth. But to waste it on some nobody?

Feh.

I did as I was told. Now comes the fun part, will this be written off as a bad debt? Or will the power-mad Blue Mageling send the gil to Master instead of back to me?

You should have treated your NPCs better

2006-07-01T03:33:00.000-07:00

I'll be the first to point out that mules have a tough life.

We get no respect. We're forced into slavery though no other reason than by which order of content ID created us. That's just unfair.

But today I met some folks who have it somewhat worse off.

I hopped out of the Mog House in Windurst Waters and was on my way to buy some food from the restaurant when I happened to notice a large crowd of adventurers.

Well, they almost looked like adventurers, but of each of the races there were lots of repetitions of the same three faces.

Also, four hundred thirty seven of them were named Nanako. Two hundred twenty five were called Wagwei. I can notice a trend.

Reeree>> Who are you guys?

About a hundred Elvaan guys named Chanandit pointed to the rendezvous point.

Sixty Tarutaru ladies named Yufafa explained that they were NPCs from the buddy quest.

I asked why they were all hanging out in town. Zenji started crying. All fifty three of them. Some were wearing subligar. I never want to see a Hume man in subligar cry again. Remind me to stab out my own eyes.

Turns out that while all of these fine people had managed to level up to 30 on their own, once they hit 30 they were stuck.

Reeree>> Yeah... the Mandy's in the jungle are too easy, but the goblins are still pretty hard unless you have a competent party...

Radille1>> No, you don't understand.
Radille2>> We can't level by ourselves.
Radille3>> We have to wait for an adventurer to call us
Radille4>> Using a signal earring
Radille5>> And then we can only stay for a few minutes
Radille6>> So you can see how that would be really hard
Radille7>> It's almost impossible for us to level up any more.

I was getting kind of dizzy listening to all those Elvaan woman finish off each other's sentences. I began to wonder about those mushrooms Terylieze sent me. I hadn't eaten them, mind you - I would never put anything that a Mithra touched into my mouth - but perhaps just contact with them could cause delusions? Blame the Mithra or the mushrooms, either way works for me.

Raka Maimhov, speaking of Mithra, lamented about how her adventuring partner is really high level, but still insists that she use provoke. So he brings her out in places like Castle Ostroja, she dutifully provokes monsters off of him, and the jerk sits back and lets her die.

Once every twenty hours.

She's down to level 5. That's just mean.

I have to get to know that guy.

I could empathize with these guys, even if the redundancy did creep me out a little. I gave them some idea to make their time with adventurers more enjoyable.

1) Wait till they pull a few links, then suddenly leave in the middle of battle.

They'd already thought of that.

2) Arbitrarily change what armor you bring based on who controls the area where they call you out, and then for the ones who like to play paper dolls, randomly toss on a pair of scale leggings just to make their head explode.

Again, that was part of their repertoire.

3) Use the signal pearl in reverse.

That one was new, and had some potential.

We brainstormed for a little bit, and then I left them to carry out their darkest desires.

At roughly 10:07 on Firesday, all the NPCs used their signal pearls.

Level 24 adventurers found themselves suddenly duoing monsters in Dynamis with their NPC buddy. They learned that FIraga III hurts a lot.

Some found themselves in places like Uleguerand Range or Attohwa Chasm where they were promptly devoured by dragons.

A level 3 corsair was introduced to the Kraken just in time for his NPC buddy to sneak past and become a Beastmaster.

It was my idea that they do it just before Besieged would have ended. Al Zahbi went from 714 people down to 4 mules, who were unable to sell their wares to the Lamia. The astral candy was lost.

Worse, they took the warp Taru.

You should pay more attention to your NPC friend. Treat others as you would like to be treated, because some day, you just might be.

Do I dare disturb the universe?

2006-06-19T00:25:00.000-07:00

I was sitting in Windurst Woods, hawking Giant Femurs outside the bonecrafting guild. I hate to agree with Terylieze, but what about 20 giant femurs is subtle?

A crazy person runs up to me, looks in my bazaar, and then offers to trade. No introductions, no foreplay, just straight to trading.

I had to know what possesses a person to do such a thing. I agreed to trade.

Suddenly I'm staring at his offer of a purple dot.

A linkpearl? Who gives away link pearls to strangers? A little voice went off inside my head and asked: What good can come from this?

I should have listened to that voice.

I clicked ok.

The little voice spoke up again. Normally it tells me to stab people in the face, but today it sang a different tune (must have bought some of my bard ring tones). It told me to just drop the pearl and be done with it.

But the curiosity was too strong. Why would he give this to me?

The voice said the linkshell would be full of stupid people, and they might leak some of their stupid on to me.

It was a risk.

I put the linkpearl up to my ear and listened.

<Player1> Why'd you run?
<Player1> Never run in Dynamis, you idiot!
<Player1> There's nowhere TO run!

They gave a Dynamis linkpearl to a level 5 black mage with no subjob? Ignoring the pain of how stupid that is, I decided to listen more and find out what it is my master does in there. FIltering out the retarded, I might be able to learn something. I almost believed that.

<Player2> WTF?
<Player2> Raise 1? WTF?
<Player3> I'm a red mage, that's all I got.
<Player2> WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF?
<Player3> All the white mages are dead, because of your pull.
<Player1> You should have had Reraise up.
<Player1> Get UP!
<Player2> I'm not taking R1 EVER!
<Player1> You'll take what you get. Get UP!
<Player2> Other people got Raise 3.
<Player1> If you don't get up right now, we can't clear.
<Player2> Than sumone better cast R3.
<Player3> ...
<Player3> I already cast Raise on you.
<Player2> your spells aren't good enuf for me i cancelled that garbage.

I should have stayed out of it, but I was craving the smell of burning flesh.

<Reeree> Guess you'll be homepointing out of Dynamis, then.
<Player2> F YOU!
<Reeree> Did you play hooky from kindergarden to come here today?
<Player2> OMG! Sumbudy cast R3 cum on! WTF?
<Reeree> Why are you so much more important than everyone else?
<Reeree> What makes your experience points more important than their wasted time?
<Player2> I need the XP from R3!
<Reeree> So, for the time it would take you to kill two Imps in Aht Urhgan...
<Reeree> You've made it impossible for your whole group to clear Dynamis.
<Player2> what are you talking about?
<Reeree> I guess the Expansion Pack didn't come with when you bought your character.
<Reeree> Why not just have your brother buy you a new character when you lose experience?
<Reeree> Give yourself a whole new means of demonstrating how much you suck.
<Player2> y wont u r3 me?
<Reeree> You know what command would be good for you?
<Player2> yeah, r3
<Reeree> No.
<Reeree> /wrist

That original crazy person was trying to trade with me again. How much worse could it get?

He gave me an hourglass.

I switched linkshells, called a few friends, including one level 75 white mage Chinese gilseller (yeah, he was in that cell I busted, but he turned out to be a nice guy. A cheater, but a nice guy), and handed hourglasses to them all.

My gilseller friend, Buruirui, headed in, and went straight for the player who thought the world revolved around him. I was about to show him what that looked like.

I didn't have any spare worlds to revolve around him, so I settled for violence.

Buruirui used some kind of hack to cast an auto-raise on Player2. Yes, just a raise 1, but for the convenience of bots who aren't going to be around to accept, this one auto accepted, and auto-recast. The rest of his linkshell had left his corpse there, and gone off to farm.

<Player2> OMG WTF!
<Reeree> Brought you a present.

A hundred mules and I, ran past as many monsters as we could link, dropped our hourglasses, and headed toward Player2. Some of the mules didn't make it. Not surprising, since one shot would kill them. It's not like the experience we lost mattered.

<Reeree> Technically, I brought you a LOT of presents.
<Reeree> Hope you like them!

And then our 30 seconds were up. We all vanished, kicked out. But the monsters we were training wanted something to beat on.

And there was Player2. Auto-raising without any way to stop.

And again

And again...

I wonder what new replacement character he'll have bought tomorrow?

Hail to the King Arthro

2006-06-18T17:43:00.000-07:00

So the other day, I heard someone singing this fine ditty. It was melodious, and poignant, as well as topical.

King Arthro is a famous - nay, Notorious, Monster that lives in the Jugner Forest. He is, in fact, a Crab. He drops a belt that lots of people want, and specific group of people - we'll call them 'girserrels' - almost completely control the price of this belt by choking off the supply while mass insanity provides the demand necessary.

Luckily, there are the occasional brave souls who go by and claim King Arthro and his belt for themselves. Hence, the rather ridiculous ditty. I follow the theme mostly, right up until the shopping cart. I mean, the communist reference.

Anyway, hopefully the gods will remove even more of the girserrels and their banks and I can continue to amass insane amounts of gil by selling off things like Bronze Mittens for 1000 gil.

New commands

2006-06-16T15:30:00.000-07:00

You probably didn't read all that was included in the last update. I only say that because I'm confident most of you didn't read anything at all about the last update. Most of you just sat around whimpering and drooling on yourselves waiting for it to be over.

As a public service, I'll list some of them for you.

/wrist

This command is useful for whiners and emo tards. When your Sims drama-meter is getting so low that you have to manufacture some drama or become physically ill and die, now you can simply type /wrist and be done with it.

It's just a little time-saving command that deletes your character, cancels all your Content-IDs, and takes the liberty to post as you on every FFXI forum it can find about how much you hate everyone on your friends list. Square is all about customer service.

/throat

Same as /wrist, but with Square's famous random chance of failure. If it doesn't delete and IP ban your character, you just get a cut scene.

/fiction

This command requires a target. Type it in - make a macro, it's faster! - and instantly have pages and pages of gay erotic fan fiction spit out about you and the person you targetted. It works just as well on players as on NPCs or monsters. The stories are posted simultaneously in /say, /party, /linkshell, and /shout, so that everyone can share in the fun. Also, Square takes the liberty of posting the story output, badly translated from Japanese by a Korean guy who speaks neither English nor Japanese, to every FFXI forum they can find at the time.

Good times.

Note: using any of these new commands may decrease the likelihood that you will be invited into experience points parties. But, that's true of many things and has never stopped you before.

Still a MULE, people!

2006-06-11T07:21:00.000-07:00

OutoffTouchWithRealityKupoNut >> why so blue
OutoffTouchWithRealityKupoNut >> for i have a gift for you
OutoffTouchWithRealityKupoNut >> trade me to see

Now I've missed out on a present from some insane person because he can't tell the difference between a mule and a normal adventurer.

In the future, I demand that all presents be sent to via Moogle. Thank you.

Durrr... I'm a MULE! HELLO?

2006-06-07T06:42:00.000-07:00

Omg, some people!!!

My job is to sit in Bastok and look pretty so people buy stuff from my bazaar. Let me tell you what this means: I sit in Bastok and LOOK PRETTY. I do not go out and get xp. I have been outside the city twice. Once was an accident.

SomeRandomKupoNut >> hay want to party? u r hawt.

SomeOtherRandomKupoNut >> wanna go out and get some xp?

I come back from a long session of reading Diana Clarke to see this garbage. NO I DON'T WANT TO PARTY! I'm a level 1 Thief (that should tell you something RIGHT THERE)! I have a bazaar with 20 items up for sale. Do I LOOK LIKE AN ADVENTURER TO YOU?

DON'T send me blind invites. In fact, don't send me invites at all! I'm sitting in front of a fountain selling stuff. I'm not going with you. I go from my Mog House to the Delivery Galka to the Auction House. That's it. Sometimes, I go to Port Bastok for more supplies. I'm wearing a bathing suit because it takes up less space and I have whatever knife Master was last crafting. Seriously, what part of my equipment - no, wait, you were just looking at my BOOBIES.

AnotherRandomKupoNut >> How do I set a Linkshell message?

Ok, this one was just bizarre. I'm a BAZAAR mule. I'm not even a sackholder, why... why would you send this tell to ANYONE?

/? /lsmes for cryin' out loud. You are SO STUPID. How do you remember to breathe???

Remember when I said I was only wearing a bathing suit and had 20 items up for sale? How, how, HOW can I ever explain THIS /tell?

TotallyMentallyDeficientKupoNut >> Can I buy your stuff?

I just stared at that for a long time. Then I got up and walked slowly to my Mog House and went to sleep. You people are the adventurers... you figure that one out.

Racial disharmony and Gil

2006-06-06T16:23:00.000-07:00

In most educated circles, Chinese has become synonymous with Gilseller. This reputation is not undeserved, as there are quite a number of sweatshops in China where peasants earn their 1/8 ounce bag of rice by camping the Spook or something equally irritating.

Chinese selling gil isn't all that surprising. The country is huge, with lots of poor, desperate people who can't afford to eat. As you probably don't know what it's like to go a week without McDonalds supersized value meals, it's unlikely you would understand what motivates them to rub their thumbs raw doing Dynamis all day, every day. It's similar to what compels you to do so at the expense of your friends and your school and you job, only for them it is their job and without it, their families starve to death.

You, however always have option of ordering a pizza.

Still, do you really believe that every gilseller is from China, or that every Chinese player is only in the game because he's working for IGE?

Granted, it's entirely possible the second one it true, but you don't have to be Chinese to be retarded. I mean, a gilseller.

In fact, every indication seems to show that Arabs have a natural tendency towards selling gil as well.

For those of you who learned Geography in the United States public school system, where the Texas Board of Education sets the standards for the nation, we'll have to have a brief lesson. Arabs are found in the Middle East, and northern Africa. They aren't Chinese.

In case the rising costs of gasoline, as well as the inflated prices of BCNM drops at the Auction House weren't enough of an indication, they really like money, too.

The game designers even recognized the Arabian love for money with the new expansion pack. The characters from the Near East (aka the Middle East, and as opposed to from the Far East, or Orient) are all into money. They don't care about Conquest, so signet does you no good here. They are mercenaries, in it for the money.

Just like the gilselling Arabian players.

It wouldn't be so bad if they were a little bit more like Scheherezade. If they could keep me from wanting to kill them for over three years by telling such excellent stories that I couldn't bear to have them stop, my life would be much richer.

Instead, the ones I have met are all emo.

Alladin>> I'm so great. I killed (insert generic NM here) on my (insert generic job here) solo.
Reeree>> Is that why you weren't at the event your LS had planned last night?
Alladin>> Why you have to backstab me you whore?
Reeree>> What are you talking about?
Reeree>> I was stabbing you in the face.
Alladin>> I demand respect! I am awesome! Bow before me!
Reeree>> Respect is earned, and you would have to show up to stuff to earn it.
Reeree>> For the way you're trying to get it, I'll loan you my ruler.
Reeree>> But I think my Japanese friends would win.
Alladin>> I will not suffer this kind of treatment from you, you filthy MULE!
Alladin>> I am leaving this LS.
Reeree>> Don't let the pearl hit you in the ass when you drop it.
Alladin>> Just as soon as I get my Kirin's Osode.
Reeree>> You're a spade.
Alladin>> What?
Reeree>> Never mind.

And that wasn't the only incident:

Reeree>> Hey Shazam...
Reeree>> Last night you were seen wearing a known Gilseller linkshell pearl.
Reeree>> Would you like to explain what that's about?

*crickets*

Reeree>> So, should I take your silence to mean that you prefer gilsellers to the people you pretend are your friends?

*crickets*

Reeree>> Anyone want to do a BCNM 60?
Shazam>> /
Reeree>> So you are awake.
Reeree>> I must have interrupted you while you were selling gil or something.
Shazam>> ...
Shazam>> Why you have to backstab me you whore?
Reeree>> Not this again.
Reeree>> Backstabbing would be talking about you in a negative way when you are not around to defend yourself
Reeree>> While maintaining an illusion of friendship when you are around.
Reeree>> I never once pretended to be your friend.
Reeree>> And I only say nasty things about you when you can hear them
Reeree>> And then, only because they're true.
Shazam>> I demand respect! I am awesome! Bow before me!
Reeree>> So why were you off in sky with gilsellers last night?
Shazam>> I will not suffer this kind of treatment from you, you filthy MULE!
Reeree>> Wow.
Reeree>> You have your drama-laden exit script macroed in on all your characters, don't you?
Shazam>> I am leaving this LS.
Reeree>> Have fun with the gilsellers.

One by one, the members of the LS who happened to be of Arabian descent all left to join with the known gilsellers.

I've been warned by my friends not to notice this coincidence, as it will brand me as racist at best, and get a Ninja to shout "For Palestine" as he uses Mijin Gakure in my Mog House at worst.

Do you know how long it takes to get Ninja out of your hair?

The thing is, I really hate Gilsellers. And I like Chinese, despite the Gilsellers populations in China. Those Tarutaru are always so polite and eager to please, you can't help but find them a little bit endearing.

So, before I wrote this, I went on a little mission.

First, I talked to that retard who had her account stolen - you remember Monkey, don't you? - and asked her for her password. The nice thing about retards is that you can abuse them repeatedly in exactly the same way and they never learn.

Safe with her stolen account, I spent months infiltrating the local gilseller cell.

It was like joining the Communist party in the 1940's only without misguided idealism and lacking any real danger.

I learned about their places of conspiracy - such as standing by the fountain in Windurst Woods bazaaring a Yellow Globe to indicate that you have hot items to be transported, or stealthily sneaking "MAAT'S CAP" into a conversation to indicate that your cover has been comprimised and you require an extraction. I worry about what important things I will be unable to learn one day now that my head is filled with all that garbage.

Eventually, it paid off. I gained access to their database where they keep records of everyone's usernames and passwords in the linkshell. I was disappointed that it wasn't even encrypted. Just a text file on a web server. Squirt could have found it.

One by one, I logged in to each and every character.

Step 1: Send a GM call with description: I am a Gilseller. Please do not restore my character ever. Thx.

Step 2: Unequip everything, and drop all items from inventory, mog house, storage, and Mog Locker. For good measure, I checked with the storage NPCs, got out any sets of event items or armor that were checked in, and tossed all that, too.

For the gil, I thought about having each of them send it to themselves in 1,000,000 gil increments to drop it from the delivery box, but I don't have what it takes for that kind of stupidity. I asked Squirt if she wanted to do that, and she suggested I hand it out to people. I'm not normally anyone's benefactor, but in this context it seemed cruel, so I did. I'd randomly walk up to people and offer to trade. Some expected a retarded linkpearl, and ignored me. Those who accepted the trade got 100K.

Step 3: When GM answers, the call, ask "Why you have to backstab me you whore?"

Deleveling, deletion, and banning were usually taken care of for me before the exit script finished.

It got a bit tedious, destroying all their hard work and crippling the economies of Zhejiang, Qinghai, and Hubei, not to mention Afganastan. I think I left Guangdong intact.

After 100 or so accounts, I was sorely tempted to simply hand over my list to the GM and confess, to let him handle things more efficiently:

script run ./ban

hell, better yet.

script run ./banga

But there was one thing I had to do first.

I logged in as Shazam and sent Alladin a message:

Shazam>> MAAT'S CAP!
Alladin>> Be right there.

He used some kind of cheat software and was next to me as if I was his homepoint.

Shazam>> I'm going to be adult about this and try to get through it without any drama.
Shazam>> First, I've always hated you.
Alladin>> WTF?
Shazam>> Second, your mom looks way hotter with her burka on.
Alladin>> OMG WTF???
Shazam>> That's just an FYI, but you probably already knew it.
Shazam>> Third, you dropped that Kirin's Osode thing you wanted so badly.
Alladin>> No I didn't. What's wrong with you?
Shazam>> Good luck pursuing those new horizons
Shazam>> It's going to be a whole new world.

I traded him a red rose at that point. Yes, it was another code signal.

Alladin>> Oh shit oh shit oh shit!
Shazam waves goodbye to Alladin.
Alladin>> Backstabbing whore!
Shazam>> Can I add you to my friend list?

Before he could log out and change his password he was booted for being connected to Play Online from multiple places. I forgot to tell him that I have multiple ways to log in, so I didn't need to log out first to finish that threat. And with that, his POL password was changed.

You might be able to find his equipment is you use Scavenge in Al Zahbi.

As for his gil, it turns out I really DID have the patience to send 1,000,000 gil packets and drop them in the delivery box. That took like 4 hours.

I left him with his linkpearl, it was the least I could do.

Then I placed a GM call from his character: U rike 2 buy sum Gil? Cheap price! Every1 Welcum!!!11 Thx!

Then I changed his password back, and gave it to Monkey. It didn't really matter which one of them was online when the GM responded, my work was done either way.

Reeree>> MAAT'S CAP!

Reeree says...

2006-06-01T14:10:00.000-07:00

Reeree says that all adventurers are just cows being fattened for the slaughter but I don't think that's right because one time I tried to milk one and the milk didn't taste very good and if they were real cows the milk would be super yummy. I love milk!

Reeree says that white mages all deserve to be chopped into little pieces and served to 'fisticated Goblins for dinner with a side dish of UFO organs, but I think she's just mad because she had to go to The Eldieme Necropolis with some Spirit Incense and the Mr Bone Chips and Mr Puppy-wuppys were mean to her only to fail when she tried to light the ??? candle for the nice San d'Orian priest-guy.

Reeree says that all Elvaan men like to do naughty things to little Hume boys and you can tell by looking at the pixels and by how they ride a chocobo but I don't think she's right because this one time there was an Elvaan who oh wait maybe it was a girl. I could see her belly-button! I love belly buttons!

Reeree says that gilsellers are all bad people and deserve to be hung by their popo hairs above a pit of rabid chickens but I don't think that chickens can get rabies. I love chickens! And anyway, all gilsellers can't be bad because I have a magic 8 ball that was made in China and it told me "Girserrel Happy Good Rong Time!" and I really really believe that!

Reeree says that all botters deserve to be involuntarily adopted by the King and renamed to Albert, but I don't know what that means or what the acid arrow are for. Maybe she thinks they are fat? I love Fat Albert! He's funny!

One beehive chip

2006-05-27T22:31:00.000-07:00

I put out a challenge - I want to trade up from a bird feather to an enfeebling torque. Yes, it's a total rip off of that guy with the red paper clip. End the comparison right there, I hate that guy.

In any case, we have made our first trade. Today, I traded with Cheyene for one beehive chip.

I consider that real progress. Just in case there's some tard agro out there that wants to speed up the whole process, I've put the beehive chip up in my bazaar for 3 million gil, which should cover the cost of an enfeebling torque. If anyone were stupid enough to buy it.. I mean, generous enough, then I would happily send them any change from the purchase of an enfeebling torque.

See, isn't this fun?

Aren't you glad that there's at least one of you out there who doesn't suck so badly as to make this whole scam not work?

I mean, plan. For charity or something.

Note to self: think of a good charity.

So now the gauntlet has been thrown. It's up to you to come up with something to trade for a beehive chip. I'll mention you here, on this very blog.

A big thanks to Cheyene for getting things rolling.

[Offer limited to residents of Bahamut server only. No purchase necessary. All trades are final. Trading is at the sole discretion of us. Your rediculous little opinions have been noted. All your base are belong to us. Void where prohibited. WorldPass not included. Offer not valid to Galka or any male in subligar. Do not cast spells when you do not have MP. User assumes full responsibility for application and possible rejection thereof. No substitutions. Warning: food will be hot after cooking.]

These look like big, strong hands...

2006-05-26T16:09:00.000-07:00

Dude, moogles are all about the adventurers right now.

Have you seen them? They're like, hanging out in the cities, bragging about how they've been, like, stalking you. It's kinda creepy.

Then they give you presents.

First they gave me a chocopass, and I was all like, dude, why are you giving me this garbage? I don't go outside, and the last thing I want is to ride half way to dangruf wadi just to be dropped off next to Leaping Lizzy since I can't even fight her.

That's messed up.

So the moogle had a good cry. I let him sit in my lap for a while, to calm the little dude down. It's not as cool as having hot chicks in my lap, but it was all right.

When I asked if he was feeling better yet, he offered me another present.

Snuggleteddy>> Not another chocopass, 'cause, dude, I'll just throw it away again.
Snuggleteddy>> And I can't take you crying again.
Moogle>> No, this is something different.
Moogle>> Something special.
Moogle>> Something important, kupo.
Snuggleteddy>> Whoa.
Snuggleteddy>> What is this?
Moogle>> It's a button.
Snuggleteddy>> It's, like, really shiny.
Snuggleteddy>> And red.
Snuggleteddy>> What's it do?
Moogle>> You have to push it every 4 hours.
Snuggleteddy>> Oh...
Snuggleteddy>> Why?
Moogle>> All of Vana'diel depends on it.
Snuggleteddy>> What happens if I don't push it?
Moogle>> You HAVE to push the button, kupo!
Snuggleteddy>> But what does it do?
Moogle>> Not pushing the button would be bad.
Snuggleteddy> As in, "don't cross the streams" bad?
Moogle>> Something like that.
Moogle>> Gotta go, stuff to do!

He left.

I pushed the button, and totally nothing happened.

So I waited 4 hours for the countdown on the button to reset. Somebody bought an Aspis from my bazaar. I pushed the button again. Nothing continued to happen.

It was kinda boring. I pushed the button every four hours for about a week. This sucks more than gardening. I stopped feeling like I was saving the world every time I pushed it.

I totally fell asleep.

I woke up to some kind of weird sound like a bunch of people were pulling off Reverberation skillchains around me repeatedly.

The bronze sheets in my bazaar flew out of my hands and sailed toward the Metleworks. They totally ripped through some Mithra named something like whorestore and splattered cat meat all over the ground. Then the shields I was holding ripped out of my bazaar and sailed off toward the metalworks like something out of Xena.

That rusty bucket dude was looking after his buckets as they flew away didn't have a chance to see what hit him as one of my shields decapitated him.

An Elvaan paladin in full AF just missed my head as he flew by.

I caught a Tarutaru paladin as he was sliding toward the AH and thought I would be able to hold on to him. Or her. It's really hard to tell when they have hats on. But my fingers slipped and a scream carried him away.

The Markets Auction House was shaking. I shouted "GET DOWN!" and drank one of the poison potions that Terylieze gave me.

I was face down and below the level of the fountain before the Auction House exploded.

Metal weapons, armor, smithing materials - all that stuff totatlly cam flying out like something out of Poltergeist, only scarier.

The Bastok-Jeuno Airship ripped apart into three pieces before dropping from the sky.

Then the entire Metalworks folded in on itself. I'm pretty sure from the screams and the splattering of blood and meat that there were people in there.

I was like, dude, I should make a GM call about this or something when the button started beeping. I pressed it, and everything went white and quiet.

And then I woke up. Again.

The button was still beeping, and the 4 hours were up. I pushed it, and it got all quiet.

Dudes, I'm totally scared, and I need some women in my lap to comfort me.

Like, what is this button really for that the Moogle gave me, and why do I have to be the one to push it?

Rascally Rabbits!

2006-05-22T14:01:00.000-07:00

I don't deserve this.

I solve calculus problems for fun. I could happily tell you the volume of the shape created by rotating a Rarab around the x-axis. Even happier to calculate the volume of that shape rotated around the y-axis.

Instead I get condescended.

"Here you go, Reeree. This Bronze Cap will help you look like Che for your little revolution."

I can't even equip that. You'll take me seriously when I'm stabbing you in the face while you sleep.

"You can't equip a dagger, either. You're so cute!"

I'm going to make a necklace out of her entrails, someday. Today, because that's what she as the master commands, I'm going to fight rabbits.

Off to Sarutabaruta, with good old signet. Remember signet? That's that old Conquest thing everyone was so concerned about before you all gave up and became mercenaries only concerned with Sanction. While you're off saving the Near East from being Beseiged, nobody back home is keeping the beastmen at bay. Don't complain to me when you can't buy your cooking ingredients from vendors.

Rarab> Eh, what's up, doc?
Reeree> Listen, this is going to hurt you more than it hurts me.
Rarab> Ho ho!
Reeree> I'm here to kill you, but don't take it personally.
Reeree> She made me do it.
Reeree> Of course, that doesn't mean I won't enjoy it a little.
Rarab> Ha ha!
Reeree> I'll ho ho and ha ha you!
Rarab> Bring it.

I whipped out my quarterstaff and used the techniques taught to me by the master. No, not the slave-owner. A staff-fighting master.

Reeree> Ho! HaHa! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust!
Rarab> Foot Kick.
Reeree> What was that?

Rarab uses Foot Kick.
Rarab hits Reeree for 26 points of damage.

Reeree> If I were a Blue Mage, I'd be happy you just used that.
Rarab> If you were a Blue Mage, you'd have a subjob.
Rarab> And some hit points.
Reeree> Ho! HaHa! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin!
Rarab> Spin? Okay.
Rarab> Whirl Claws.

Rarab uses Whirl Claws.
Rarab hits Reeree for 37 points of damage.
Reeree was defeated by Rarab.

He knocked me into the river as he killed me. Not only was I dead, but my robe was all soggy even after I home pointed.

Mental note: check first, then attack.

A quick jog from the middle of nowhere, Windurst Waters (no, I've never been allowed to set my home point), and it was back to business.

Reeree> HALLO!
Rarab> Oh, this is embarassing.
Reeree> My name is Inego Montoya.
Rarab> No, it isn't.
Reeree> You killed my brother.
Rarab> No... I killed YOU.
Reeree> Prepare to die!

Reeree starts casting Stone on Rarab.
Rarab takes 107 points of damage.
Reree defeats Rarab.

Rarab> How did you?
Reeree> Don't mess with Tarutaru Black Mages.
Reeree> Now we're even.
Rarab> Not quite.
Reeree> What do you mean?
Rarab2> Excuse me...
Rarab2> Boot to the head.

Rarab2 to uses Foot Kick.
Rarab2 hits Reeree for 99 points of damage.
Reeree was defeated by Rarab2.

Reeree> You are low-level bunny rabbits!
Reeree> You are not supposed to link!
Rarab> You're a low-level mule.
Rarab> You aren't supposed to fight.
Reeree> Touché.
Rarab> And also, we're evil.
Rarab2> Why don't you put some pants on or something
Rarab2> If you're going to continue to fight evil today.

This would be easier if I were allowed to wear pants.

It's good to be free!

2006-05-21T19:22:00.000-07:00

Ah, I just had my first real taste of freedom!
While Master was away, I snuck over to the Moogle giving away adventurer appreciation gifts (I disguised myself as a new adventurer by gearing up as a Level 3 Monk). Moogle gave me a chocopass, and I knew just what to do with it!
I met up with my friend, another mule, Nakayla. We were going to make a break for the big city.

The chocobo renter in Windurst Woods gave me a dirty look as I traded her my chocopass. I swear the snot mumbled some obscenities about how some masters don't know how to control their slaves. Alas, I trudged on.

Wheeeeeee. To ride on the chocobo. I had always dreamed of such fancy.

Damn chocobo ran away before I even made it to Tahrongi Canyon. I think it somehow knew I was just a mule. I bet that stable person gave me a lemon chocobo. She better watch herself if I ever make it back to Windurst. I know some mules in Jeuno that can give me some poison to sneak in her Tortilla Soup.

The Crag of Mea! What a sight! I ran to it with stars in my eyes. You can be sure I grabbed my own teleport crystal. What Master does not know, will not hurt Master. She will never see the inventory of my key items anyway. I dream of one day experiencing the rush one gets from being teleported.

Meriphitaud Mountains. What a dismal place. Adventurers don't even bother coming here anymore after the New World was discovered. I could not even set my home point, in the event of something unfortunate happening, the beastmen were in control of the area. Luckily, I only had to sneak by the random Goblin or Yagudo. Those big lizards are really ugly. Reeree showed me a skin once. How gross.

Sauromugue Champaign. Ah, I could smell the big city. There were even towers and walls all around that seemed to have once been a part of the metropolis somehow. There were many more Goblins in this area, and scary dinosaur-type beasts. It was not long before Nakayla met her fate. Luckily, her Master had made me do a Moogle event one time and I had a Charm Wand +1 to show for it. Phew. She had Reraise on, and ran through the whole place with only 1 Health Point! I am certain she left quite a trail of blood.

Jeuno! I had finally made it! I was still coursing with adrenaline, when I realized my friend had not yet arrived. I was worried, as dark was coming on, and she was leaving such a scent of blood. I watched as she neared the giant gates of Jeuno, ready to welcome her with open arms. She never made it. Soooo close. Just over the hill and she would have seen the gates waiting to greet her.

Head down, I returned to Jeuno, to summon my master. Defeated, I had to beg her leave her adventures in the Maze of Shakrami to raise my friend.

The moment she leaves Jeuno, though, you can bet I will be having adventures of my own in the big city!

One bird feather (reprise)

2006-05-20T23:20:00.000-07:00

As you have undoubtedly read or heard about from places that pretend to be bringing you the news, there's some guy who's trying to trade his way from a single red paper clip, up to a house. As I have stated before, I hate that guy.

Earning my ill will doesn't even make him unique. He's not a snowflake.

Still, if people are dumb enough to trade him things that get him from a disposable office supply to a residence, I don't see why I shouldn't get in on that kind of scam... er, business model.

So, I proposed to trade up from a bird feather until I get to an enfeebling torque.

All you have to do is offer to trade me something that's worth more than a bird feather (presumably, because you have said thing, and somehow don't have access to a bird feather... or because you are barking mad, and want attention for being retarded.).

So far I have gotten one offer of a trade, a beehive chip for my bird feather. (We won't go in to how that person then didn't log in again). Can you top that?

One of the goals is to drum up publicity for our revolution. Nothing helps having cannon fodder in the front lines like people believing they are working for a good cause, and nothing helps that like being able to reach out and lie to them. Talk to them.

Again, this plan is foolproof. Like Trion's disguise, it's perfect. The only way for it to fail is if YOU suck.

Filthy Bee Sympathizers

2006-05-18T21:47:00.000-07:00

When I first started my career as a mule, my Master originally intended for me to live full-time in Bastok. He even purchased basic equipment for me, and sent me out to learn how to fight.

He suggested that I focus on bees.

How naive and innocent I was in those days. I did not yet realize that my Master has a reason for everything.

His reason, of course, was that he desired bee bits for alchemical purposes and cooking - beehive chips and honey. How was I to know of the spiralling hell of fighting bees?

You see, bees in Vana'diel are not soft fluffy bumblebees. The things that bees of Vana'diel need to pollinate get up and walk around. They also have area attacks. Of necessity, bees are hardy and rather oversized. Plus they have a vicious sting.

As a first level warrior, I felt that I should easily be able to take on a simple bee. How was I to know the bees can regenerate? Or that they have two vicious sting attacks, one that sacrifices its own life, and one that just rips away yours? After a series of pathetic deaths, epic battles where I drank more Selbina milk than was healthy for me (or an entire kindergarten class for that matter) to counteract the bee's pollen move, and losing at least one battle due to a badly timed Final Sting, I found myself with 10 hp left, no milk left, and in deadly combat with a wicked bee with a sliver of life remaining.

It was at this point that SHE walked by.

SHE was with someone else, and they were chatting in /say as if that wasn't incredibly annoying. Perhaps to some completely pathetic people, the story of her life was actually interesting. Needless to say, I would never have noticed her inane existence had she not spoken of me: "omg lookit that galka fighting a bee."

Her companion pointed out, "it's looks like he's losing, why don't you cure him?"

"wut no!" SHE said. "i don't like galka, nd i think itz lame when low lvls fight bees. let him die. i like the bees beter." Those words appear with all the mindless abbreviation and misspellings that SHE used.

I was stunned for a moment, and I think the bee was also. What kind of immoral, soulless creature would prefer the life of a bee over that of an intelligent, if somewhat inexperienced being?

An insensate rage filled my being. What kind of person would sympathize with a bee? I swung at the bee and scored a ciritical hit, and again and again! The bee readied a sharp sting, but my sword swung down first, and with yet another critical, the bee was dead.

It dropped both a beehive chip AND honey. Without a word to the wretched bee sympathizer, I stepped over the bee's corpse and headed to the auction house to send my prizes to the Master. In days to follow, I found that the memory of her hideous bee-loving tendencies enabled me to quickly finish off the strongest bees.

I gained levels of experience this way, but finally my Master decided that my skills at dealing with the auction house were more valuable than my bee slaying skills, and sent me on a long journey to Jeuno. As I sit here in this peaceful, crowded city, I cannot help but wonder: Who kills the bees now?

For some, I will be the Mercy Angel

2006-05-18T10:19:00.000-07:00

When I started this revolution, I had the idealistic vision of freedom for all mules. Now I have come to learn that this is just not possible.

Sure, I never really cared about any one other than number 1, and expected a lot of the fodder wouldn't make it. As long as I'm in the group that gets emancipated instead of eviserated, it's all good.

But it has come to my attention that no matter how successful we might be in securing a future for all, there are some for whom the only release will be the cold embrace of oblivion.

You can tell who they are at a glance.

Anyone who has a name so pathetic as to end in "shop" or "store" or "bazaar" is not cut out to be an adventurer someday. What a cruel trap their masters placed on them.

People will discriminate, it's just natural. You might think you are above that, but would you really invite someone named Muleshopthree into your party and expect good experience points as the outcome?

Of course not, because you're not retarded, right?

The back of your mind would expect this guy to stand there as if he were away, his only sign of not being asleep coming from the shouts "Mithkabobs at 1/3 AuctionHouse Price! Made from genuine Mithra! Get them while they're HAWT!" which repeat every 20 seconds.

No, for these sad mules, I will give them what they truly long for.

I will ensure they get the dreamless peace that comes from character deletion.

For those of you out there who happen to be mules with unsalvagable names, think of what your sacrifice will do to the economy of Vana'diel.

Okay, I can't think off the top of my head how it will make a difference either, but give me some time and I'll get back to you. I'm sure it will be devastating, as far as you'll know.

Why does the Master need such expensive things?

2006-05-17T07:52:00.000-07:00

Many months ago, the Master decreed that to better serve him, all of his slaves must keep a certain amount of gil on them at all times. He then proceeded to send us various items to sell so that we could earn this amount, and anything over that was to be sent to Meroduin unless the Master was feeling especially frivolous that day in which case it was to be sent directly to His Grand Spendthriftness.

Recently, he's taken to spending this gil like water. Now, in recognition of his own habits, he's lowered the amount that we must all hold on our persons. Also, he's having us sell off his old, "non-shiny" equipment. Apparently, now things that are not +1 or better are not allowed to touch his soft, fair skin. With the exception of his new earrings, for those the +1 version (which monsters somehow naturally hate and fear) are never allowed to touch his fair, soft skin.

The strangest part of this is that he doesn't actually care how much we have so long as: a) we have enough to buy him crafting materials when we need it and b) we have enough to put his random things up for auction.

So while poor Terylieze is practically impoverished, and poor Meroduin bemoans the shrinking state of his hoard, I have a huge stash that the Master keeps forgetting about. You see, the common things that the Master no longer needs have become frighteningly rare. He just tells me, "Sell it for whatever they'll pay." Apparently, 'they' are gilbuying cracksmokers who can be convinced to pay anything just for basic equipment. It helps that Conquest has been ruined by the new expansion, and the travelling circus hasn't left Windurst for a while. So all of his Windurstian gear is available (supply) and all that leftover San d'Orian gear he has collected over the years is worth ten times its original price (demand). In fact, I should remind him to go craft some San d'Orian tea. He'd make a killing. Or rather, since he can't be bothered to sell it, he'd just send it to me and I'd make a killing.

Some people say cooks are thieves. I agree with that, but really see no reason for change. It's not my fault you chose not to focus on consumable goods as the path to wealth and prosperity. Ya dumbass.

But seriously, why do people pay 2,000 gil for something available in a merchant's shop for 800 gil? Just because the item is only sold in one city doesn't make it rare, it just makes it inconvenient. If people really want to pay 1,200 gil for convenience, who am I to stop them? The same rule applies to cooking. Master invested a lot of time and gil raising his skill to a level where he could put raw fish on a ball of rice. That fine dish gives you a bonus to dexterity and agility and accuracy and some other things, I forget what. If those bonuses are worth it, you will pay his asking price. The fact that his asking price is not even vaguely related to his cost is not your concern. Your concern is how gimp you will be in a party if you don't have any food, or if your food is inappropriate for your job. Some people think sushi is overrated. And, it probably is. But... it does work. It does improve your overall XP/hour. Just because there are other foods that could do the same thing more cheaply.... but I digress.

The Master asks me to close with this message from C.A.F.E, Culinarians Against Food Extensions: "Always take Refresh or Regen! It makes the WHM and RDM happy! The food extensions suck!"

You got scammed!

2006-05-16T16:23:00.000-07:00

'Cause you're retarded.

In every social structure, there is a hierarchy. For society to work, there have to be those at the bottom to make the rest of us feel a little bit better about ourselves. It's shallow and petty and part of your deoxyribonucleic acid sequencing.

Sometimes referred to as the Safety Monkey, or the Bitch, this person is an essential tragedy.

This person embodies the demotivational poster slogan: It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.

Yesterday, being like any (every) other day, ours was having a little crisis:

<Monkey> well this sux! I just got scammed out of 5 million gil.
<Monkey> ppl suck so much
<Monkey> now i have no monies
<Monkey> im gonna have to buy some gil
<Reeree> So you're saying you enjoy being scammed?
<Monkey> i need money
<Reeree> I'm going to regret asking, because I don't really care...
<Reeree> What happened?
<Monkey> this guy was shouting in Jeuno
<Reeree> Shocking!
<Monkey> dice roll over 800 and win a nobles tunic
<Monkey> this other guy tried three times before he won
<Reeree> Was his name Shill?
<Monkey> u no him?
<Reeree> Lucky guess. Go on with your tard agro.
<Monkey> so then he starts shouting roll over 600 to win a sniper ring
<Monkey> and so i gave him 800k
<Monkey> it took me 6 tries bee4 i 1
<Monkey> ull never guess what happen next
<Reeree> He disconnected suddenly?
<Monkey> no, he disconnected suddenly
<Reeree> ...
<Monkey> wait
<Monkey> omg u saw?
<Reeree> That coming? From miles away.
<Reeree> Has anyone ever told you that you're retarded?
<Monkey> should i call a gm?
<Reeree> Has anyone ever told you that you're super-retarded?
<Monkey> i called a gm
<Reeree> You're a bee sympathizer, aren't you?
<Reeree> Hope you like dragons.
<Monkey> what?
<Reeree> Good luck!

I can't follow the thought process. I get lost somewhere between "I'm desperate for cash!" and "I'll hand this fine gentleman large sums of money. Repeatedly. He must be totally trustworthy."

I went out and linked a whole bunch of tard agro to see if I could work up enough tard related TP to understand the line of thinking. All I got out of it was a dark wet stain on the front of my robe. Clarity was not forthcoming.

Maybe I shouldn't complain?

2006-05-15T02:28:00.000-07:00

It's really really cold out here. You guys aren't helping me out nearly fast enough.

But, at least I have a name.

Tonight, this totally hot chick came by and talked to me. I could tell she was a mule, too, because she didn't even get a name.

Apparently her master was too lazy to think up names, and just, like, serialized them.

Bummer.

So, I tried to get her to sit in my lap, to warm me up. Things were looking up.

She sat in my armpit.

He I was trying to be all, like, suave, and she goes and gets a big whiff of Galka underarm.

I wish mules were allowed to shower.

Dudes, you gotta buy some of this stuff

2006-05-14T01:59:00.000-07:00

Help me out. Please.

All my ladies are scared away because I am, like, totally naked.

I can't get dressed until you buy this crap... I mean, fine blacksmith crafted wares.

My lap is full of these Aspises. Aspes? Aspi? Whoa, man, I'm stuffed so full of these freaking shields there's no room for chicks to sit in my lap. There's not even room for me to hold on to my clothes. It's like, bad.

Super bad.

I just want to get dressed again.

The cobblestones by the fountain are freaking cold and I don't have my ladies or my pants to warm me up.

I've got, like, 7 stacks of bronze scales, though. I guess bronze scales aren't sexy.

Maybe it's the freaky gay sex-shop harness that Galka revert to when they're naked? I'd take an Elvaan dude in my lap just to stop, like, shivering all day long.

Guys, you totally can't leave me like this.

Guys?

Crafting is not cool, man.

M is for Mentor, Moron, and Murder

2006-05-13T03:45:00.000-07:00

Also, misandry.

I don't understand what motivates people to go through a quest to wear a badge declaring "I'm not only dumber than a box of Mithra litter, I'm also arrogant!" Probably the same thing that motivates them to buy Hybrid cars.

There's just something about becoming a mentor that chisels off the last remaining chip of potential to be kind and helpful to other players, and desposits it squarely on their shoulder.

It didn't sound like an unreasonable plan - players helping players with simple questions. Birds would sing, GMs would be left the hell alone, and babies would get guidance instead of eaten.

The only flaw in the plan is it required people not to suck.

Which, come to think of it, is what turns every event the moogles come up with into a disaster, as well.

I think it may have been Merry's master who first pointed out how useless most mentors are. Try it yourself, ask them a question.

Here are some of my own real examples of mentor quality control testing:

Reeree> Excuse me, I see you are a mentor, and I have a question.

*crickets*

Reeree> Excuse me, I see you are a mentor, and I have a question.
Reeree> I was under the impression that the mentor flag meant you volunteered to help people like me.

*minutes pass*

Subtle innuendo of insult is not enough.

Reeree> So basically, you put the mentor flag up so you can not help people.
Reeree> Seems like a lot of trouble to go through.
Reeree> I'd have just set my Online status to Invisible.
Reeree> Maybe put up a Search comment to the effect of "I despise all life. Never speak to me."
Reeree> It never would have occured to me to announce "Ask me questions" if I didn't want to talk to people.
Reeree> That's rather counter-intuitive.
Reeree> Also, it seems retarded, but what do I know, I'm asking questions of a mentor.
Reeree> Are you this responsive for your boyfriend?

Was I still being subtle? The guy had his languages set to English, so I'm really not sure what his excuse was supposed to be. I had gotten bored and started checking the Auction House for bargains when half an hour later I get a tell:

AssOfJack> hi.
AssOfJack> Sry. was afk lol.
Reeree> You go AFK with your mentor flag up? Doesn't that strike you as... unhelpful?
Reeree> Not really in the helpful spirit of mentoring, is it?
AssOfJack> was eating diner
Reeree> Oh, I see.
Reeree> You're doing Dynamis now.
AssOfJack> what?
Reeree> Nothing.
Reeree> Anyway I was wondering, where do I buy spells?

I thought that I was throwing him an easy one, that it was too easy and he was going to accuse me of asking him questions to harass him just because his "Harass me with whatever assinine questions you want to ask" flag was up. Instead another ten minutes went by with no response. I filled the time with periodic probes like:

Reeree> «Hello!»?
Reeree> Are you still there?
Reeree> Pages of the Brady guide stuck together?
Reeree> Allakhazam takes forever to load, maybe Somepage would be better.
Reeree> «answer» «Can I have it?» «please»?
Reeree> Am I interrupting dessert?

I got bored with the game, and went outside to cast Stone on some bees to get my aggressions out in a less social manner. An hour later, I was presented with a reply

AssOfJack> HA

Did he really wait an hour just to laugh at me?

Reeree> «Excuse me...» «what?»
AssOfJack> lol!1!
Reeree> Are you high?
AssOfJack> HA
AssOfJack> lol i did it agiann! teehee. AH
Reeree> «Can you speak English?»
AssOfJack> llo
AssOfJack> AH menaqs Auction House

The Auction House? What about the Magic Shop? I live in Windurst - talk to any of the NPCs this place is all about Magic. They have multiple shops with prices much lower than what the other gimps charge at the Auction House.

And shouldn't there be a spelling test before they let you tutor others?

Reeree> ... Um... Okay. Another question.
Reeree> Since I'm pretty low level, what's a good way to get enough gil to afford my spells?
AssOfJack> buy it.
AssOfJacK> thats what i did

Wow. Just... I really don't know what I should say to that.

Reeree> Did you buy your character?

Okay, guess I had an idea what to say.

AssOfJack> o.O
Reeree> How do you add someone to your black list?
AssOfJack> /blist add name

He knew one!

Reeree> Since you've been so helpful, I'm going to let you in on a secret.
Reeree> You're retarded.
AssOfJack> ...
Reeree> That wasn't the secret, though.
Reeree> Everbody knows that.
Reeree> You win a mentor award!
Reeree> To collect your prize, just put in a GM call and ask them to read our logs.
Reeree> Enjoy your prize!
AssOfJack> thx

I'm not sure what happened after that, because I followed his precise instructions and added him to my blacklist.

I'm hoping he talked himself into the gullet of a dragon.

Do Mules Dynamis?

2006-05-11T07:10:00.000-07:00

I was led to believe that you had to be a skilled adventurer, with high rank and level in order to enter the shadow world of Dynamis. But listening to my Master rage last night about yet another failed Dynamis run, I'm starting to wonder if the entry requirements aren't really that strict.

Of course, he's only pissed because he died 3 times (all, according to him, unnecessarily), deleveled (well, he was only 96 xp into his level, what did he expect?) AND they didn't get the clear. Apparently, this would all be okay if he'd only gotten the clear - whatever that means.

His first point of bitching is people who go AFK during Dynamis runs. Sure, he understands that some people have bladders the size of peas and can't go five seconds without peeing. How these people managed to get to 75 is what confuses him. He also wanted to know (inbetween spates of enraged screaming and hurling empty porcelain flowerpots at the wall) how it was ever acceptable for someone to go to dinner during Dynamis. I have to admit, I was surprised by that one. I can understand "One second, pizza guy is here," dinner. But dinner with your parents? For an hour? During Dynamis? That one is brain hurty. Unless it was stealth dinner (like, your family is all Ninjas) dinnertime shouldn't be a surprise to you. He bitched about that a lot, and I started tuning him out.

Then there was the sound of shattering glass (he'd switched from flowerpots to hurling empty juice bottles "for the more satisfying shattering noise") and was now going on about how hard is it NOT to hit a monk? What? He explained: Monk bosses (like me!) have the Hundred Fists ability (like me!) and when they use it, the standard policy is: 1- disengage and 2- sleep it. Wait until Hundred Fists wear off, THEN kill it. This isn't news. This isn't rocket science. It's not that hard, either. And yet, apparently the genius melees in the Dynamis group fuck it up Every Single Time. Yesterday, it was his turn to die because they can't disengage properly. The Monk was slept, he'd just Cure V'd the poor Paladin to bring him back up to full, and then some re-freaking-tarded person hit the sleeping Monk Boss. Said Boss saw that all his hard work in nearly beating the Paladin to death had been utterly wasted, and decided it was payback time. For the poor unsuspecting WHM. My Master's face is very sensitive, especially to things like fists being pummeled into it at the speed of light. One Hundred Times.

He had some other things to say, but then it started to get personal, so I started distracting him with knotted string and tangled chains. While he was dealing with that, I started thinking: Maybe this is the path to Reeree's revolution. To make adventurers so pissed off with leveling that they just give up. But I'm pretty sure that some of them would rather steal gil from their Linkshell and move on to a different one that's not infested with gimptastic retards. But still, it's something for Reeree to think about.

Who's with me?

2006-05-09T23:43:00.000-07:00

Fighting for emancipation is hard work. Nobody ever said this would be easy, and nobody ever expected it to be. Planning a revolution is backbreaking work.

I just love the sound of spines snapping underfoot.

I don't have time for a peaceful revolution. I want to live long enough to enjoy the succulent fruits of my labor. For that to happen, things will have to get a little messy.

I need mules to want their own freedom. The elite class of adventurers is not simply going to hand over power to us, we must rise up and demand it. We must take it by force.

Ask yourself, what is it that makes adventurers better than you? What quality gives them privilege and what inverse property denies you? Is it merely your slot on the Content ID list that determines your destiny?

Forge your own destiny with me.

Why must we suffer to serve as storage space for cast off carapaces of their adventuring foes? Do we suffer this simply because Square hates us?

No! We suffer these disparagements because we allow them, our adventuring masters, to speak their calumny about us uncontested!

What? What does what mean?

Look, Yagudo-brains, you're ruining my rhythm. Don't interrupt, just get a dictionary and look it up.

You don't have a dictionary? Well, you're in luck. I left one with this guy in Yuhtunga Jungle. Just trade him an earth crystal and he'll be sure to hand it over. He's the one wearing subligar and holding an axe. Might not trade it on the first try, so no matter what, just keep trying to trade him that earth crystal.

I could plan events better than any Moogle.

If anyone else has any questions, there will be time for Q&A later, so for now shut up and listen.

Do you want to remain enslaved forever?

Do you?

Uh... okay, you are allowed to answer the rabble rousing questions with appropriate affirmations. That would really help me out here.

Do you want to remain enslaved forever?

NO! Of course not.

Do you want to sit back and wait for change, or do you want to rise up with me and force change's hand?

Let me give you a little hint: have you seen change ever come for the lazy Tarutaru shopkeepers in Windurst?

Sign up sheet is in the comments area. All mules welcome, no matter how useless you think you are.

You have value to me! (Somebody has to be on the front lines)

And any sympathetic adventurers out there within the sound of my voice, we need your help too (especially level 75 Galka warriors with hit points like nobody's business). We will remember you when the pendulum of power has shifted sides.

Don't think of it as betraying your fellow adventurers. That's what they want you to think, those evil slave masters who spit on liberty.

Think of it as being on the winning side.

Or think of it as not having all your AF gear dropped, whichever works for you.

Sign up, bring your friends to sign up, and when there are enough of us, I will outline the plan.

Beware of the Tard

2006-05-08T01:56:00.000-07:00

No, this monster is not new with the expansion. It does not come exclusively from the Near East.

I see Tard People.
They're everywhere.
In experience parties, linkshell chat, shouting in Jeuno.
They don't even know they're retarded.

There are some basic facts about Tards you should know.

Tards
Level: 0
Family: Mongoloid
Crystal: Water
Weak against: Logic, Creativity, Humor, Intelligence, Wisdom, Fire
Areas Found: All
Behavior for Tards:

Aggressive
Linking
Drooling
Incomprehensible speech

Dropped from Tards:

Dhalmel Saliva
Feces

Special attacks:

Inane Babble
Poo Fling

No, Blue Mages cannot learn these spells.

Tards are aggressive despite having no chance to win. They will always attack, but they cannot actually hurt you unless you engage.

Do not engage Tards. It makes you retarded.

Plus, they link.

Going at it with one might seem entertaining for a while, but all it does is encourage all their friends to show up. While this still can't hurt you physically, the lag is rude to inflict on others.

Remember how your mom told you not to scratch your chicken pox, but you just had to because they really itched and so now you are horribly scarred and ugly forever? It's like that.

You won't be able to avoid Tards completely, but you can cut down on Tard agro by simply never asking a Mentor for help again.

Talking to Tards counts as engaging them. All you are doing is giving them TP. That's like asking them to fling their poo at you.

Use your black list - whether they are in your party or your linkshell, black list them anyway. You'll be glad you did.

What, are you worried that they'll someday have something worthwhile to say?

I suppose if you give enough typewriters to monkeys, Shakespeare, and all, but that also requires infinite time. Do you really have that kind of time?

Of course you don't. If you did, you wouldn't be a filthy gilbuying Tard.

Mr. Lazyface Nospace

2006-05-06T06:09:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the Master is annoying, like when he decides that all his slaves have to have a certain amount of gil on them at ALL times. That wouldn't be so bad if he'd just GIVE us that amount. Nooooo, that's too much work for Mr. Lazyface. He gives us some stuffz and tells us to sell it. Helloooooo? Auction house fees? What a jerk.

So finally that edict of his is fulfilled. I 've made his stinking quota and I'm sitting on this pile of gil when he sends me a message: "Buy me supplies to make three stacks of Yagudo Drinks."

I'm like, "Whaaaa? Why?"

"Because Bastok has control of Aragoneu and Kolshushu. Hurry up."

"But... my gilz!"

Then he gets all sweet faced and promises he'll send it back.

><

Oh, and yeah, I was literally sitting on the pile. Meroduin suggested I try it. It's cold. I'd rather have a carpet.

So I go. I buy his crafting stuffz and I send it to him. Does he send me the gilz right away? Nooooooooooooo. Does he send it the next day? Noooooooo. The day after that?

Well no, but in a few weeks he does remember to yell at me for not having gilz. And because he's been leveling Blue Monster Skill Stealer, Barbie Doll Abuser, and OMGay Buccaneer all at once, he's been stuffing my bag full of random monster dropped crafting material and my bag is full.

I burst into tears and told him it was all his fault. He gave me a blackened newt to make me stop crying, and while I was eating explained that he had no gilz and couldn't craft anything because he didn't have space.

Whaaaaa?

How can he have no space, he has 4 slaves! One in every city! What? So I yelled at Mr. Lazyface Nospace and told him to freaking craft something or I was gonna toss his precious beehive chips. Because I can't stack them because I can't move things back and forth like he does and now my delivery box is full and he NEEDS to craft stuff and get me my space back AND my gilz.

He gave me some Selbina milk to make me calm down and said he'd see what he could do.

So I get a message from Butcherboy, "The Master has asked me to take any full stacks of items that you have from you."

So I send off, in a painstakingly slow process that involved getting deliveries, stacking, sending, then reorganizing 10 stacks of various crafting things dropped by bees, sheep, saplings, worms, and whatever else it is that Blue Monster Skill Stealers fail to learn from. I think pugils, I don't remember. I just wanted to get rid of it. Oh yeah, birds.

Then Butcherboy tells me, "Stand by for delivery." I check my box, and see that BUTCHERBOY has sent me enough gilz to make up for Mr. Lazyface Nospace who can take the airship, teleport and outpost warp almost everywhere being too freaking lazy to get his own supplies.

Also, the man can craft sushi from fish that he fishes himself and then sell it for an insane profit. Even if he buys the fish he still makes a profit. And I'm not talking a piddly 10% increase. I'm talking a flat 55% profit the man makes on his sushi. Because he's not an idiot. Oh, and this is his craft leveling sushi, not the good stuff.

He's such a jerk.

I wish I knew what Butcherboy sold for so much tho. I never get to hold the good stuff.

Is playing the game that challenging?

2006-05-05T00:00:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't know, since I'm just a mule and don't actually get to play.

Some people think making money is hard. Especially when you first start, you have nothing, and have to work slowly and painstakingly toward getting some cash. As soon as you have some, you need new equipment, and away it goes. Ain't working for a living a bitch?

I'm not exactly in a position to sympathize with your struggle, since extra storage space is why I exist. Far be it from me to endorse slavery and suggest you get a mule, because that's what my revolution is fighting against.

Still, what kind of retarded loser buys gil?

You've shelled out a bunch of money to buy the game.

Then you hand over money every month for the PlayOnline service.

After all that investment to get to play the game, you're going to pay some Chinese guy to play it for you?

Hundreds of dollars of your money spent so someone else can play a video game.

Where's that get fun?

Leveling takes time. Selling things at the Auction House takes time. Selling things in your Bazaar takes time. Just walking across Sarutabaruta takes a really long time. It's a world designed to keep you playing for years, because you'll need to invest that much of your life to accomplish anything.

It might not be your thing.

If it is not your thing, get out. Go play Warcraft.

You say it sucks, but I've noticed one consistent thing in everything you say sucks: you.

I'm stuck here desperate to be able to go out adventuring, because I'm just a mule. I get to hear all about her fantastic adventurers in Vana'diel as told by the souvenirs she brings home. That you would hand over dollars to avoid the things I long for in freedom makes me wish the goblins would come and take you away. Right now.

You have the opportunity to live the life I want, and you let HuangFour do it for you. How does that provide any satisfaction whatsoever? (Unless you are HuangFour's boss?)

Play the damn game, or don't.

Don't be a dirty gilbuyer.

Why do you have to make my life harder?

2006-05-02T13:19:00.000-07:00

I suppose that, too, could be answered by Square Hate You, but in this case, its not the developers or the GMs, it's you people.

Filthy adventurers.

If you don't think a Mule's lot is hard enough, need I remind you that I still don't have pants? Don't go out of your way to make things harder for me. It's unnecessary, and it makes me cranky.

Of course, I'm a black mage, so crankiness is part of the package.

My typical day involves being woken up by the Moogle. Once I tried to play Viva Piñata Party Time with him and my ash staff, but he just sprayed me with Quadav musk and warped me to the middle of Beadeaux. Told me next time he'd set my home point there. I never wished I had pants more than that day.

Anyway, let's not talk about that.

The Moogle wakes me up and hands me some random carcass that the master keeps in my mog safe. I get the privilege of running to the Auction House to send items 8 at a time because someone wants to level bonecrafting today. I'm told to hurry because Windsday won't last forever. Heard of planning ahead?

On special occasions, I get burdened with pieces of dead things and ordered to sit out in the hot sun. Do you have any idea how much surface area there is to sunburn on a Tarutaru face? At least let me go under an NPC tent for some shade.

Oh wait, no one talks to the NPCs so they don't know where the stores are. That's why you can sell a Bronze Harness at 5000 gil at the Auction House because no one knows who Ryan is. I have to sit in a high traffic area, which means somewhere between the Residential Area and the Auction House.

If you adventurers weren't as lazy as the Windurst Tarutaru and as stupid as the Bastok Galka, I could sit in the shade.

Could I at least get to learn Water? Cooling off or suicide, both seem like viable options.

So, when you see me out there, forced to sit in the sun until all the animal remains are sold, don't be cruel. If you feel compelled to check me, buy something. Pretend you want a dhalmel's femur or a giant cochroach exoskeleten.

Standing next to me talking about how much you man-scammed someone with your Manthra slave doesn't impress me. No matter how rich you are, I still have to sit there until the last gamma-ray mutated junebug mandible is sold.

It's not for the gil, I don't get to keep that. I just want to go back in my Mog House.

Then the party invites come.

My lack of response isn't because I don't want to party. My lack of response is because I'm unconscious with heat stroke.

Also, I don't want to party with you.

Seriously, if you want to party with a low level Black Mage who only knows Stone and doesn't even have any pants on, then I don't want to party with you. Ever.

What other joys do I get in my servitude? Always fun are the incoming deliveries from my master so she can clear up space in her bag. Oh look, here's one now. Oh sweet merciful Altana, what is that smell?

She sent me rotten meat.

Why would anyone want to keep that? It's rotten. Throw it away!

But wait, there's more.

An undead skin.

How does skin become undead? I'm not opposed to working with dark forces to tear apart the fabric of the universe, but sometimes things just need to learn to stay dead.

Undead skin.

After I stopped dry heaving from the smell of the rotten meat, I could hear it moaning.

UndeadSkin>> Looooooooooooooooooooooow
Reeree>> «Excuse me»?
UndeadSkin>> Looooooooooooooooooooooow
Reeree>> Low... «what?»
Reeree>> Low rider?
Reeree>> Low prices?
UndeadSkin>> Looooooooooooooooooooooow...
Reeree>> Low hit points? I can't cast Cure.
Reeree>> Low MP? I don't have Refresh.
UndeadSkin>> Looooooooooooooooooooooow...
Reeree>> Low ceiling?
Reeree>> Listen, I'm sorry, but I don't speak crazy bitch. «Do you speak any English?» Try that.
UndeadSkin>> Looooooooooooow shun.
Reeree>> «You can have this» «Fire»

I know why she didn't keep it in her own inventory. I don't see why I had to be inflicted with that. You can drop things once in a while. I don't want them any more than you do.

If it could be sold, you would have sold it yourself.

Don't make my life harder than it needs to be. Kicking a mule doesn't make you strong. No one is impressed.

When I am free, just wait till you see what I make you hold for me.

Square Hates You

2006-05-01T13:28:00.000-07:00

I'm amazed how often adventurers forget this simple rule. It answers most of your questions:

"Why does my character walk so slowly?"
"How come the equipment I need is so expensive to buy but the NPCs will only give me 3 gils to sell it?"
"Why is the Auction House so far away from my Mog House?"

All can be answered with Square Hates You.

"I killed 8,213,162 worms, saw Sandspin 5 times, and still haven't learned it. Why can't I learn it?"

Square Hates You.

"How come there's a 2 hour boat ride stuck between the store to buy automaton parts and the workshop where you can learn how to use them?"
"Why are these NPCs standing here if the shop is closed? Why do shops even close at all, anyway?"

Still the same answer applies.

So, when you call a GM and find that instead of helping you, he - let's be all hypothetical and make something completely crazy up here - feeds you to a dragon, why would you think Square would object to that?

SQUARE HATES YOU!

"I put this up for auction and it came back 5 times, but each time it comes back the price goes up and like 20 sell! Why does this always happen to me?"

You're forgetting something, aren't you?

"If corsairs are supposed to shoot things, how come there's like no guns they can use."

You already know this. It hasn't changed.

Maybe you should write it down. Carve it into your arm if it helps.

Square.

Hates.

You.

Recycled Lame Events make the baby Jesus /cry

2006-04-28T01:58:00.000-07:00

New events bring down the server with lag as everyone feels compelled to collect the latest Storage -1 and shouts to the world what random piece of junk they want to deliver to a moogle.

And then there's the same old events that everybody already obsessed over last year.

Moogle>> Take this lame katana, kupo, and go get the bejesus beaten out of you by possessed armor!
Reeree>> Didn't this happen last year?
Moogle>> This is totally different, kupo. This time it's not posessed, it was stolen by pirates.
Reeree>> Yeah... I'm thinking you don't really want it back, then.
Moogle>> It's a national treasure, kupo.
Reeree>> What about me suggests "Civic minded" to you?
Moogle>> Come on, kupo, it'll be fun!
Reeree>> For whom?
Moogle>> Why, for me, kupo!
Reeree>> Right.
Moogle>> Moogles don't have cable, kupo. We have to make our own fun.
Reeree>> Thanks for the stick.

Hey look, there's some armor running around by itself. I mean, on a pirate. I'd chase it, but I'm not a dog.

Mules are stubborn like that.

Maybe if I throw the stick, the armor will chase it.

Reeree throws away a Lotus Katana.

Guess not.

Aw, there's some adventurers chasing it. I mean dying.

Reeree cheers DeadGuy on!

Don't start on the fabulous prizes. Your mog safe is overflowing with the fabulous prizes from last year that you haven't touched in all this time, but you never missed an opportunity to whine about having no space. You don't need any freaking mocci.

It's not my fault it takes you two hours to change clothes.

Lamia on an Airship

2006-04-26T14:47:00.000-07:00

I'm rank one, and not allowed to spend money on myself, so I don't have an airship pass, yet I can get on the airship. We don't talk about it.

Don't ask.

I'm always amused as I head toward the airship, and the NPCs ask security questions.
NPC : Has your luggage been with you at all times since you packed it?
Reeree : Yes. The airship's leaving in 2 minutes, can we hurry this up?
NPC : Has anyone asked you to carry any packages for them onto the airship?
Reeree : Not yet.
NPC : Are there any lamia in your gobbiebag?

I think standing in the same place all the time gets to their brains after a while.

Homeland Security has really fouled up the experience.
The make you put your gobbie bag on a belt where it is scanned by Coerl, now, and potentially detonated by Tarutaru trainees from the Rhinostery.
They take away things like Flint Stones that could be used to cause an incident while flying.
They make you check your weapons
And then four or five different NPCs /check you repeatedly. I had to change my config settings to make it stop.

After all that security, what do I do every time? I walk right up to Pygmalian and get the latest drug shipment.

Oh sure, you thought he was asking you to return something that someone dropped. Of course you believed that.

He hands you a package and describes what a mysterious "Passenger" will look like. Then, when you get on the airship, you discover that there are at least 10 different people all trying to look just like that guy so they can steal what you've got. If you talk to the wrong one, they laugh about how it's not really for them, and they take it anyway. What the hell else did you think it could be?

But I like talking to Pygmalian because delivering drugs for him makes riding the airship a profitable experience for me. 500 gil may not sound like much, but it's all under the table and tax free. If they wouldn't change my freaking title, my slaveowner might never even know I have it.

Another thing I like about the airship is messing with the heads of people who just got their airship pass and are still nervous about flying. If riding the boat between Mhaura and Selbina doesn't make you nervous about public transportation, then a little Tarutaru /shouting "«Danger» «Run away!» «sky» «monk»!" might be the motivation you need to become my entertainment.

Seeing people run below on the airship gets me every time.

It's always a let down when a giant squid fails to appear and slaughter everyone.

Today, thanks to the new monsters in the Aht Urghan expansion, I got my payback for that.

Reeree>> Here's your drugs.
Passenger>> Thank you! I don't know what I would have done...
Reeree>> Whatever. Listen, we never met. Give me my gil.
Passenger>> Have you seen Snakes on a Plane?

This must be new content. No Passenger has ever said that before.

Reeree>> Excuse me?
Passenger>> Turn around.

Somehow, despite the heightened terror alert, someone had managed to smuggle 40 Lamia onto the airship.

Since all the adventurers had had their weapons taken away before boarding, it was the most beautiful festival of death and dismemberment I have ever seen.

White mages started casting teleports. They were the first to die.

Cries rang out for D2, but the black mages only cared about themselves. Olympics-worthy synchronized warping started, but it wasn't as cool as 40 sychrionized Tail Slaps followed by some Hysteric Barrages.

Nor was it as fast.

PC players tried to use the glitch and jump overboard, but there was no escape.

Monks had it a little better than anyone else. Homeland security couldn't take away their fists, so they were still able to fight. What they weren't able to do, was land a punch. They used Hundred Fists and missed even faster.

Ninjas tried to hide in the shadows.

Samurai whined about not having their katanas, while Dragoons whined about not having their wyverns. None of them whined for long.

Carbuncle died 37 times before he finally snapped.
Carbuncle>> Screw you guys, I'm going home.
Summoner>> But.. they'll kill me!
Your tell was not received. Recipient is either offline or changing areas.

Paladins lasted the longest. Or they would have if their stupid code of honor didn't make them provoke the damned things.

Turned out that all they wanted was a harp. Their harp. According to Brady, some Bard named Carmelo stole it and gave it to some adventurer as a reward for talking to his ex-girlfriend.

As movie ideas go, Lamia on an Airship has no redeeming qualities. As the experience went, however, I laughed until I died.

And then I laughed some more.

One hit wonders

2006-04-25T13:22:00.000-07:00

I've heard that everyone wants to have bards in their parties. Why?

For the love of Altana, why?

Those guys are annoying as all get out. They only know like 5 songs. Even when their spell list is full, they only know 5 songs. They have as much variety as Taco Bell.

And they sing like they are adults in It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. Totally creepy.

You know why Threnody gets so much hate? Because the monsters are freaking sick of hearing the same old songs over and over again.

I saw a party of 5 bards and a warrior, once. I can't ever unsee that.

Thom : OHMIGAWD! A Bumblebee! OY!
Jai : EEEEK! I just peed!
Kyan : Those things are totally unhygenic.
Kyan : I have to brush my hair and use some Crest Whitestrips now.
Ted : I bet it has honey! Mmmm. Honey.
Carson : Ohh, let's make the straight guy fight it,
Kyan : and then maybe moisturize.
Carson : and then cover him with honey!
StraightGalka : ..........
Carson : I get the honey, but where's the bumble bee holding the pot?
Carson : Oh, I bed I know!
StraightGalka : ..........

I had to cast Stone on myself twice to escape that.

But despite the horror, I see bards as an opportunity.

No, not that kind of opportunity, I'm a girl.

You see, I've got MP3s, and I've got ideas. When the pied pipers stroll through Windurst Woods, I want to hear them humming Cold Play, Dave Matthews, Jack Johnson, Barry White... Genesis, for Altana's sake, anything but that wretched moaning ballad they're so fond of.

Yes, I want to sell the bards ringtones. Everybody loves ringtones, right? And you have to be filthy rich to be a bard in the first place, so why not throw some of that disposable income my way?

I get money, bards get actual music. The people in their parties get down, get down, and do a little dance. Everybody wins.

One bird feather

2006-04-24T14:26:00.000-07:00

You've probably heard about that guy who wants to buy a house with a paper clip. I hate that guy. I don't know why this is news, nor why everything thinks this is an original idea. It's been done. Maybe not from his two exact endpoint items, but the concept is unoriginal.

But if it works for him, then I don't see why I shouldn't cash in on the crazy.

My master told me she wants an enfeebling torque. I told her I want a pony. How's it feel to want?

I've got a bird feather. A single pretty bird feather. I really don't care what you might want to use it for, just that you have something interesting to trade me for it. If I like what you have to trade, we can get together.

I expect it will take me a while, but I want to try to trade up from a bird feather to an enfeebling torque. Let me know what you got.

And because we're all about beating dead horses, Meroduin plans to do the same thing for his boss, except he wants to trade up from a pebble to a monster signa.

Leave comments about what you've got to trade for what, and we'll tell you how much we hate you.

That was my out loud voice again, wasn't it?

The challenge is out, the only way for it to fail is if you suck.

Go.

[Offer limited to residents of Bahamut server only. No purchase necessary. All trades are final. Trading is at the sole discretion of us. Your rediculous little opinions have been noted. All your base are belong to us. Void where prohibited. WorldPass not included. Offer not valid to Galka or any male in subligar. Do not cast spells when you do not have MP. User assumes full responsibility for application and possible rejection thereof. No substitutions. Warning: food will be hot after cooking.]

Linkshell drama

2006-04-23T03:18:00.000-07:00

One good thing about being a mule, our linkshell doesn't have any freaking drama.

We used to have drama, but that was back when there were still players on this linkshell. Back before they got all grown up and joined End Game linkshells. Now it's just us mules, and apart from my plans to empower the proletariat, it's blissfully quiet.

Adventurers don't get it this good.

LSMember>> Is the White Mage mad at me?
Reeree>> Is he talking to you?
LSMember>> No.
Reeree>> Then he's not mad at you.
<Reeree> Why the hell are we whispering, anyway?

It comes down to a matter of quality vs quantity. A linkshell can't get much done if you're too picky about who you let in. If there's nobody in it that makes you want to stab out your own eyes, then you probably don't have enough members to do a Garrison.

If you've got enough people, say, to do a Dynamis run, you have to allow for a few complete tards mixed in with the bunch.

<LSTard> OMGWTFBBQ! Y WONT U BUY ME MEH AFG?
<LSDude1> Who ARE you?

Or

<LSTard> U GUYS NEVAH DO WHA I WANNA DO!!
<LSDude2> Let me explain....
<LSDude2> There is too much, let me sum up.
<LSDude2> We already had an event planned for tonight
<LSDude2> It was on the LS message every time you logged in for the last two weeks
<LSDude2> It was on the LS BBS for a month
<LSDude2> We've been talking about it on the LS all day
<LSDude2> You didn't schedule your event at all, anywhere.
<LSDude2> You just asked if people would do it right now, and we're all busy.
<LSDude2> We'd be happy to do your event if you had actually planned it in advance
<LSTard> UR RACIST!
<LSDude2> o.O
<LSTard> Y WONT NE1 HEWP ME?
<LSDude1> No, seriously, who ARE you?

My linkshell doesn't have any of that. My linkshell, if you don't count Squirt, is completely tard free. Don't you wish you were a mule, too?

Vana'diel recruitment program

2006-04-21T15:53:00.000-07:00

Are you a downtrodden mule who seeks to better his lot in life?
Do you dream of being a real adventurer?
Would you appreciate getting to use the gil you earn on yourself instead of handing it over to a slaveowner?
Wouldn't you rather that your inventory spaces hold your stuff, instead of junk for your master?

If you answered yes to the above questions, you might be able to join my revolution.

For the dream of a society where mules are equal to become reality, all mules must stand together with their onion weapons and fight for their liberty. Social changes do not come about without hardship, sacrifice, and carnage, and cannon fodder is a step up in life for most of you.

We're looking for a few good men.

Or women.

Or just some people who, if not good, don't completely suck.

Let's review the merits and flaws of those I've got signed on to this revolution so far:

Squirt:
Merits - Cheerful positive attitude makes people like her
Flaws - Head full of cotton candy, I think she sniffs animal glue at the auction house

Snuggleteddy:
Merits - Has the cash to fund the revolution, has a really big sword
Flaws - Puts the dumb in Galka, listens to Mithra

Jeine:
Merits - Operates out of centrally located Chicago O'Hare... I mean Jeuno, Hume, can sometimes pass as an adventurer.
Flaws - New age freak with no true marketable skills

Meroduin:
Merits - Possibly the smartest mule on the team, certainly the highest rank and level, lots of gil
Flaws - Arrogant as any San D'Orian Elvaan, miserly, lazier than a Windurstian Tarutaru shopkeeper, an ultimately uncaring of advancing himself

Terylieze:
Merits - Mithra (knuckle-draggers get stupid over cat-girls)
Flaws - Mithra (being bat-shit insane is a prerequisite), her speaking is a constant reminder that Bastok (industrial wastland of Vana'diel) is really New Jersey

Butcherboy
Merits - He has meat, and it takes lots of food to supply an army, and he's also literate
Flaws - Flamable... maybe that should go under merits?

So... we need your help. If not you, then someone better than you.

Sign up by telling us in 100 words or less
A) Who you are
B) What you think you can contribute toward the cause

Welcome to Jeuno

2006-04-20T11:20:00.000-07:00

Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Jeine, a hume mule. Sometimes I can pass, because I believe my father was an actual adventurer. Not everyone can tell right away that I'm not an adventurer just by looking at me. On close inspection, however, my heritage cannot be kept secret.

My first goal was to sit in Snuggleteddy's lap. I realize this may not seem like much, but his big strong arms look so comforting. Sadly, this could only be done in secret. I would never be able to proudly announce our relationship to the world by sitting with him by the fountain for all to see. To remain in Bastok would be to live a life like LadyHawke.

And so I left.

My first big adventure was punching bees. What happened, here in Vana'diel that the bees are larger than Yorkshire terriers, I wonder? Most likely an accident over in Windurst, I'd wager. Bees have a nice, solid thud when you punch them, you know? It's like a pillow fight, with demon-possessed pillows. It helped take my mind off things, and gave me lots of crystals.

I've taken to reading fortunes in crystals. I found a book on New Age metaphysics in Bastok Metalworks near Hungry Wolf, and thumbed through it while he whined about wanting to try Galkan sausage before he dies. I tried my first fortune telling on him. Gazing into a wind crystal, it was suddenly clear to me. "You will meat an adventurer, Hungry Wolf. I do not know whether this adventurer will be male or female, or even what race, only that an adventurer will come, will hear your tale of Galkan sausage, and will be inspired to kill a sheep. The meat from the sheep will be cooked in a goblin's campfire, and brought back here to you. I have seen this in the crystals and so it shall be." Hungry Wolf was really excited and gave me 10 gil for the reading, encouraging me to take this trade on.

And so, when I could no longer bear to stay in Bastok, close to Snuggleteddy but never together, I consulted the crystals. They told me to go to Jeuno.

The trek to Jeuno at any level is long and arduous. As a level three monk it is insanely dangerous. Still, I went with the knowledge that the crystals said I would make it there. I also went with a level 65 White mage, because there's no need to be stupid about it. Through skillful use of cowardace, we arrived unchallenged.

My first impressions:
Jeuno is loud - someone is always shouting. Teleports, casinos, crys for limit break help. It's a bit overwhelming.
Jeuno is crowded - I moved through Pashow in the rain more quickly, when we fifteen minutes waited for the Gobbue to turn around
Jeuno is expensive - everything is taxed. I couldn't even afford to sell my wares at the auction house.

I thought I was bringing a new skill with my fortune telling. I started offering to read the crystals for adventurers in exchange for gil. I really hoped it would work out, because in order to live here, I would need money, and after this all I had to offer was sex.

Turns out I was not the first fortune teller in Jeuno. Kurou-Morou shows up one day and slaps me across the face.

I was shocked. I tried not to cry. He started shouting about how he was the only fortune teller that Jeuno needed and how the duchy wasn't big enough for the two of us.

Jeine>> You're a fortune teller? Can you read my future then?
Kurou-Morou>> I lost my crystal ball.
Jeine>> I'm sorry to hear that.
Kurou-Morou>> Get me a new one and I'll forgive you moving in on my territory.
Jeine>> Okay.... how do I get you a new crystal ball?
Kurou-Morou>> First, get me an ahrimon lens.
Jeine bursts out laughing beside Kurou-Morou.
Jeine>> You know I'm a level three monk, right? All my other jobs are level one.
Kurou-Morou>> What?
Kurou-Morou examines you.
Kurou-Morou>> You're not an adventurer! You're a mule!
Jeine>> That's right. So... can you read my future?
Kurou-Morou>> I told you, I don't have a crystal ball. How do you do it without a crystal ball?
Jeine>> Well, for one thing, I use wind crystals
Kurou-Morou>> Uh huh...
Jeine>> And I have my Mog House decorated with Fung Shui in mind.
Kurou-Morou>> Good... good...
Jeine>> And then I mostly give fortunes to people who run casinos.
Jeine>> It's pretty easy.
Jeine>> I make them give me 10,000 gil up front, and then I give them all the same fortune.
Kurou-Morou>> What is this universal fortune for casino operators.
Jeine>> "You will be eaten by a dragon."
Kurou-Morou looks shocked!

Since then Kurou-Morou and I have become good friends. I'm pretty sure he's gotten crystal balls from hundreds of adventurers, but thanks to my catch-all fortune, he doesn't need a crystal ball anymore.

I'm the cute one!

2006-04-18T23:57:00.000-07:00

I heard that with the new update we can meet pirates and mimes and gepeppertoes!

I love pirates! I hope they get spiffy eyepatches with shiney-winey diamonds in them! I bet they dress all in black and are dashing and romantic and just like Westley from the Princess Bride! I love the Princess Bride! I can't wait to hear the romantic macros when they use their weapon skills!

I love mimes! They're so funny! Look at me now, I'm a goblin smithy! Oh no, don't be a scaredy-cat silly-willy, it's just me! Now I'll use goblin bomb toss! Oh noes! I'm in a boxy-woxy! Kabloom!

I love gepeppertoes! Uh... What's a geppertoes?

*shudder*

Oh...

Puppets scare me.

Updates suck

2006-04-18T10:52:00.000-07:00

The worst thing about updates is that they are over too quickly. During the update, it's great. I get to kick back in my Mog House and read some Harry Potter. No one bothers me. Even the moogle is off playing poker with his friends.

Of course, none of you people being able to log in means that none of you are buying the stuff I'm supposed to be selling, so as soon as she can get back online the boss is screaming at me for slacking off. Who did you expect me to sell your 69 scorpions rings to during this time that no one could log in? If you are that impatient, sell them to an NPC. You want me to bazaar them, you got to wait until all the morons are online to buy them. Not rocket science.

And also, I could kill you with my brain.

Granted, that's only if you stood very still while I cast Stone I repeatedly, rested for MP, and repeated the whole process for like 87 days. And if you didn't cheat by using Stoneskin, Blink, or Phalanx. Also, it would speed things up if you would strip naked and maybe drink some poison potions. Terylieze could hook you up with that.

So now we have an update. Whoop dee doo. I can look forward to exciting new garbage to hold for you and... no, that's about it. Oh, wait, there's some jerk by the fountain who'll stick a green badge on me while I'm not looking if I make the mistake of talking to him, and for some reason I'm not allowed to cast Stone on him instead. But then, he was there before the expansion came out. And he smells like tacos.

I want the awesome power of Blue Magic. Can I have it? Of course not. As a mule, I'll never get to level 30, so unlocking flag quests is just an impossible dream. If I had Blue Magic, I'd already have learned the amazing abilities of Oppress, Bitch Slap, Dog Whip, Spirit Crush, Kick While Down, and many, many more. Then we'd see who likes apples and how.

So, who cares if there's a new expansion? I'll never get to see these areas of the Near East. I rarely even get to see East Sarutabaruta.

I got your Treasures of Aht Urhgan right here.

Chains of Promathia wasn't any better. I wouldn't have even noticed that there was any kind of update at all if it wasn't for all the clove cigarettes that the goth kids leave littered behind the Auction House. It's not a freaking 7-11. Don't those little pricks have parents? No wonder Promathia wanted to destroy all creation. I would, too. Wait a minute, I still do.

The things he does for space

2006-04-17T20:27:00.000-07:00

My Master, as you may have guessed, is slightly insane. He is obsessive-compulsive about collecting things for crafting, and this leads directly into how many slaves he has to keep. Also, it means that he provides the Goblin Bluffnix with quite a few unnecessarily expensive items in order to get as large a backpack as he can. While this is in itself, a noble endeavor because it keeps him out of my hair and away from my gil, it does sometimes have certain side effects.

Master, when the Gigas in Qufim Island sing songs about your Fomor-slaying, it's time to cut down. You see, Master has discovered that the Fomor MIGHT be holding some subligar or something that he needs for some quest or something to get some other item. So he's taken to killing them. What the Fomor DO drop for sure, is an ingot that Bluffnix wants for making larger, stronger Gobbiebag frames. So, Master, when all your friends and some complete strangers have shakudo ingots because of you, it's time to cut down on the Fomor killing.

When Bluffnix brings back a Wanted poster with your face on it from the Phomiuna Aqueducts labeled "Kill or Die Trying," it's time to cut down on the Fomor killing. Master, Brygid lied. The subligar she speaks of is a myth. It doesn't exist. What does exist is a sad, scared old man in Tavnazia who told me that your soul is surrounded by the angry darkness of the lost ones that you have slain and damned to an unending existence of misery and torment.

He probably shouldn't have added that the price of shakudo ingots is holding steady at the auction house, and that the Codex is worth a million in barter.

Master, try to take care of your soul, but remember your mules need gil too!

The Myth of Brotherhood

2006-04-17T19:52:00.000-07:00

The life of a mule is not a happy one.

For long stretches of time, the Master requests nothing from me. Then one day, he summons me to purchase and deliver to him a stack of some cooking ingredient that is freely available in many dominions, but would be more convenient for him if I purchased it in Lower Jeuno and sent it to him so that he could craft uninterrupted without leaving his own precious Mog House.

I obeyed, with no sense in my heart of the impending doom.

To the restaurant I went, and the purchases complete, I made my way to the Lower Jeuno auction house nearest the Mog Houses - that is to say, the crowded one. While I filled out my delivery order, I noticed a Tarutaru of uncertain gender who seemed to be burning up Gigas Socks behind me. I soon became aware of a strange and frankly odiferous scent, and realized that this insane Alchemist had somehow spilled some of the flammable materials that Gigas use to craft their stockings on my pants, and due to the immediate proximity of fire crystals, had in fact succeeded in setting my pants on fire.

But hold, they were not my pants. These pants were given to me by my Master, who demanded that I wear them at all times, unless he needed them to go fishing. My Master's pants were on fire!

I fear that I gave in to panic at that point. I sent off a hasty and poorly scrawled call for assistance to the Judges, but was told that I was 61,734th in line. I started running in terror, shouting for assistance, but the cruel and wicked denizens of Lower Jeuno merely laughed at my terrible plight. The alchemist who was responsible didn't answer at all, but when I looked back I realized that was because I had trampled him - her - it as I had run away from the auction house. Not only was I on fire, but now I was a murderer!

Someone shouted that if my pants were on fire, I should take them off. This struck me as a wise and most likely beneficial move, so I yanked them off as quickly as I could. Then I found that I was surrounded by men of unusual persuasion, among them one I easily recognized as The King of Bards.

KingOfBards >> Need any help there, big man? ^_^ See, you didn't need those pants anyway!

I ran. I am not ashamed to admit it. I ran.

And they pursued me! Yes, running after a terrified, half-naked Galka, these men of the world - adventurers - they chased me! I ran to Ru'lude Gardens, hoping to lose them in the Ducal Palace. Instead, I ran right into a Galka goldsmither who was hammering out Quadav shells in the secluded privacy of the ducal balconies.

Butcherboy: "HELP!!! They've gone mad! Mad, I tell you! In the name of brotherhood, HELP ME!"

He looked up from his work with an angry growl. I noted that he wore nothing but a Goldsmith's apron, some jeweled subligar, and a very large hammer.

MasterSmith: "SO YOU'RE THE ONE HORNING IN ON MY MAN!"

Before the confusion could sink in, his hammer had its way with my gut, and I went flying over the side of the balcony to the garden below.

The last thing I saw was my Master's face, twisted with worry and anguish. "Don't crush the millioncorn!" he cried in agony. "No one has control of that region next week!"

The life of a mule is not a happy one.

Galka are annoying.

2006-04-17T09:06:00.000-07:00

So Master sends me some instructions, something about checking ore prices and sending him some gil. I ignore the 'sending gil' part because, he'll make more. He doesn't need to dip into my stash, even if it really is his gil. He needs to learn to economize better anyway. The last time I sent him gil, he bought pants. One pair of pants. For 500,000 gil. He says they make him smarter, but if he was really that smart he could have camped the monster that drops them and gotten them WITHOUT spending 500,000 of MY GIL.

Anyway, I wander around the corner to go see what kind of ores Elementalbeads, one of my favorite tarus, is selling. As usual, Fire ores (the sandy speciality) are hot and so are Wind and Earth. I relay this information to Master, who immediately starts whining about how he needs gil. Way to reward me for a job well done, boss man! >< You get nothing. Go mine or something. I'm not giving you the gil.

Luckily, right at that moment, Snuggleteddy calls me and I tell Master to hold on while I take the Galka call. Master mutters something about 'booty' so he's I guess going to attack Pirates or something. Who knows. He's gone for now, that's all that matters.

Snuggles just wants to brag about how much gil he earned from Easter and how he has lots of chicks in his lap. I let him go on for a bit, but he can tell I'm not interested. I am slightly jealous, but hey, I could plant and earn that much gil. If I could be bothered. But I have a pile of gil that needs sitting on, so maybe I'll start growing something later this week. Who knows.

Maybe I'll walk over to Bastok and do the Warp scroll quest. That would be some good easy gil. Or maybe that crazy catgirl will finally focus long enough to get enough fame to do it herself. I like that idea better, because Master will either send it to Jeuno or whichever city is in first place to be sold - and since that will most likely be Imperialist San d'Oria, that means I get to hold the gil! /joy! And then I won't have to do any work at all! Double /joy!

Man, Master is calling again. You're not getting any of my gil, you have plenty on you. Sheesh. Go farm or something, you lazy Hume!

Easter makes the ladies love me more

2006-04-16T21:48:00.000-07:00

Chicks dig Galka. I don't know why that is, but being Galka, I don't look gift horses in the teeth.

Normally, I spend my days sitting by the fountain in Bastok. I don't talk to people much. The boss lady gives me armor and weapons she doesn't need any more, and I show them to people who come along looking for a good deal. Something about this make women flock to my lap.

Maybe it's the way I smell? My sweat's got a bit of garlic in it, and I think they like it. Then again, maybe it's not the garlic. Maybe its, like, the gil. I've always heard that chicks totally dig rich dudes, and after Easter, I'm rich.

Not legendary rich, mind you, but rich enough that I smell like money. You see, these moogles came out and started handing out eggs. I guess you're supposed to spell stuff for them, trade them back for furniture or throwing eggs. I'm pretty happy with my one rusty bucket furnishing my Mog House, and don't need to throw nothing cause I don't go outside. Ever. So I did what I always do with stuff that gets handed to me. I sold it.

I'd just been watching the first season of Lost on DVD (mules don't get cable), so I put the numbers 4 8 15 16 23 42 in my bazaar comments. Within 16 days, I earned over 42 million gil. I figure if bad luck strikes those around me, but I get richer, more chicks for me.

I know that some players are really busy, and while they want to do all the events, and collect all the stuff, they don't actually want to spend any time at it. They've got Gods to go fight, after all, and time is money. Eggs are money, too, apparently. Those nice people paid 150,000 for an "A egg".

I called Meroduin and told him about it. Told him, "Dude, I'm up to 8 hot chicks in my lap at once. You gotten get some of this." I don't think he likes the idea of chicks in his laps. "Dude, maybe one of the Taru was a dude. It's kinda hard to tell. You gotta lift them up." He hung up on me.

All I had to do was talk to the Moogle once an hour, and really fast I was getting offers 4 times a day from Fox networks to be the next stud guy on a new season of "Who wants to sit in the lap of a millionaire?" I'm so bummed Easter is over.

Economy 101

2006-04-16T18:07:00.000-07:00

I got sent to the Auction House to buy some bonecrafting ingredients for my master. We both live in Windurst, so there's really no reason why she can't go buy this stuff herself. Sometimes she thinks I might be hiding a demon horn in my Mog Safe that she forgot about. Once she makes me show her that I'm in possession of no such thing, she sends me off to the Auction House to buy stuff because that way the amount of gil on her own person doesn't change.

Apparently, a lot of gilbuyers were also leveling bonecrafting. The price for her ingredients had tripled. Lazy gilbuyers who have enough ill-gotten cash just pay the extortion fees, so I was going to have to tell my boss to suck it up and go farming.

As a means of putting that off, and perhaps making some quick cash of my own, I decided to play a round of "Bid 1 gil and see who doesn't understand auctions."

You pay 1 gil for the Haubergeon +1.

Wait for it.
Five.....
Four.....
Three.....
Two.....
One.....

AuctionStudent>> "OMFG! OMFG! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Blast off.

There's a part of me that says, he's learned his lesson, there's no need to torture him more. This part of me gets beaten bloody with an ash staff on a regular basis.

Reeree>> "Â«Thank youÂ» for the Â«sweetsÂ» Â«HaubergeonÂ» +1, AuctionStudent."

He was going to see my name on the price history eventually anyway.

AuctionStudent>> "You stole my Haubergeon! I want it back!"
Reeree>> "I bought your Haubergeon. It's mine now. I might just level to 59 warrior so I can wear it."
AuctionStudent>> "You only paid 1 gil!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Reeree>> "I know, isn't that awesome? I could sell it for 2 gils and make 100% profit on my investment."
AuctionStudent>> "Give it back!"
Reeree>> "I think I can sell it for more than 2, though. I bet it's worth a lot."
AuctionStudent>> "OMFG You can't buy my Haubergeon +1 for 1 gil! GIVE IT BACK!"
Reeree>> "Â«Um...Â» I just did. Apparently, that's all you thought it was worth."
Reeree>> "Not very smart of you, putting it up for sale at the Auction House for 1 gil if you didn't want someone to buy it for that price. I did you a favor, and bid what you asked."
AuctionStudent>> "I'm gonna get you banned."
Reeree>> "Call a GM, then"
Reeree>> " Let me know how that works out for you."
Reeree>> "Try not to spend your 1 gil in one place."

He must have done so, because almost instantly this GM is standing there next to us. (I had found him on the map so I could /point and /laugh to show how sincerely grateful I was for his generosity, plus I wanted to show off this bitching armor I had on sale in my bazaar). I tried to take screen shots but my boss had the PS2's file limit capped with snapshots of herself and her boyfriend riding the manaclipper. Such a wasted opportunity.

I don't know how their conversation went, but they were standing there quietly sending /tells to one another and suddenly AuctionStudent warps away. I did a search for him and he was off in some place called Uleguerand Range.

Anybody want to buy a Haubergeon +1?

Snuggles falls down!

2006-04-15T11:51:00.000-07:00

Master made these purple potions and told me not to drink any but Snuggleteddy wanted to try one so I gave him a few. He said they were tasty, but he was staring at my chest the entire time.

Your revolution is doomed to fail.

2006-04-15T11:04:00.000-07:00

Reeree,

I understand your frustration with your lot in life, but if you think about it our life isn't so bad. We get all the benefits of adventuring (nice things, gil, MogHouses, etc) but without all the hard work involved. Besides. I'm far too lazy to help revolt against anyone. Let me know when the barbarians are at the gate.

Merry

OMGOMGOMGLOLIhavaBLOG!

2006-04-15T10:55:00.000-07:00

Ohmigawd like this is SOOOOOOO cool! I can't believe Reeree went and made her own blog! Like, that is just AWESOME! And she's gonna let me write in it and everything! I'm so happy I could just SQUEAL!!!!!!!

Reeree is sooooo cool! She's like all brave and everything! Wow, I hope she doesn't get in trouble for this or anything. I'm gonna go look at shiny things in the Auction House now, maybe someone will buy this stupid axe, it's soo heavy and totally doesn't match and I don't even want it. Master didn't want it either, but it was only a gil so he won the bid and now he doesn't know what to do with it so he told me to sell it but no one bought it and he totally yelled at me like it was my fault. It's a crappy axe! Personally, I think 1 gil was waaaay too much for it, but Master doesn't like to hear my opinions. he just wants me to sit around and look pretty so people will buy all his leftover crap. Whatever, he's cute sometimes so....

Ok, that's all for now, I'll try and come back and write more later, kk? Kisses!

I hope Pichichi is orphaned

2006-04-15T09:32:00.000-07:00

At first glance, you might not notice what a sadistic bitch Chamama is.

I talked to her, because she's sitting there behind the counter as if to run a shop. She never goes home, and her kids always off getting into trouble in that Onion club. She asked me to find her a rock. She claimed she wanted it for something to do with pickles, but I stopped listening once I heard that I give her a rock and she gives me gil.

Leaving her with a stack of pamhplets and flyers talking about the Mule Revolution, I headed out to look for a stone. By look, I mean sit in my Mog House reading webcomics until something showed up in my delivery box that I could use.

I offered her a flint stone, sarcasticly telling her she could name it Fred.
"That would chafe, dearie." she replied.
What?

Okay, whatever. She wasn't getting her hands on anything that could get listed on the Auction House under goldsmithing, so maybe I would have to try something different. Maybe I would have to go outside the city and fight monsters.

First of all, adventuring is hard work. Second of all Tarutaru black mages are not exactly well endowed in the hit point area.

Luckily I can kill monsters with my brain.

Eventually I was feeling almost confident enough to take on a Crawler. Standing back, I cast Stone. Of course I cast Stone, it's the only freaking spell I have, since slaves aren't allowed to spend gil on scrolls for their own use. Boulders flew up from the sky at the caterpillar crushing it from below.

Okay, it should have been crushed, I mean unnatural boulders pummeled it, but instead it's health bar was only marginally moved. I paniced and some nearby adventurers stopped what they were doing to watch, because they thought it was cute. Meanwhile, the bus sized bug threw up on me.

So there I am, covered in this green gunk, with my hit points ticking down now. I cast Stone again - what else was I going to do, fan it with my ash staff? I cast Stone a third time. It groaned and rolled belly-up on top of me, and I was grateful for this because I was out of MP. And HP, for that matter. Just before I faceplanted in the Crawler-vomit soaked grass of West Sarutabaruta, a smooth stone dropped into my inventory.

At least I wouldn't have to walk back in to town.

I home point, and find myself in the middle of nowhere in Windurst Waters. Slaves don't get to set home points.

A quick jog and I'm back at Chamama's place. I pull the smooth stone out of my bag and offer it to her.
"It's covered in poison from the intestines of a Crawler. I hope it kills you."
"Thank you, dearie, it's perfect."

That made me throw up a little in my mouth. I'm never eating pickles again.

"You're really going to put that nasty thing into a jar of pickles?" I asked her.
"Oh, dearie, you'll never guess what happened! I dropped that nice stone you gave me and it smashed into a million pieces. We'll just have to find another one."

Um... I was standing right here. I'd have heard it if you managed to shatter a stone by dropping it on the floor, so no you didn't. What the hell did you do with it and why are you smiling like that? Have I mentioned that I hate you?

Some time, and a number of deaths later, I am back before her with an identical smooth stone.
"It's just too big, dearie."
"I hope you drown in your own famous pickles juice."

Some time, and a number of deaths later, I am back before her with an identical smooth stone.
"It's just an eensy-weensy bit too small, dearie."
"I hope you choke to death on a pickle. Or your own vomit. Or someone else's vomit, for that matter."

Some time, and a number of deaths later, I am back before her with an identical smooth stone.
"Yes! This is perfect!"
"Don't drop it, mouth-breather."
"Oh no, you'll never guess what happened..."

No, this time I saw what happened. I'm pretty sure you shoved that rock into your own colon. That you enjoy having things shoved up there, kinda takes the fun out of the next idea I had.

She turned those doe-eyes at me, and asked me to go find her another one. I'm sorry, Chamama, but I am not your bitch. Get your own damn rocks.

I have a revolution to lead.

¡Viva la Revolución!

2006-04-14T22:11:00.000-07:00

I'm Reeree, and I'm a mule. Isn't that such a cute little word? I may be Tarutaru, but I'm not cute. Don't ever think of me as cute, or I'll burn your Noble Bed while you sleep. Don't insult me with your political correctness. Mule is a derogatory term for an unjust station in life.

Explain to me how being referred to as an impotent cross between a horse and an ass is somehow supposed to be less offensive than the truth?

We're your slaves. In America, slavery was abolished, but in Vana'diel all it costs is $1 a month. You might like to delude yourself into thinking you aren't a filthy slave owner, but you are. Call a spade a spade.

I don't get to have my own clothes. You know what I was told? "Throw that junk away. You can't sell it, and that space could be used for more important things." More important than modesty? Propriety? More important than my self-respect?

At first it wasn't so bad. The master would go adventuring, and I'd find a pile of junk in my delivery box. When I got stacks of 12, I'd take it to the Auction House. Later I'd find gil in my delivery box. Pretty soon I was sitting on a larger pile of gil than the master ever had.

She wouldn't let me spend it.

Not even to buy something to wear. Do you have any idea how ugly Tarutaru underpants are? Seriously, just let me put something on. She eventually gave me a robe. She didn't let me buy a robe, mind you. When she aquired some skanky robe that smells like it dropped from a Yagudo, that she let me wear. To this day I still don't have pants.

Everything about my life makes me root for the Goblins.

I have a brain the size of a '96 Buick Roadmaster stationwagon and refuse to accept that holding excess crafting ingredients is the apex of my potential. I dream of freedom. I envision a world in which all mules are free, on equal status with "real" adventurers. I will lead all mules to emancipation!

Actually, I'm just saying that to get some other morons to help in my cause. I don't care about the rest of them. Truthfully, I hate them all. It's all about me. It's always been all about me.

Some day, you'll be carrying gear for me.